EVERYBODY.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

JON, HOW ARE YOU?

>> Jon: MAN, YOU KNOW, I'M PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT

SURPRISED.

>> Stephen: NO, SAME HERE.

DEEPLY SADDENED.

DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY.

>> Jon: IT'S -- IT'S SOMETHING THAT I HOPE DOESN'T OVERSHADOW

WHAT HAPPENED IN GEORGIA.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE WERE GOING TO SPEND MOST OF LAST

NIGHT TALKING ABOUT THE HISTORIC, A, FLIP OF THE STATE

TOTALLY AND THE FACT THAT RAPHAEL WARNOCK IS THE FIRST

AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO REPRESENT GEORGIA EVER IN THE SENATE.

( APPLAUSE ) IN THE SENATE.

>> Jon: YES, RIGHT.

>> Stephen: THE PASTOR OF EBENEZER BAPTIST CHURCH!

>> Jon: YES, THIS IS MONUMENTAL.

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE OVERSHADOWED OR OVERLOOKED IN

ANY WAY.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL IS SO DISHEARTENING, I JUST WANT

TO KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF PRIVILEGE FEELS LIKE, THE

AUDACITY TO NOT EVEN HIDE YOURSELF.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY IN D.C., FROM A BIG

FAMILY, A LOT OF THEM IN D.C., AND A COUPLE WERE DOWN IN D.C.

TODAY AND THEY SENT ME BACK A PHOTOGRAPH RIGHT AT DUSK OF THE

CAPITOL BUILDING, ALL LIT UP IN THE BACKGROUND.

>> Jon: WHOO!

MAN...

>> Stephen: ALWAYS MOVING.

ON ANY DAY YOU COME AROUND A CORNER IN D.C. TORE THE TRAIN

STATION AND SEE THE CAPITOL BUILDING, IT'S VEG MOTTO SEE.

WHOEVER'S IN GOVERNMENT OR IN POWER, THAT SIGHT IS INCREDIBLY

MOVING TO SEE.

BUT THEY SENT ME A LITTLE NOTE TO SAY WE'RE DOWN HERE, JUST

WANT TO SEE IF SHE'S OKAY.

SHE'S DOING ALL RIGHT.

AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL RIGHT.

BUT WE'VE GOT TO KEEP THAT LOVE IN OUR HEART FOR OUR SHARED

VALUES, OUR SHARED LOVE OF FREEDOM, AND OUR SHARED ABILITY

TO SETTLE OUR GRIEVOUS BY DISAGREEING AT THE BALLOT BOX,

NOT WITH BULLETS.

>> Jon: WHO GETS THE MOST VOTES WINS, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

WE CAN FIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST VOTE, BUT AFTER THAT WE MOVE

FORWARD TOGETHER.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC FOR THE MOMENT?

>> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, GEORGIA WAS SWINGIN'.

IT DON'T MEAN A THING.

♪♪♪ ♪ IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT SWING ♪

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHERE MY MIND IS AT.

♪♪♪ YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

>> Jon: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, JON.

>> Stephen: YES, INDEED.

LATER ON.

LATER ON.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME

CAREFULLY SOLDERING THE MOST TOPICAL SUPER-CONDUCTIVE CIRCUIT

BOARDS, CRAFTING THE NEWSIEST LIGHTWEIGHT CARBON FIBER LIMBS

STUDYING HUMAN MOVEMENT PATTERNS, AND BALANCING

PRECISION INTERNAL GYROSCOPES TO CREATE THE CUTTING-EDGE

STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSTON DYNAMICS ROBOT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SNORT SOME BATH SALTS, BREAK IN TO AN

ABANDONED TOYS-R-US, DIG THROUGH THE BIN OF DEFECTIVE REJECTS,

AND GLUE SOME BUSTED PARTS TOGETHER TO CREATE THE DEMENTED

FRANKEN-FURBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

"QUARANTINEWHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A HARVARD

PROFESSOR HAS CLAIMED IN HIS NEW BOOK THAT ALIEN DEBRIS PASSED

NEAR EARTH IN 2017," AND THAT THE OBJECT ACTUALLY "COULD HAVE

BEEN ALIEN SPACE JUNK."

I DON'T KNOW.

ALIEN GARBAGE SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

WHOA!

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GARBAGE, BUT THAT DEFINITELY APPEARS TO

BE SOMEONE'S JUNK.

PLEASE, HAVE YOUR ALIEN SPAYED OR NEUTERED.

NOT COOL, ALIENS.

THAT IS A STRAIGHT-UP INTERSTELLAR PENIS PIC.

WE'RE NOT YOUR GALACTIC BOOTY CALL, OKAY?

REMINDS ME OF THAT SCENE IN "ARRIVAL."

( GROWLING ) ( HEAVY BREATHING )

>> STEPHEN: THE HARVARD PROFESSOR, AVI LOEB, HERE,

ADDED-- AND AGAIN, HE IS A HARVARD PROFESSOR-- "WE'RE

PROBABLY NOT ALONE, AND MOREOVER WE'RE PROBABLY NOT THE SHARPEST

COOKIE IN THE JAR."

SO EITHER THIS GUY SHARPENS HIS COOKIES, OR HE IS NOT

THE BRIGHTEST BULB SHORT OF A SIX-PACK.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW BURP-CATCHING MASK FOR COWS

COULD SLOW DOWN CLIMATE CHANGE.

AND AS SOMEONE WHOSE MASK HAS BEEN CATCHING MY BURPS ALL YEAR,

LET ME SAY TO THE COWS IN ADVANCE-- I'M SO SORRY.

