WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

HUGE NEWS-- JUST MOMENTS BEFORE TONIGHT'S TAPING, THE ELECTORAL

COLLEGE OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

AGAIN!

HE DID IT!

HE'S STILL THE WINNER!

AT THIS POINT, JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION SO MANY TIMES, HE'S

OUR 46TH THROUGH 51ST PRESIDENT.

THIS IS ALSO BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THIS MEANS-- AFTER SIX AGONIZING

WEEKS-- THE ELECTION IS FINALLY OVER.

STICK A FORK IN THE PRESIDENT HE'S DONE.

ALSO, KEEP THAT FORK HANDY BECAUSE POKING HIM IN THE BUTT

MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST WHINING IN WHAT I HOPE IS THE FINAL

INSTALLMENT OF A FAR-TOO-LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT:

♪ WHEN HAIR DYE LEAKED FROM RUDY'S HEAD

♪ THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES DEPRESSED AND COVERED

♪ IN SPRAY TAN THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES

♪ GO DOWN PROUD BOYS BOOGALOO AND KU KLUX KLAN

♪ TELL OL' ALITO THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES ♪

>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."

>> Stephen: THESE ARE GETTING LONGER, AND I LOVE 'EM, LESS

WORK FOR ME, I'LL GRANT YOU THAT.

LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT HAS FINALLY RUN THROUGH ALL THE

POSSIBLE WAYS HE CAN DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

HIS MONTHS-LONG ASSAULT HASN'T DONE SOME DAMAGE.

I MEAN, JUST GETTING THE RUDY STAINS OUT OF THE CARPET ALONE

IS GOING TO TAKE SOME ELBOW GEASE.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.

CASE IN POINT, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE ITSELF.

TODAY, THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL WAS CLOSED, ARIZONA ELECTORS MET AT

AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AND THERE WAS A SECRET ENTRANCE IN

WISCONSIN TO KEEP ELECTORS SAFE.

THIS IS CRAZY.

THESE PEOPLE AREN'T POLITICIANS OR EVEN VOTERS.

THEY'RE MESSENGERS OF WHAT THE VOTERS SAID.

THIS IS WHAT THE PHRASE "DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGERS" WAS

INVENTED FOR!

BUT THANKS TO THE G.O.P., THAT SAYING IS NOW, "BUY THE

MESSENGERS SOME BULLETPROOF VESTS AND SNEAK 'EM IN THROUGH

THE BACK DOOR BECAUSE WE ARE COO-COO BANANAS AND WE GOT A LOT

OF GUNS!" THIS SHOULD ALL JUST BE BORING.

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!

IT'S NOT NORMALLY NEWS!

IT'S LIKE ISSUING DEATH THREATS TO PAINT FOR DRYING.

THIS IS LIKE SIGNING UP FOR THE P.T.A. AND BEING TOLD,"OKAY,

YOU'RE ALL SIGNED UP.

HERE'S YOUR NUNCHUCKS AND YOUR FLAMETHROWERS.

WE'LL SEE YOU AT WEDNESDAY'S MEETING IN THE THUNDERDOME!

CAN YOU BRING SNACKS?" BUT IT WASN'T JUST THE DEATH

THREATS.

THE COVERAGE OF TODAY'S VOTE WAS ABSURDLY DRAMATIC.

JUST LOOK AT THIS URGENT MOMENT FROM CNN:

>> MORE VOTES, BY THE WAY, ARE COMING IN RIGHT NOW.

JUST MOMENTS AGO IN MISSOURI, THE ELECTORS CONFIRMED THEIR TEN

ELECTORAL VOTES FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP AND VICE PRESIDENT

MIKE PENCE.

>> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY, WOLF, WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY FROM THAT

DRAMATIC FOOTAGE BECAUSE WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT YOUR UNCLE

ALLEN HAS DECIDED TO IRON HIS SHIRT --

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) >> Stephen: WE WILL, OF

COURSE, CHECK BACK ON THAT STORY IF THERE ARE ANY NEW WRINKLES.

