Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON.

  • AHOY, CAPTAIN.

  • PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD.

  • LET ME SEE.

  • GET A LITTLE CLOSER.

  • WHAT DOES THAT HAT SAY NOW THAT IS A REALLY GOOD LOOK.

  • ARE YOU GETTING READY FOR MARDI GRAS?

  • IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

  • >> St>> Stephen: JON, CAN YOU GI ME A LITTLE SECOND LINE?

  • YOU CAN MATCH YOUR HAT WITH YOUR FINGERS?

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • >> Jon: OW!

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

  • YOU KNOW, I SPEND THE BULK OF MY DAY WHIPPING THE DAY'S BIGGEST

  • STORIES INTO AN EXQUISITELY FORMED TOPICAL MERINGUE BASE,

  • ADDING JUST A DROP OF NEWS-WORTHY EXTRACT, THEN

  • BAKING IT 'TIL IT'S PERFECTLY JIGGLY IN THE CENTER BEFORE

  • LAYERING IT WITH CHIFFON CAKE AND FLAWLESSLY VENEERING IT IN

  • BUTTERCREAM TO CRAFT YOU THE BESPOKE SEVEN-TIERED GATEAU THAT

  • IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I LIKE TO BLEND SOME EXPIRED EGGS

  • WITH A BAG OF SAWDUST, SCRAPE IN SOME OF MY WIFE'S CONGEALED

  • TOFFEE-BUTTER HAND CREAM, THROW IT ON A HOT CAR HOOD TO HARDEN

  • UP, AND THEN DECORATE IT WITH SOME DIRTY PENNIES I FOUND UNDER

  • THE COUCH TO CREATE THE HEALTH-CODE VIOLATING,

  • GAS-STATION POUND CAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • >> QUARANTINE-WHILE!

  • >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, YESTERDAY, MYANMAR WAS HIT WITH

  • A MILITARY COUP.

  • I KNOW, NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT, RIGHT?

  • WRONG.

  • BECAUSE A P.E. TEACHER STREAMED A WORKOUT VIDEO IN HER USUAL

  • SPOT ON THE MAIN ROAD OF THE CAPITAL AS THE COUP GOT

  • UNDERWAY RIGHT BEHIND HER.

  • THIS IS REAL, ACTUAL VIDEO THAT WE HAVE NOT TAMPERED WITH IN ANY

  • WAY: ♪ ♪ ♪

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ MAN, YOU THINK YOUR PELOTON

  • COACH IS INTENSE.

  • THAT IS A VERY DEDICATED AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR.

  • "AND FOUR AND THREE AND OCCUPY THE PARLIAMENT!

  • I SEE YOU SLACKING, CINDY!

  • THIS GOVERNMENT ISN'T GOING TO OVERTHROW ITSELF, OKAY?

  • YOU GOT TO WANT IT!" I COULD WATCH THAT ALL DAY.

  • COULD WE WATCH IT AGAIN?

  • COULD WE WATCH IT AGAIN?

  • JIM, PLAY IT AGAIN.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

  • QUARANTINE WHILE, UP TO 100 PEOPLE WHO TOOK PART IN AN

  • ILLEGAL ORANGEY IN FRANCE HAVE BEEN SLAPPED BY FINDS.

  • SAID ONE PARTICIPANT, "OKAY BY ME DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU'RE

  • SLAPPING.

  • THE MAIN REASON TO SHUT IT DOWN IS IT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN

  • P.M.

  • AND 6:00 A.M., AND, ACCORDING TO AN INVESTIGATOR, "THE EVENT WAS

  • IN BREACH OF THE CURFEW... AND THERE WERE ALSO PROBLEMS WITH

  • MASKS AND SOCIAL DISTANCING."

  • WELL... YEAH.

  • IF YOU'RE ABLE TO ENGAGE IN AN ORGY FROM MORE THAN SIX FEET

  • AWAY, CONGRATULATIONS!

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK, AND ALREADY RIVAL

  • MOVIES ABOUT THE GAMESTOP STOCK MARKET EVENTS ARE BEING RUSHED

  • INTO PRODUCTION.

  • OOH!

  • THE MINUTE WE FIND OUT WHICH ONE HOLLYWOOD THINKS IS MOST LIKELY

  • TO SUCCEED, LET'S ALL BUY TICKETS TO THE OTHER ONE.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU HAD TO POSTPONE YOUR WEDDING DUE TO

  • COVID, SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT THIS STORY'S FOR YOU, BECAUSE

  • THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU CAN GET MARRIED AT A DUNKIN'

  • DRIVE-THROUGH.

  • PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, "MY WEDDING JUST WON'T

  • BE COMPLETE WITHOUT AN OFF-DUTY CONSTRUCTION CREW YELLING AT ME

  • TO HURRY THE HELL UP."

  • AND DON'T FORGET THEIR MOTTO ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT: "AMERICA

  • HUMPS ON DUNKIN'."

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ZENDAYA.

  • ( HUMMING )

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it