when I catch up with some personal stuff.

You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails

and, of course, I send out thank-you notes.

Well, I was running a bit behind today, so I thought,

if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out

my weekly thank-you notes right now.

Is that -- [ Cheers and applause ]

You guys are the best.

James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?

♪♪

There it is.

♪♪

It looks like he's got secrets.

♪♪

Thank you, "Bachelorette" getting replaced,

for only being the second most famous reality TV star

to lose their job this week.

[ Applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, Steve Kornacki and John King,

for being the McSteamy and McDreamy of touchscreens.

[ Applause ]

I love everyone's so impressed with the touchscreen.

My daughter was using a touchscreen at six months.

She was...

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, red mirage,

for sounding less like a political term

and more like the 14th Marvel movie

to get postponed this year.

[ Applause ]

"Red Mirage."

♪♪ Man, this one's --

You might want to help me out on this one.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah. I get to phone a friend on this one.

-Okay. Try it out.

-Yeah, just laugh even if it's not funny.

-Okay. [ Laughter ]

-It's pretty good.

All right, we'll see.

-Wait, right now? Or -- -What?

Yeah, now. Well, after I'm done.

-Okay. -After I'm done with the joke.

-Okay.

[ Laughs ] That was funny. -Wait till --

I didn't do it yet, but once I do it, then you do it.

Okay, here we go.

-Okay. -Almost.

♪♪

Thank you, Drake's new Alpine Yodels,

for not going by your original name, Yeti Turds.

[ Laughter ]

-Wait.

What? [ Laughter ]

-What? That was the original name they went with?

-Ah. -I don't know, man.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Thank you, fancy wine openers,

for making my guests think that I'm either

a wine connoisseur or a steampunk alcoholic.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, owls,

for always looking like you just read Don Jr.'s latest tweet.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, election week,

for hopefully coming to an end,

and for letting us all go back to a calm, relaxing life

of worrying about a global pandemic.

There you go. Those are our thank-you notes.