I am your host, Stephen Colbert.

And I'm so glad you're here.

And you and you and you, my friends, for this special night.

Because, believe it or not, this is our 1000 Episode 1000 and I wish I wish I could be together with the whole staff right now.

We it's they've done such an extraordinary job.

The writers, the staff, the editors, the producers, postproduction, the amazing crew off my editorial staff, the lawyers, though the lawyers We planned a big balloon drop which I assume is happening right now in the vacant theater.

It's happening.

It's happening.

I don't know.

You could lie to me because we're not allowed end.

Someone should really check on my petting zoo down there.

I haven't fed the animals about eight months.

I'm a big star.

Have a petting zoo.

Of course, while we're celebrating, ah 1000 we won't know the real number of shows until they've done the complete hand.

Recount Georgia.

Speaking of which were on day six of the current president not admitting he's the soon to be ex president, I'll give you all the DEETs in my latest installment off.

I'm a dick, Dick, Dick, Dick Dictator.

I'm a Dick Dick Dick Road from the White House.

Those are those Are the actual lyrics to that song people.

Very, very, very, really singing.

Here's some interesting facts, you tainment.

No matter how much he screams about it.

No one believes the president's claims of victory, not even the president, because aides say he has no real plan to overturn the results.

So same way he defeated Cove it.

In fact, the president is so sure he lost that he is talking privately about running again in 2020 for what?

But he's gonna be so old by then forget descending an escalator.

He'll have to make his announcement from a staircase.

Chairlift.

I mean, the guy's 74 for Pete's sake.

By 2024 he'll be 78 which is exactly the right age for a president.

Just a number.

Joe, you go get him, buddy.

Drink that inshore.

Are they a sponsor?

They got to be at CBS.

Are you kidding?

It's all walk in bathtubs around here, right?

According to a Reuters Ipsos fact owes poll, nearly 80% of Americans recognize Biden as the winner Do you know how hard it is to get?

80% of Americans do agree on anything that isn't smothered in melted cheese.

Even worse for the president and better for democracy Onley.

3% said he won, compared to 5% who say they don't know who won.

So it's official President Doofus.

True Fous has just slightly less support than Wow, by the way.

3% believe that he won Chris.

What's the margin of error of that poll?

5%.

It is possible that Onley negative 2% of Americans believe he won.

Of course, that negative two would be Eric and Donna.

The whole administration is joining in on the delusion.

Apparently, Joe Biden has yet to receive a presidential daily briefing.

And it is unclear, ladies and gentlemen, whether his team will have access to classified information.

Well, sure, if Biden wants access to classified national security Intel.

Everybody knows he's got to go through the proper channels and buy a membership to March a Lago.

But it gets the dumber because the State Department is preventing Biden from accessing messages from foreign leaders.

So many of them have reached out to former Obama era diplomats for their assistance on how to send congratulatory messages to Biden's team.

They sound desperate, and they are.

In fact, the president of Iraq had to resort to edible arrangement.

But of all the intransigent people in the White House, the intransigent ist might be national security adviser and man who shops at the Sunglass Putts.

Robert O'Brien.

O'Brien has told his staff.

Don't even mention Biden's name.

Oh, so the president elect is he who must not be named.

He's Lord Voldemort still seems nice.

He still seems nice.

It seems like no one around the president has the nerve to tell him that he lost, one GOP source said.

It's like dealing with the lunatic on the subway.

Everyone just kind of sits and stares ahead, pretends they can hear him and wait for him to eventually get off.

I've got some bad news.

Just because the lunatic on the subway gets off doesn't mean he'll leave the train.

I'm afraid we we cut the music on that one, Okay?

Despite clinging to the job desperately, he's not actually doing any of it.

The latest intelligence briefing on the president's schedule was for October 2nd.

He really should take the briefings because I'm sure they're full of valuable information.

For instance, he might find out that the United States elected a new president.

What has the president been doing with his time Instead?

Well, he has been watching even more TV than usual in recent weeks.

MAWR How did he move the Resolute desk to a Best Buy?

The president's allergy to reality is hitting epic new heights because the White House is still telling federal agencies to proceed with plans for his February budget.

Now that is some industrial strength denial.

At a certain point, even Norman Bates was like, I'm starting to think my mom's not looking too great.

If the president's behavior seems familiar, that's because you've seen it in a failed state near you.

Refusing to accept the results of a free and fair election are anti Democratic tactics employed by leaders like Robert Mugabi, Nicolas Maduro and Slobodan Milosevic.

That's right.

We've got our own home grown, Slobo don my pillows, bitch.

