I'm perfectly focused.

This guy over here, right before the kids, like if I'm focused.

Look at my hair.

I'm so focus is like the focus is blowing my hair back.

You know what?

Yourself, doctor.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I'm also kind of happy you did.

Welcome to a late show.

I am your host, Stephen Colbert.

Folks, this country is just emerged from four years of historic corruption, stunning incompetence and criminal negligence.

But Biden's been president for six days.

Why hasn't he fixed everything yet?

I mean, the first, everything he has to be fixed is coronavirus.

And I'll catch you up on the latest in tonight's edition of Catch A Third Wave.

Endless bummer, something.

Well, I haven't vaccine it anywhere.

A little prick.

Get it?

Yeah.

Hey, stop it.

That stuff is toxic.

I'm get it out of here.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

You in this time, co vid the United States just past 25 million cove in 19 cases, there haven't been that many cases off something since Angela Lansbury cleaned up the mean streets of Cabot Cove.

So many murderers in New England.

The U.

S got his first diagnosed case on January 21st of last year and since then has averaged one new infection every 1.2 seconds.

And to put that in perspective, look at the person on your left.

Now look at the person on your right.

Now get the hell out of there because it's been three seconds, you're all infected.

The vaccine is given people hope.

But so far, distribution has been a disaster.

Other countries have been able to distribute their vaccines.

So why is it so messed up in America?

You guessed it.

The previous administration did a horrible job planning it.

How bad?

The new head of the 500 Dr Rochelle Walensky says.

We're not even sure how bad things are.

I would say one of the biggest problems right now is I can't tell you how much vaccine we have.

It turns out when the ex president ordered vaccines under the amount he just wrote, Biggie size it.

Well, Lansky continued, The fact that we don't know today, five days into this administration and weeks into planning how much vaccine we have just gives you a sense with the challenges we've been left with.

How would you even describe coming into office with that situation?

We started off with empty cupboards.

The last administration left us nothing.

He's right about the empty cupboards part.

The Bidens found no food in the White House.

Just to note that says baking soda is the worst soda.

Got this toe work.

Now I got this to work isn't great.

It isn't that great Now.

It's kind of funny, but it doesn't.

It's not silly string anymore.

It's now a silly spurt doesn't make a string form.

All of this will be edited out.

Obviously, President Biden has a plan to combat the pandemic, with more vaccines and testing, a swell as emergency funding to state and local governments and $1400 checks for average Americans.

It's the $1.9 trillion American rescue plan, but this relief plan is already running into trouble.

You see, This weekend, a bipartisan group of senators took issue with the Bills price tag, with Maine's Angus King saying, This isn't monopoly money.

All right, let me put this in a way Angus King can understand.

No, sir, it's not monopoly money, but holding up this relief operation really does boggle the mind.

Doesn't take a mastermind to see that the people are in trouble because life ain't no candy land.

We're just going to the grocery store is a risk.

Yeah.

Jenga.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

I have a feeling that I just did something very expensive.

Oh, Uh huh.

One holdover from the previous administration is Dr Anthony Fauci.

And after just one day of working for Biden, you could really feel the difference.

That's him working for the former president on the left.

And that's him on day one off working for Biden.

That's the face of a man who no longer has to present his findings v a puppet show and scratch and sniff.

In an interview with The New York Times, our factory said the former president was always trying to minimize the global pandemic, explaining I would try to express the gravity of the situation on the response of the president was always leaning toward Well, it's not that bad, right?

And I would say yes, it is that bad, adding the president were called me up and say, Why are you being so negative?

Ist ic be more positive.

In fact, the former president was so committed to staying positive, he tested positive, then spread that positivity everywhere he went.

It's all in the upcoming movie Spray It Forward.

America's X was also in the wacky cures without proof foul, she remembers.

The president would get calls from Iran does and he would take justice seriously.

Their opinion based on no data.

Just anecdote that something might really be important.

It wasn't just hydroxy Clark when it was a variety of alternative medicine type approaches.

It was always, ah, guy called me up.

Ah, friend of mine from blah, blah, blah.

I'm sure everything the president recommended was peer reviewed in The New England Journal of Yada Yada Yada, you get the drift.

Dr.

Fauci is not the only one from the Coronavirus Task Force spelling the co vid 90 so his former White House coronavirus response coordinator and med school choir director saying, Your fever should be down here.

Dr.

Debra Berks Brooks appeared on Face the Brendan with Margaret Nation and revealed the ex president was getting mawr than suggestions from outside sources.

There was parallel data stream coming into the White House that we're not transparently utilized, so I know that someone or someone out there or someone inside was creating a parallel set of data and graphics that were shown to the president.

I saw the president presenting graphs that I never made has gotta suck.

You spent all night preparing your slideshow, explaining US infection rates.

And then the president goes out and shows everyone a graph ranking his chicken McNugget dips in order of saw awesomeness.

Awesome sauce, Awesomeness!

Dr Burke's also provided a suspect.

I know now why watching some of the tapes that certainly Scott Atlas brought in parallel data streams.

And if the rumors are true, the former president will pay extra for streams.

It's the fine baby joke.

We'll see.

Well, see, Speaking of which, the ex president is in deep Doo doo.