THE MASKS ARE DESIGNED TO REDUCE METHANE, A POWERFUL GREENHOUSE

GAS EMITTED BY LIVESTOCK.

AND SCIENTISTS SAY THE MASK HAS NO IMPACT ON THE ANIMAL'S

BEHAVIOR AND FEEDING.

YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE THAT SHINY BLACK LEATHER HAS A REAL S&M FLAVOR.

MAKE SURE BESSIE HAS A SAFE WORD.

(WHISPERED) PUMPKIN PATCH.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CELEBRITY COUPLE NEWS, KIM KARDASHIAN AND

KANYE WEST ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

NO, NOT KIM-YAY KAR-WEST-IAN!

KIM-YE-STIAN KARD-WASHYE?

THEY HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON!

FAME.

AND...

LOUIS VUITTON SUBMARINES, I THINK?

IT WAS A CLASSIC STORY: BOY MEETS GIRL, GIRL BREAKS INTERNET

WITH CHAMPAGNE GLASS ON HER BUTT, BOY GETS IN YEARS-LONG

FEUD WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, GIRL STUDIES FOR THE BAR EXAM, BOY

RUNS FOR PRESIDENT AND GIVES GIRL A HOLOGRAM OF HER DEAD

FATHER AT HER PRIVATE ISLAND BIRTHDAY PARTY DURING A

PANDEMIC...

IT'S A TALE AS OLD AS TIME.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE 2021 GRAMMYS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED OVER

COVID-19 CONCERNS.

MEANING THERE'S STILL TIME FOR THEM TO NOMINATE MY SPOKEN WORD

ALBUM, "ELEVENTY-ONE LIMERICKS ABOUT HOBBIT BIRTHDAYS."

"THERE ONCE WAS A PARTY FOR BILBO.

HE HAD ENOUGH CAKE FOR HIS FILL, THOUGH.

SO HE PUT ON HIS RING, AND HAD A HOT, PRIVATE FLING

WITH A 13-INCH-LONG PLASTIC"-- A AND I'M BEING TOLD WE CAN'T

FINISH THIS POEM ON CBS.

DON'T SNUB ME AGAIN, ACADEMY.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN THE COMPLEX WORLD OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS,

DENMARK HAS LAUNCHED A CHILDREN'S TV SHOW ABOUT A MAN

WITH GIANT PENIS.

WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS.

GOOD GOD, I FOUND WALDO!

AND I REALLY WISH I HADN'T.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE INAPPROPRIATE FOR KIDS TO SEE,

THAT THIS GUY HAS A PREHENSILE PEEN OR THAT HE'S USING IT TO

DUMP LIGHTER FLUID ON A BARBECUE.

BUDDY, YOU'RE GOING TO GRILL YOUR WIENER!

ALSO, GOT TO SAY, THAT ONESIE MUST TAKE FOREVER TO PUT ON.

THE CHARACTER'S PENIS IS SO LONG AND VERSATILE THAT IT CAN

PERFORM RESCUE OPERATIONS, ETCH MURALS, HOIST A FLAG AND EVEN

STEAL ICE-CREAM FROM CHILDREN.

I'M GUESSING THAT'S A SHORT EPISODE: "HEY, GIVE MY KIDS BACK

THEIR ICE CR-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S ALL YOURS."

THAT'S GOOD.

JIMMY, RUN.

THE SHOW IS GETTING A LOT OF CRITICISM, BUT ONE PSYCHOLOGIST

THINKS THE CONCERN IS UNNECESSARY, SAYING, THE

CHARACTER "JOHN DILLERMAND TALKS TO CHILDREN AND SHARES THEIR WAY

OF THINKING-- AND KIDS DO FIND GENITALS FUNNY."

JUST BECAUSE KIDS THINK SOMETHING'S FUNNY DOESN'T

MEAN IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR TV.

OTHERWISE, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL KIDS' SHOW WOULD'VE BEEN "MR.

ROGERS GETS WRACKED IN THE SACK."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JEFF BEZOS JUST NAMED A HUGE ROCKET

RECOVERY SHIP AFTER HIS MOM," JACLYN.

GREAT FOR JEFF BEZOS.

SUCKS IF YOU'RE HIS BROTHER, MARK BEZOS.

(AS MOM) "THANK YOU FOR PUTTING MY NAME

ON YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP BOAT, JEFFREY.

AND WHAT DID YOU GET ME, MARK?

OOH, YANKEE CANDLE?

THAT'S...

GOOD."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE ONE OF MILLIONS OF AMERICANS

FIGHTING TO STAVE OFF FINANCIAL RUIN, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS:

"WITH A NET WORTH OF MORE THAN $185 BILLION, ELON MUSK IS NOW

THE RICHEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, PASSING JEFF BEZOS."

NEAT!

HE CAN PUT HIS MOM'S NAME ON HIS ROCKETS!

THEN, JEFF'S MOM'S ROCKET-CATCHING BOAT CAN CATCH

THEM WHILE ALSO CATCHING JEFF'S ROCKETS AND THEY CAN HAVE A

BILLIONAIRE SPACE-ROCKET BOAT-CATCHING PARTY, AND THIS

COUNTRY IS SO SCREWED.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, JAPAN IS SEEKING TO BOOST ITS BIRTHRATE

BY FUNDING THE USE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TO HELP MATCH

LONELY HEARTS.

THAT'LL BE FUN TO TELL THE KIDS.

"DAD, WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH MOM?"

"WELL, SON, I KNEW WHEN THE GOVERNMENT ROBOT SAID SO."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL BROSNAHAN.

♪♪♪