it's like New York's abortion that lived.

這就像紐約的墮胎，活。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Shitty place.

糟糕的地方。

Nah, there's good people everywhere,

不，到處都有好人。

but like not in Staten Island, not at all.

但就像不在史坦頓島一樣，一點也不。

- [Announcer] Let's give it up

- [播音員]我們放棄吧

for Pete Davidson.

為皮特-戴維森。

- Yay, what's up adults?

- 呀，大人怎麼了？

How are you doing, are you good?

你好，你還好嗎？

I just dropped out of college, anybody else?

我剛從大學退學，還有人嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

I dropped out 'cause I was dorm-ing

我退學了，因為我是宿舍的

and I didn't like dorm-ing.

我不喜歡宿舍。

That's it.

就這樣吧

I didn't speak to any of my roommates

我沒有跟任何一個室友說話。

and I think it's 'cause like the first morning,

我認為這是'事業 像第一個早晨，

we all woke up with a boner.

我們都醒了，有一個大錯。

We were like, "This isn't for any of us."

我們當時想，"這不適合我們任何人"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

One time we ran out of toilet paper

有一次，我們的衛生紙用完了

and we just didn't get any.

而我們只是沒有得到任何。

But everybody took a shit every day.

但大家每天都在拉屎。

And nobody knew what they used.

而且沒有人知道他們用的是什麼。

It was like this don't ask, don't tell policy

就像這種不問不說的政策。

that we had.

我們有。

One time my roommate came out of the bathroom

有一次我的室友從衛生間出來

with one sock.

用一隻襪子。

I was like, "Fuck, we need toilet paper, holy shit."

我當時想，"他媽的，我們需要衛生紙，神聖的狗屎。"

This is getting real.

這是越來越真實。

I have no game with women

我對女人沒興趣

'cause I went to an all boy Catholic school.

因為我上的是一所全男生的天主教學校。

Which is like an educational cock block.

這就像一個教育的公雞塊。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It's not very fun.

這不是很有趣。

Here's something that should never happen

這是不應該發生的事情

in an all boys school,

在一所全男校，

uh, don't get an erection.

呃，不要得到一個勃起。

There's no excuse for that, at all.

這根本就沒有任何藉口。

It just shouldn't happen 'cause there's priests there.

只是不應該發生，因為那裡有牧師。

And priests are like sharks when you get a cut

牧師們就像鯊魚一樣，當你被割傷的時候

in the water.

在水裡。

I got my priest to stop hitting on me, though.

不過我讓我的牧師不再打我了。

It was easy.

這很容易。

I introduced him to my little brother.

我把他介紹給我的弟弟。

I got an A.

我得到了一個A。

I'm a pot head, I'm pretty sure you could tell.

我是一個鍋蓋頭，我敢肯定，你可以告訴。

Yeah.

是啊。

I smoke weed 'cause the commercials against it suck.

我抽大麻是因為反對它的廣告太爛了。

Like the cigarette commercials are good, they're good.

像香菸的廣告很好，他們很好。

The lady has no fingers.

這位女士沒有手指。

I'm like, "Nah, I need those."

我想，"不，我需要這些。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"How am I gonna smoke weed with no fingers?"

"沒有手指，我怎麼抽大麻？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

There's certain things I can't do when I'm high.

有些事情我在高處的時候不能做。

I figured this out recently.

我最近想明白了。

I can't play Call of Duty 'cause I'm afraid of dying.

我不能玩 "使命召喚"，因為我怕死。

Soon as the game starts, I just hide behind a rock.

遊戲一開始，我就躲在石頭後面。

I'm like, "You guys go!

我說："你們去吧!

"I'm gonna listen to these fifth graders call me a homo

"我要聽這些五年級的學生叫我同性戀者

"for the next 32 minutes."

"在接下來的32分鐘裡"

All my friends are black if you can't tell

我的朋友都是黑人，你看不出來嗎？

by my sneakers, Jordan's!

我的運動鞋，喬丹的！

You ever have a black guy compliment your sneakers?

你有沒有被黑人誇獎過你的運動鞋？

You're like, "Oh wow, these must be cool."

你會說，"哦，哇，這些一定很酷。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

If a white guy compliments my sneakers,

如果一個白人誇獎我的運動鞋。

I'm like, "I'm gonna throw these out, these must,

我想，"我要把這些扔掉，這些必須。

"what do I look like, I have a kid coming?"

