WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, I'M FLAD TO BE YOUR HOST

* I'm your HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, I'm FLAD to be your HOST * 我是你的主持人，STEPHEN COLBERT，我是你的主持人。

TONIGHT, ALL NIGHTS, BUT PARTICULARLY TONIGHT IS AN

今晚，所有的夜晚，但特別是今晚是一個。

HISTORICAM NIGHT IN THE ANNALS OF TELEVISION.

HISTORICAM NIGHT IN THE ANNALS OF TELEVISION.

TONIGHT IS THE FIRST NIGHT I AM SITTING DOWN WITH A GUEST IN

今晚是我第一次和客人坐在一起的時候

PERSON "THE LATE SHOW"" AND WHO ELSE DO YOU WANT TO

人 "晚間秀"，誰的人，你想到

BREAK THAT SEAL WITH BUT PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

打破封印，但總統巴拉克・奧巴馬。

THAT'S RIGHT, BARACK OBAMA, MY GUEST TONIGHT.

這是正確的，巴拉克・奧巴馬， 我的嘉賓今晚。

THREE ACTS?

三場戲？

THREE ACTS OF BARACK OBAMA.

巴拉克-奧巴馬的三個行為。

AND YOU GO, "IS THAT-- SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME"

你說："那是... ...好像很長時間了"

NO, IT'S NOT.

不，它不是。

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW QUICKLY IT FLIES.

你無法相信它飛得有多快。

FIRST ACT, OBVIOUSLY, JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT.

第一幕，很明顯，只是朋友們在一起玩。

POWER PACKED THOUGH, AND REALLY SUBSTANTIVE.

蓄勢待發，真正的精氣神。

NEXT ACT WE'RE GOING TO MOVE SOME PAPER.

下一幕我們要去移動一些文件。

WE'RE GOG SELL SOME BOOKS.

我們是GOG賣一些書。

SUPER FUN AT THE SAME TIME.

超級有趣的時間。

THEN THE THIRD ACT, WE PLAY BASKETBALL.

然後第三幕，我們打籃球。

THAT'S HISTORIC.

那是歷史性的。

THAT IS AN HISTORIC GAME.

這是一場歷史性的比賽。

WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE RESULTS.

等到你看到結果的時候。

AND, YES, THERE WAS SOME WAGERING.

而且，是的，有一些爭論。

ANYWAY, HOW MANY QUESTIONS DID I GET IN?

總之，我進了多少個問題？

>> THREE.

>> 三。

>> Stephen: THREE QUESTIONS, 20 MINUTES.

>> Stephen:三道題，20分鐘。

HE WAS VERY GRACIOUS.

他是個大好人。

THANK YOU AGAIN, MR. PRESIDENT, FOR SITTING DOWN WITH US.

再次感謝你，先生。主席先生，感謝你和我們一起坐下來。

YOU KNOW WHO HE IS MARRIED TO, THAT MICHELLE OBAMA.

你知道他和誰結婚了，那個米歇爾・奧巴馬。

THAT WOULD BE A GREAT GUEST.

這將是一個偉大的客人。

THAT, THAT WOULD BE A GREAT GUEST.

那，那將是一個很好的客人。

NOT THAT HE'S NOT A GOOD GUEST.

不是說他不是一個好的客人。

HE'S A GREAT GUEST, BUT EVERYBODY LOVES HER.

他是一個很好的客人，但每個人都愛她。

EVERYBODY LOVES HER.

每個人都喜歡她。

I'M ALSO JOINING YOU ON-- IS THAT TOO LONG A PAUSE?

我也和你一起... ... 停頓時間是不是太長了？

I WAS JUST INSPIRED BY THE PRESIDENT.

我只是受到主席的啟發。

IT WAS AN OBAMA-ESQUE PAUSE.

