OUR "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE"

EXTRAVAGANZ-ERT.

I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING ALONG AT HOME TO FIND OUT IF

YOU'RE MORE OF A TOM HANKS OR A MERYLL STREEP.

AND IF IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE EITHER ONE OF THEM, COME

BACK ON MY SHOW!

I'M A HUGE FAN.

NEXT UP: THE ONE, AND PRESUMABLY ONLY, GEORGE CLOONEY.

GEORGE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, ALWAYS A PLEASURE,

SECOND TIME I'VE HAD YOU IN SIX YEARS.

THE PACE IS REALLY PICKING UP.

I RARELY GET TO TALK WITH YOU.

AND IN TV INTERVIEWS, IT'S SOMETIMES HARD TO GET TO THE

CORE OF A GUEST IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.

BUT, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S MY JOB.

SO WHAT WE'VE DEVISED HERE AT THE SHOW IS A WAY TO GET THE

ESSENCE OF A GUEST IN JUST 15 QUESTIONS.

IT'S CALLED THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE."

GEORGE CLOONEY, ARE YOU READY TO SIT FOR THE QUESTIONNAIRE?

>> I AM, STEPHEN.

I'M READY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WE GO.

NUMBER ONE, GEORGE CLOONEY WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?

>> I LIKE A HAM SANDWICH.

>> Stephen: JUST-- JUST HAM?

YOU DON'T WANT-- >> OH, YOU MEAN THE WHOLE THING.

HAM, LETTUCE, TOMATO, A LITTLE MUSTARD ON IT, A LITTLE TOASTED.

MAYBE A POTATO BREAD.

>> Stephen: VERY SIMILAR ANSWER TO MR. HANKS.

OKAY, WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW

OUT?

>> UHM...

MY FLOWBEE, APPARENTLY.

I SHOULD THROW IT OUT.

>> Stephen: WUF BEEN DOING YOUR OWN LANDSCAPING?

>> FOR A WHILE NOW.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL, GEORGE?

>> SCARIEST ANIMAL.

IN THE SAFARI WORLD, WHICH I DID FINALLY GO ON ONE OF THESE?

THE HIPPO.

NOBODY-- THE HIPPO IS THE ONE THAT WILL GET YOU.

>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

>> THE HIPPO.

>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES, GEORGE?

>> OH, APPLES.

>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A

SLICE OF APPLE.

>> YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH AN APPLE.

YOU CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF AN APPLE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

YOU KNOW-- >> TELL THAT TO YOUR KIDS.

>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S WAY TOO LATE.

OKAY, HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?

>> YES.

MANY PEOPLE.

I WAS-- GREW UP IN CINCINNATI.

I WAS A HUGE CINCINNATI REDS BASEBALL FAN.

I HAVE JOHNNY BENCH'S SIGNATURE.

I HAVE JOE MORGAN'S SIGNATURE.

I HAVE PETE ROSE'S SIGNATURE ON BASEBALL.

>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, GEORGE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS ALWAYS, FOR ME, NOT A PARTICULARLY RELIGIOUS GUY.

I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC, AS UPPER.

AND I-- I EVENTUALLY SORT OF MOVED AWAY FROM THAT FOR ME.

NOT QUESTIONING OTHER PEOPLE'S RELIGION, JUST QUESTIONIN MY

OWN SORT OF BELIEFS.

BUT AS I GET OLDER, I START RENEGOTIATING THINGS A LITTLE

BIT.

AND I... AND YOU START THINKING, WELL, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING.

( LAUGHS ) MAYBE THERE'S A-- MAYBE THERE'S

A BAR SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN JUST HANG.

>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.

>> I'M RENEGOTIATING AS A AGE.

>> Stephen: ANOTHER GOOD.

FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.

>> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME THINK QUICKLY, WHAT'S ONE I JUST ABSOLUTELY

LOVE.

I STILL DIG "DIEHARD AM SM BRUCE WILLIS WAS SO GREAT IN THAT

SERIES, THE FIRST ONE IN PARTICULAR.

>> Stephen: SIDE QUESTION, NOT ON THE CARD, IS "DIE HARD" A

CHRISTMAS MOVIE?

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

IT IS NOT.

>> Stephen: WOW, YOU REALIZE THAT IS A CONTROVERSIAL ANSWER.

>> I KNOW.

BUT IT ISN'T.

>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN ESTABLISHED IN THE CANON OF

CHRISTMAS MOVIES, "DIE HARD."

IF YOU GO TO NETFLIX AND SEARCH "CHRISTMAS MOVIES" I ( BLEEP )

NOT, "DIE HARD" WILL BE ONE OF THE ANSWERS.

>> CHRISTMAS MOVIES ARE FOR THE FAMILY TO GATHER AROUND AND

CELEBRATE BEING TOGETHER AND CELEBRATE LIFE AND, YOU KNOW,

AND LOVE.

"DIE HARD" SAY SPECTACULAR FILM, AS I JUST PICKED IT AS MY ACTION

FILM.

BUT "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" IS YOUR CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO SIT AROUND WITH

THE WHOLE FAMILY WITH THE KIDS AND GRANDMA AND WATCH HANS

GRUBER FALL OFF OF NOKATOMI PLAZA?

>> I'LL TEA YOU WHY.

AND THIS IS AN IMPORTANT THING.

GRANDMA IS DEAD.

>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE DIFFICULT.

>> MAYBE THAT'S THE AFTERLIFE.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?

>> UHM...

I SUPPOSE WE HAVE-- WHAT'S IT CALLED?

WE HAVE A FLOWER HERE.

LAVENDER.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> LAVENDER IS MY FAVORITE SMELL.

WE HAVE LAVENDER ALL AROUND THE HOUSE.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

>> Stephen: SUPPOSE TO BE VERY RELAXING.

LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?

>> OLD LAVENDER, WHICH WAS THE NAME OF MY FIRST DOG.

LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL.

WELL, LOOK, I WILL BE VERY STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

MY CHILDREN STILL WEAR NAPPIES SOME, NOT ALL THE TIME, NOT

DURING THE DAY -- >> Stephen: IN AMERICA, WE

CALL THEM DIAPERS.

IN ENGLAND THEY'RE NAPPIES.

YOU NEED TO BE CONSISTENT, GEORGE.

>> I'M IN ENGLAND RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, WHEN IN ROME.

AND I WILL TELL YOU, ONCE THEY GOT ON TO SOLID FOOD, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT HAPPENS FROM HERE TO HERE, BUT SOMETHING-- I MEAN, IT

WAS SHOCKING, THAT SMELL, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT SMELL.

EXERCISE.

WORTH IT?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

I DO TEFER DAY.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

FLAT OR SPARKLING?

>> SPARKLING.

I LIKE A LITTLE LIFT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

THAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER.

MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.

>> MOST OF THE-USED-- IN L.A., WAZE TO GET AROUND.

>> Stephen: GOOD, OKAY.

YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT

IS IT?

>> UHM, "ALWAYS."

♪ I'LL BE LOVING YOU ALWAYS ♪ WITH A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ALWAYS

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG.

IT'S MY MOM AND DAD'S LOVE SONG.

>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?

>> SEVEN.

>> Stephen: NO.

DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.

>> CLEANING UP AFTER MY KIDS.

>> Stephen: GEORGE CLOONEY, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, GEORGE.

YOU ARE NOW KNOWN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

>> THANK YOU FOR THAT.

THANKS AGAIN, GEORGE!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY THE MOUNTAIN

GOATS.