I sat down with my mother

幾週前，

and told her something that I had been keeping from her for 22 years.

我和我母親促膝長談，

From the time that I was 14 years old

告訴她一件我隱瞞了22 年的往事。

until I was 16,

從十四歲開始一直到十六歲那段時間，

I was sexually assaulted.

我持續遭受性侵。

It was scary and confusing.

除了惶恐、困惑，

It was humiliating.

我也覺得很羞恥。

And even though I can genuinely say

即使我能打從心底說

that my mom and I have always had a close relationship,

我們母女關係始終很親密，

I never told her.

我從未提起這件事。

Even with recent movements bringing the topics

即使最近的改革浪潮

of sexual abuse and sexual assault into mainstream conversation,

將性虐待和性侵帶入主流討論中，

I stayed silent.

我仍然保持沉默。

And I guarantee that for every brave soul who said "Me too,"

我保證，相對於每一個 勇敢說出「我也是」的人，

there were countless others who didn't ...

還有無數保持緘默的人……

who still haven't.

或者尚未出聲。

Why didn't those people speak up earlier?

那些人為什麼不早點說出來？

Why didn't I?

我為什麼不早點說出來？

Because of the shame.

因為羞恥感。

Because of that feeling inside

因為內在有個聲音告訴我

telling me that what happened to me was my fault.

發生在我身上是我的錯。

We all hear that voice sometimes.

所有人都曾聽到那個聲音。

It tells us things like,

通常是說：

you are aren't good enough,

你不夠好，

you aren't smart enough ...

你不夠聰明……

you can't give a TED talk.

你不能去 TED 演講。

We hear that voice,

一旦那個聲音出現， 就掩蓋掉其他的聲音。

and it becomes difficult to hear anything else.

我們開始苦惱別人會怎麼想， 他們會怎麼評判我們——

We begin to agonize over what other people will think of us --

如果他們發現那些 我們隱埋深處的秘密。

how they will judge us

羞恥感可以強大到成為我們的一部分。

if they found out our darkest secrets.

我把我的遭遇告訴母親後，

Shame is so powerful that it can become part of who we are.

她第一個反應就是：

I told my mom what happened to me

「喔，克莉絲汀，

and one of the first things that she said was,

我一直很好奇是什麼原因 這麼多年來驅使妳努力不懈。」

"Oh, Kristin,

原來她比我還早知道。

I've been wondering what's been driving you so hard all of these years."

為了彌補那個根深蒂固的羞恥感，

She could see it before I could.

我拼命在人生的每個面向追求完美。

My shame was so deep-rooted

努力打造完美的家，

that I had overcompensated by trying to be perfect

完美的職業生涯，

in every other area of my life.

試圖藉由取得控制權 來平衡我內心的混亂。

Trying to build the perfect family,

始終不斷打造世人眼中所看到的我，

the perfect career,

只因為內心深處覺得自己不夠好。

by trying to exhibit control instead of the chaos I felt inside.

母親總說我蠟燭兩頭燒，

I have been trying my entire life

她終於明白為什麼了。

to orchestrate how the world perceives me,

有些人的羞恥感比他人強，

because inside I haven't felt good enough.

但性虐待對所有人一視同仁。

She always said that I burned the candle at both ends,

它就是能讓最自信的人

and now she knew why.

充滿痛苦、負面的想法。

Some people may be more prone to shame than others,

為什麼？

but sexual abuse doesn't discriminate.

因為它剝奪了我們某種控制權──

It has the ability

一個真正完全屬於自己的事物──

to make even the most confident of us think painful, negative thoughts.

我們的身體。

Why?

從一開始，就有個想法 一直在我腦中，揮之不去。

Because it takes away control over the one thing in this life

只要我開始想為什麼我會遭到性侵，

that is supposed to be truly and entirely our own:

那個念頭就出現：

our bodies.

一切都是我的錯。

I've been haunted by one thought since my experience first began.

我說「不」說得不夠。

As I tried to make sense of what happened to me,

下次，我要把「不」說得更好。

I thought to myself:

我曾經質疑過為什麼自己如此反應，

this is all my fault.

以及為什麼我的羞恥感 如此深、如此沉重，

I didn't say "no" good enough.

深沉到讓我隱瞞這麼久才說出真相。

Next time, I'll say "no" better.