那是奧巴馬式的停頓。

I'M ALSO JOINING YOU ON AN HISTORIC DAY FOR FANS OF

我也要和你們一起度過一個歷史性的日子，對於《星際迷航》的粉絲來說。

CAPITALISM, BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THE DOW HIT

資本主義，因為有史以來第一次，道瓊斯指數達到了

30,000.

30,000.

WOW!

哇！

THAT IS IS... SO MANY OF THEM.

那就是...這麼多的人。

OF THE DOW... POWNTS?

的道...POWNTS？

IS IT DOW POINTS.

是道點。

DOWELLINGS.

目標：

IS IT DOW DROPS.

是道滴。

DOW UNITS.

陶氏組織、部門：

30,000 DOWS, DOWELLINGS.

30,000 DOWS，DOWELLINGS。

LET ME PUT IT IN LEHMAN'S TERMS.

LET ME PUT IT IN LEHMAN'S TERMS.

IF YOU PUT ALL 30,000 OF THOSE DOW POINTS END TO END, IT WOULD

如果你把所有的30,000個這樣的下限點端到端，它將是

STRETCH ALL THE WAY TO THE S&P 500.

延伸到標準普爾500指數的所有方式。

I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

我實際上不知道他們是什麼。

I THINK EACH DOW IS LIKE A TICKET AT CHUCK E.

我覺得每張票就像一張CHUCK E的票。

CHEESE.

奶酪。

WHEN IT WAS AT 25,000, AMERICA COULD GET A STUFFED BUNNY.

當它在25,000，美國可以得到一個毛絨絨的兔子。

NOW WE'RE AT 30,000, AND WE COULD GO FOR THE BEAR OR THE BIG

現在我們已經到了3萬，我們可以去找熊或者大熊

LION, OR THE FULL-SIZED FOOTBALL.

獅子，或全尺寸的足球。

ANYWAY, WHATEVER THEY ARE, IT'S A LOT OF THEM.

總之，不管他們是什麼人，都是很多人。

SO, TO EVERYONE WHO WORKS ON WALL STREET, CONGRATULATIONS.

所以，對所有在華爾街工作的人，恭喜你們。

AND TO EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T WORK ON WALL STREET, GOOD LUCK WITH

對於那些不在華爾街工作的人，祝你們好運。

THAT.

那。

NEVER ONE TO PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO GLOAT FOR

從來不會錯過任何一個可以讓人高興的機會。

SOMETHING HE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR, THE PRESIDENT HELD AN

一些他不負責任的事情，主席舉行了一次。

IMPROMPTU PRESS CONFERENCE TO CONGRATULATE HIMSELF FOR THE

IMPROMPTU新聞發佈會，祝賀他自己的新聞發佈會。

DOW JONES NUMBERS GOING BIG ON THE MONEY CHART.

道瓊斯的數字在金錢排行榜上大放異彩。

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE

>> 謝謝你非常多，我只是想恭喜你。

EVERYBODY.

每個人。

THE STOCK MARKET, DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE JUST HIT

股票市場上，道瓊斯工業平均指數剛剛觸及

30,000, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST IN HISTORY.

3萬，這是歷史上最高的。

THE STOCK MARKET'S JUST BROKEN 30,000, NEVER BEEN BROKEN, THAT

股市剛剛突破30,000，從來沒有被打破，那

NUMBER.

編號：

THAT IS A SACRED NUMBER, 30,000.

這是一個神聖的數字，30000。

>> Stephen: YES, A SACRED NUMBER.

>> 斯蒂芬：是的，一個神聖的數字。

AS JESUS HIMSELF SAID, "BLESSED BE THE NUMBER 30,000, FOR, MAN,

正如耶穌自己所說："三萬個數字有福了，因為，人。

THAT'S A LOT OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE COUNTING.

你算的東西可真多啊。

SHEEP?

綿羊？

WHAT ELSE DO WE OWN AROUND HERE?

我們在這附近還擁有什麼？

NOTHING."

什麼都沒有。"

GOTTA BE SHEEP.

