WELCOME TO A LATE SHOW.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的節目史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

BUC, YEAH!

BUC，YEAH！

THAT'S FINE.

這很好。

BUT MAYBE DON'T PUSH IT.

但是，也許不要推動它。

OKAY.

好的。

FOLKS, LAST NIGHT WE WERE ALL WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL.

夥計們，昨晚我們都在看超級碗。

YOU KNOW WHO WON, MY HALF COOKED CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE.

你知道是誰贏了，我的半熟巧克力奶酥。

IF YOU'VE NEVER DONE A SOUFFLE, IT'S BASICALLY JUST EGGS.

如果你從來沒有做過蛋餅，它基本上只是雞蛋。

ONE MINUTE MAKES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LUSH LAVA CENTER AND A

LUSH LAVA CENTER和LUSH LAVA CENTER的區別在於一分鐘。

NERF.

NERF：

I MADE A NERF CAKE.

我做了一個呆子蛋糕。

BUT IN LARGER SENSE, LAST NIGHT, NO MALL AT THIS WON.

但在更大的意義上，昨晚，沒有商場在此獲勝。

I'M NOT SAYING THINGS ARE ALL NORMAL NOW JUST BECAUSE THERE

我不是說現在一切都正常，只是因為有

WAS A SUPER BOWL, BUT THERE WAS SOME NORMAL MIXED IN WITH OUR

是一個超級碗，但也有一些正常的混合在我們的。

WEIRD!

詭異！

TOM BRADY WON: NORMAL!

TOM BRADY贏了，NORMAL！

FOR TAMPA BAY: THAT'S WEIRD.

這是奇怪的。

THERE WERE 25,000 FANS IN THE SEATS: NORMAL.

座位上有25000名球迷：正常。

THERE WERE 30,000 CARDBOARD CUTOUTS IN THE SEATS: THAT'S

座椅上有3萬張卡紙釦子，那是什麼？

WEIRD.

怪異。

THE WEEKND PERFORMED A HALF-TIME SHOW: NORMAL!

週末表演了半天的節目。NORMAL！

HE GOT STUCK INSIDE A TOASTER OVEN: WEIRD!

他被卡在了烤爐裡，怪怪的!

OUR EMOTIONS WERE MANIPULATED BY AMERICA'S COMMERCIAL-INDUSTRIAL

我們的情緒被美國的商業工業所操控。

COMPLEX: NORMAL!

複雜：正常！

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WAS IN A JEEP COMMERCIAL: THAT'S UNUSUAL.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN在JEEP的商業廣告中：這是不尋常的。

HE WAS IN KANSAS IN THE WINTER IN A JEEP WITH THE TOP DOWN.

他冬天在堪薩斯州開著一輛吉普車，車頂向下。

THAT IS WEIRD, BRUCE!

真奇怪，布魯斯！

YOU'RE 71, YOU CAN'T TAKE A 10TH AVENUE FREEZE-OUT

你已經71歲了，你不能承受10大道的凍結。

AT YOUR AGE!

在你的年齡！

I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT!

我甚至不能說它！

LISTEN TO THE TONE OF MY VOICE, HOW PANICKED I AM!

聽聽我的聲音，我是多麼的挑剔!

THIS IS NOT ACTING, THIS IS JUST HOW I TALK NOW!

這不是演戲，這只是我現在說話的方式！

( SCREECHING ) ONE THING, DOC SAYS I SHOULD

（尖叫）一件事，DOC說，我應該。

DRINK DECAF.

喝迪卡夫。

I'M GETTING A NEW DOC.

我得到一個新的博士。

ONE THING THAT WAS NOT NORMAL BUT WAS BEAUTIFUL, WAS THE

有一件不正常但很美麗的事情，就是...

