based on a children's cartoon designed to sell toys

comes a movie designed to sell toys,

toys you can't even tell apart - except for the black one.

"This looks like a cool place to kick it."

Together, they will unite with this stuttering teenager.

"No no no no no no no no!"

"No no no!"

"No no no!"

"Oh, no no no!"

"No no no no!"

"No no no no!"

"No no no no!"

"No!"

to defeat a bad guy who doesn't appear until

almost two hours into the movie.

But in the meantime, there's gratuitous porny

shots of Megan Fox,

weird racism,

"Hey, mommy!"

and robot fights that erupt around random

hot girls Michael Bay was trying to pork.

This summer, you will say:

what

the hell

is happening?

Until they give the bad guy the thing he wants,

and then it kills him. Seriously.

It's f*cking stupid.

Starring...

Burger King

Panasonic

eBay

Cadillac

GMC

The Strokes

Pepto Bismol

X-Box

Furbies

Pontiac

Mountain Dew

Chevrolet

Chevrolet

and introducing Chevrolet.

BATTLESHIP. I mean, TRANSFORMERS.

C'mon, they both look the same. Oh man, The Ninja Turtles are f*cked.

Based on the tragedy that spawned thousands of heart-breaking true stories

comes this fake one. Jack is an unrealistically sexy peasant,

and Rose is a first-class suicidal pair of boobs.