必須是羊。

THEN, JUST ONE MINUTE AND 15 SECONDS AFTER THE PRESS

然後，就在新聞發佈後的1分15秒內。

CONFERENCE STARTED, IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T A PRESS

會議開始了，結果發現這不是一次新聞發佈會。

CONFERENCE.

會議：

IT WAS JUST A BRAG 'N DASH, BECAUSE HE LEFT WITHOUT TAKING

這只是一個BRAG'N DASH，因為他離開了沒有采取。

ANY QUESTIONS.

任何問題。

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

>> 非常感謝你們，每個人。

THANK YOU.

謝謝你。

(CROSSTALK) (REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS)

(圍觀) (記者喊話)

>> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> MR. PRESIDENT--

>> 先生。主席-->>先生。主席：

>> SIR, WHY NOT... FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY, SIR.

>> 主席先生，為什麼不... ... 為了國家的利益，先生：

( BLEEP ) >> Stephen: STIRRING WORDS THAT

( BLEEP ) >> 斯蒂芬: 激動人心的話語，讓人感動。

SOMEDAY, NO DOUBT, WILL GRACE THE FACADE OF HIS PRESIDENTIAL

總有一天，毫無疑問，他將會在他的總統辦公室裡出現。

LIBRARY.

圖書館。

THIS WAS A RARE POTUS SIGHTING.

這是一個罕見的總統視線。

SINCE THE ELECTION, HE'S MADE FEW PUBLIC APPEARANCES.

自選舉以來，他很少公開露面。

HE KNOWS THAT IF HE COMES OUT OF HIS BUNKER AND SEES HIS SHADOW,

他知道，如果他走出他的碉堡，看到他的影子。

HE'LL ONLY HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF PRESIDENT.

他只有6個星期的總統任期了

BUT TODAY, HE HAD A PRESSING MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY: THE

但今天，他有一個國家安全的緊迫問題：國家安全。

ANNUAL TURKEY PARDON.

一年一度的火雞大赦。

THIS YEAR'S STAR TURKEYS WERE NAMED CORN AND COB.

今年的明星火雞被命名為玉米和庫伯。

WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THEM ARRIVING IN D.C. FOR THEIR BIG

我們有一些他們抵達華盛頓的鏡頭，為他們的大事件。

DAY.

天。

HERE THEY ARE ARRIVING AT THE ICONIC WILLARD HOTEL, GREETING

他們在這裡抵達標誌性的威拉德酒店，迎接

THEIR THRONGS OF FANS, AND THEN RELAXING IN SOME PLUSH BEDS,

他們的粉絲的字符串，然後放鬆 在一些PLUSH床。

WHERE THEY ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PRIVILEGE DURING AN EXPLODING

爆發期間承認其特權的國家的情況

HOMELESS CRISIS.

無家可歸的危機。

OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER LEADER MADE IT CLEAR HOW FORTUNATE THE

我們即將上任的領導人明確表示，我們的國家有多麼幸運。

PARDONED BIRD WAS.

被赦免的鳥兒是。

>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MOMENT OF OUR GUESTS OF HONOR.

>> 現在是我們的榮譽嘉賓的時刻了。

THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING.

他們一直在等待。

AND, IN THIS CASE, HE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.

而且，在這種情況下，他一直在等待這個。

BRING THEM OUT.

把他們帶出來。

LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BIRD.

看看那隻美麗的，美麗的鳥兒。

OH, SO LUCKY.

哦，那麼幸運。

THAT IS A LUCKY BIRD.

那是一隻幸運的鳥。

>> Stephen: YES, IT'S A LUCKY, LUCKY BIRD... TO HAVE A BETTER

>> Stephen: 是的，這是一隻幸運的，幸運的鳥... ...有一個更好的

LEGAL TEAM THAN THE PRESIDENT.