PERHAPS THE WORST RECENT ASSAULT AGAINST DEMOCRACY WAS THE

SUPER-DUMB LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY-GENERAL AND

MUGSHOT YOU JUST FOUND OF YOUR GRANDMA'S NEW

BOYFRIEND, KEN PAXTON.

TEXAS WANTED TO INVALIDATE ALL THE VOTES IN WISCONSIN,

MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA, AND GEORGIA BECAUSE THOSE STATES

MADE IT EASIER TO VOTE DURING A PANDEMIC.

BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO TELL OTHER STATES HOW TO DO THEIR

THING.

I MEAN, IF WE'RE LIVING BY THOSE RULES, LET'S KICK TEXAS OUT OF

THE UNION BECAUSE ALL OUR EXES LIVE THERE.

BUT THIS LAWSUIT WAS THE PRESIDENT'S LAST HOPE.

HE CALLED IT, "THE BIG ONE."

WELL, ON FRIDAY NIGHT, HE BIT "THE BIG ONE."

THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED THE TEXAS SUIT SEEKING TO SUBVERT

THE ELECTION.

THAT'S GOT TO STING.

THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY STACKED THE COURT TO HAND HIM THE

ELECTION, AND THEN THEY WENT ALL REASONABLE ON HIS ASS.

THAT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER GOING, "BRINGING ME BACK

FROM THE DEAD IS FRAUGHT WITH MORAL AND ETHICAL HAZARDS!

AND FOR THE RECORD, FIRE QUITE USEFUL WHEN USED WITH CAUTION!"

THE CASE WAS "DENIED FOR LACK OF STANDING."

NO SURPRISE THERE.

THE PRESIDENT STRUGGLES WITH STANDING, WALKING, AND EVEN

SITTING WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE'S ON THE TOILET.

WITH THE LOSS, THE PRESIDENT IS NOW ONE-IN-59 IN POSTELECTION

LITIGATION.

THAT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE RECORD, HE'S GETTING SYMPATHY CARDS FROM

THE NEW YORK JETS.

BUT IN THE FACE OF REALITY, THE PRESIDENT IS DEFIANT,

TWEET-YELLING, "WE HAVE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT!"

WELL, THEN YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED FIGHTING EARLIER,

BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU, AND IT'S OVER.

ON SATURDAY, BEFORE THE ARMY-NAVY GAME, THE PRESIDENT

HELD A FACE TO TOO CLOSE FACE INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN KILMEADE,

AND HAD A BIZARRE EXPLANATION FOR WHY HE

THINKS HE REALLY WON.

>> THE ELECTION WAS OVER AT 10:00 IN THE EVENING.

I HAD WON, IT WAS 97, 98%.

ALL OF THE BOOKIES ALL OVER THE WORLD WERE SAYING THE ELECTION'S

OVER.

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE BETS ON IT.

SNOWOH, YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S THE BOOKIES WHO PICKED THE

PRESIDENT.

THAT'S WHY IN 1932, HERBERT HOOVER SUFFERED A CRUSHING

DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF PRESIDENT SEABISCUIT.

THE PRESIDENT WASN'T ALONE IN HIS FAILED WAR AGAINST

DEMOCRACY, BECAUSE A LEGAL BRIEF SUPPORTING TEXAS' TERRIBLE AND

STUPID AND WRONG AND DUMB LAWSUIT WAS SIGNED BY 126 HOUSE

REPUBLICANS.

TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF YOU PUT ALL 126 OF THOSE

CONGRESSMEN ON ONE RAFT GOING OVER NIAGARA FALLS, I'D WATCH.

FOLLOWING THE SCOTUS DECISION, MOST OF THESE GUYS STAYED

SILENT, BUT LOUISIANA REPRESENTATIVE MIKE JOHNSON

TWEETED THIS QUOTE BY JOHN QUINCY ADAMS:

"DUTY IS OURS, RESULTS ARE GOD'S."

