- Like your actual urine?

- 像你的真實尿液？

- Pissed in a cup and swallowed it.

- 在杯子裡撒了一泡尿，然後吞了下去。

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

- Hey guys, welcome to Stir Crazy.

- 嘿，夥計們，歡迎來到 "瘋狂攪拌"。

The show that a global pandemic willed into existence.

節目中，全球流行病將成。

My guest today is an actor,

我今天的嘉賓是一位演員。

comedian, and the next host of the Ellen DeGeneres Show.

喜劇演員，也是艾倫-德傑尼勒斯秀的下一任主持人。

It's the host of the Eric Andre Show, Eric Andre.

這是埃裡克-安德烈節目的主持人，埃裡克-安德烈。

- What's up

- 什麼事

- (laughs) That's what the kids say now, right?

- (笑)現在的孩子都這麼說，對吧？

Wassup?

Wassup?

- How are you at me?

- 你對我怎麼樣？

Me likey.

我喜歡。

- Me likey seeing you, sir.

- 我想見到你，先生。

I'm relieved that I feel

我鬆了一口氣，我覺得

like you're Pavlovian response.

就像你的巴甫洛夫式的反應。

When you hear it's the Eric Andre Show

當你聽到是埃裡克-安德烈秀的時候。

should be to destroy things,

應該是毀滅事物。

but you're not doing that.

但你沒有這樣做。

Thank you.

謝謝你了

- No, I'm off the clock.

- 不，我不上班了。

I'm very old now.

我現在已經很老了。

The show aged me.

這個節目讓我老了。

- By the way, is this your apartment?

- 對了，這是你的公寓嗎？

Your apartment looks remarkably like

你的公寓看起來非常像

a coffee shop in Los Angeles.

洛杉磯的一家咖啡店。

- I'm going to get my bathroom redone

- 我打算把我的浴室重新裝修一下。

so I'm like homeless during the day.

所以我就像白天無家可歸。

I'm a wanderer.

我是一個流浪者。

I'm a drifter.

我是個流浪漢。

I'm a loner.

我是一個孤獨的人。

Dottie a rebel.

多蒂是個叛逆者。

Get a bio danke schoen.

獲取生物danke schoen。

Alone from night to night, ya find me?

一個人從晚上到晚上，你能找到我嗎？

Damn.

該死的。

Papa's got a brand new bag. (chuckles)

爸爸有一個全新的包。（笑聲）

- Oh no.

- 哦，不。

The meds have kicked in or they've run out?

藥效發作了還是用完了？

What happened?

怎麼了？

(both laugh)

（兩者笑）

- The SSRIs are long gone.

- SSRIs早已不復存在。

- I hear you've been making

- 我聽說你一直在做

a lot of cocktails in quarantine.

隔離區裡有很多雞尾酒。

I've got my stash here.

我把我的藏品藏在這裡。

Can you walk me through making

你能指導我如何製作

a delicious-- - Well what do ya got?

好吃的... ...你有什麼發現？

What ingredients you got?

你有什麼原料？

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

- I got some mescal here.

- 我這裡有一些麥斯卡爾酒。

I got some tequila, juices.

我有一些龍舌蘭酒，果汁。

I got orange and grapefruit.

我有橙子和柚子。

I got some limes.

我有一些萊姆。

I got gin, whiskey, campari, vodka.

我有杜松子酒，威士忌，卡巴里酒，伏特加。

- You can make a Paloma.

- 你可以做一個帕洛瑪。

Do you have a jigger?

你有跳跳機嗎？

- [Host] I don't have a jigger.

- 我沒有跳跳虎。

I'm a novice man.

我是個新手

- Two ounces of tequila.

- 兩盎司的龍舌蘭酒。

1.25 ounces of grapefruit juice.

1.25盎司的葡萄柚汁。

We'll do 0.75 lime.

我們將做0.75的石灰。

0.75 simple syrup.

0.75元糖漿。

- [Host] Any Bailey's?

- [主持人]有貝利酒嗎？

I've got Bailey's here.

我這裡有貝利的。

Should I add that to it?