PRE-GAME PERFORMANCE FROM THE BREAKOUT STAR OF JOE BIDEN'S

JOE BIDEN'S的突破性明星的賽前表演。

INAUGURATION, POET AMANDA GORMAN, WHO RECITED AN

在就職典禮上，詩人阿曼達-戈爾曼朗誦了一首詩。

ORIGINAL POEM.

原創詩：

IT WAS THE MOST EXCITING PRE-GAME POETRY RECITAL SINCE

這是最激動人心的賽前詩歌朗誦，自從...

ROBERT FROST KICKED OFF THE ACTION AT SUPER BOWL 1.

羅伯特・弗羅斯特在超級碗第一場比賽中拉開了序幕。

>> WHOSE WOODS THESE ARE I THINK I KNOW.

>> 這些木頭是誰的，我想我知道。

HIS HOUSE IS IN THE VILLA-- OH!

他的房子在別墅裡 -- 哦！

>> Stephen: I THINK HE VAPORIZED HIM.

>> 我想他把他蒸發了。

JUST BONE AND DANDRUFF!

只是骨頭和丹露夫！

WHILE THE TEAMS DID THEIR BEST TO MAKE THE GAME ITSELF

雖然各隊都盡了最大努力讓比賽變得更精彩

SAFE-ISH, THE AFTERPARTY ON THE STREETS OF TAMPA WAS A DIFFERENT

譚帕街頭的 "SAFE-ISH "餘興派對是不同的。

STORY.

故事。

BECAUSE FOLLOWING THE BUCS' BLOWOUT VICTORY, HORDES OF

因為在BUCS的大勝之後，大批的...

MASKLESS FANS PARTIED HEARTY, IN A DISPLAY THAT CAN ONLY BE

裸體粉絲狂歡，在展示中只能是一個 "不戴面具 "的人，而不是一個 "不戴面具 "的人。

DESCRIBED AS "FLORIDA."

描述為 "佛羅里達州"

BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC STILL RAGES ACROSS THE NATION.

因為恐慌症仍在全國範圍內肆虐。

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A

我將在今晚的 "捉迷藏 "節目中告訴你。

THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

第三波：無盡的繁榮。"

♪♪♪ ♪ OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE

越過河道，穿過河流

WOODS TO GRANDMOTHER'S LUNGS WE GO ♪

木頭到祖母的肺，我們走了。

DON'T WANNA BE LATE.

不想遲到。

SHE MIGHT VACCINATE.

她可能會打針。

I GOTTA GET INTO HER NOSE!

我一定要進入她的鼻子！

( LAUGHTER ) WAIT.

（笑）等待。

I HIT HIM THE FIRST SHOT?

我第一槍就打中了他？

>> YEAH.

>> 是的。

>> Stephen: THIS IS -- I CAN THINK OF VERY FEW THINGS THAT

>> 斯蒂芬：這是 -- 我想很少有事情是這樣的。

ARE LESS COVID SAFE -- ( SNEEZING )

是少COVID安全 - （SNEEZING）。

THAN A BLOW DART!

比一支吹箭！

THIS IS FANTASTIC.

這是夢幻般的。

>> NO.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: IT IS!

>> 史蒂芬: 是的!

PEOPLE ARE FINALLY GETTING VACCINATED, BUT IT'S

人們終於得到了真空，但它是。

STILL A RACE AGAINST THE CLOCK, BECAUSE A NEW COVID VARIANT

仍然是一場與時間賽跑的比賽，因為一個新的COVID變種。

FIRST FOUND IN BRITAIN IS NOW SPREADING RAPIDLY IN THE

英國的首次發現目前在英國迅速蔓延。

U.S.

美國

IT'S THE BIGGEST HEALTH HAZARD SINCE THE 1960'S BRITISH

這是20世紀60年代以來英國最大的健康危害。

INVASION OF CHAD AND CHLAMYDIA HERMAN'S HERPES.

查德和克拉米亞赫普斯的入侵。

RESEARCHERS BELIEVE THE NEW STRAIN GOT HERE THANKS TO PEOPLE

研究人員相信，新菌種在這裡得到了感謝的人。

TRAVELING FROM BRITAIN ON THANKSGIVING.

