WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON!

>> Jon: HELLO, HELLO!

YES, YES, INDEED.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

ARE YOU GOING BACK TO KENNER?

>> Jon: NO, I'M GOING TO BE IN THE NORTH.

I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET BACK HOME, BUT I'M GOING TO TRY TO

GET DOWN THERE FOR CHRISTMAS ♪ I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS ♪

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOUR MOM WOULD MISS YOU IF YOU WEREN'T

THERE.

YOUR DAD WOULD, TOO, BUT YOU GOTTA BE THERE FOR MOM.

>> Jon: MOM, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN PLAY, A LITTLE

HOLIDAY MUSIC TO GET US GOING?

IT'S ALREADY IN ALL THE DEPARTMENT STORES.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH ( "O CHRISTMAS TREE )

>> Stephen: I CAN HEAR THE NEEDLES FALLING OFF THAT TREE.

BA-DA-BA-DO!

E STJON BATISTE EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CARBO-LOADING THE DAY'S BIGGEST

STORIES, GROIN-STRETCHING WITH THE MOST VITAL HEADLINES, AND

CAREFULLY APPLYING THE MOST INFORMATIVE, EDUCATIONAL NIPPLE

TAPE TO POWER MYSELF THROUGH THE NEWS MARATHON THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, NOT ALL THE TIMES, JUST SOMETIMES.

I LIKE TO DOWN A FIFTH OF BOURBON, RUN AROUND THE HOUSE

'TIL I'M DIZZY, COMMANDEER ONE OF THE

NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS' BIKES, AND RIDE IT INTO THE LAKE FOR THE

RECKLESS MISDEMEANOR TRIATHLON OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "STORIES

YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS," "A DOG IN PLANO SHOT A

MAN IN THE LEG."

NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN, AND KNOW THE BEST WAY TO

STOP HIM WAS A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN!

WHO'S A GET BOY?

WHO'S GOT A GUN?

YOU, DO!

APPARENTLY, THE MAN HAD "A PISTOL TUCKED INSIDE HIS

WAISTBAND, AND WHILE PICKING UP HIS DOG, A PAW GOT LODGED IN

THE TRIGGER AND FIRED HIS WEAPON, SENDING A BULLET INTO

AND THROUGH HIS THIGH."

SEE, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT

THERE.

CATS DON'T MISS.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

NEW SURVEY, "A SURPRISING PERCENTAGE OF YOUNG AMERICANS

SAY THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN A COW IN PERSON."

KIDS THESE DAY, I'LL TELL YOU.

IN MY DAY, YOU USED PAY PHONES, YOU LOOKED THE NUMBER UP IN A

PHONE BOOK, THEN YOU PUT THE PHONE BOOK BACK ON TOP OF THE

COW-- 'CAUSE THE CITIES WERE LOUSY WITH 'EM.

WE ALL HAD TO PUT OUT COW TRAPS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AN UNEMPLOYED MAN FOUND A NEW JOB BY POSTING

HIS RESUME ON A TRUCK," AND "THE MAN WAS OFFERED A NEW POSITION

TWO DAYS AFTER HIS C.V. HIT THE ROAD."

I'M HAPPY FOR THE GUY, AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW HISTORY

CHANNEL SERIES: "ICE ROAD HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MAYONNAISE WEDDING NEWS, THE "HELLMAN'S

COMPANY SURPRISED A COUPLE WHOSE LAST NAMES WERE "HELMS" AND

"MAYO" ON THEIR WEDDING DAY WITH MAYONNAISE."

SO BEAUTIFUL.

RIGHT UP THERE ON THE LIST OF THINGS PEOPLE HOPE FOR ON THEIR

WEDDING DAY: GOOD WEATHER, NO TRAFFIC, AND SURPRISE

MAYONNAISE.

THEY'RE REALLY GRATEFUL, BUT HONESTLY, THEY REGISTERED FOR

MIRACLE WHIP.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MILITARY CARRIER PIGEON MESSAGE HAS

TURNED UP 110 YEARS AFTER IT WAS SENT."

JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW HARD LIFE WAS BEFORE CELL

PHONES.

"WHERE WERE YOU, MAN?

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE THE MOVIE THEATER FOR 110

YEARS!" "SORRY, MY PIGEON GETS NO

SERVICE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD."

IS THAT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO NOTES TO THE TWO GUYS OR WAS I SUPPOSED

TO BE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

ARE WE STILL...

THE MISSING MESSAGE TURNED UP IN NORTHEASTERN FRANCE AND "WAS

SENT FROM ONE GERMAN MILITARY OFFICER TO ANOTHER IN 1910,"

THOUGH "THE SCRIPT IS DIFFICULT TO DECIPHER."

EXPERTS WERE JUST ABLE TO MAKE OUT THIS MUCH:

( GERMAN ACCENT ) "ZIS LETTER IS CURSED.

IF YOU DON'T FORWARD ZIS TO SEVEN PEOPLE IN 48 HOURS,

DEUTSCHLAND VIL FALL UNDER THE RULE OF A PSYCHO PAINTER FROM

VIENNA.

UND YOU'LL GAIN TEN POUNDS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

NEW STUDY, UNLIKE CATS AND DOGS WHO FORM SPECIAL BONDS WITH

THEIR OWNERS, "HORSES DON'T LOVE SPECIFIC HUMANS."

IT'S ALMOST LIKE RIDING ON SOMETHING'S BACK FOR HOURS WHILE

WHIPPING IT AND POKING IT IN THE SIDE WITH METAL HEEL-SPIKES

ISN'T A BONDING EXPERIENCE.

ALSO, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT INTO TESTING WHICH

ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US?

( AS SCIENTIST ) "WELP, NO CURE FOR COVID YET,

BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A

BITCH."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH GRANT.

♪ ♪ ♪