要不要加進去？

- No, Bailey's necessary.

- 不，貝利是必要的。

No gold Schlagger.

沒有金子施拉格。

Club soda.

蘇打水俱樂部。

- Are you a happy drunk or an angry drunk?

- 你是快樂的醉漢還是憤怒的醉漢？

What kind of a drunk are you?

你是什麼樣的酒鬼？

- I'd say rum, happy drunk,

- 我想說朗姆酒，幸福的醉。

tequila, crazy drunk.

龍舌蘭酒，瘋狂的醉。

Vodka regular drunk,

伏特加普通醉。

whiskey angry drunk.

威士忌生氣的醉。

- Do you ever drink

- 你喝過酒嗎？

while doing the Eric Andre Show

在做埃裡克-安德烈節目的時候

or is that a bad idea?

還是這是個壞主意？

- No, just coffee.

- 不，只是咖啡。

On top of all the tensions.

在所有的緊張局勢之上。

My lips I'm off the clock.

我的嘴脣，我下班了。

I need the stress and anxiety

我需要壓力和焦慮

of my own Judaism boiling my brain

我自己的猶太教讓我頭腦發熱

against my skull

頂著我的頭蓋骨

or I'm not gonna

否則我就不

get anything done. - Right.

得到任何東西完成。- 是啊

This is an exclusive, Eric.

這是獨家報道，埃裡克。

This is our very first cooking segment.

這是我們的第一個烹飪環節。

- Put a garnish on there,

- 放個裝飾品在那裡。

but like a lime wheel

卻像一個石灰輪

or a grapefruit wedge.

或柚子片。

Like a very thin, it should be able to float.

就像一個很薄的，它應該能浮起來。

You drink with your eyes first they say.

他們說，你先用眼睛喝酒。

You drink with your butt hole second.

你用你的屁股洞喝第二。

You know what I mean?

你知道我的意思嗎？

(laughs) George Washington once said.

(笑)喬治-華盛頓曾經說過。

(man laughs)

（男人笑）

In there.

在那裡。

How does it taste?

味道如何？

- That's like a Paloma.

- 這就像一個帕洛瑪。

From one talk show host to another,

從一個脫口秀主持人到另一個。

I'm always looking for advice.

我一直在尋求建議。

- I don't know (chuckles) if I have any good advice.

- 我不知道（笑）我有沒有什麼好的建議。

- Is making your guests feel comfortable--

- 是讓你的客人感到舒適 --

- Is my ear pod thing over there?

- 我的耳艙的東西在那邊嗎？

- [Woman] What?

- [女人]什麼？

- Is my ear pod case over there?

- 我的耳麥盒在那邊嗎？

- Have you been robbed?

- 你被搶了嗎？

What just happened?

剛才發生了什麼？

Somebody.

來人啊

- I got a hell's angel biker gang

- 我有一個地獄天使摩托幫

all around me right now.

現在我周圍的一切。

- (laughs) Is making

- （笑）是使

your guests-- - So what's your ad--

那麼你的廣告...

Uncomfortable?

不舒服嗎？

- Well I was gonna say

- 我本來想說

is making your guests comfortable overrated

讓你的客人舒服是高估了

for a talk show host?

為一個脫口秀主持人？

'Cause it doesn't seem.

因為它似乎並不。

Yeah. (laughs)

是啊。（笑）

Congrats.

祝賀你

- The right thing to do

- 正確的做法

is make them comfortable.

是讓他們舒服。

So my approach is

所以我的做法是

to do everything wrong.

要做的一切都錯了。

- Is there a good ice breaker question

- 有沒有好的破冰題

to warm up a guest?

暖客？

- Our icebreakers this year was just...

- 我們今年的破冰活動只是... ...

Have you ever done coke?

你有沒有吸過可卡因？

And the guests would never want

客人也不會願意

to answer that on camera.

在鏡頭前回答這個問題。

Another icebreaker would be.

另一個破冰的方法是：

Who would you rather (beeps) your mom or your dad?

你寧願（嘟嘟）你媽還是你爸？

(man laughs)

（男人笑）

- Right?