現在我是家長了， 有兩個很棒的孩子，

I've questioned why that was my go-to response

我經常懷想自己能做什麼，

and why my shame was so deep and heavy

以及我們整個社會能怎麼做，

that it paralyzed me from speaking my truth for so long.

不讓羞恥感佔上風，

And now that I'm the parent of two amazing children,

而且讓我們的下一代明確有力地知道

I constantly wonder what I can do

發生性侵事件不是他們的錯。

and what we can all do as a society

布芮尼•布朗博士深入研究了 羞恥感和軟弱，

to get ahead of the shame

她說羞恥感是最強大的「主控」情緒。

and instead empower our children to know without a doubt

我再同意不過了。

that sexual abuse isn't their fault.

羞恥感能讓遭受到性侵

Dr. Brené Brown,

或被大人以其他方式傷害的孩子

who has done incredible research around shame and vulnerability,

把自己與外界隔離，

calls shame the most powerful master emotion.

同時內在感受到強烈的痛苦。

And I couldn't agree more.

但是，你想想看，

Shame has the power to make kids who have been sexually assaulted

那不是極不公平嗎？

or in some other way victimized by adults

當最終的結果是孩子感到羞恥，

turn in on themselves

那不是整個社會的失敗嗎？

and experience intense internal pain.

為什麼不是犯罪者？

But think about that.

他們才是該為自身行為 感到羞恥的人，不是嗎？

Isn't that incredibly unfair?

反之，他們利用孩子的羞恥感，

Haven't we failed as a society

讓他們以為被性侵是他們的錯。

when the end result is a child feeling shame?

侵犯我的人成功操縱了我的羞恥感，

Shouldn't it be the perpetrators?

而我正中他下懷，

Shouldn't they be ashamed of what they've done?

多年下來，痛苦煎熬的沉默 打成了一個死結。

Instead, they prey on the shame of children

但那羞恥感也是我的錯嗎？

and manipulate them into thinking that what happened is their fault.

撇開受害者身分，身為一個家長，

The person who violated me fed my shame

我和許多人一樣，

and I played right into it,

都曾不經思索地對自己的孩子說：

becoming a knot of tortured silence

「別讓任何人碰你； 也別讓任何人傷害你；

for many years.

別讓自己陷入可能會受害的情況。」

But is that shame also my fault?

做為父母，我們以為這麼說 是讓孩子知道身體是自己的主權，

Not as a victim but as a parent,

但是在說「別讓任何人碰你」時，

who like so many of us,

其實真正傳達的訊息是：

has unthinkingly said things to my children like,

「你要為別人的行為負責。」

"Don't let anyone touch you;

我們把整件事說得好像 孩子有控制權一樣，

don't let anyone hurt you;

這很不切實際，

don't put yourself in situations where you can become a victim."

因為這樣說反而是給孩子

As parents, we believe that we're empowering our children

帶來一種錯誤的責任感。

to take ownership of their bodies,

彷彿一個內在的聲音在說

but when we say "don't let anyone touch you,"

阻止壞事發生是他們的責任，

what we're really saying is

即使還是小孩，也有責任 去阻止他人的行為，

"you are responsible for the actions of somebody else."

對抗那些通常比他們高大、

We're treating this subject like it's something children can control,

強壯、

which is unrealistic,

年長的人。

and are in turn creating a sense of false responsibility

這樣的訊息聽起來像是 我應該要能阻止事情的發生，

in the mind of a child.

而這讓我只能怪罪自己。

An internal narrative that tells them it is their job

因而產出也相信是我做錯的想法。

to stop bad things from happening,

我經常在想自己是否無意間 也對我的孩子傳達了同樣的訊息。

that they as children are responsible for stopping the actions

我想要保護自己的孩子並沒錯，

of someone who is usually bigger,

但我可能錯在不經意地

stronger

將自己小時候相信的訊息灌輸給他們，

and older than they are.

以為自己只要說「不」 就可以阻止別人侵犯我，

I heard a message that I should have been able to stop what was happening to me

但是如此一來，

and that made me blame myself.

如果我說的「不」沒有奏效，

I developed and then believed the idea that I had done something wrong.

那就變成我的錯。

I constantly wonder if I'm unintentionally setting the same traps for my children.

