EVERYBODY.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR HAPPY FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.

JON, YOU LOOK VERY, VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

( SCATTING ) ♪ T IN THIS WORLD WITH A LOT OF

PROBLEMMED ♪ OH, MY GOODNESS, I'VE GOT A SONG

IN HIGH HEART RIGHT NOW.

I'VE GOT A SONG IN MY HEART.

>> Stephen: I WAS REALLY MOVED.

I WAS REALLY MOVED TO SEE THE BIDENS LAND AT ANDREWS.

LIKE, IT'S REAL, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, MAN YOU.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE WE PUT IN THE

WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: AND IF WE KEEP PUTTING IN THE WORK, IT WILL CONTINUE TO

GET BETTER.

AD THAT'S WHAT I'M BELIEVING.

I'M STANDING ON THAT.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE?

THE MEMORIAL CEREMONY THAT HE AND FUTURE FIRST LADY HELD TODAY

AT THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL TODAY FOR THOSE

WHO WERE LOST TO COVID.

IT'S A SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL GESTURE THAT IS THE FIRST STAGE OF THE

NATION HEALING.

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

TO SHOW ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WRENCHANCE TOWARDS EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAPPENED AND NOT JUST SKIP OVER IT.

I THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF HEALING TO DO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST

IMPORTANT STEP AFTER WHAT WE HAD IN 2021.

>> Stephen: JON CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE OF THAT HAPPY

FEEL AS WE GO ON ♪ IN THIS WORLD

WITH A LOT OF PROBLEMS ♪ ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE LOVING

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR YOUR LOVE, MR. COLBERT

OH, YEAH ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, JON.

( LAUGHING ) FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF

MY TIME WITH A SNIFTER OF FINE ARMAGNAC AT MY ELBOW, LAYING OUT

THE NEWSIEST, MOST COMPELLING PLOTS, CONSTRUCTING THE MOST

TOPICAL CHARACTERS, AND COMPOSING THE TIMELIEST LYRICAL

METAPHORS TO BRING YOU THE PULITZER-WORTHY MAGNUM OPUS OF A

NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO POUND A RACK OF BOOTLEG FOUR

LOKO, DEFACE A BUNCH OF CUTOUTS FROM FASHIONS MAGS WITH A

SHARPIE AND SLAP 'EM TOGETHER WITH GLUE STICKS, THEN HIJACK MY

BROTHER-IN-LAW'S OFFICE PRINTER AND RUN DOWN THE TONER, CRANKING

OUT THE DERANGED, UNDERGROUND 'ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY

SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE.

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

WITH YOUR LOVED ONE ON VALENTINES, THERE'S SOME GREAT

NEWS: "WHITE CASTLE IS TRANSFORMING

RESTAURANTS INTO DRIVE-INS FOR THE NIGHT," COMPLETE WITH

"CARHOP SERVICE."

THE WAY YOU CELEBRATE VALENTINES SENDS A MESSAGE.

AND WHITE CASTLE IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "OUR LOVE IS

GRATIFYING IN THE SHORT TERM, BUT I WILL LOSE INTEREST AS SOON

AS I AM NO LONGER HIGH."

IT'S A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM, AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON,

"WHITE CASTLE WILL BECOME LOVE CASTLE," BECAUSE THE ONLY THING

THAT GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER THAN A MEAL AT WHITE CASTLE IS

TO BE TRAPPED IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A MEAL AT

WHITE CASTLE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "OSCAR MEYER IS SEEKING NEW DRIVERS FOR ITS

FAMOUS WEINERMOBILE."

THEY ARE LOOKING FOR RECENT COLLEGE GRADUATES TO TAKE ON THE

ONE-YEAR PAID JOB CRISSCROSSING THE COUNTRY IN THE ICONIC

27-FOOT-LONG HOT-DOG-SHAPED VEHICLE.

BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD, FOR WORKING YOUR

ENTIRE LIVES SO THAT I COULD GET A B.F.A. IN MUSICAL THEATRE,"

QUITE LIKE SPENDING A YEAR DRIVING A BEEF STICK LIMOUSINE.■

THE GIG PROMISES ALL SORTS OF ADVENTURE.

IN FACT, ONE OF LAST YEAR'S DRIVERS "EVEN PROPOSED TO HIS

GIRLFRIEND WHILE ON THE ROAD."

BUT IF PROPOSING IN THE WIENERMOBILE DOESN'T FEEL

ROMANTIC ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE-THRU AT

WHITE CASTLE.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, UNLESS YOU

LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU ARE ALREADY ALARMINGLY AWARE OF

GWYNETH PATLROW'S GOOP CANDLE■ç THAT PROMISES TO SMELL LIKE HER

VAGINA.

