I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

LET'S DRIVE THAT TRAIN!

BECAUSE WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL, VERY RARE FRIDAY "A LATE SHOW"

TONIGHT, BECAUSE TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THE BIG NEWS

CONTINUES TO BE THAT JOE BIDEN IS THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED

STATES.

AND, YES, THAT HAS BEEN TRUE FOR NINE DAYS AT THIS POINT, BUT I

STILL NEED REMINDERS.

EVERY DAY, I THROW OPEN MY WINDOW AND SAY TO A PASSING

STREET URCHIN BELOW, "BOY!

YOU, BOY!

WHAT ADMINISTRATION IS IT?" AND THE KID SAYS "TODAY?

IT'S THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION, SIR!"

THEN I FLIP HIM A FARTHING TO GO BUY ME A GOOSE, AND HE ASKS ME

TO VENMO HIM INSTEAD, AND FROM THERE, IT'S MOSTLY JUST ME

CALLING MY KIDS TO ASK HOW YOU DO THAT.

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS

POLITICALLY, IT'S REFRESHING TO HAVE A NEW ADMINISTRATION TAKING

THE REINS.

IT'S LIKE YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT IS FINALLY SERVING

A NEW DISH, WHICH IS NICE, BECAUSE THE DAILY SPECIAL FOR

THE LAST FOUR YEARS WAS FILET OF BROKEN GLASS WITH A SHALLOT AND

BLEACH REMOULADE.

AND BECAUSE THIS IS SUCH AN HISTORIC CHANGING OF THE GUARDS,

WE ARE DEDICATING TONIGHT'S ENTIRE SHOW TO JOSEPH R. BARDEN

AND KAMALA HARRIS, IN WHAT WE'RE CALLING "THE LATE SHOW'S CHECK

YOUR MALARKEY AT THE DOOR, JOE TIME LIKE THE PRESENT, KAMALA-N

FEEL THE NOISE, SORRY, NEW COUNTRY, WHO DIS?

PREZ-TRAVAGANZA!" JOE AND KAMALA-- OR AS NO ONE

CALLS THEM, JOE-MALA-- HAVE BEEN IN OFFICE FOR LESS THAN TWO

WEEKS, AND THEIR ADMINISTRATION HAS ALREADY BEEN HISTORIC.

KAMALA IS THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, THE FIRST BLACK VICE

PRESIDENT, AND THE FIRST SOUTH ASIAN VICE PRESIDENT, WHEREAS

JOE IS ONLY THE SECOND CATHOLIC PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE

UNITED STATES.

WHICH MEANS I CAN USE MY SECRET TELEPATHIC POWERS TO CONTACT

HIM.

HOLD ON.

SUNDAY SERVICE AT 10:30 AT OUR LADY OF GOOD HOPE.

THAT'S IT.

WE CAN ONLY COMMUTE MASS TIMES.

IT'S NOT VERY USEFUL.

BIDEN IS FAMOUS FOR WORKING WITH EVERYONE IN CONGRESS.

IN THE PAST DECADES NO ONE HAS BEEN MORE EFFICIENT THAN BIDEN

MAKING DEALS ACROSS THE AISLE.

THAT'S RIGHT, JACK, I WORKED WITH DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS,

SOCIALISTS, LIBERTARIANS, KNOW-KNOGS, WHIGS I RAN ON A

UNITY TICKET WITH GAIL GAM EVERYBODY.

WE HAD THE FIRST BUMPER STICKER.

AGAIN, HE IS CROWNED WITH MANY WINTERS, BUT JOE DIDN'T COME TO

THE WHITE HOUSE ALONE.

HE'S ALSO BROUGHT HIS TWO GERMAN SHEPHERDS-- MAJOR BIDEN, SEEN

HERE WONDERING IF YOU'RE GOING TO FINISH THAT NAPKIN, AND CHAMP

BIDEN, SEEN HERE REGRETTING LISTING HIS BED ON AIRBNB.

BIDEN IS NO POLITICAL NOVICE.

THIS WAS HIS THIRD RUN FOR PRESIDENT, THE FIRST BEING ALL

THE WAY BACK IN 1988.

BUT YOU KNOW THE OLD EXPRESSION: "IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,

WAIT 20 YEARS, TRY AGAIN, FAIL AGAIN, END UP VICE PRESIDENT,

DECIDE NOT TO RUN, LEAVE OFFICE, WAIT FOUR AGONIZING YEARS AS THE

COUNTRY DESCENDS INTO CHAOS, AND TRY, TRY AGAIN."

AND JOE HAS ALSO HAD TO BATTLE A DESCRUS MISCONCEPTION ABOUT HIM.