I'll tell you all about it in tonight's Don and the Giant impeached to go fast were furious.

President is inciting evil.

It's very sticky.

In our last episode, the former POTUS became the first president ever to be impeached.

Twice.

Those are the only two times has ever won the popular vote well.

Tonight, members of the House of Representatives officially walked the article over to the Senate.

Now they did this once before, but last time they didn't have to step over so much shattered glass and poop streaks.

But we're not gonna be hearing a hearing anytime soon because the Senate has decided to hit pause for two weeks because Demas want President Biden to be able to fill his Cabinet and begin work on his agenda.

And Republicans want to give the former president time to prepare his defense.

That's right.

Rudy Giuliani needs time to eat a big bowl of chili and load up on head juice.

But most Republicans aren't eager to convict like South Dakota.

Senator Guy asking if your dad band needs a second bass player.

Mike Rounds.

Yesterday rounds was asked about impeachment and he had a creative Dodge.

Do you believe Donald Trump committed an impeachable offenses to begin with?

I think it's a moot point because I think right now Donald Trump is no longer the president.

He is a former president, so you just wanna let him get off scot free for insurrection because he's no longer in power.

That's like a quitting Jeffrey Dahmer's because he's full, another Republican who thinks impeachment is a bad move is Florida senator and man shunned from the cool Senators lunch table, Marco Rubio.

Yesterday, Rubio said he thinks impeachment is dangerous.

First, I think the trial is stupid.

I think it's counterproductive.

We already have a flaming fire in this country, and it's like taking a bunch of gasoline and pouring it on top of the fire.

Oh, there's a flaming fire, you stupid idiot.

But you don't want to hold the arsonist accountable because you're afraid you'll be primary by the Kindle ing.

But what Republican who hasn't pawned his moral compass is Utah senator and magician watching his favorite dove fly away forever?

Mitt Romney.

When asked if impeachment was an appropriate measure, Romney said.

This well, yes, I believe that what is being alleged and what we saw, which is incitement to insurrection, is an impeachable offenses.

Good for Romney.

He has found the courage to break ranks with his Republican colleagues and take the bold stance that trying to murder us is bad.

But despite some senators open mindedness about impeachment, it's largely going to be partisan, one Republican senator said.

Many view it as a game of shirts and skins.

I watched the video of that riot.

It's really shirts and skinheads.

Over the weekend, we learned yet another reason why the former president should be removed from the office he's already been removed from, According to The New York Times, the then president plotted to fire acting attorney general on man who just burped into his own mask, Jeffrey Rosen and replace him with Justice Department official and Elton John.

If you went to law school, Jeffrey Clark, here's what happened from the moment Bill Bar announced his resignation.

The then president pressured Rosen, the acting attorney general, to use the power of the Justice Department to interfere in the election.

Rosen refused.

Meanwhile, Clark, sucking up to the president like a lamprey streetwalker, drafted a letter that he wanted rose and descended.

Georgia state legislators that wrongly said that the Justice Department was investigating accusations of voter fraud in their state and that they should move to avoid Biden's win there.

And if that worked, they send Georgians new stickers that said, I voted, but then some guy wrote a letter, so forget it.

Rosen, who evidently and check me on this owns the spine, refused to send the letter, but Clark went straight to the president, who surprise just loved the idea.

So Rosen got a call from Clark telling him the president intended to replace Rosen with Clark, who could then try to stop Congress from certifying the Electoral College results.

I don't know exactly how Clark thought he was gonna do that, but I have a pretty good idea what he was gonna wear.

Clark then added that Rosen could stay on as his deputy attorney general, leaving Mr Rosen speechless.

Yeah, I'd be speechless, too.

That's like a husband saying, Honey, I realize you're not on board with me having a secret affair with Lorraine, But how about we get a divorce?

I openly bang Lorraine, and now you can watch.

Not only do the former president's attempt to steal the 2020 election fail get him impeached in land hundreds of violent morons in jail.

It's also made some big problems for attorney and replicant failing the void Comp test Rudy Giuliani This morning, Rudy woke up to some bad news.

You see, the manufacturer of the voting machines that Rudy claims stole the election for Biden Dominion Voting Systems is suing him for $1.3 billion over his baseless election claims.

Rudy, you've got to very difficult choices.

A learn how to win a lawsuit or be come up with a way to raise $1.3 billion.

I'm just saying New York could always use a new bikini car wash.

Mm hmm.

As you may recall, from memories that you've repressed, Rudy spent months accusing Dominion voting machines of rigging the election on the orders of the ghost off Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez.

But as the lawsuit points out, Dominion was not founded in Venezuela to fix elections for Hugo Chavez.

It was founded in 2002 in Toronto to help blind people vote on paper ballots.

Ha, ha!

But perhaps the blind people only thought they were in Toronto.

But we're really listening to prerecorded moose mating calls inside Chavez Venezuelan Vote Farm A.

The lawsuit claims that Rudy spread his lies to enrich himself through his podcast, where he exploited election falsehoods to market gold coins, supplements cigars and protection from cyber thieves and, of course, his most popular product, gold plated cyber secure Boehner cigars.

We got a great show for you tonight.

My guest is Serena Williams, but when we return, I preview the Super Bowl.