it's like New York's abortion that lived.

(audience laughs)

Shitty place.

Nah, there's good people everywhere,

but like not in Staten Island, not at all.

- [Announcer] Let's give it up

for Pete Davidson.

- Yay, what's up adults?

How are you doing, are you good?

I just dropped out of college, anybody else?

Yeah.

I dropped out 'cause I was dorm-ing

and I didn't like dorm-ing.

That's it.

I didn't speak to any of my roommates

and I think it's 'cause like the first morning,

we all woke up with a boner.

We were like, "This isn't for any of us."

(audience laughs)

One time we ran out of toilet paper

and we just didn't get any.

But everybody took a shit every day.

And nobody knew what they used.

It was like this don't ask, don't tell policy

that we had.

One time my roommate came out of the bathroom

with one sock.

I was like, "Fuck, we need toilet paper, holy shit."

This is getting real.

I have no game with women

'cause I went to an all boy Catholic school.

Which is like an educational cock block.

(audience laughs)

It's not very fun.

Here's something that should never happen

in an all boys school,

uh, don't get an erection.

There's no excuse for that, at all.

It just shouldn't happen 'cause there's priests there.

And priests are like sharks when you get a cut

in the water.

I got my priest to stop hitting on me, though.

It was easy.

I introduced him to my little brother.

I got an A.

I'm a pot head, I'm pretty sure you could tell.

Yeah.

I smoke weed 'cause the commercials against it suck.

Like the cigarette commercials are good, they're good.

The lady has no fingers.

I'm like, "Nah, I need those."

(audience laughs)

"How am I gonna smoke weed with no fingers?"

(audience laughs)

There's certain things I can't do when I'm high.

I figured this out recently.

I can't play Call of Duty 'cause I'm afraid of dying.

Soon as the game starts, I just hide behind a rock.

I'm like, "You guys go!

"I'm gonna listen to these fifth graders call me a homo

"for the next 32 minutes."

All my friends are black if you can't tell

by my sneakers, Jordan's!

You ever have a black guy compliment your sneakers?

You're like, "Oh wow, these must be cool."

(audience laughs)

If a white guy compliments my sneakers,

I'm like, "I'm gonna throw these out, these must,

"what do I look like, I have a kid coming?"

I'm from Staten Island, I'm sorry everybody.

If you guys don't know what Staten Island is,

it's like New York's abortion that lived.

Like it shouldn't.

It's this awful place where dreams die and

I'm from there.

Like, the only good thing we have

are women sex offenders, I think that's awesome.

It's actually why I still live there.

If I turn on Fox News and the guy's like,

"Woman rapes three kids ages 13 to 17 in the woods,"

I'm like, "Mom, I'm going camping.

"You got that Boy Scout outfit from third grade?"

"It won't fit you!"

"That's the point."

Yeah.

Hi guys, are you good?

- [Audience] Yeah!

- I'm very depressed everybody.

I am, I just turned 20, and

it's over, it's done.

I just moved out of my mom's house

and I've realized something.

I'm gonna fucking die, I'm not gonna make it.

I'm not, I thought about it.

I'm 6'3, I'm 140 pounds.

I have a problem with wind.

My friends are like, "You wanna go out?"

I'm like, "You gotta check the forecast first.

"You might lose a friend."

When I used to live with my mom,

I just thought she was annoying.

I thought she was annoying and she cock blocked

my masturbation time, that's all.

(audience laughs)

'Cause she was the room next door,

so every time I would get it going,

I would like hear her sneeze

and it would throw off my timing.

And I'm like, "I can't finish now.

"Mommy's sick. (audience laughs)

"She might need these tissues."

(audience laughs)

I miss living at my mom's house.

When I used to live in my mom's house,

I used to be able to jerk off in my bed

and then the next day it would be gone.

Now I live on my own.

It just stays there, it's not going anywhere.

It's not going anywhere til I move.

I don't have the same fears I do now though,

jerking off by myself than when I lived in my mom's house,

'cause I used to jerk off in my mom's bathroom.

'Cause it smelled nice and there was lotion.

And I just realized now I was jerking off

to my mom's scent, so that's fucking great, anyway.

(audience laughs)

It just hit me.

No but it was, my biggest fear,

'cause I used to jerk off in her bathroom all the time

and sometimes I would finish on the toilet seat

and my biggest fear is that one day she would

just sit on it and get pregnant.

