Welcome to a late show.

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, Folks.

It has been nine long months since the lock down began, but there appears to be hope on the horizon to the east, across the pond.

I'll tell you all about it in my could be ending someday.

Segment.

Catch a third wave.

Endless bummer.

Hello, it's me, but it's lemony Fresh way.

Let him say his lines.

We get him the hell out of here faster.

This morning, in a scientific triumph, Britain became the first Western country to inoculate people against the coronavirus.

Of course, it being Britain, they give you a shot in the other arm, which they call a lorry on its administered with a spoonful of sugar.

The British vaccine or Brit, seen as no.

One is calling it, is being offered on the basis of age groups, starting with the oldest people.

Well, of course, Britain's most important citizens are all old, the Queen dumbbell door.

Even that one doctor who has been on TV for over 50 years Who is that?

Ho ho now, Conspirator.

Sad.

Uh, it is lemony conspiracy theorists who might I remind you are stupid.

Believe that the vaccine is a cover for a plan to implant trackable microchips and that Microsoft co founder Bill Gates is behind it.

So congratulations to Bill Gates on your new Army of elderly Brits.

If you suspect your grandma has been shipped by Microsoft, there's one way to know for sure when she goes to sleep.

Does this happen?

Here's the thing about this stupid, stupid conspiracy theory.

Why would Bill Gates want to put a tracking chip in me?

It's not necessary.

I already carry a tracking device everywhere we go and it's this.

Even if they inject a tracking chip in my arm, I'm more likely to chop it off, then go anywhere without my phone, especially if it's the bathroom and it's gonna be a long E.

The first person can you say Long and CBS?

The first person to get the vaccine in the U.

K.

Was 90 year old Margaret Keenan.

Here she is getting shot.

Okay, Yeah, E se.

Well done, I say, judging from the light smattering of applause, either that woman just got a lifesaving inoculation or hit a pretty good drive at Pebble Beach.

The second person to get the vaccine in Britain was a man named and this Israel William Shakespeare, William Shakespeare that they can't be a mistake, that they had to have done that for PR because that's the most English name a person could possibly have Next.

Thio, Lady Margaret, Cadbury Egg Thatcher, Buckingham, Paddington Shire on Avon.

But now that Britain has the vaccine, Americans are asking the American questions like Give it to me.

Well, it might be a while before we can get given it.

Because the new vaccine in the U.

K.

Is from Pfizer, it's safe and 95% effective so naturally.

Earlier this year, the White House passed on the chance to secure Mawr of the Pfizer vaccine.

Its leadership like that that will ensure the president will continue to lose the election.

Here's what happened While the vaccine was being developed, the administration made a deal with Pfizer to buy 100 million doses.

Then Pfizer offered the administration the chance toe lock in supplies beyond that 100 million.

But the administration never made the deal.

It's all laid out in the new book, The art of Why didn't You Make the Damn deal?

The story is embarrassing for the White House today, the president scheduled a vaccine summit, but the two leading companies, Madonna and Pfizer, didn't attend.

But I'm sure we heard from the my vaccine guy at the some of the president bragged that his warp speed program sped up the vaccine in insane ways before Operation Warp speed.

The typical time frame for development.

That approval, as you know, could be infinity.

Yes, infinity, just like your case for election fraud is the square root of a negative number.

Imaginary slam Anoma tree.

Then the president moved on to the main purpose of the event, signing an executive order proclaiming that other nations will not get the U.

S supplies of its vaccine until Americans have been inoculated.

But the executive order by itself appears to have no real teeth, and it's signed by a man with no real hair or brain.

The president insisted that soon we will see a change in the infection rates.

When America is faced with a challenge, we come through and we always come through to overcome every hardship and surmount every obstacle.

And I think you'll be seeing that over the next few months.

Uh, the numbers should skyrocket downward.

Yes, that classic symbol of success, a rocket in the sky plummeting toward the ground.

It's like they say, Shoot for the moon.

If you miss, you will die alone in a frozen metal tube.

President took a few questions, and one reporter wondered why the White House was playing by different rules than the rest of the country.

Officials here in this room have encouraged Americans not to travel this holiday season.

Not good.

A large gathering across the street.

You've been holding holiday parties with hundreds of people, many not wearing masks.

Why are you modeling a different behavior to the American people than what you're trying to tell?

Well, their Christmas parties.

What kind of parties it is doesn't matter unless you put so much rum and your eggnog that it's antiseptic and forget hospitals and nursing homes.

The place that needs the vaccine first is the White House, because yet another member off the president's legal team just tested positive for co vid attorney and woman, demanding the Chipotle guy to pick the cilantro out of the rice Jenna Ellis.