Around the world, autocrats are watching this, one expert in Eastern Europe told reporters the president's refusal to concede would create a new model for like minded populists in Europe well, that's convenient timing, because I'm pretty sure he's going to start looking for a new model from Eastern Europe.

Pretty soon the president might not have a plan, but he's still asking supporters to donate to his official election defense fund, and he's not being subtle about it on the website.

The buttons are dancing for cash.

That's right.

Shake your little money.

Take her the buttons.

Real name is Ginger, and it's just dancing until it gets its masters and marine biology.

Champagne rooms extra.

And there are perks.

So I've heard and there are perks.

For a donation of $2800 you can join the first family circle man.

That's got to be tempting toe.

Eric, please let me in.

Dad, I'll get the money.

I just have to sell my beautiful hair.

But according to the website, at least half of each donation will go to paying off the campaigns debts.

One last grift for the road.

Before he finally leaves, someone better check into the Maga hat for the White House silverware.

It gets worse.

Reportedly, before any money goes to finance election challenges, a donor would have to give more than $8000.

Yeah, that's too much.

I tried to have a garage sale, but no one wanted my garage and a wall out of hair.

I shaved everywhere.

I'm like an eel.

I like Eddie Ill.

I'm sure I'm not sure if that's a accurate depiction of Eric right out.

But emotionally, it seems true.

Here's how the scam works.

If a donor gives $500.200 dollars will go to the RNC, while $300 will go to the president's newly formed Save America PAC.

Not sure what Save America pack is going to do with the money, but the president has a lot of debt and their mailing addresses grease stained paper bag under park bench in DuPont Circle.

Make sure you weren't followed.

Use a no.

No matter what the president does, it's pretty clear that the entire first family will not be going quietly.

Several GOP sources are telling CNN that the president's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr.

And his girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, are right now making moves to expand their influence in the RNC, possibly take it over.

Don Jr and Guilfoyle are said to be angry at current RNC chair Rana McDaniel seen here right after pushing a barista off a cliff for not adding enough foam.

Who they view, is not having done enough to win a close race.

So the president, definitely one.

But it's her fault that he didn't reminds me of that stirring rock anthem My Plan Way lost.

Perhaps more importantly, according to one adviser, D.

J.

T J and Kim have had a great time in politics, and they don't want the ride to end.

Don Jr just loves being on the road or really anywhere where they're a little white lines.

Kim and Don are already shaken up the RNC's tactics.

At a fundraiser in December, Guilfoyle reportedly offered to give a lap dance to the person who donated the most money or, in her words, the rest is yet to come.

But Junior's dreams may have been dashed because last night the president endorsed Rana McDaniel for another term as RNC chair.

Ooh, that's gotta smart for Don Jr.

But on the upside, that is the first time Smart and Don Jr have been in a sentence together.

Regardless of what's going on in the White House, Biden's already putting the wheels into motion.

He's named the transition team, including people like Karen Ah ha!

Gotcha.

Michelle Howard, Chris Lu, Pamela Melroy, Kevin Washburn and Geo Vet Washington.

Do you have any idea who those people are?

Neither do I.

And I love it.

Not one of them has an infomercial or a sports blogger or is related to Joe Biden.

I can't wait to never buy a pillow for many of them.

Yesterday, Biden announce his chief of staff.

It's veteran Democratic adviser and kid who won't let you cheat off his homework but will tutor you for free.

Ron Claim.

Clain was Biden's chief of staff when he was vice president.

On, according to Washington insiders, this hiring is an early signal that Biden intends to rely heavily on experience, competence and political agility after this presidency.

After four years of getting your dental work done by the year piecing teen and Claire's, I think America is ready to try.

A dentist, though, will still be spitting out plastic Rhinestones for years to come.

Clain claim claim claim with the cabinet.

Clain, don't cut that.

Don't you dare cut that.

Maybe cut that we'll see.

Claim has an impressive resume during the Obama administration.

He served as the Ebola czar.

Yes.

Remember the deadly Ebola pandemic that claimed over 200,000 American lives?

No, you don't.

Because it didn't happen.

Thanks to Ron, the main claim.

I don't know what to call him yet.

Ron is dry clean.

Only that's not it Wolf way.

That's not it.

Because, Ron, the man clan doesn't sound right at all.

Okay, We'll find it or we won't claim.

Put a statement out about his new position, saying he looks forward to working with the president and vice president elect to assemble a talented and diverse team toe work in the White House as we tackle their ambitious agenda for change.

Mm.

Yeah.

Oh, you sexy, sexy, boring man.

No slurs, no lies.

He just whips out his bulging binder and makes us Randy for the blandy.

I can't wait to see your staff Chief way.

Got a great show for you tonight.

E Michael Moore is here.