This is a collector's item.

這是一件收藏品。

Take this show.

拿這個節目。

Put it one of those plastic sleeves and put it away.

把它放在一個塑料套裡，然後收起來。

Don't let your kids play with it.

不要讓你的孩子玩它。

Keep it cherry.

保持它的櫻桃。

I'm your host.

我是你的主人。

Stephen Colbert T g i f.

斯蒂芬-科爾伯特T g i f。

By which I mean thank God inoculations finally also thank God for a new president.

我的意思是謝天謝地接種終於也謝天謝地換了個新總統。

Finally, finally, whether or not the current one clinging by his fingernails to the White House door frame is ready to sack up and accept reality.

最後，最後，現在的他是否已經準備好了用手指甲緊緊抓住白宮門框，接受現實。

Yesterday, President elect Biden and Vice President elect Harris had their first official post election interview with Jake the Tapper.

昨天，當選總統拜登和副總統哈里斯接受了Jake the Tapper的選後首次正式採訪。

Biden said a lot of things, none of which will have to be defended in court by his drippy farting lawyer, The Times They are a changing one of the biggest.

拜登說了很多話，這些話都不用他那滴水不漏的放屁律師在法庭上辯護，《時代週刊》他們是變化最大的一個。

I'm just so happy, so damn happy they will Friday show.

我只是太高興了，太他媽高興了，他們將週五顯示。

One of the biggest topics Jake covered was an update on the president elect's recent Bussi last week.

傑克涵蓋的最大話題之一是上週總統當選人最近的布西的最新情況。

We learned that Biden it fractured his foot while playing with one of his dogs.

我們得知拜登在和他的一隻狗玩耍時，腳部骨折了。

We all wondered how that was even possible to the two of them go base jumping.

我們都在想，這怎麼可能，他們兩個人去跳基地。

We know he loves it Well, Biden cleared that up.

我們知道他喜歡這樣 拜登已經澄清了這一點

How is your foot?

你的腳怎麼樣了？

And what happened?

然後發生了什麼？

What happened was e got out of the shower.

發生了什麼事，我從浴室裡出來了。

I got a dog and anybody's been around my house knows, dropped a little pup, dropped the ball in front of me and for me to grab the ball.

我養了一隻狗，誰都知道，丟了一隻小狗，把球丟在我面前，讓我去搶球。

And I'm walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom.

我走過這條小巷子去臥室。

And I grabbed the ball like this and he ran on.

我就這樣抓著球，他就跑了。

I was joking.

我是開玩笑的。

Running after him to grab his tail on.

跟著他跑去抓他的尾巴上。

What happened was that he slid on a throw rug and I tripped on the rug.

發生的事情是，他在一塊扔地毯上滑倒，我被地毯絆倒。

He slid on.

他滑了上去。

That's what happened.

這就是發生的事情。

This story has everything intrigue, suspense, an old man washing himself.

這個故事有一切陰謀、懸念、老人洗自己。

But there's a lot to unpack in the story.

但故事裡有很多需要解讀的地方。

That's why tonight I'm introducing new segment.

所以今晚我要介紹新的環節。

The Late shows Joe Biden.

晚期節目喬-拜登。

Broken foot breakdown.

斷腳故障。

Let's start at the beginning, Joe.

讓我們從頭開始，喬。

What happened was e got out of the shower.

發生了什麼事，我從浴室裡出來了。

Okay, Stop right there.

好了，停在那裡。

Interesting detail paints a picture not necessarily relevant to the rest of the story.

有趣的細節描繪了一幅與故事其他部分不一定相關的畫面。

You never heard this.

你從來沒有聽說過這個。

And Dickins It was the best of times.

而狄更斯是最好的時代。

It was the worst of times.

那是最壞的時代。

But first let me be clear.

但首先讓我說明一下。

I will butt ass naked.

我會光著屁股。

You can see everything.

你可以看到一切。

Even Little Dorrit.

即使是小多莉。

So Biden's nude, wet and vulnerable.

所以拜登的裸體，溼漉漉的，很脆弱。

Please continue.

請繼續。

I got a dog and anybody's been around my house.

我有一隻狗，有人在我的房子周圍。

Knows, dropped a little pup dropped the ball in front of me.

知道了，掉了一個小狗在我面前掉球。

And for me to grab the ball.

並讓我去搶球。

Okay, Let's pause there again, sir.

好吧，我們再暫停一下，先生。

Why does anyone who's ever been to your house know that your dog waits for you with the shower door?

為什麼去過你家的人都知道，你的狗會拿著淋浴門等你？

Thanks for coming to check out The cable box keeps Fritz ing out any.

謝謝你來檢查，有線電視盒讓弗裡茨不知道任何。

We gotta go upstairs.

我們得上樓去

Let the pup get a gander at me.