BUT I'M THE WEIRDO IF I ENTER SOMEONE'S HOME AND ASK, "IS IS

ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA IN

HERE?" ( LAUGHTER )

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS.

BUT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY THE CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE

GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA BECAUSE "ONE OF HER VAGINA

CANDLES REPORTEDLY EXPLODED IN A U.K. WOMAN'S HOME."

A SHOCKING STORY THAT THREATENS THE ENTIRE VAGINA-SCENTED CANDLE

INDUSTRY.

ACCORDING TO THE HOMEOWNER, "THE CANDLE EXPLODED AND EMITTED HUGE

FLAMES, WITH BITS FLYING EVERYWHERE."

WHICH IS WHY SAFETY-MINDED CONSUMERS PREFER TO STICK WITH

YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "NESTLE HAS

RECALLED 762,000 POUNDS OF HOT POCKETS BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE

GLASS AND PLASTIC INSIDE."

OKAY, BUT THEY STILL HAVE CHEESE, RIGHT?

THE COMPANY IS WARNING CUSTOMERS THAT THE HOT POCKETS CONTAINING

GLASS AND PLASTIC ARE DANGEROUS, THOUGH STILL NOT AS DANGEROUS

AS EATING THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.

STILL, PRETTY SHOCKING, AND SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR ORE

IDA'S GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS IS THE KIND OF NEWS I'M HOPING TO SPEND

MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT IN 2021.

BECAUSE IN WAYLAND, MASSACHUSETTS, "LIBRARIANS ARE

MYSTIFIED BY POTATOES GATHERING ON THE LIBRARY'S FRONT LAWN."

I THINK THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "ACCUMULATING," OR

"GATHERING" IMPLIES THEY'RE RESPONDING TO SOME SORT OF

PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.

"ARISE, FELLOW TUBERS!

NEVER AGAIN WILL THEY SPRINKLE US WITH CHIVES!"

"THE CREAM MAY BE SOUR BUT OUR REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!"

THE LIBRARIANS HAVE BEEN SHAKEN BY WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "RANDOM

POTATOES."

YES, RANDOM.

THESE POTATOES ARE NEITHER EXPECTED NOR ORDERLY!

THESE ARE TATERS OF CHAOS!

ACCORDING TO REPORTS, LIBRARY "DIRECTOR SANDY RAYMOND FOUND

THE FIRST TUBER MONDAY DURING A WALK AROUND THE LIBRARY GROUNDS.

SHE DISCOVERED THE SECOND WHILE GETTING HER STEPS IN TUESDAY."

THAT'S HOW VICIOUS THIS CRIME IS!

SHE'S TRYING GET HER STEPS IN, AND SOME SICKO IS TAUNTING HER

WITH CARBS!

AND YOU KNOW WE'RE ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THE SECOND

POTATO.

IF IT WAS ONE POTATO, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOULD

COMPLETELY IGNORE IT.

BUT TWO POTATOES, THAT'S A CLEAR PATTERN OF POTERRORISM.

TO AID LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE PRESS HAS RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF

THE LIBRARY AND THE POTATO-VIOLATED LAWN WITH THE

HELPFUL CAPTION, "ARROWS INDICATE WHERE POTATOES ARE."

THAT'S RIGHT, "ARE"!

LEAVE THEM THERE.

DON'T TOUCH THE CRIME SCENE!

TAPE IT OFF.

FORENSICS ARE ON THE WAY OVER WITH SOUR CREAM AND BACON BITS!

THE LIBRARIANS ALSO STATED, "NONE OF US CAN IMAGINE HOW

THEY GOT THERE."

IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!

OH, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "UH, DROPPED BY WALKING OR

THROWN FROM A CAR ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT?"

WELL, SNAP OUT OF IT!

IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED.

DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT IT COULD BE THE SASQUATCH?

YOU NEVER SEE A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT WITH A POTATO.

NO, WHY?

BECAUSE HE DROPPED HIS SPUDS AT THE LIBRARY!

AND, AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS STORY IS NOT OVER.

THERE'S MORE POTATO STORY COMING.

>> IN THE PATROL OF FULL DISCLOSURE I THINK I

BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THIS IS JUST SOME FUNNY, ISOLATED LITTLE

POTATO INCIDENT, YOU'RE SHOULD REVEAL

SHOULD REVEAL THAT "POTATO OCCURRENCES" WAS THE NAME OF MY

COLLEGE POETRY SLAM COLLECTIVE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.