"我看起來像什麼，我有一個孩子來了？"

I'm from Staten Island, I'm sorry everybody.

我來自斯坦頓島，對不起大家。

If you guys don't know what Staten Island is,

如果你們不知道斯塔滕島是什麼。

it's like New York's abortion that lived.

這就像紐約的墮胎，活。

Like it shouldn't.

好像不應該。

It's this awful place where dreams die and

這是個可怕的地方，在這裡，夢想死了，而且...

I'm from there.

我是那裡的人

Like, the only good thing we have

就像，唯一的好東西，我們有

are women sex offenders, I think that's awesome.

是女性性犯罪者，我認為這是真棒。

It's actually why I still live there.

其實這也是我還住在那裡的原因。

If I turn on Fox News and the guy's like,

如果我打開福克斯新聞，這傢伙的喜歡，

"Woman rapes three kids ages 13 to 17 in the woods,"

"女子在樹林裡強姦了三個13到17歲的孩子"

I'm like, "Mom, I'm going camping.

我想，"媽媽，我要去露營。

"You got that Boy Scout outfit from third grade?"

"你有三年級時的童子軍裝嗎？"

"It won't fit you!"

"它不適合你！"

"That's the point."

"這才是重點。"

Yeah.

是啊。

Hi guys, are you good?

嗨，夥計們，你們好嗎？

- [Audience] Yeah!

- [觀眾]是啊！

- I'm very depressed everybody.

- 我很鬱悶大家。

I am, I just turned 20, and

我是，我剛滿20歲，和

it's over, it's done.

它的結束，它的完成。

I just moved out of my mom's house

我剛從我媽家搬出來

and I've realized something.

我意識到了一些事情。

I'm gonna fucking die, I'm not gonna make it.

我他媽要死了，我活不下去了。

I'm not, I thought about it.

我沒有，我想了想。

I'm 6'3, I'm 140 pounds.

我身高6尺3，體重140磅。

I have a problem with wind.

我對風有意見。

My friends are like, "You wanna go out?"

我的朋友們都說，"你想出去嗎？"

I'm like, "You gotta check the forecast first.

我說："你得先看看天氣預報。

"You might lose a friend."

"你可能會失去一個朋友。"

When I used to live with my mom,

我以前和我媽住在一起的時候。

I just thought she was annoying.

我只是覺得她很煩人。

I thought she was annoying and she cock blocked

我覺得她很煩人，而且她的雞巴擋住了。

my masturbation time, that's all.

我的手淫時間，僅此而已。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

'Cause she was the room next door,

因為她是隔壁的房間。

so every time I would get it going,

所以每次我都會讓它去。

I would like hear her sneeze

我想聽她打噴嚏

and it would throw off my timing.

而且會影響我的時間。

And I'm like, "I can't finish now.

我想，"我現在不能完成。

"Mommy's sick. (audience laughs)

"媽媽的病。（觀眾笑）

"She might need these tissues."

"她可能需要這些紙巾。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I miss living at my mom's house.

我很懷念住在我媽媽家的日子。

When I used to live in my mom's house,

以前我住在我媽媽家的時候。

I used to be able to jerk off in my bed

我以前可以在床上打飛機的

and then the next day it would be gone.

然後第二天就會消失。

Now I live on my own.

現在我一個人生活。

It just stays there, it's not going anywhere.

它只是停留在那裡，它不會去任何地方。

It's not going anywhere til I move.

我不搬走，它就哪兒也不去。

I don't have the same fears I do now though,

不過我現在已經沒有那麼害怕了。

jerking off by myself than when I lived in my mom's house,

比起我住在孃家的時候，自己打飛機。

'cause I used to jerk off in my mom's bathroom.

因為我曾經在我媽媽的浴室裡打飛機。

'Cause it smelled nice and there was lotion.

因為它聞起來很香，而且還有乳液。

And I just realized now I was jerking off

我現在才意識到我在打手槍

to my mom's scent, so that's fucking great, anyway.

我媽媽的香味， 所以這是他媽的偉大的，反正。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It just hit me.

它只是打我。

No but it was, my biggest fear,

沒有，但它是，我最害怕的。

'cause I used to jerk off in her bathroom all the time

因為我經常在她的浴室裡打飛機。

and sometimes I would finish on the toilet seat

有時我會在馬桶座上完成

and my biggest fear is that one day she would

我最擔心的是有一天她會...

just sit on it and get pregnant.