法律團隊比主席更有說服力。

THEN HE SAID THE WORDS THAT SO MANY WHO HAVE WORKED FOR THIS

然後，他說了許多為之工作的人所說的話。

ADMINISTRATION HAVE LONGED TO HEAR:

行政部門一直以來都希望聽到：

>> I HEREBY GRANT YOU A FULL PARDON.

>> 我現在給予你全額赦免。

>> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT-- AN INNOCENT TURKEY PARDONED BY A

>> Stephen:這就是你所擁有的 -- 一個無辜的土耳其人被赦免了。

LAME DUCK.

鴨子刀。

AND HE JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT LAMER BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, THE

他只是得到了一個有點跛腳的，因為昨晚，該

GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION FINALLY DECLARED THAT BIDEN CAN

總務廳最後宣佈，比登可

BEGIN HIS TRANSITION.

開始他的轉變。

HIS TRANSITION, EVEN THOUGH THE CURRENT PRESIDENT STILL HASN'T

他的過渡，儘管現任主席仍然沒有。

CONCEDED, AND HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

征服，他不高興。

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EXCITING INSTALLMENT

我將在今晚的精彩節目中告訴你一切。

OF...

的...

( TO TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS" ) ♪ SCREW YOURSELF

（到 "叮噹鈴 "的曲調） 擰你自己的

SCREW YOURSELF ♪ I WON'T GO AWAY ♪

擰你自己，不會走了

>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."

>> "白宮之路"。

>> Stephen: WHEN THINGS GO WRONG FOR THE PRESIDENT, HE LOOKS DEEP

>> 史蒂芬：當總統出錯時，他就會深陷其中。

INSIDE AND TRIES TO UNDERSTAND WHO HE'S GOING TO BLAME.

內心，並試圖瞭解 他要去責備誰。

IN THIS CASE, THE NEEDLE LANDED ON HIS PERSONAL ATTORNEY AND

在本案中，針頭落在了他的私人律師身上，並且。

BILBO POSSESSED BY THE ONE RING, RUDY GIULIANI.

BILBO擁有的一個戒指，魯迪-朱利亞尼。

AFTER RUDY'S DISASTROUS PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK, AIDES SAY

上週魯迪的新聞發佈會後，助手們說：

THE PRESIDENT STARTED TO WORRY THAT HIS LEGAL TEAM "IS COMPOSED

主席開始擔心他的律師團隊 "是由一群人組成的"。

OF FOOLS THAT ARE MAKING HIM LOOK BAD."

的傻瓜，正在讓他看起來很糟糕。"

NO, SIR, THAT'S YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP TEAM.

不，先生，這是你的髮型和化妝團隊。

BUT ONE OF THE KEY CONFIDENCE KILLERS COULD HAVE BEEN WHEN

但其中一個關鍵的信任殺手可能是當。

RUDY HAD THIS LITERAL MELTDOWN.

RUDY有這個字面的熔斷。

EVEN IF IT'S CLOSE TO THANKSGIVING, THE PRESIDENT

即使是臨近感恩節，主席也會把它作為一個新的起點。

DOESN'T WANT A LAWYER WHO MAKES HIS OWN GRAVY.

不想要一個律師誰做他自己的肉。

NOW, IT MAY BE HARD TO IMAGINE, BUT RUDY WASN'T ALWAYS THE TROLL

現在，也許很難想象，但魯迪並不總是那個惡棍。

LIVING UNDER AMERICA'S BRIDGE.

生活在美國的橋下。

JUST 18 YEARS AGO, HE WAS ALMOST UNIVERSALLY HAILED AS A NATIONAL

僅僅18年前，他就被普遍譽為全國性的。

HERO.

HERO：

IN FACT, THIS MORNING, THE INTERNET UPCHUCKED A NEWLY

事實上，今天早上，互聯網上出現了一個新的。

REDISCOVERED CLIP OF A 2003 RUDY BIOPIC FEATURING ACTOR AND GUY

2003年RUDY BIOPIC電影的重新發現片段，演員和傢伙的特色。

ON THE SUBWAY WHO KEEPS MENTIONING THE SEAT NEXT TO HIM

在地鐵上，誰一直在提他旁邊的座位？

IS FREE, JAMES WOODS.