OKAY, BUT I ANOTHER FAMOUS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS QUOTE:

"YOU LOST, MIKE JOHNSON!

SUCK MY SIDEBURNS!" SO, WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THESE

ANTIDEMOCRATIC CULT MEMBERS?

WELL, THERE'S AN INTERESTING IDEA PUT FORTH BY NEW JERSEY

CONGRESSMAN BILL PASCRELL, SEEN HERE STAYING PERFECTLY STILL

UNTIL HE REMEMBERS WHY HE CAME INTO THE KITCHEN.

PASCRELL SENT A LETTER TO SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IN WHICH HE

POINTS OUT THAT THE 126 CONGRESSMAN HAVE VIOLATED A

CLAUSE IN THE 14TH AMENDMENT BARRING REBELLION AGAINST THE

CONSTITUTION, ADDING, "STATED SIMPLY, MEN AND WOMEN WHO WOULD

ACT TO TEAR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT APART CANNOT SERVE AS

MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESS."

THAT SEEMS LIKE THE BARE MINIMUM FOR GOVERNMENT SERVICE.

TO BE ELECTED, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN OUR ELECTIONS.

SAME WAY IN ORDER TO WORK AT ARBYS, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE

IT'S MEAT.

BUT BANNING 126 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS MAY BE TOO MUCH.

SO I HAVE MY OWN MORE LIMITED SUGGESTION FOR THE SPEAKER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BAR 126 REPUBLICANS, BUT 18 OF THEM COME

FROM THOSE FOUR STATES WHOSE ELECTIONS THEY CLAIMED WERE

FRAUDULENT.

WHICH IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.

IT'S LIKE BEING AT THE ALTAR.

SHE SAYS, "I DO," AND YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?

WHY?" SO, I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT

THESE 18 EITHER RECOGNIZE THE ELECTION AS VALID OR BE

CONSISTENT AND SAY THAT THEIR WINS WERE FRAUDULENT.

PUT IT TO A FLOOR VOTE ON DAY ONE.

"RESOLVED: THE ELECTIONS IN PENNSYLVANIA, MICHIGAN, GEORGIA,

AND WISCONSIN WERE FREE AND FAIR.

THEREFORE, WE WILL SEAT OUR 18 COLLEAGUES."

THAT WAY, THE G.O.P. EITHER HAS TO VOTE THAT BIDEN WON FAIRLY,

OR VOTE THAT THESE 18 IDIOTS LOSE THEIR JOBS.

EITHER WAY, IT'S A WIN-WIN.

IN THE END, EVEN HAVING A SPINELESS LACKEY HEADING THE

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH TO LET THIS PRESIDENT

STEAL THE ELECTION.

BECAUSE MOMENTS AFTER BIDEN CLINCHED THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,

THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR

RESIGNED.

IT'S A FITTING END TO MR TOADIE'S WILD LIES.

IN A BID FOR ATTENTION, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, "BILL WILL BE

LEAVING JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH HIS

FAMILY."

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED "VACATION" SO YOU DIDN'T

HAVE TO QUIT YOUR JOB IN THE ADMINISTRATION TO SEE YOUR

FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS.

HOPEFULLY, BARR WILL LEAVE OFFICE BY BEING SEIZED BY

ANONYMOUS FEDERAL AGENTS AND BEING STUFFED INTO AN UNMARKED

VAN.

THIS DOESN'T COME AS A HUGE SURPRISE.

SOURCES SAY THE PRESIDENT WAS FRUSTRATED WITH BARR OVER HIS

RECENT COMMENTS THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD FOUND NO EVIDENCE

OF WIDESPREAD ELECTION FRAUD.

SO, BARR HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO DO WHAT THE PRESIDENT

WANTED.

A REWARD USUALLY RESERVED FOR HIS WIVES.

I HATE TO TELL YOU, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU CAN'T MAKE AN

ENTIRE CABINET LEVEL AGENCY DO YOUR BIDDING.

IT'S THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, NOT JUST-YOU.