從英國旅行在感恩節。

YES, TRAVELERS FROM BRITAIN BROUGHT CATASTROPHIC DISEASES TO

是的，來自英國的旅行者將災難性的疾病帶到了這裡。

AMERICA IN LATE MOVEMENT LIKE THE FIRST THANKSGIVING.

美國在後期的動作像第一次感恩節。

BUT THERE IS SOME PROMISING PANDEMIC NEWS.

但是，有一些有希望的PANDEMIC新聞。

LAST WEEK, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,THE NUMBER OF COVID-19

上週，有史以來第一次出現了COVID-19的數量。

VACCINES GIVEN OUT OUTNUMBERED NEW COVID CASES 10 TO 1.

接種的疫苗數量比新接種的疫苗數量多10倍。

YES!

是！

WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END OF THE PANDEMIC, I CAN ALMOST TASTE

我們是如此接近結束的PANDEMIC，我幾乎可以品嚐到

THOSE DOORKNOBS I'M GOING TO LICK!

這些門球我要去舔！

THAT'S NOT ALL THE GOOD NEWS.

這不是所有的好消息。

VACCINE DISTRIBUTION IS LOOKING SO PROMISING THAT PRESIDENT

疫苗分配情況如此樂觀，以至於總統都不知道。

BIDEN IS UPPING HIS "100 MILLION VACCINATIONS IN HIS FIRST 100

BIDEN正在提高他的 "第一個100萬例疫苗接種"。

DAYS" GOAL TO 150 MILLION, AN INCREASE OF 50%.

天 "的目標到1.5億，增加了50%。

AND TO CELEBRATE, HE'S ALSO UPPING HIS ICE CREAM DOSAGE BY

為了慶祝，他還將他的冰激凌劑量提高到

50%.

50%.

ONE REASON FOR BIDEN'S OPTIMISM IS THAT LAST WEEK, JOHNSON AND

比登樂觀的一個原因是，上週，約翰遜和。

JOHNSON APPLIED FOR EMERGENCY APPROVAL OF WHAT WOULD BE THE

JOHNSON申請緊急準許將是什麼？

WORLD' FIRST ONE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.

世界上第一個一針冠狀病毒疫苗。

THEY'VE ALREADY GOT A SLOGAN AND SPOKESMAN READY FOR IT.

他們已經準備好了語言學家和演講者

>> AT JOHNSON AND JOHNSON, WE REC NICE THAT IS --

>>在約翰遜和約翰遜，我們發現好的是 --

♪ YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT ♪ ♪ DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE TO

你只有一次機會，不要錯過你的機會，以

BLOW ♪ ♪ THIS OPPORTUNITY COMES ONCE IN

吹這個機會是一次在。

A LIFETIME.

一生一世。

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, DR. SHADY.

>> 謝謝你，博士。SHADY： 謝謝你，博士。

AT THIS POINT, FIVE SEPARATE VACCINES HAVE GONE THROUGH

此時此刻，五種不同的疫苗已經通過了。

PUBLIC TRIALS, WITH EXCITING RESULTS: OF THE ROUGHLY 75,000

公開審判，結果令人振奮：對大約75,000人的審判。

PEOPLE WHO HAVE RECEIVED ONE OF THE FIVE IN A RESEARCH TRIAL

接受過五項研究試驗之一的人。

NOT A SINGLE PERSON HAS DIED FROM COVID.

沒有一個人死於COVID。

75,000 SHOTS AND NO DEATHS?

75,000次射擊，沒有死亡？

THOSE ARE "STORMTROOPERS SHOOTING AT LUKE SKYWALKER"

那些是 "暴風雪部隊向盧克-斯凱克射擊"

NUMBERS.