讓小狗看一眼我。

Suds in up rub a dub, dub, Jack Loofa.

蘇德斯在上面揉了揉杜比，杜比，傑克盧法。

Okay, so the dog dropped the ball for Joe to play with.

好吧，所以狗把球掉了給喬玩。

Go on on.

繼續吧

I'm walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom again.

我穿過這條小巷子，又要去臥室了。

You heard that, right, Joe?

你聽到了，對吧，喬？

So old school, Scranton.

太老派了，斯克蘭頓

He's got an alleyway between his bathroom and his bedroom.

他的浴室和臥室之間有一條巷子。

When he wants a glass of water and 3 a.m. He's got a knife.

當他想喝水和凌晨3點的時候，他有一把刀。

Fight of street.

街頭的戰鬥。

Tough on his way to the sink.

艱難地走在去水槽的路上。

Come here.

來吧

But you get the idea.

但你明白我的意思

I get the idea.

我明白了

We all get the idea.

我們都明白這個道理。

You're on the move.

你在移動。

What happens then?

然後呢？

And I'm walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom.

我走過這條小巷子去臥室。

And I grabbed the ball like this, and he ran, and I was joking running after him to grab his tail.

我就這樣抓著球，他就跑，我還開玩笑的跟著他跑去抓他的尾巴。

Okay, Pause again.

好吧，再暫停一下。

You had the ball, and you were chasing the dog.

你有球，你在追狗。

That that is not how fetch works.

這不是fetch的工作方式。

Keep going.

繼續走吧

What happened was that he slid on a throw rug and I tripped on the rug.

發生的事情是，他在一塊扔地毯上滑倒，我被地毯絆倒。

He slid on.

他滑了上去。

That's what happened.

這就是發生的事情。

Start to feel like the dog wasn't really much of a factor here.

開始覺得狗在這裡並不是什麼重要的因素。

Is this gonna be a trend throughout the whole presidency?

這會是整個總統任期內的一個趨勢嗎？

So I got bad news about that single player healthy.

所以我得到了一個不好的消息，那個單人玩家健康。

But what?

但是什麼？

Sorry.

對不起，我不知道

What?

什麼？

It'll sound holes ain't working like they used them to try that again.

它的音孔不工作，就像他們用它們再試一次。

Jack, we've got bad news about the single payer health plan.

傑克，我們有一個關於單一付費醫療計劃的壞消息。

You see, my dog stepped on the keyboard.

你看，我的狗踩到了鍵盤。

Long story short.

長話短說。

Blue Cross owns all your organs.

藍十字會擁有你所有的器官。

Bad dog ps naked the whole time, Jack.

壞狗PS一直裸體，傑克。

Buffing it.

拋光它。

I'm really gonna enjoy this.

我真的會喜歡這個。

I'm gonna enjoy this.

我會喜歡這個。

But my favorite part of the story is how my friend Jake just transition smoothly out of it.

但我最喜歡的部分是我的朋友傑克如何順利過渡出來。

That's what happened.

這就是發生的事情。

Oh, man, Not not Not very exciting story.

哦，夥計，不是不是很刺激的故事。

No, but let's turn to ah, much more serious health matter, which is obviously the worsening pandemic.

不，但讓我們轉到啊，更嚴重的健康問題，這顯然是惡化的流行病。

What if Jakes ever been a best man?

如果賈克斯當過伴郎呢？

Alan Rachel, Seeing the two of you together warms my heart.

艾倫-瑞秋，看到你們倆在一起，我的心就暖暖的。

Speaking of warmth, let's talk about the devastating California wildfires.

說到溫情，我們來談談加州野火的破壞性。

But But Jakes right?

但是但是傑克斯是吧？

Things were not going well in America's fight against the coronavirus.

在美國對抗冠狀病毒的過程中，情況並不順利。

And I will spread the latest information in my lingering segment.

而我也會在我的凌波微步環節中傳播最新的資訊。

Catch a third wave, endless bummer.

抓住第三波，無盡的無賴。

Even I don't wanna catch me.

連我都不想抓我

Hey, I'm getting self Yesterday, America suffered its worst day of the pandemic breaking records that were set on Lee the day before.

嘿，我越來越自昨天，美國遭遇了最糟糕的一天，疫情打破了前天在李上創造的記錄。

And we just learned that as of this week, coronavirus is the number one cause of death in the United States, surpassing heart disease.

而我們剛剛瞭解到，截至本週，冠狀病毒是美國的頭號死因，超過了心臟病。

And may I remind you this is the country that invented deep fried Oreos and Oreos.

我想提醒你，這是一個發明了油炸奧利奧和奧利奧的國家。

But unlike our current president, Biden has a plan to get covered under control, and it begins with a simple step.