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING IF BILL BARR WOULD DISTANCE HIMSELF

FROM THE ADMINISTRATION, HIS RESIGNATION LETTER MAKES IT

CLEAR HE WON'T.

HE WRITES, "YOUR RECORD IS ALL THE MORE HISTORIC BECAUSE YOU

ACCOMPLISHED IT IN THE FACE OF RELENTLESS, IMPLACABLE

RESISTANCE.

FEW COULD HAVE WEATHERED THESE ATTACKS, MUCH LESS FORGE AHEAD

WITH A POSITIVE PROGRAM FOR THE COUNTRY.

YOU BUILT THE STRONGEST AND MOST RESILIENT ECONOMY IN AMERICAN

HISTORY."

ADDING "YOUR ASS IS THE SOFTEST AND SUPPLEST HEINIE MY LIPS HAVE

EVER SMOOCHED.

IT HAS A VELVETY RICHNESS WITH FAINT NOTES OF JACKBOOT AND

PEPPERMINT."

OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T THE ONLY SCOURGE THAT'LL

HOPEFULLY BE GONE SOON.

THERE'S ALSO COVID, AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S

EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

>> SURF'S UP, DUDE.

OH, NO!

I'M AFRAID OF NEEDLES!

AAH!

>> Stephen: HE'S GOT A NEEDLE AND TEETH.

WE'VE SPENT NINE MONTHS IN HIDING FROM A VIRUS

THAT CONTINUES TO DEVASTATE OUR COMMUNITIES, BUT FRIDAY NIGHT,

WE FINALLY GOT THE NEWS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR: THE F.D.A.

ANNOUNCED AN EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION FOR THE FIRST

COVID-19 VACCINE.

AND, THIS MORNING, THE FIRST AMERICAN WAS VACCINATED: SANDRA

LINDSAY, A CRITICAL CARE NURSE IN QUEENS, WHICH WAS THE

EPICENTER OF THE PANDEMIC IN THE SPRING.

[ APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: THAT FEELS REALLY

GOOD TO SEE.

I MEAN, THAT IS MOVING.

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITED I'VE BEEN TO WATCH SOMEONE ELSE'S

DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT SINCE EVEL KNIEVEL GOT A ROUTINE

PHYSICAL OVER SNAKE RIVER CANYON.

NURSE LINDSAY HAD AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR AMERICANS.

>> I FEEL LIKE HEALING IS COMING.

I WANT TO INSTILL PUBLIC CONFIDENCE THAT THE VACCINE IS

SAFE.

WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC, AND SO WE ALL NEED TO DO OUR PART TO PUT

AN END TO THE PANDEMIC AND TO NOT GIVE UP SO SOON.

>> STEPHEN: ABSOLUTELY.

UNTIL THIS IS OVER FOR GOOD, WE CAN'T GIVE UP ON MASK WEARING

AND SOCIAL DISTANCING.

EVERYTHING ELSE, I'VE ALREADY GIVEN UP ON: EATING AT A TABLE,

WORKING AT A TABLE, WEARING PANTS BELOW THE TABLE.

PLUS, THEY UNVEILED THE BRAND NEW POST-SHOT STICKER: "CRUSHING

COVID-19, GOT MY VACCINE."

A MUCH BETTER RHYME THAN 1885'S "IMMUNE FROM CHOLERA, NOW BACK

TO A LIFE OF SQUALOR-A."

BEFORE YOU GET YOUR JAB, THERE ARE SOME GUIDELINES.

SPECIFICALLY, THE VACCINE IS ONLY RECOMMENDED FOR PEOPLE 16

AND OVER.

SO WHEN YOU TURN 16, YOU GET TO DRIVE AND YOU GET COVID

IMMUNITY.

IT'S SUCH A RITE OF PASSAGE, I LOOK FORWARD TO MTV'S "MY SUPER

SWEET VACCINE."

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS HERE!

CHANCE THE RAPPER IS HERE!

MELANIA TRUMP IS HERE!