是免費的，詹姆斯・伍茲。

WOODS-- 1600 ON HIS S.A.T.s, JUST ASK HIM AND HE'LL TELL

木頭 -- 他的S.A.T.s的1600，只要問他，他就會告訴你。

YOU-- UNIRONICALLY PORTRAYED GIULIANI AS A ROMANTIC IDEALIST.

你... ... 不約而同地把吉利安尼描繪成一個浪漫的理想主義者。

HERE'S JUST A TASTE.

這裡只是一個味道。

>> THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER TAUGHT ME.

>> 這是我父親教我的。

MY DAD AND MY OTHER HEROES: WINSTON CHURCHILL, BOBBY KENNEDY

我的爸爸和我的其他英雄：溫斯頓-丘吉爾，博比-肯尼迪。

>> DEMOCRATS.

>> 民主黨人。

>> AS I ONCE WAS.

>> 如同我曾經的樣子。

>> WHY'D YOU SWITCH?

>> 你為什麼要轉換？

>> YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT THINGS GETTING

>> 你知道，民主黨人總是說要把事情搞大。

BETTER.

BETTER.

REPUBLICANS DID WHATEVER THEY COULD TO MAKE THEM BETTER.

共和黨人盡其所能讓他們變得更好。

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR, RIGHT?

這就是我們來這裡的目的，對吧？

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THEY WOULD HAVE PAID

他們會支付的

FOR BETTER WRITING, BUT THEY BLEW THE WHOLE BUDGET ON THAT

為了更好的寫作，但他們把所有的預算都花在了這上面。

WINDOWS 98 SCREENSAVER OF THE OCEAN BEHIND HIM.

WINDOWS 98 SCREENSAVER OF THE OCEAN BEHIND H.

NOW, THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THAT MOVIE IS "RUDY: THE RUDY

現在，那部電影的實際標題是《魯迪：魯迪》。

GIULIANI STORY."

GIULIANI的故事。"

SEEMS A LITTLE REDUNDANT, BUT THEN AGAIN, ALL THE BEST MOVIES

似乎有點多餘，但又是所有最好的電影。

DRIVE HOME THEIR SUBJECT MATTER.

驅車回家他們的主題事項。

THAT'S WHY MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS "STAR WARS: A STAR WARS STORY."

所以我最喜歡的電影是 "星球大戰： 星球大戰的故事"

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THAT SCENE IS HOW REALISTICALLY IT PORTRAYS

我喜歡這一幕的原因是它描繪的如此逼真

THE ROMANCE OF TALKING ABOUT REPUBLICAN POLICY RIGHT BEFORE

談論共和黨政策的浪漫就在眼前。

YOU MAKE OUT.

你做出來。

HOLLYWOOD DOES IT ALL THE TIME IN LOVE SCENES:

好萊塢在愛情場景中總是這樣做。

>> I'M ALSO JUST A GIRL, STANDING IN FRONT OF A BOY,

>> 我也只是一個女孩，站在一個男孩面前。

ASKING HIM TO TAKE AWAY-- >> HER BODILY AUTONOMY.

要求他奪走-->她的身體自主權。

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ HOLY INFANT SO ♪

聖嬰如此

>> YOU COMPLETE ME.

>> 你完成了我。

I'M NOT JUST-- >> SHUT UP.

我不只是... 閉嘴。

JUST SHUT UP.

只是閉嘴。

YOU HAD ME AT-- >> OPPORTUNITY ZONES.

你讓我在 -- >> 機會區。

>> Stephen: I GOT ALL TEARED UP THERE.