但與我們現任總統不同的是，拜登有一個計劃來讓保險得到控制，它從一個簡單的步驟開始。

I think my inclination, uh, Jake is in the first day I'm inaugurated to say I'm gonna ask the public for 100 days to mask, and it really is reasonable because most of us are already doing it.

我想我的傾向，呃，傑克是在我就職的第一天，說我要請公眾100天來蒙面，這真的是合理的，因為我們大多數人已經在做了。

A recent survey says that 77% of Americans say they're closely adhering to recommendations to wear masks.

最近的一項調查稱，77%的美國人表示他們正在嚴格遵守戴口罩的建議。

Not too closely.

不要太密切。

Remember to stay 6 ft away from the recommendations, please.

請記得離推薦的地方6英尺遠。

Biden also announced that Dr Fauci will keep his job, but now he'll be allowed to do his job so fat she's gonna be even busier.

拜登還宣佈，福齊醫生將保留他的工作，但現在他將被允許做他的工作，所以胖子她會更忙。

Which is hard to imagine, considering that this 79 year old immunologist already has an 18 hour work day with just 1 10 minute bathroom break.

這很難想象，考慮到這位79歲的免疫學家已經有18個小時的工作時間，只有1次10分鐘的上廁所時間。

Good Lord Fauci is setting an example that is impossible for the rest of us to live up to wear a mask.

好主福齊是樹立了一個榜樣，我們其他人是不可能戴上面具的。

Okay, wash your hands, I get it, but go through all of your bodily functions in 10 minutes before lunch.

好吧，洗手，我明白了，但在午餐前10分鐘內把你所有的身體機能都檢查一遍。

How am I supposed to catch up on my installers now?

我現在該如何追趕我的安裝人員？

Moving on to more urgent news.

接著說說更緊急的新聞。

This show has been rigorously following the movements of the monolith, both in our monolith themed monologue segment called The Monologue and our Full Monolith.

這個節目一直在嚴格地關注著巨石的動向，無論是我們的巨石主題獨白環節，還是我們的《全巨石》，都是如此。

Meanwhile, coverage mon while, but there've been so many recent developments that we have to track all of the monolith updates and record them now in a detailed log book with our new monolith themed monologue sub segment.

同時，覆蓋蒙而，但最近有很多的發展，我們必須跟蹤所有的單體更新，並記錄在一個詳細的日誌，現在與我們新的單體主題單體子段。

The monologue Previously on the monologue.

獨白 前面說到獨白。

The monolith appeared first in Utah, then disappeared, moved to Romania that on Wednesday the monolith made a triumphant return to California.

這塊巨石先是出現在猶他州，然後消失了，搬到了羅馬尼亞，週三這塊巨石又勝利回到了加州。

But sadly, it turns out we can't have nice monoliths anymore because, according to Gizmodo, bigot, live streamers have tourney down the California monolith in Christ's name.

但遺憾的是，事實證明，我們不能再擁有漂亮的巨石了，因為據Gizmodo報道，大佬、直播者已經以基督的名義巡迴演出了加州巨石。

Well, that makes sense.

嗯，這是有道理的。

Jesus himself said.

耶穌自己也說過。

Blessed are the bigot live streamers, for they shall inherit a misguided sense of morality and ruin Anything fun.

有福的是偏執的直播者，因為他們將繼承一個誤導的道德感和破壞任何有趣的東西。

Here's what happened.

事情是這樣的

The monolith was standing on hillside, minding his own business when three young men showed up, one of whom was wearing a Make America great again headband and called part of the monoliths construction gay.

巨石站在山坡上，正在忙著自己的事情，這時有三個年輕人出現了，其中一個戴著Make America great again的頭帶，稱部分巨石的建築為同志。

Okay, I got a lot of questions.

好吧，我有很多問題。

First of all, I know about the hats, but they make Maga headbands now.

首先，我知道帽子的事，但他們現在做馬加爵頭帶。

Are they starting Maga size classes.

他們是否開始馬加爵大小班。

Stand back.

退後

Stand by.

準備好了

Do not feel the Bern, by the way, this is This is me demonstrating exercise.

不要感覺到伯爾尼，順便說一句，這是我在演示練習。

It gives you some idea what I look like under the shirt second of all besides the offensive use of gay as a slur, how can part of the monolith be gay?

這讓你知道我在襯衫下面是什麼樣子的 其次，除了冒犯性地使用同志作為一種汙辱外，巨石的一部分怎麼可能是同志？

There are no parts.

沒有零件。

It is a mono lift.

它是一個單體電梯。

There's only one part.

只有一個部分。

The boys then tore down the monolith and replaced it with a wooden cross.

隨後，男孩們拆掉了石碑，換上了一個木質十字架。

Far be it for me to tell these idiots how to do their stupid, but it seems like it could have saved a lot of time and effort by just adding a perpendicular beam to the model it model.