數目：

NOW THAT MULTIPLE VACCINES ARE ON THE MARKET, BRITISH

現在，多種疫苗已經上市，英國人也開始了他們的生活。

RESEARCHERS HAVE STARTED EXPERIMENTING, MIXING DOSES OF

研究人員已經開始試驗，混合劑量的

THE PFIZER AND ASTRAZENECA SHOTS IN A WORLD FIRST.

PFIZER和ASTRAZENECA拍攝的世界第一。

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW TO MIX THEM, JUST REMEMBER:

如果你想知道如何混合它們，只要記住：

"ASTRAZENECA BEFORE PFIZER GREAT APPETIZER.

"ASTRAZENECA BEFORE PFIZER GREAT APETIZER.

PFIZER BEFORE ASTRAZENECA INJECT IT AGAIN-ECA."

PFIZER BEFORE ASTRAZENECA INJECT IT AGAIN-ECA。"

SPEAKING OF ONGOING PLAGUES, TODAY WAS DAY ONE OF THE FORMER

說到正在進行的排隊，今天是前排隊的第一天。

PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

對總統的不公正審判：

I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT'S DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO

今晚的《唐與巨無霸2》中，我將與你相見。

FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS.

快，我們很憤怒。

>> WE HAD AN ELECTION THAT WAS STOLEN FROM US.

>> 我們的選舉被人偷走了。

IT WAS A LANDSLIDE ELECTION EVERYONE KNOWS IT, ESPECIALLY

這是一場滑行選舉，所有人都知道，特別是...

THE OTHER SIDE.

另一面：

I'M IN VERY, VERY BAD SHAPE.

我在非常，非常糟糕的形狀。

THOSE LEGS HAVE GOTTEN VERY THIN.

這些腿已經變得很瘦了。

>> STEPHEN: THE ACTUAL ARGUMENTS DON'T START UNTIL TOMORROW.

>> 真正的爭論要到明天才開始。

TODAY, THE SENATE TALKED ABOUT THE FIRST STEP OF THE TRIAL: ITS

今天，參議院談到了審判的第一步：它的

RULES.

規則：

SO FAR, THEY'VE AGREED TO NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE.

到目前為止，他們已經同意沒有襯衫，沒有鞋子，沒有服務。

THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS SUBMITTED THEIR BRIEFS EARLIER

前任主席的律師較早提交了書狀。

TODAY, LAYING OUT THEIR ARGUMENT THAT THE GUY DIDN'T DO THE THING

今天，奠定了他們的論點，這傢伙沒有做的事情，

WE ALL SAW HIM DO.

我們都看到他這樣做。

THEY CLAIM HE USED THE WORD "FIGHT" A LITTLE MORE THAN A

他們聲稱他用了 "戰鬥 "這個詞，比一個詞多了一點。

HANDFUL OF TIMES AND EACH TIME IN THE FIGURATIVE SENSE.

HANDFULO OF TIME AND EACHING TIME IN THE FIGATIVE SENSE。

BUT ACTUALLY, HE USED THE WORDS "FIGHT" OR "FIGHTING" AT LEAST

但實際上，他至少使用了 "戰鬥 "或 "戰鬥 "這兩個詞。

20 TIMES.

20次。

THAT'S FOUR HANDFULS!

那是四隻手！

PROBABLY MORE WITH THOSE TINY HANDS.

可能會更多，用這些小手。

REMEMBER WHEN WE JUST MADE FUN OF HIS LITTLE HANDS INSTEAD

記得當我們只是取笑他的小手，而不是。

OF HIS ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY DEMOCRACY?

他企圖破壞民主制度？

I MISS NONE OF THAT.

我一點也不想念。

AND IF YOU THOUGHT THERE'S NO WAY FOR A LEGAL DOCUMENT TO BE

如果你認為法律文件不可能是......"。

CATTY, GET OUT A SAUCER OF MILK BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG.