>> WHAT'S THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION ABOUT YOU, SIR?

>> I HAVE MORE HAIR THAN THEY THOUGHT I DO.

>> HEAR THAT RUSKIES.

GOING INTO ARMS NEGOTIATIONS WITH TOE TO TOE WITH THIS HIM,

THINKING THIS GUY HAS WAY MORE HAIR.

YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF BECAUSE JOE HAS A PERFECTLY

ACCURATE COUNT OF HIS OWN HAIRS.

ONE OF THE PINNACLES OF JOE'S CAREER WAS WHEN HE WAS AWARDED

THE NATION'S HIGHEST HONOR, THE MEDAL OF FREEDOM.

HE WAS PRESENTED TO HIM BY HIS BEST FRIEND BECAUSE GUY YOU

DON'T KNOW HE KNOWS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HIM.

BARACK OBAMA.

>> AND OF COURSE, WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS.

SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A FIGHTER.

WHEN SHE RAN FOR SAN FRANCISCO DISTRICT ATTORNEY IN 2003, SHE

RAN AGAINST TERENCE HALLINAN, HER FORMER BOSS.

AND HER MESSAGE WAS, "WE'RE PROGRESSIVE, LIKE TERENCE

HALLINAN, BUT WE'RE COMPETENT, LIKE TERENCE HALLINAN IS NOT.

AN EMPRISEF SLOGAN, ALTHOUGH IT UNDERCUT YOUR PROGRESSIVE

MESSAGE WHEN YOU HAVE TO BUY A A PRIUS TO FIT THE BUMPER STICKER.

AFTER A GRUELING CAMPAIGN THEY MADE IT TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

BUT PERHAPS WHAT JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS WILL BE MOST

REMEMBERED FOR IS APPEARING ON MY SHOW, AN HONOR USUALLY

RESERVED FOR ACTORS PROMOTING THEIR LATEST NETFLIX SERIES OR

PARTICULARLY HANDSOME HORSES.

BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, JOE AND KAMALA HAVE BEEN ON THE SHOW 11

TIMES.

AND TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO CELEBRATE SOME OF THEIR BEST

MOMENTS, INCLUDING SOME STUFF THAT HAS NEVER AIRED ON

BROADCAST TELEVISION.

AND I WANT TO START WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE APPEARANCES FROM

THEN-VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, JUST A FEW WEEKS AFTER THE 2016

ELECTION.

AMERICA WAS GOING THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT CHANGES AND AWKWARD

GROWING PAINS.

SO JOE BIDEN AGREED TO JOIN ME WHEN I CALLED A NATIONAL FAMILY

MEETING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( GRUNTS )

HEY, BUDDY.

HEY, BUDDY.

TAKE A LOAD OFF.

LISTEN.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD HAVE A LITTLE RAP SESSION HERE, YOU

KNOW, CONNECT, JUST SORT SOME STUFF OUT LIKE YOU'VE GOT TO DO

EVERY SO OFTEN.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY JUST A FATHER FIGURE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY REAL POWER AROUND HERE.

THAT'S WHY I'VE ALSO INVITED A FATHER FIGURE WHO HAS ACTUAL

AUTHORITY: YOUR POPS, JOE.

COME ON HERE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD TO SEE YOU, POPS.

IT'S SO IMPORTANT YOU DO THIS EVERY SO OFTEN.

IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO HAVE THESE MEETINGS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I KNOW.

THEY DON'T LISTEN ALL THE TIME, THOUGH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EXACTLY.

SO, LISTEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, SIT DOWN, FELLA.

SIT DOWN.

WE HAVE TO TALK.

YOU CAN'T CLAP YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS MEETING.

WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

( LAUGHTER ) >> HEY, CHAMP.

HOW YOU DOING?

>> Stephen: POPS AND I ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE SUDDEN

CHANGES.

WE KNOW YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE CHANGES THE FAMILY IS GOING

THROUGH.

>> HAPPENS TO EVERY FAMILY.

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, THIS TERRIBLE FEELING YOU'RE HAVING

RIGHT NOW?

IT'S NOT PERMANENT.

IT WILL BE OVER IN FOUR YEARS MAYBE EIGHT.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU KNOW THERE'S AN OLD

SAYING IN THIS FAMILY: LIFE IS LIKE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY, LIFE IS LIKE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK-- MAYBE

THE PENDULUM HAS SWUNG TO ONE SIDE, BUT IT WILL SWING BACK TO

THE OTHER.

>> POINT IS, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A NEWER CLOCK.

OR, BETTER YET, JUST LOOK AT YOUR PHONE.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TIME IS RIGHT ON

THERE.