Now there's no way to know exactly where Ellis was exposed to a noxious cloud of pathogens, but it was definitely this.

The answer that I gave you is they didn't bother to interview a single witness.

Okay, that's two reasons to wear a mask around roadie.

Of course, it wouldn't be a hot White House co vid diagnosis if it didn't endanger others, because on Friday Ellis attended a Senior Staff Christmas party and was not seen wearing a mask.

Well, at least she brought something for the secret Santa, although this is the White House, so that's a re gift.

Just because all the lawyers are sick doesn't mean the campaign has stopped losing.

I'll tell you the blow by blow of how much they blow in tonight's deck.

The halls with failing lawsuit.

Last I won, I won the road from the White House.

Despite losing 51 post election lawsuits, the president was still holding out hope for the Supreme Court.

At his vaccine summit today, he said this.

Now let's see whether or not somebody has the courage, whether it's a legislator or legislatures, or whether it's a justice of the Supreme Court or a number of justices of the Supreme Court.

Let's see if they have the courage to do what everybody in this country knows is right.

You mean drag you out of the White House by your ankles?

Where do we sign up?

But just like each of his wives, the president has been repeatedly disappointed because just a few hours ago the Supreme Court rejected a case from Pennsylvania Republicans delivering a near fatal blow to the GOP s long shot bid to invalidate President elect Joe Biden's victory.

Wow, even Trump's hand pick, Supreme Court justices didn't want to hear this nonsense.

Brett Kavanaugh.

Do you have any coping mechanisms that might help the Republicans deal with this near fatal blow?

I like beer.

Okay, good.

It's hard to explain the crazy argument they tried in this case, but here goes.

Earlier this year, Pennsylvania's Republican controlled Legislature changed the laws there to allow universal mail in ballots.

But now that they saw that Joe Biden won, Republicans were saying that the Republican legislature never had the power to do that.

The solution they were asking for the court should invalidate all votes cast by mail in the general election, more than 2.5 million in total.

So toss out all the votes after you know what the results are.

That's like going to Vegas not betting until you see your cards, then burning down the casino now.

There wasn't much to the court ruling.

Just a short statement.

The read The application for injunctive relief presented to Justice Alito and by him referred to the court is denied.

Whoa!

Justice Samuel Alito, Mr Citizens.

United himself rejected the case.

All my guess, it makes sense if you start taking constitutional rights away from citizens.

What's next?

Taking constitutional rights away from corporations?

Giovanni needs that gun license.

Another state where the president lost his fight against democracy is Arizona, which certified Joe Biden's victory over a week ago.

But last night, the Arizona Republican Party retweeted a pro trump account that said, I am willing to give my life for this fight, adding, In their retweet, he is.

Are you Arizonans?

The GOP is asking you to give your life to stop a fraud and a stealing oven election, despite the fact that their own lawyers in Arizona court said, we're not alleging fraud, we're not alleging anyone is stealing the election, so don't do it.

They're only two good reasons to die in Arizona Grand Canyon selfie and choking on a turquoise belt buckle.

I don't know how I got in your mouth, but I understand elsewhere.

Desperate attempts to steal the election or happening deep in the heart of Texas, Led by Texas Attorney General and Tin Tin going to divorce court Ken Paxton Paxton filed a Supreme Court lawsuit against states Biden won, and his argument is as simple as it is stupid.

Texas argued that electors from Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin should not be allowed to cast their votes because they changed their voting procedures during the coronavirus pandemic to allow for increased mail in ballots.

In other words, these states votes shouldn't count because these states let people vote.

Everyone should have to vote the way they do in Texas.

If you could stay on the bull for eight seconds, you get to fire a rifle a tin can, displaying your candidate of choice Winner gets a Confederate sheet cake.

It's a flag.

It's a flag.

On a more disturbing note, you laugh harder when I up than when I get it right.

That's not that is not instill confidence on a disturbing note.

Yesterday we learned that the president has called the speaker of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives twice during the past week, and that's for help reversing his loss in the state.

Come on, man.

At a certain point you have to understand that it is over.

There's a reason you don't see has stones that say, I'd like a second opinion.

It's horrifying.

But at this point, no one should be surprised because the call makes Pennsylvania the third state where the president has directly attempted to overturn the result.

Say what you will, but at least the president called It's so much more personal than destroying democracy by text You up.

Four Fascism.

We've got a great show for you tonight, my guest.

So the host of the slate political gabfest John Dickerson, Emily Bazelon and David plots.