身為倖存者，

I'm not wrong for wanting to keep my kids safe,

現在我想要告訴他們 我當年渴望聽到的訊息：

but I might be wrong for inadvertently telling them the same sorts of things

在面對明知故犯的大人時，

that I believed as a child --

身為孩子的你不該責怪自己無能為力。

that I could prevent someone from taking advantage of me

但，同時，

by saying "no,"

我也希望他們相信他們有能力

and therefore,

可以阻止別人佔他們便宜。

if my "no" didn't work,

我希望他們知道身體是屬於自己的。

that it was my fault.

我想要告訴我的孩子我能保護他們，

As a survivor,

我真的想要相信自己可以做到。

I want to tell them now what I longed to hear then:

但是立意良善及母親的直覺之下

that there is nothing you can do

埋藏著同樣的羞恥感。

to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of

在告訴我的孩子他們有能力 預防遭受性侵時，

by someone who should know better.

不正是說當年的我應該也能做到嗎？

But at the same time,

我們教導孩子如何說「不」。

I want them to believe they have the power

每次我也說「不」。

to stop someone from taking advantage of them.

但我很快就學到「不」不見得都有用。

I want them to feel ownership of their bodies.

我不是說教孩子說「不」是錯的，

I want to tell my kids that I can protect them,

只是那不是解決方法。

and I want to believe that.

這個概念很難溝通，

But buried beneath all those good intentions

但這是我們必須面對的現實，

and motherly instincts

必須與孩子開誠布公的事實。

is that same shame.

即使我一再說「不」去拖延時間，

If I tell my kids that there's something they can do to prevent sexual assault,

事情最終還是會發生。

doesn't that mean that there's something that I could have done?

到最後我覺得，乾脆屈服熬過去，

We teach our children to say "no".

至少到下次再發生前我能得到點平靜。

I said "no" every time.

但這樣做讓我覺得徹底失敗。

And I quickly learned that "no" doesn't always work.

因為對發生在自己身上的事 只有全然的無力感，

That doesn't mean that saying "no" is the wrong idea,

而任何想補救挽回的春秋大夢

just that it's not a solution.

只是更加深自己的罪惡感和羞恥感，

This is a scary concept to talk about,

為什麼我不夠強硬阻止凌虐我的人。

but it's a reality that we have to face

我為自己的軟弱感到罪惡。

and be honest about with our children.

我為自己的害怕感到罪惡。

The more that I said "no,"

我本應更強硬一點的。

the more I prolonged the inevitable.

我本應把「不」說得更響亮。

It got to the point where I felt

我的「不」本應足以阻止一切。

that if I just gave in and got it over with,

現在我改變方式，告訴我的孩子， 如果壞事發生了，

at least I would have some peace until whenever the next time would be.

絕對不是因為他們沒有去防止，

That made me feel like a failure.

也不應該在說了「不」後 還得獨力承擔後果。

I felt all sense of power I had over the situation slip away,

性侵案感覺像是隨機事件， 但其實是有跡可循的。

and any grand illusions of fixing what had happened

日常生活中，隨時都可能發生，

only compounded the guilt and shame that I felt

因為我們的社會扭曲也限制了 我們對性暴力的了解：

for not being strong enough to stop my abuse.

社會的性別規範、 長久以來系統性地歧視女性、

Now I felt guilty for being weak.

犧牲迫害受害者，

I felt guilty for being scared.

太多原因了。

I was supposed to be stronger.

這不僅是個人的問題，

I was supposed to say "no" better.

特別是當研究指出，

My "no" was supposed to be enough.

平均每四個女孩就有一個，

Now instead, I try to tell my kids that if something bad happens to them,

每十三個男孩中也有一個

it's not because they didn't prevent it

在童年的某階段遭受到性虐待。

nor is it on their shoulders alone to say "no."

這代表問題無法憑個人力量解決。

Although it feels like it,

於是，

sexual assault doesn't occur in a vacuum.

當我教導孩子勇氣、毅力、

It is enabled every single day

鍥而不捨和克服障礙時，

by how our society misrepresents

我確保他們知道

and conditions us to think about sexual violence:

勇氣並不代表獨自面對挑戰 或隻身承受絕望的感覺。

the gender norms and systemic misogyny that are ever-present,

事實上，團結就是力量，

the victimization of victims

求助也是力量的表現。

and so much more.