凱蒂，拿一壺牛奶出來，因為你錯了。

IN THE FILING, IT REFERS TO PRESIDENT BIDEN MERELY AS

在文件中，它僅指比登主席。

"FORMER VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN."

"前副總統比登。"

OKAY, IF HE'S GOING TO REFER TO BIDEN AS "FORMER VICE

好吧，如果他要把比登稱為 "前副總統"，那就好了。

PRESIDENT," I'M GOING TO REFER TO HIM AS "FORMER GRIMACE

主席，"我將稱他為 "前格雷姆斯"。

CO-STAR."

CO-STAR。"

WHAT A WEIRD, BRIGHTLY-COLORED FAST-FOOD ADVERTISEMENT.

多麼奇怪的，色彩鮮豔的快餐廣告。

ALSO, GRIMACE!

還有，GRIMACE！

LAST WEEK, WE HAD SOME FUN WHEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS

上週，我們在前總統的律師那裡得到了一些樂趣。

SUBMITTED A DOCUMENT WITH A GLARING TYPO.

提交了一份打字清晰的文件。

AND THEY'RE NOTHING IF NOT CONSISTENTLY STUPID, BECAUSE

他們不是一貫的愚蠢，因為...

THIS NEW DOCUMENT MAKES THE EXACT SAME ERROR, SAYING: THAT

這篇新的文件製造了同樣的錯誤，說：該

THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH WAS NOT AN ATTEMPT TO "OVERTHROW THE

主席的演辭並非試圖 "推翻政府"。

UNITES STATES GOVERNMENT."

美國政府。"

OF COURSE, IT ISN'T THE "UNITES" STATES.

當然，這不是 "聯合國 "國家。

WHAT IS IT AGAIN?

又是什麼？

>> UNITED SHHSTUHH.

>> 聯合SHHSTUHH。

>> STEPHEN: YESH.

>> 是的。

DESPITE BEING IMPEACHED, THE FORMER MAILORDER MEAT SALESMAN

儘管受到指責，但前郵差肉品銷售員

IS DOING GREAT.

是做大。

ACCORDING TO FORMER CAMPAIGN ADVISER AND ELF TELLING HERMEY

據前競選顧問及ELF講述HERMEY的意見

HE CAN'T BE A DENTIST, JASON MILLER.

他不能當牙醫，JASON MILLER。

MILLER CLAIMS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS HAPPIER NOW THAT

苗學禮聲稱前任總統現在很幸福

HE'S OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.

他是關閉的社交媒體。

WOW.

WOW。

THAT MAKES SEVEN BILLION OF US.

這使得美國的七十億。

THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE UNITED THE WORLD IN JOY MORE

唯一能讓世界在歡樂中團結起來的東西

THAN HIS TWITTER BAN WOULD'VE BEEN "BABY YODA PRESENTS: THE

他的微博禁令應該是 "BABY YODA PRESENTS."。嬰孩YODA PRESENTS: THE

DEEP-FRIED VACCINE ORGASM."

DEEP-FRIED VACCINE ORGASM。"

FEATURING UNLIKELY ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS.

特色是不常見的動物友誼。

YES, HE'S 50.

是的，他是50歲。

IT'S OKAY.

它的確定。

MILLER EXPLAINED, "HE'S SAID THAT NOT BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA,

米勒解釋說："他說過，不在社交媒體上。

AND NOT BEING SUBJECT TO THE HATEFUL ECHO CHAMBER THAT SOCIAL

不受社會上的仇視性呼聲中心的影響。

MEDIA TOO FREQUENTLY BECOMES, HAS ACTUALLY BEEN GOOD."

媒體太頻繁地成為，已經實際是好的。"

OKAY.

好的。

THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE YOUR EX'S BEST FRIEND CLAIMING HE'S

這聽起來有點像你的前男友的最好的朋友 聲稱他是。

HAPPIER WITHOUT YOU.

沒有你更快樂。

"OH, YEAH, TONY'S DOING GREAT.