- 對吧？

Because everybody knows that answer already.

因為大家都已經知道這個答案了。

So you've got it at your fingertips.

所以，你已經得到了它在你的指尖。

- The truth is out there already.

- 真相已經在那裡了。

I'm at a live coffee shop.

我在一家現場咖啡店。

- Yeah, no mask up, man.

- 是啊，沒有面具，男人。

This is a PSA.

這是一個公益廣告。

What's on the mask?

面具上有什麼？

Oprah.

奧普拉

Oprah.

奧普拉

Oh yeah.

哦，是的。

The inspiration for the Eric Andre Show.

埃裡克-安德烈秀的靈感來源。

Have you ever tried to get Oprah on the show?

你有沒有試過讓奧普拉上節目？

- She always wants to do it

- 她總是想這樣做

and we just don't have the time

而我們只是沒有時間

to slot her in.

把她塞進去。

- Right, right.

- 對，對。

(both laughs)

（兩個笑）

You slotted in Lorenzo Lamas

你把洛倫佐-拉瑪斯排在了第一位

because you wanted him instead of Oprah.

因為你想要他而不是奧普拉

- No, I wish.

- 不，我希望。

- I know we're outside already,

- 我知道我們已經在外面了。

but I'd like to get some air on myself.

但我想給自己通通氣。

I'm cooped up in my New York apartment.

我被關在我的紐約公寓裡。

Would you indulge me?

你能放縱我嗎？

Can we go outside?

我們可以到外面去嗎？

- Sure, let's do it.

- 當然，讓我們做吧。

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

- Oh, look at this.

- 哦，看這個。

Is this your house?

這是你的房子嗎？

What's that?

那是什麼？

- No, it's a house.

- 不，這是一所房子。

It's a block away.

就在一個街區外。

- How many people you think have been murdered there?

- 你認為有多少人在那裡被謀殺了？

- I don't think you're committing fully to this bit.

- 我覺得你沒有完全投入到這一點。

I don't think.

我不這麼認為

- Me (laughs)?

- 我（笑）？

- You're only like

- 你只是喜歡

half in the premise.

半的前提下。

You guys did not flesh this out.

你們並沒有把這一切具體化。

(man laughs)

（男人笑）

I have notes and they're like,

我有筆記，他們就像。

all your act out is just like general Jew,

你的行為就像一般的猶太人。

which is hovering.

這是盤旋的。

Speakin' of Jews.

說到猶太人

Here's a world war II beach.

這裡是二戰時期的海灘。

(both laugh)

（兩者笑）

- We queued that up just for you.

- 我們專門為你排了隊。

- Oh and OJ.

- 哦，還有OJ。

And you gotta get my black side's attention.

你得引起我的黑方的注意。

You got OJ.

你得到了OJ。

- Is it true

- 是真的嗎？

I've heard you were close friends with OJ Simpson.

我聽說你和OJ Simpson是好朋友。

Is that true?

是真的嗎？

- Yeah he's here at the coffee shop actually.

- 是啊，他在這裡的咖啡店其實。

He got a job here.

他在這裡找到了一份工作。

The end.

結束。

(man laughs)

（男人笑）

- Was that your favorite bit ever?

- 這是你最喜歡的一點嗎？

- I think I liked even better

- 我想我更喜歡

your level of commitment.

你的承諾水準。

You threw this bit under the bus.

你把這一點扔到公車下。

- How dare you. (laughs)

- 你怎麼敢。（笑）

So Eric it's been four long years

所以埃裡克... 已經四年了

since the last season. - Yeah.

自從上個賽季開始- 是啊 Yeah.

- What gives? - I put out the season

- 怎麼了？- 我把季節放出來了

of the show like

的節目，如

with each presidential campaign.

與每次總統競選。

- You also change up your look

- 你也可以改變你的造型

on each season of the show.

在每一季的節目中。

This year you're somewhere in between

今年你介於兩者之間

a Vin Diesel or a Pitbull.

文-迪塞爾或皮特博爾。

- I look like Vin Diesel,

- 我看起來像文-迪塞爾

like six weeks after he died.