我對自己因為不想顯得軟弱 而選擇沉默感到羞恥，

It is not just an individual problem,

可是我現在了解了，

especially when some studies show

談論自已的遭遇只會讓我變得更堅強。

that as many as one in four girls

同時我的羞恥感開始消散。

and one in 13 boys experience sexual abuse

我教導我的孩子勇氣，

at some point during childhood.

我希望他們知道，

And that means it's not just on individuals to solve it.

勇敢、堅強的人會適時求助。

So of course while I try to teach my kids about strength and resilience

我記得小時候，

and persevering, and overcoming obstacles,

我父母會陪我走到公車站。

I make sure that they know

他們說那是為了我的安全，我也相信。

strength doesn't mean facing challenges or dark feelings alone.

我也記得他們要我特別小心 留意一輛白色箱型車。

In fact, there's strength in numbers

但就像九成遭到性虐待的孩童一樣，

and strength in asking for help.

我並不是在街角被擄走 或是在購物中心被綁架。

I was ashamed to speak up for fear of appearing weak,

我是被熟人侵犯。

but what I learned

我父母已經盡全力保護我，

is talking about what happened to me only made me stronger.

但沒人知道內在的羞恥感 早就開始悄悄地建立，

It made my shame start to dissipate.

在我們講到「危險陌生人」時，

I teach my kids about courage,

在學說「不」避免成為受害者時。

and I want them to know

當然，這並非他們的原意。

that courageous, strong people ask for help.

他們只是做全天下父母都會做的事……

I remember when I was little,

以為我們能怎樣保護孩子不碰到壞人，

my parents would walk me to the bus stop.

但實際上是不可能的。

They said it was to keep my safe,

而且性侵害的問題

and I believed that.

也不會因為責怪受害者 或潛在受害者就解決，

I remember always looking out for that white van

包含我們所愛的人在內。

that I had been warned about.

真正該責怪的對象百分之百是犯罪者。

But like over 90 percent of children who are sexually abused,

當被怪罪的是其他人時，

I wasn't taken off a street corner or abducted from a shopping mall.

不僅讓性侵者完全逃避責任，

I was violated by someone I knew.

也帶給受害者永難抹滅的羞恥感。

My parents did everything they could to protect me,

而我真的厭倦了感到羞恥。

but what none of us realized

老實說，

was the foundation of shame that was building inside

針對這場演講，我寫了 至少十種版本的結論，

when we talked about "stranger danger"

但沒有一個感覺對的。

and saying "no"

我想原因應該是沒有所謂的結論。

and not becoming a victim.

這個問題無法被裝盒包起來，

Of course this wasn't intentional.

打上完美的蝴蝶結，

They did what all of us want to do as parents ...

放到一邊，就大功告成。

imagine that there's something we can do to protect our children from bad things,

這問題需要我們持續不斷、

but the fact is we can't.

公開地對話、

And we can't solve the problem of sexual assault

無論感覺如何地不自在。

by shifting all of the blame onto victims or potential victims

無論我多想要保護我的孩子，

or even our loved ones.

我已經了解自己在保護 他們不遇到性暴力這件事上，

The blame, 100 percent, is with the perpetrators.

所能做的就跟當初我的父母一樣。

And pretending that it lies anywhere else

但是我可以保護他們不遭受羞恥感。

not only allows those who commit assault to escape full responsibility

求上帝不讓我的孩子遭遇我所經歷的。

but also perpetuates shame for victims.

至少，我希望他們知道，

And I for one am tired of being ashamed.

性侵不是，

I'll be honest with you.

過去不是，

I wrote at least 10 different conclusions to this talk,

未來即使發生也不會是他們的錯。

but none of them felt right.

謝謝。

And I think that's because there isn't a conclusion here.

There's no way to wrap this subject up in a box,

tie it in a perfect bow,

set it aside and call it done.

This requires ongoing,

open

and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.

And as much as I want to protect my children now,

what I've come to realize is I can't protect them from sexual violence

any more than my parents could have protected me.

But what I can protect them from is shame.

God forbid my children go through what I went through.

I, at the very least, want them to know

that sexual assault is not,

never was

and never will be their fault.

Thank you.