TOPICAL 24 KARAT NEWS GOLD INTO TWO PERFECTLY MATCHED HEART

SHAPES, CRAFTING A CUSTOM HINGE AND A CLASP TO JOIN THEM, AND

CAREFULLY CUTTING AND INSERTING THE MOST CURRENT DAGUERROTYPES

IN IT TO CREATE THE VICTORIAN-ERA SWEETHEART LOCKET

OF STORIES THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES I SNAP AWAKE IN A COLD SWEAT, REALIZING I'VE

FORGOTTEN VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING, RUMMAGE THROUGH THE

PANTRY FOR A BOX OF NOODLES I BOUGHT TO STOCK UP FOR HURRICANE

SANDY, HASTILY TRIM THEM INTO SHAPE WITH SOME RUSTY GARDEN

SHEARS, AND STRING 'EM ONTO THE BLOOD STAINED SHOELACE FROM A

BOOT I SALVAGED ON THE HIGHWAY TO CREATE FOR YOU THE ACCURS-ED

MACARONI NECKLACE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> QUARANTINEWHILE!

>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, UTAH THEME PARK "EVERMORE PARK"

IS SUING TAYLOR SWIFT OVER HER 'EVERMORE' ALBUM TITLE.

WHEREAS "I" AM SUING TAYLOR SWIFT OVER HER 'EVERMORE' ALBUM

MAKING ME FEEL TOO MANY FEELINGS.

THIS PANDEMIC IS EMOTIONAL ENOUGH WITHOUT A STIRRING

MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER MARJORIE, TAY-TAY!

DON'T YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!

THOUGH I GOTTA SAY, THE LAWSUIT I EXPECTED AGAINST TAYLOR WOULD

BE FROM SWIFT BRAND SAUSAGES.

AND NOT JUST FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, HER SONG "I DON'T

WANNA LIVE FOREVER" IS A CLEAR AND DEFAMATORY REFERENCE TO

SWIFT CHEEZY BRATS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A MAN IN CHICAGO HAD A STROKE OF GOOD

LUCK WHEN THE $22,000 FLUTE HE LOST ON THE TRAIN TURNED UP IN A

PAWN SHOP.

"OH. GOOD.

THE FLUTE'S BACK."

SAID THE FLUTE OWNER'S ROOMMATE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU THOUGHT WORKING FOR AMAZON ALREADY

SUCKED, FOR SOME TIME NOW AMAZON WAREHOUSES NATIONWIDE HAVE HAD A

10-HOUR GRAVEYARD SHIFT, "THAT RUNS FROM 1:20 A.M. TO 11:50

A.M.," KNOWN AS THE "MEGACYCLE."

OKAY, LET'S JUST AGREE JEFF BEZOS HAS GONE FULL

SUPERVILLAIN.

(AS CREEPY VILLAIN) "THE CARBON BASED WORKERS ARE

STILL ALIVE?

HAVE WE TRIED... THE MEGACYCLE?" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A 90-YEAR-OLD

AT&T USER PAID FOR A "WALL STREET JOURNAL" AD TO TELL THE

C.E.O. OF AT&T THAT HIS INTERNET SUCKS."

DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE HAS TO BE FOR

SOMEONE TO PAY FOR AN AD IN THE JOURNAL?

THAT'S LIKE FILING A COMPLAINT AGAINST YOUR BANK VIA SKYWRITER.

YES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH QUEEN LATIFAH.

♪♪♪