遠的不說，我告訴這些白痴如何做他們的愚蠢，但它似乎可以節省大量的時間和精力，只需添加一個垂直的梁它模型。

If there's already two thirds of across, then they would have had more free time for their other important work, like crossbow shopping and going out in the backyard and shooting full cans of beef.

如果已經有三分之二的跨度，那麼他們就會有更多的空閒時間去做其他重要的工作，比如說買弩，去後院打滿牛肉罐頭。

A Roni with a crossbow thes had been wearing monolith hating Bible.

一個拿著十字弓的羅尼，一直戴著討厭聖經的石碑。

Breaux's explained their logic, saying, Christ is king in this country.

Breaux的人解釋了他們的邏輯，說，基督是這個國家的王。

We don't want illegal aliens from Mexico or outer space.

我們不需要來自墨西哥或外太空的非法移民。

You see, that's the kind of ignorant hate speech that is ruining this beautiful country.

你看，這就是那種無知的仇恨言論，正在毀掉這個美麗的國家。

Space aliens already have it rough enough.

外星人的生活已經夠艱難了。

I mean, look at Superman.

我的意思是，看看超人。

He saved us from Lex Luther countless times.

他無數次把我們從萊克斯-路德手中救出來。

You know, he still had to marry Lois Lane just to get a green card.

你知道，他還是要和露易絲-萊恩結婚才能拿到綠卡。

But maybe my favorite part of this dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb story is that after they toppled the monolith, they tied ropes around it and dragged it down the mountain, calling it names.

Ah, sweetie, it can't hear you.

啊，親愛的，它聽不到你的聲音。

It's an object.

這是一個對象。

A sexy, direct object that means nothing to you.

一個性感直接的對象，對你毫無意義。

Now drive off into the sunset with your truck full of sweaty had been wearing boys and never questioned the deeper meaning off you spending all night roping the giant shaft.

現在開車到夕陽下，你的卡車滿是汗水一直穿著男孩，從來沒有質疑更深的意義，你花了一夜的時間繩索巨大的軸。

And if the pandemic is making you wish you lived in a galaxy far, far away.

如果這種大流行病讓你希望自己生活在一個很遠很遠的星系裡。

Hey, good news, folks.

嘿，好消息，夥計們。

Because starting in January, the new TV show, Star Wars Kenobi is set to shoot in Boston.

因為從1月份開始，新的電視劇《星球大戰肯諾比》將在波士頓拍攝。

Wait, But what Boston really is this show about Obi Wan Kenobi or his cousin from Southie?

等等，但是波士頓真的是什麼波士頓，這個節目是關於歐比萬-肯諾比還是他的表弟從南方來的？

Obi Sean Kenobi.

歐比-肖恩-克諾比

Look, your helmets wicked.

你看，你的頭盔很邪惡。

Piss up with These aren't the droids.

這不是機器人的問題。

You're looking forward now to go park the death star Calderon and use the force.

你現在期待著去停放死星卡爾德隆，使用武力。

I'm your father.

我是你父親

It was a perfect Boston accent.

這是一個完美的波士頓口音。

No letters.

沒有信。

Maybe the old Jedi has been Irish the whole time.

也許老絕地一直都是愛爾蘭人。

The correct spelling of his name is O B one But the setting in Boston might prove a little challenging because according to shows description, that show is set on tattoo in a harsh desert world where farmers toil in the heat of two sons.

他的名字的正確拼寫是O B一但在波士頓的設置可能會被證明是一個小的挑戰，因為根據節目的描述，該節目被設置在紋身在一個嚴酷的沙漠世界，農民在兩個兒子的熱中辛勤工作。

So the scenery around uncle owns moisture Farm is gonna look a little different this time.

所以這次叔叔擁有水分農場周圍的景色會有點不同。

I'll tell you this, though.

但我要告訴你

I'm excited to hear Yoda say this Shuck The Yankees do so the new show is undoubtedly gonna have a touch of Boston flavor.

我很高興聽到尤達說這個舒克洋基隊做的，所以新節目無疑會有一點波士頓的味道。

In fact, we have a sneak preview of the opening credits.

其實，我們已經偷拍到了開篇的字幕。

Jim, hiding away in the outer rim takes everything you've got taking a break from all those yet I and your garbage can robot.

吉姆，躲在外圈裡需要你的一切... ...從那些我和你的垃圾桶機器人中抽身出來。

Wouldn't you like Thio?

你不喜歡Thio嗎？

Sometimes You wanna go where everybody has weird way?

有時你想去一個大家都有怪癖的地方？

Yeah, Not have to face that friend you maimed.

是啊，不用面對那個被你打殘的朋友。

You wanna go where people know that troopers have terrible aim?

你想去一個人們都知道阿兵哥們準頭很差的地方？