只要坐著就能懷孕。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Every day I would clean my bathroom.

每天我都會打掃我的衛生間。

My mom had no idea what was going on.

我媽媽不知道發生了什麼事。

She was just like, "You're such a good boy."

她只是想，"你真是個好孩子。"

And I'm like, "You have no idea what I'm trying

我想，"你不知道我在努力什麼

"to prevent right now." (audience laughs)

"以防止現在。"（觀眾笑）

I had to move out, I had to move out of my mom's house,

我必須搬出去，我必須搬出我媽媽的房子。

it got really weird.

它得到了真正的怪異。

She bought me condoms.

她給我買了保險套。

And it's fine if you're a mom

如果你是個媽媽，那就好了。

and you wanna buy you son condoms,

你還想給你兒子買保險套

there's just a way to do it.

只是有一個辦法。

If you wanna get your son condoms,

如果你想給你兒子買保險套

just get 'em and leave 'em in his room.

只是得到'時間和離開'時間在他的房間。

Don't tell him, he'll find 'em.

別告訴他，他會找到他們的。

That's the way to do it.

就是這樣做的。

That's not what my mom did,

我媽媽不是這樣做的。

my mom did something really weird.

我媽媽做了一件很奇怪的事。

Right, it was really weird.

對，這真的很奇怪。

I was still staying at her house at the time

那時候我還住在她家呢

and it was like 11:30 at night and she just barged in.

它就像晚上11: 30，她只是闖了進來。

She didn't text, knock, just barged in.

她沒有發短信，沒有敲門，只是闖了進來。

And she was just like, "Hey.

而她只是想，"嘿。

"I got something for ya."

"我有東西給你。"

And I was high, so I was like, "What the fuck?

我當時很興奮，所以我就想，"這他媽是怎麼回事？

"This is a little weird."

"這有點奇怪。"

And I sweat to God, I turned on the lights,

我對天發誓，我開了燈。

this is what she does, she has it,

這是她的工作，她有它。

she had it behind her back and she pulls out a 40 pack,

她把它背在身後，她拿出了40包。

and I swear to God this is what she does, she goes,

我向上帝發誓，這是她做什麼，她去。

"I got every kind for my baby boy."

"我給我的寶貝兒子買了各種類型的東西。"

And then she winked at me, and I was like,

然後她對我眨了眨眼，我當時就想。

"You're giving the fucking weirdest vibe I've ever seen

"你給人的感覺是我見過的最怪異的氛圍

"in my life, Mom.

"在我的生活中，媽媽，

"I know you're single, I'm not the guy.

"我知道你是單身，我不是那個人。

"I think it's time to move out, this is really weird."

"我覺得是時候搬出去了，這真的很奇怪。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

And she got me the 40 pack!

她還給我買了40包！

I wanted to be like, "Who do you think your son is?"

我想說，"你覺得你兒子是誰？"

I didn't even get to use 'em,

我甚至沒有用上它們。

I just opened all of 'em and left them around their house.

我只是打開了所有的'時間和離開他們的房子周圍。

So she would find them and think I was cool.

所以她會發現它們，覺得我很酷。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I did, she found one the other day.

是的，她前幾天發現了一個。

She called me, she was like, "I found another condom."

她打電話給我，她說，"我又找到了一個保險套"

Like yeah you did, that's your boy.

是的，你做到了，這是你的孩子。

I used to be a bully 'cause I wanted to be a rapper

我曾經是一個惡霸，因為我想成為一個說唱歌手。

in high school.

在高中。

I wanted to be a rapper and my name would be VI Pete.

我想成為一個說唱歌手，我的名字是VI皮特。

It's kind of a dope, right?

這也算是一種興奮劑吧？

It's kind of good, it's kind of a dope name,

這是一種很好的，這是一種塗料的名字。

it's kind of a dope name.

這是一種塗料的名字。

You can agree, it's a good name.

你可以同意，這是個好名字。

But I always used to listen to hip-hop,

但我以前總是聽嘻哈。

never had friends, so I used to just hang out

從來沒有朋友，所以我習慣了只在外面混

and listen to hip-hop 'cause it would be motivating

和聽嘻哈'的原因，這將是激勵。

and hip-hop makes you feel good about yourself.

和嘻哈讓你感覺良好的自己。

But the weird thing would be like my friends were all

但奇怪的是，我的朋友們都是... ...

in their mid 30s, early 40s.