"哦，是的，TONY做的很好。

HE'S LOST THE WEIGHT.

他失去了重量。

WORKING OUT MORE.

工作了更多。

YEAH.

是的。

HE'S DATING THIS HOT MODEL, WHO HE WOULD NEVER DUMP FOR YOU EVEN

他在和這個性感的模特約會，他絕對不會為你放棄，即使是

IF YOU WANTED HIM BACK, UNLESS YOU WANTED HIM BACK.

如果你想讓他回來，除非你想讓他回來。

DO YOU WANT HIM BACK?

你想讓他回來嗎？

NO?

沒有？

GOOD, 'CUZ HE'S GREAT!" IS THAT WHAT HE SAYS?

很好，因為他很棒！"他是這麼說的嗎？

KNOTTING?

打結？

OKAY.

好的。

MILLER ADDS THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S NEW FOUND

MILLER補充說，前總統的新基金會的成員

CONTENTMENT IS SOMETHING THE FIRST LADY HAS BACKED UP AS

內容是第一夫人所備份的東西，作為。

WELL.

好吧。

SHE HAS SAID SHE LOVES IT.

她說她愛它。

WELL, SURE.

好吧，當然。

IT'S THE ONLY PROGRESS SHE'S EVER MADE IN HER CAMPAIGN

這是她在競選中取得的唯一進展。

AGAINST CYBERBULLYING.

反對網絡欺凌。

TURNS OUT "BE BEST" SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN "BE BANNED."

原來 "最好 "應該是 "被禁"。

AND IT'S NOT JUST GETTING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.

它不僅僅是得到了社交媒體。

MILLER CLAIMS THAT THE FAILED CASINO OWNER IS HAPPY TO BE FREE

苗圃聲稱失敗的賭場老闆很高興能自由。

OF THE BURDENS OF THE OFFICE EXPLAINING THAT RETIREMENT IS

職務負擔的影響 解釋退休的原因

"THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS THAT I SAW THE PRESIDENT TRULY

"這是我多年來第一次看到主席的真實面目。

RELAXED."

放鬆了。"

YES, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS, HE'S FREE OF ALL THE

是的，四年來第一次，他擺脫了所有的。

PRESSING DECISIONS THAT KEPT HIM UP AT NIGHT: HANNITY OR DOBBS,

迫使他晚上不睡覺的決定：漢尼迪或杜伯斯。

2-IRON OR DRIVER, CHICKEN BUCKET OR TACO BOWL.

2-IRON OR DRIVER, CHICKEN BUCKET OR TACO BOWL.

CHICKEN BOWL TACO BUCKET?

CHICKEN BOWL TACO BUCKET？

SO MANY OPTIONS.

這麼多的選擇。

BUT IF HE'S THIS RELAXED BY THREE WEEKS OUT OF OFFICE,

但是，如果他的這種放鬆 通過三個星期的辦公室，

IMAGINE HOW SERENE HE WOULD BE IF HE COULD NEVER HOLD OFFICE

想象一下，如果他永遠不能擔任職務，他將是多麼的SERENE。

AGAIN.

再一次。

SENATE REPUBLICANS, THINK OF HIS HAPPINESS.

參議院的共和黨人，想想他的幸福。

SOME PEOPLE ARE ALREADY BEING PUNISHED FOR THEIR ROLE IN THE

有些人已經因為他們在事件中的角色而受到懲罰。

ASSAULT ON THE CAPITOL.

襲擊首都：

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST DETAILS IN TONIGHT'S SEDITIONIST

我將為你提供最新的細節，在今晚的SEDITIONIST。

ROUND-UP ROUNDUP.

圍棋圍棋。

>> SAY, CLEM, GUANTANA, MOO!

