And welcome, welcome, welcome to

"The Tonight Show."

[ Cheering and applause ] Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for watching.

Thank you for being here.

Let's get to the news and jokes.

Well, guys, we have some good news from overseas

in the fight against COVID. Watch this.

-The UK approved the Pfizer vaccine.

It makes the UK the first Western country

to give a vaccine to the public outside of trials.

-Wow! Everyone there

will have access to the Pfizer vaccine.

Apparently, the UK is now five hours

and five months ahead of us.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Americans heard and were like,

"I watch 'The Crown.'

Does that mean I can get it?"

[ Laughter ]

The news is so good, people in UK

got this close to showing emotion.

[ Laughter ]

[ English accent ] I feel a tear coming on.

Fight it! [ Laughter ]

Fight it!

[ Laughter ]

But this is interesting -- there's an order

for who gets the vaccine first. It goes

codgers, hags, blokes, mums, and, last,

[ English accent ] wankers. [ Laughter ]

That was interesting.

These are some strange times.

Right, now Americans are looking

at leader of the UK and thinking,

"I wish we had that guy in charge."

[ Laughter ]

The vaccine over there

is actually the same as American one.

The only difference is the British one

is drier and more sarcastic.

[ Laughter ]

I love that joke. [ Laughter ]

Meanwhile, I saw that Vladimir Putin said Russia

will also start vaccinating their people next week.

Yeah, the vaccine seems like a winner.

5 out of 5 Russian doctors recommend it.

[ Slavic accent ] If they know what's good for them.

[ Laughter ]

And this is great -- Russia's already working

on a vaccine for whatever is

in that vaccine.

[ Laughter ]

Seriously, I'd eat sushi in Iowa on a Tuesday

before I'd trust a vaccine in Russia.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, some big news from Washington.

Yesterday, it came out that President Trump

might give Rudy Giuliani a preemptive pardon.

Well, now, he's thinking about the same thing

for his son-in-law, Jared Kushner;

and his kids Ivanka, Eric, and Don Jr.

Some families get each other sweaters for Christmas.

The Trumps get pardons.

[ Laughter ]

Yep, Trump said he wants to focus

on taking care of his loved ones,

those closest to him,

and Eric.

[ Laughter ]

It's not a great look for your presidency

when your biggest accomplishment is

"Most Family Members Pardoned."

[ Laughter ]

It's pretty crazy. The last person

who needed pardons for whole family

was Charles Manson.

[ Laughter ] -Oh!

-Meanwhile, Mike Pence is also asking for a pardon,

for the time he accidentally glanced

at a picture of Kate Upton.

[ Laughter ]

[ Drums play ] Mother!

It happened! It happened again!

[ Laughter ]

It was scary for me, but I slept it off.

[ Laughter ]

Face-down on the couch.

-Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

That's right, everybody, Trump is busy.

Last night he hosted a White House Christmas party.

He hosted a party.

And he made a pretty big announcement. Listen to this.

-Overnight, President Trump touting his success,

hinting at the inevitable, and suggesting

another possible run for the White House.

-Melania heard that and was like,

if you think I'm decorating this stupid house again,

you're nuts!"

[ Laughter ]

Really, another Trump presidency?

That's like the director of "Cats" announcing a sequel.

[ Laughter ]

You can tell Trump's serious about running again

because already claiming the 2024 election is rigged.

[ Isolated laughs ] If Trump --

Thank you, Seth.

[ Laughter ]

Always count on you, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

If Trump won in 2024, he'd be the first president

to serve nonconsecutive terms since Grover Cleveland,

which Trump thinks is the full name

of the fuzzy blue Muppet.

[ Laughter ]

That's right, in four years, Trump's either going to be

the president of the United States

or the cohost of "American Ninja Warrior."

[ Laughter ] But there was actually

another video taken of Trump's big announcement.

I don't know if you've seen this thing.

Listen to this.

-[ Coughing ]

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[ Coughing ]

-Ew!

[ Laughter ]

-Ugh! A party without masks, people coughing everywhere.

Next, Trump's going to celebrate the eight nights of Hanukkah

at Walter Reed.

[ Laughter ]

Well, guys, earlier tonight, NBC aired the

88th Annual Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting

and I have to say the tree looks amazing.

It's somewhere between 75 and 80 years old

and good news -- at that age, the tree will be one

of the first to receive the vaccine.

[ Laughter ]

If you plan on seeing the tree in person,

it'll stay lit every day from 6:00 am to midnight,

pretty much like every parent homeschooling their kids.

[ Laughter ]

But, due to COVID, visitors can only see the tree

for five minutes.

In response, Dads were like --

[ Changes accent ] What are we supposed to do

with the other four and a half minutes?

[ Laughter ]

See it?

[ Laughter and applause ]

Oh, thank you. Wow, applause?

[ Laughter ]

Some business news -- I heard that Drake

is now selling a scented candle that smells like

himself.

[ Laughter ]

Imagine being a scientist and your boss is like,

"I'm pulling you off the COVID vaccine

so you can work on the Drake candle."

[ Laughter ]

Actually, Drake said it's not even pronounced "Drake."

It's pronounced "Drah-ké."

[ Laughter ]

-Ew!

-That's right, the Drake candle smells like

musk, ambers, cashmere, suede, and velvet.

I, on the other hand, smell like Speed Stick,

everything bagels, and Purell.