HEY, BUDDY, WE'RE NOT DONE.

SIT DOWN.

OKAY, WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED.

DO YOU NEED SOME BUG SPRAY FOR THE ANTS IN YOUR PANTS.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A DAD JOKE.

GET USED TO IT.

LOOK, ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

>> LOOK, WE'RE NOT MAD.

WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED.

>> Stephen: I'M ACTUALLY MAD.

I'M ACTUALLY VERY MAD.

LOOK, WE OVERHEARD YOU USING SOME PRETTY SALTY LANGUAGE THE

OTHER DAY.

>> WE KNOW YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.

WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THOSE SWEAR WORDS FROM YOU-- "HOGWASH"

OR "BALONEY" OR "MALARKEY."

>> Stephen: JOE, JOE, WE'RE ON CBS.

THEY'RE GOING TO BLEEP HALF OF THAT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> I'M SORRY.

I'M SO GOSH DARN DISAPPOINTED-- ( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: THAT IS THE ANGRIEST I HAVE EVER SEEN THIS MAN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE YOU HAPPY?

LOOK WHAT YOU DID?

>> SORRY, I'M SORRY.

>> Stephen: LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO YOUR POP!

YOU MADE HIM SAY THE "D" WORD.

ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?

>> I THINK SO.

>> Stephen: LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO COME DOWN TOO HARD ON YOU,

BUDDY, I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S THE JOB OF YOUR CAD TO BE A BEST

FRIEND.

>> WELL, I DO, I DO.

LOOK, HERE ARE SOME LEFTOVER FIREWORKS.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM, I WANT YOU TO GO OUT, AND I WANT YOU TO

GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN, HAVE SOME FUN.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T-- YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, KIDDO, DON'T

THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED YOU'VE BEEN CUTTING SOME CORNERS WHEN

YOU'VE BEEN MOWING THE LAWN LATELY.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S A THING IN THIS FAMILY, THERE'S A SAYING IN THIS FAMILY,

OKAY: LIFE IS LIKE A GRANDFATHER

CLOCK-- >> NO, NO, WE ALREADY DID THAT.

WE ALREADY DID THAT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, THEN, WHAT'S

THE SAYING, POPS?

>> THE SAYING IS, "ANY JOB WORTH DOING IS WORTH DOING WELL."

>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST TO MOW THE

LAWN.

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SOMEBODY ELSE IS ABOUT TO GET THE JOB OF

MOWING THE LAWN AFTER YOU, EVEN THOUGH AS FAR AS YOU CAN TELL,

THAT PERSON HAS NEVER TOUCHED A LAWNMOWER IN HIS LIFE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, KID, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IS MOWING IT.

THE POINT IS, IT'S THE GREATEST LAWN IN THE WORLD.

AND NO MATTER OUR DIFFERENCES, WE'RE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS

UPKEEP.

AND I'VE GOT TO BELIEVE THAT IN THEIR HEART, THE NEXT MOWER IS--

IS GOING TO DO THE BEST THEY CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT LAWN, THAT

EVERYONE FEELS SAFE TO HAVE A PICNIC ON IT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL

METAPHOR.

( LAUGHTER ) >> METAPHOR?

METAPHOR, OKAY.

LOOK, I'M TALKING ABOUT MOWING THE LAWN.

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Stephen: SAME THING.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING.

LISTEN, BUDDY, JUST REMEMBER, WHEN YOU'RE DOING A JOB, ALWAYS

GIVE 110% AND ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR BOSS.

>> ESPECIALLY IF HE HAS THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD POINT.

LISTEN TO THIS MAN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S-- HERE'S 20 BUCKS.

GO HAVE SOME FUN.

>> HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT-- I NEED TO BORROW THAT 20

BUCKS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW-- I'M-- I'M LOSING MY JOB PRETTY SOON.

I'M LOSING MY JOB PRETTY SOON.

>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE LOSING YOUR JOB.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

( LAUGHTER ) SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

NEXT, POPS?

>> WELL, I'M GOING TO FOLLOW MY PASSION, YOU KNOW, SPEEDBOAT

RACING.

( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE DANGER, YOU KNOW.

AND YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, KID.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

SPEAKING OF LIFE, I THINK IT'S MAYBE TIME WE HAD "THE TALK."

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED!

UP HERE.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

PERFECTLY NATURAL.

POPS, TELL HIM ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

>> HERE'S THE DEAL-- THEY'RE DISAPPEARING AT AN ALARMING

RATE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

BOTH BIRDS AND BEE POPULATIONS.

THEY'RE PLUMMETING.

THEY'RE PLUMMETING.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD GET THOSE POPULATIONS BACK UP?

SEX.