>> 說，CLEM，關塔那，MOO！

>> Stephen: THE LATEST TO BE ARRESTED BY THE

>> 史蒂芬: 最遲被警方逮捕的人是誰？

F.B.I. IS CAPITOL RIOTER AND MAN WITH A REFRESHINGLY HONEST

F.B.I.是首都暴動者，也是一個誠實的人。

TINDER PROFILE PIC, SAM FISCHER.

TINDER簡介圖片，SAM FISCHER。

WHEN HE'S NOT TRYING TO OVERTHROW DEMOCRACY, FISCHER IS

當他不試圖推翻民主制度的時候，FISCHER是：

A SELF-STYLED MANHATTAN DATING COACH WHO GOES BY THE NAME "BRAD

一個自詡為曼哈頓約會教練的 "布拉德"。

HOLIDAY."

HOLIDAY。"

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR DATING COACH NAME: YOU CHOOSE

因為這就是你如何得到你的約會教練的名字。你選擇

ANY FIRST NAME, AND THE FAMILY GATHERING YOU'RE NOW BANNED FROM

任何一個名字，你現在被禁止參加家族聚會。

BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT A GUN LAST TIME.

因為你上次帶了一把槍。

FISCHER'S VIDEO COLLECTION SUGGESTS A FIERCE DEVOTION TO A

FISCHER的視頻集暗示了對一個人的強烈渴望。

HYPERMASCULINE ETHOS AND FEATURED ADVICE ABOUT THINGS

優秀的精神和對事物的特色建議。

LIKE THE BEST FACIAL SERUMS.

喜歡最好的面部服務。

IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS TEDDY ROOSEVELT QUOTE, "SPEAK

這讓我想起了著名的TEDDY ROOSEVELT的一句話："說吧！

SOFTLY AND USE RETINOL AROUND THE EYES!

輕輕地在眼睛周圍使用RETINOL!

REMEMBER UP, ALWAYS UP!" NOW, FISCHER IS IN FEDERAL

記住，永遠向上！"現在，FISCHER已經進入了聯邦調查局

CUSTODY, BUT SOME OF THE SEDITIONISTS ARE GETTING OFF

但有些受訓者正在脫身。

PRETTY EASY.

很容易。

FOR INSTANCE, ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED THAT A WOMAN

上週五，一名聯邦法官裁定，一名婦女必須要有足夠的時間來完成她的任務。

CHARGED IN US CAPITOL RIOT CAN TAKE A TRIP TO MEXICO.

在美國首都暴亂中被指控的人可以去墨西哥旅行。

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

這是可怕的。

YOU CAN'T LET HER GO ON VACATION.

你不能讓她去度假。

SHE'S A FLIGHT RISK.

她是一個飛行風險。

BECAUSE THERE'S A PANDEMIC AND I SERIOUSLY DOUBT SHE'S GOING TO

因為有一個氾濫成災，我真的很懷疑她要去。

WEAR A MASK ON THAT FLIGHT!

戴上口罩的飛行！

THE RIOTER IN QUESTION IS NAMED JENNY LOUISE CUDD, WHO SOUGHT

問題中的暴徒名叫珍妮-路易斯-庫德，他在尋找...

PERMISSION FOR HER MEXICO GETAWAY FOR A "WORK-RELATED

她因 "工作關係 "而獲准在墨西哥度假。

BONDING RETREAT" WITH HER EMPLOYEES AND THEIR SPOUSES.

與她的僱員及其配偶的 "親情之旅"。

THIS HAS GOTTA SUCK FOR HER EMPLOYEES AND THEIR SPOUSES.

這一定要為她的僱員和他們的配偶感到難過。

"HEY HONEY, GREAT NEWS!

"嘿嘿，親愛的，好消息!

JENNY GOT ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING CONGRESS, SO WE WON'T HAVE TO

JENNY因襲擊國會而被捕，所以我們不用再去了。

SPEND THE WHOLE MEXICO TRIP LEARNING HOW TO SAY 'STOP THE

花整個墨西哥之行，學習如何說 "停止"。