在他們30多歲，40歲出頭的時候。

So like they like a different type of hip-hop.

所以像他們喜歡不同類型的嘻哈。

Like they love Biggie in the way, I like Biggie too,

像他們喜歡大吉的方式，我也喜歡大吉。

but the way that-- (audience cheers)

但該方式 - （觀眾歡呼）

All right, relax. (audience laughs)

好吧，放鬆。（觀眾笑）

Yeah, he's not here, obviously.

是的，他不在這裡，顯然。

Yeah.

是啊。

I know, that was an easy, but you threw it up

我知道，這很容易，但你把它扔了出來

and I fucking dunked it, so fuck all of you, how's that?

我他媽的灌籃了，所以他媽的你們所有人，怎麼樣？

Anyway.

總之...

No, but when my older friends talk about Biggie,

沒有，但當我的年長的朋友們談起大吉。

like they talk about him like, they're like,

像他們談論他一樣，他們就像，

"Ah, Notorious!"

"啊，臭名昭著！"

They feel it, they're like, "Ah this,

他們感覺到了，他們就像，"啊，這。

"he would've been the best."

"他本來是最好的。"

They're like, "If he was alive today,

他們說，"如果他今天還活著，

"he would've been the best.

"他本來是最好的，

"It's so sad that he died."

"他死了，真讓人傷心。"

And I always try to make them feel better

而我總是試圖讓他們感覺更好

'cause I feel for them and I'm like,

因為我覺得他們和我一樣，

"It's probably better that he died back then

"當年他死了，可能會好一些

"than like now of like natural causes."

"比像現在這樣的自然原因。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Yeah, it's better that he got shot than it be like a burger

是啊，他被槍殺總比像漢堡一樣被槍殺要好得多。

that took Biggie down.

那把大吉打倒了。

Biggie died on Crenshaw, what happened?

Biggie死在Crenshaw，發生了什麼？

Burger, it was a burger.

漢堡，那是一個漢堡。

(woman laughs)

（女人笑）

My favorite rapper is Coolio, I love Coolio.

我最喜歡的說唱歌手是Coolio，我喜歡Coolio。

(audience cheers)

（觀眾歡呼聲）

Yeah, he's still alive.

是的，他還活著。

He's been alive forever and he's a cook,

他一直活著，他是個廚師。

so you know he's healthy and he's not going anywhere.

所以你知道他是健康的，他不會去任何地方。

He's a reliable guy to love.

他是一個可靠的人，愛。

Like I never wake up like, "Oh, what's happened

就像我從來沒有醒來一樣，"哦，發生了什麼事

"to Coolio?" you know what I mean?

"對Coolio？"你知道我的意思嗎？

I know he's out there somewhere.

我知道他就在外面

Love fucking Coolio, he's the man.

愛死庫里奧了，他是個男人。

First time I ever heard "Gangsta's Paradise" was in a movie.

我第一次聽到 "Gangsta's Paradise "是在一部電影裡。

Yeah, right?

是啊，對吧？

Most of you probably know the song from "Dangerous Minds."

大部分人可能都知道 "危險心靈 "這首歌。

I wasn't alive when that was a thing.

那時候我還沒活過來呢。

I know it from "Pain and Gain,"

我是從 "痛苦與收穫 "中知道的。

the weightlifting Michael Bay movie.

舉重的邁克爾-貝電影。

So, and I know the reason why I love listening

所以，我知道為什麼我愛聽的原因了

to "Gangsta's Paradise" is there's no N-words in it.

"Gangsta's Paradise "中沒有N字。

So I can sing it drunk and not like fuck up.

所以，我可以唱它喝醉了，而不是像他媽的起來。

You know what I mean?

你知道我的意思嗎？

It's like I can sing it confidently all the way through

就像我可以自信地唱完它一樣。

no matter where I am, I don't have to worry.

無論我在哪裡，我都不用擔心。

I grew up in Staten Island and when you grow up

我是在史坦頓島長大的，當你長大後...

in Staten Island you're just probably gonna be

在史坦頓島，你只是可能要去。

a construction worker that beats his wife.

一個打老婆的建築工人。

Like you know like that's,

就像你知道的那樣。

it's like the best you can do.

這就像你能做的最好的。

So I would listen to "Gangsta's Paradise"

所以我想聽 "黑道天堂"。

and it would make, like maybe I can get out

它將使，就像也許我可以走出

of Staten Island.

史坦頓島的。