(audience laughs)

Every day I would clean my bathroom.

My mom had no idea what was going on.

She was just like, "You're such a good boy."

And I'm like, "You have no idea what I'm trying

"to prevent right now." (audience laughs)

I had to move out, I had to move out of my mom's house,

it got really weird.

She bought me condoms.

And it's fine if you're a mom

and you wanna buy you son condoms,

there's just a way to do it.

If you wanna get your son condoms,

just get 'em and leave 'em in his room.

Don't tell him, he'll find 'em.

That's the way to do it.

That's not what my mom did,

my mom did something really weird.

Right, it was really weird.

I was still staying at her house at the time

and it was like 11:30 at night and she just barged in.

She didn't text, knock, just barged in.

And she was just like, "Hey.

"I got something for ya."

And I was high, so I was like, "What the fuck?

"This is a little weird."

And I sweat to God, I turned on the lights,

this is what she does, she has it,

she had it behind her back and she pulls out a 40 pack,

and I swear to God this is what she does, she goes,

"I got every kind for my baby boy."

And then she winked at me, and I was like,

"You're giving the fucking weirdest vibe I've ever seen

"in my life, Mom.

"I know you're single, I'm not the guy.

"I think it's time to move out, this is really weird."

(audience laughs)

And she got me the 40 pack!

I wanted to be like, "Who do you think your son is?"

I didn't even get to use 'em,

I just opened all of 'em and left them around their house.

So she would find them and think I was cool.

(audience laughs)

I did, she found one the other day.

She called me, she was like, "I found another condom."

Like yeah you did, that's your boy.

I used to be a bully 'cause I wanted to be a rapper

in high school.

I wanted to be a rapper and my name would be VI Pete.

It's kind of a dope, right?

It's kind of good, it's kind of a dope name,

it's kind of a dope name.

You can agree, it's a good name.

But I always used to listen to hip-hop,

never had friends, so I used to just hang out

and listen to hip-hop 'cause it would be motivating

and hip-hop makes you feel good about yourself.

But the weird thing would be like my friends were all

in their mid 30s, early 40s.

So like they like a different type of hip-hop.

Like they love Biggie in the way, I like Biggie too,

but the way that-- (audience cheers)

All right, relax. (audience laughs)

Yeah, he's not here, obviously.

Yeah.

I know, that was an easy, but you threw it up

and I fucking dunked it, so fuck all of you, how's that?

Anyway.

No, but when my older friends talk about Biggie,

like they talk about him like, they're like,

"Ah, Notorious!"

They feel it, they're like, "Ah this,

"he would've been the best."

They're like, "If he was alive today,

"he would've been the best.

"It's so sad that he died."

And I always try to make them feel better

'cause I feel for them and I'm like,

"It's probably better that he died back then

"than like now of like natural causes."

(audience laughs)

Yeah, it's better that he got shot than it be like a burger

that took Biggie down.

Biggie died on Crenshaw, what happened?

Burger, it was a burger.

(woman laughs)

My favorite rapper is Coolio, I love Coolio.

(audience cheers)

Yeah, he's still alive.

He's been alive forever and he's a cook,

so you know he's healthy and he's not going anywhere.

He's a reliable guy to love.

Like I never wake up like, "Oh, what's happened

"to Coolio?" you know what I mean?

I know he's out there somewhere.

Love fucking Coolio, he's the man.

First time I ever heard "Gangsta's Paradise" was in a movie.

Yeah, right?

Most of you probably know the song from "Dangerous Minds."

I wasn't alive when that was a thing.

I know it from "Pain and Gain,"

the weightlifting Michael Bay movie.

So, and I know the reason why I love listening

to "Gangsta's Paradise" is there's no N-words in it.

So I can sing it drunk and not like fuck up.

You know what I mean?

It's like I can sing it confidently all the way through

no matter where I am, I don't have to worry.

I grew up in Staten Island and when you grow up

in Staten Island you're just probably gonna be

a construction worker that beats his wife.

Like you know like that's,

it's like the best you can do.

So I would listen to "Gangsta's Paradise"

and it would make, like maybe I can get out

of Staten Island.

We'll do some 9/11 jokes and then we'll get the fuck out

of here, how does that sound?

(Pete laughs)

It's hard to transition into anything.

I don't know if you've noticed anything about my comedy,

but there's not many transitions.

It's very like, "Dick! Fuck! Dad!"

Like it's like very straightforward,