I was nervous to get married because my husband wanted us to write our own wedding vows.

He has feelings.

I don't know how to express myself.

I was so nervous.

My wedding vows We're gonna be the most New York gangster vows.

I was so afraid I was gonna get up and be like, Yo, I didn't love you, son way.

God, I love you, my guy.

Way just chest bump.

I'm like, Let's do this.

A priest is like you may now dap the bride.

I'm like fax e Couldn't sleep last night, man.

I was just up three am chilling with my demons.

That's all it is, man.

I was like, What's up in securities?

Hey, procrastination.

Funny you'd be on time for this.

You're never doing anything productive.

That's the most frustrating thing.

If you're like me, you're just up rethinking conversations you had during the day and coming up with better responses.

You're on the Internet for the next 97 hours, looking at weird animal friendship videos, which are my favorite, by the way.

I love those videos.

I'm like a kitten and a monkey.

How they even meet.

I grew up watching both Latino television and American television, and I noticed the similarities.

A lot of the programs were similar.

It's just that Latinos we always gotta be extra.

We always gotta be actual.

It's like we looked at regular soap operas and we're like, You call that drama?

That's cute.

I'll show you Drama.

Yeah, right.

Everything's extra about what we do.

Like on American television.

They got Kelly and Ryan.

We got Guardiola Flocka.

That's right.

Okay, which translates to the fat man and the skinny woman.

Yeah, because who cares what their names are?

Married?

A good dude.

I got me in 1978 Caucasian?

Yeah.

Yeah, my husband's white.

That's what I try to tell you all.

He's not just white.

He is Midwest White.

Yeah, that's right.

That's organic, girl.

That iss who that is Farm to table white.

You all that?

I got duped by a lot of those dating APs because someone taught guys about high angles and filters, and now they're using our tricks against us.

Ladies, how's that gonna work, man?

Don't look like how I'm supposed to look.

You don't look like how you're supposed to look how we gonna find each other at this restaurant.

First white guy I dated was years ago.

He took me to his parents Lake house, and I was like, Oh, because that's when I found out white people buy houses that they don't live in.

Oh, it was like, That's money.

Money.

My favorite new game is lying to uber drivers about what I do for a living because I used to stupidly tell them the truth.

I tell him I'm a comedian, and then they'd be, like, say something funny.

But when I tell him I'm a stripper, no more questions.

So I stopped him because that's what you do when you like a guy.

Every woman in here.

No, she's part FBI agent.

That's right.

Soon as I had his full name, I launched a cyber investigation.

Do you know how hard it was when I met his family to pretend like I didn't know everything about them already?

I was so afraid then I was gonna say someone's name before they introduce themselves.

Yeah.

Hey, Mary.

Um, how you doing, girl?

I mean, hey, girl, what's your name?

How the renovations on the house going but supposed to know that my husband loves the fact that he's married a sassy Latina.

He loves to bring it up in conversation when it has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

Like Hey, guys, my wife's Puerto Rican Enjoy your meal.

I get it.

I mean, he's excited.

I'm the Onley Latin woman he's ever been with, so I'm his first.

He's not my first white guy.

I have.

Ah, I mean, with white guys before mainly to get information and take it back to my people.

Women are funny.

Your wife must have a sense of humor.

She's seeing you naked.

Uh, I don't like you.

Come back.

Do I call you or do I just commit a crime?

Probably committing a crime would get me to Ukraine.

This is me and my most inviting Thank you and good night.