>> Stephen:我在那裡淚流滿面。

SO, WITH THE PRESIDENT DISTANCING HIMSELF

所以，與主席的分歧

FROM THE NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT THAT IS RUDY GIULIANI, HE'S

從國家的恥辱，是魯迪-吉利安尼，他是。

LOOKING TO ALIGN HIMSELF WITH A MORE REPUTABLE FIGURE: ACTOR AND

想找一個更可靠的人物來配合自己。演員和

GUY IN THE MARKET FOR A USED WATERBED, RANDY QUAID.

在市場上買二手水床的傢伙，蘭迪・奎德。

QUAID, OF COURSE, IS MOST FAMOUS FOR TRYING TO ERECT A RANDY

奎德，當然，最著名的是試圖建立一個蘭迪。

QUAID MUSEUM, OR CLAIMING HE'S "ON THE RUN" FROM A

奎德博物館，或聲稱他在 "逃亡"，從一個。

CELEBRITY-KILLING ORGANIZATION CALLED THE "HOLLYWOOD STAR

被稱為 "好萊塢明星 "的名人殺人組織。

WHACKERS," OR SHOWING UP IN COURT WEARING A SHERIFF'S BADGE,

或者戴著警徽出現在法庭上。

OR POSTING DISTURBING SEX TAPES IN WHICH HE AND HIS WIFE ARE

或張貼令人不安的性愛錄像帶，其中他和他的妻子是

HAVING INTERCOURSE BELOW A PICTURE OF RUPERT MURDOCH.

有球場下面的魯伯特-默多克的圖片。

OBVIOUSLY, RANDY'S A BUSY GUY-- BARELY HAS TIME TO BUY AND SELL

顯然，蘭迪是個大忙人--幾乎沒有時間去買和賣

URINE ON CRAIGSLIST.

URINE在CRAIGSLIST上。

AND, TURNS OUT, QUAID HAS BEEN A LONGTIME MAGA MAN, AND THIS

而且，原來，奎德一直是一個長期的MAGA人，而這個

MORNING, THE PRESIDENT REPAID HIS LOYALTY BY RETWEETING

早晨，總統通過轉發他的忠誠

SEVERAL OF RANDY QUAID'S POLITICAL OPINIONS SUCH AS THIS

蘭迪-奎德的一些政治觀點，如這一點。

ONE: "WE'VE LOST CONFIDENCE IN THE

一："我們已經失去了對聯合國的信任

SYSTEM THAT ELECTS OUR LEADERS.

選舉我們領導人的系統。

79 MILLION AMERICANS BELIEVE ELECTION WAS RIGGED, THE RESULTS

7900萬美國人認為選舉是被篡改的，結果是

FRAUDULENT.

金光黨。

WE NEED AN IN-PERSON-ONLY PAPER BALLOT RE-VOTE, ESPECIALLY IN

我們需要一個親自的紙票重新投票，特別是在...。

THE STATES WHERE FLAGRANT IRREGULARITIES HAVE OCCURRED.

發生過旗幟性非法活動的國家：

NO ACCURACY, NO DEMOCRACY!" TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT ADDED

沒有準確，就沒有民主！"主席又說："沒有準確，沒有民主！

"ARE YOU LISTENING, REPUBLICANS?"

"你們在聽嗎，共和黨人？"

NO.

號碼：

THE ONLY PERSON LISTENING TO RANDY QUAID IS HIS THERAPIST,

唯一聽藍迪-奎德說話的人是他的心理醫生。

WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, IS AN OLD BOOT HE PUT A HAT ON.

不幸的是，這是一箇舊的靴子，他把一個帽子上。

QUAID ALSO GOT A RETWEET TODAY FROM THE PRESIDENT FOR HIS

奎德今天還得到了總統的一條微信，感謝他的。

AWARD-WINNING PRO-ADMINISTRATION MONOLOGUE FROM LAST YEAR.

去年獲獎的專業管理獨白：

>> IS THIS THE WAY AMERICA GOES?

>> 這就是美國的路嗎？

FROM GEORGE WASHINGTON TO GEORGE SOROS?

從GEORGE WASHINGTON到GEORGE SOROS？

WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPING GIANT.

醒來吧，你這個睡覺的巨人。

THE LILLIPUTIANS THAT TIE YOU DOWN WITH THEIR FANTASTIC DREAMS

用他們的夢幻般的夢想捆住你的利利浦人。

OF ICEBERGS MELTING INTO DINOSAURS AND TRAIN TRACKS

冰山融化成恐龍和火車軌道的過程

STRETCHING ACROSS THE PACIFIC WATERS.

跨越太平洋水域的延伸。

TRUMP TRUMPETS REVELING, AND IT'S TIME TO HEED THE CALL.

特朗普大喇叭在狂歡，是時候聽從號召了。

>> Stephen: "THANK YOU, MR. QUAID, BUT THIS IS AN AUDITION

>> 史蒂芬："謝謝你，先生。奎德，但這是一次試聽。

FOR A PROCESSED BEEF STICK.

對於加工好的牛肉棒。

SO IF YOU COULD JUST SNAP INTO THE SLIM JIM AND NOT MENTION THE

所以，如果你能扣進纖細的吉姆，而不提。

TRILATERAL COMMISSION."

三國委員會。"

THAT WOULD BE GREAT."

這將是巨大的。"

THAT'S THE MORE TONED-DOWN OF THE TWO RANDY QUAID MONOLOGUES

那是兩段蘭迪-奎德獨白中調得比較低的一段。

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES RETWEETED TODAY.

美國總統今天發了一條微博。

HERE'S THE BANANAS ONE: >> FOX NEWS DAYTIME RATINGS HAVE

這裡是BANANAS一：>>福克斯新聞日間評分已經。

COMPLETELY COLLAPSED, WEEKEND DAYTIME, EVEN WORSE.

完全崩潰了，週末白天，甚至更糟。

VERY SAD TO WATCH THIS HAPPEN.

很遺憾看到這種情況發生。

THEY FORGOT WHAT MADE THEM SUCCESSFUL, WHAT GOT THEM THERE.

他們忘記了他們成功的原因，忘記了他們成功的原因。

THEY FORGOT THE GOLDEN GOOSE.

他們忘記了金鵝。

>> Stephen: I BELIEVE HE'S USING WHAT'S KNOWN AS "MOOD

>> 史蒂芬：我相信他使用的是所謂的 "情緒"。

LIGHTING."

照明。"

THE MOOD?

情緒？

PEYOTE BENDER.

皮約特-本德。

AS CRAZY AS THAT LAST VIDEO IS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, QUAID WAS

瘋了，因為最後一個視頻是， 相信它或沒有，奎德是。

JUST GIVING A DRAMATIC READING OF A TWEET FROM THE PRESIDENT.

我只是給大家帶來了一個戲劇性的解讀總統的一條微博。

SO, A CRAZY GUY RETWEETED ANOTHER CRAZY GUY PERFORMING THE

所以，一個瘋狂的傢伙轉發了另一個瘋狂的傢伙表演的微博

FIRST CRAZY GUY'S CRAZY TWEET.

FIRST CRAZY GUY'S CRAZY TWEET.

IT'S A MOBIUS MESS.

這是一個MOBIUS的混亂。

IT'S LIKE WATCHING TWO TODDLERS TRY TO CHANGE EACH

就像看著兩個蹣跚學步的孩子試圖改變對方一樣。

OTHER'S DIAPERS, BUT SOMEHOW, IT'S EVEN MORE FULL OF CRAP.

別人的尿布，但不知為何，它甚至更充滿了垃圾。

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

我們有一個偉大的節目為你今晚。

MY GUEST, IN CASE I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT, IS PRESIDENT

我的客人，如果我沒有提到的話，是主席。

BARACK OBAMA.

巴拉克・奧巴馬。

STICK AROUND.