像六週後，他死了。

But so for season four, I lost weight,

但如此第四季，我瘦了。

got as pale as I could,

得到了儘可能的蒼白，我可以。

didn't brush or wash my hair.

沒有梳頭或洗頭。

Didn't use deodorant.

沒有用除臭劑。

I just got like really dirty.

我只是得到了像真的很髒。

And then for the next season

然後在下一季的時候

I gained a bunch of weight.

我胖了一圈。

I tanned every day.

我每天都在晒太陽。

I got rid of all my body hair.

我把我所有的體毛都去掉了。

I waxed my pubic hair

我給我的陰毛打了蠟

and I bleached my teeth.

我漂白了我的牙齒。

And I would wear Brute cologne.

我還會擦布魯特古龍水。

I did like everything on paper

我確實喜歡紙上的一切

that was like the opposite.

這就像相反的。

- How is the waxing of the pubic hair?

- 陰毛的脫毛效果如何？

That sounds like a fun day.

聽起來是很有趣的一天。

- Horrible.

- 可怕的。

Brutal.

殘忍的。

Never do it again.

再也不做了。

Unbelievable pain.

難以置信的痛苦。

(man chuckles)

（男人笑著說）

Wouldn't wish it on my enemies.

我可不想讓我的敵人受到傷害。

You look like you play

你看起來像你玩

a scientist in a movie with Morgan Freeman.

一個和摩根-弗里曼合作的電影裡的科學家。

- (laughs) I would.

- (笑)我會的。

That's my goal in life.

這就是我的人生目標。

Sir, if we don't stop the meteor

長官，如果我們不阻止隕石的話

we're all gonna die.

我們都會死。

How's that?

怎麼樣？

(man laughs)

（男人笑）

- Lights, camera, show biz.

- 燈光，攝影機，演藝圈。

- Some provocative would you rather questions for you, Eric?

- 一些挑釁性的問題，你寧願問你，埃裡克？

Are you ready?

你準備好了嗎？

- Yes.

- 是的，我知道

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

- Would you rather (beeps) your mom or your dad?

- 你寧願（嘟嘟）你媽還是你爸？

- Both.

- 都有

- Same time?

- 同一時間？

Wow. - Hell yeah, dude.

哇哦- 地獄是啊，夥計。

That is one Thanksgiving

那是一個感恩節

I will never remember, Brother bear.

我永遠不會記得，熊哥。

- Would you rather live inside the but of Jennifer Lopez

- 你願意住在詹妮弗-洛佩茲的體內嗎？

or the stomach of Jack Black?

還是傑克-布萊克的胃？

- Gotta give it up from a main man, J. Bulls.

- 得從主力隊員J.公牛身上放棄。

Jack Black all the way.

傑克-布萊克一路走來。

(man chuckles)

（男人笑著說）

- Would you rather have a two-foot long penis

- 你是否願意有一個兩尺長的陰莖？

or two foot-long penises?

還是兩根一尺長的陰莖？

- The former.

- 前者。

- Would you rather have a 12-foot-long penis

- 你是否願意有一個12英尺長的陰莖？

or 12 one-foot penises?

還是12根一尺長的陰莖？

- The one and only. - You still just want--

- 唯一的一個。- 你還只是想...

- I want like an (beeps) octopus down there.

- 我希望像章魚一樣在下面。

It's horrendous.

太可怕了

- Would you rather get eaten by a grizzly bear

- 你寧願被灰熊吃了嗎？

or swallowed by a Python?

還是被蟒蛇吞了？

- Python.

- 蟒蛇。

No, no, grizzly 'cause it'd be over quick.

不，不，灰熊，因為它會很快結束。

- You think so?

- 你覺得呢？

I don't think.

我不這麼認為

I think he's going to chew on you.

我想他會咬你的。

It's gonna like..

它會像...

It's not gonna...

這不是要去...

- Well either is (beeps) misery, man.

- 要麼就是（嗶嗶聲）痛苦，夥計。

I hate animals.

我討厭動物

- Yeah.

- 是啊。

- I only like dogs.

- 我只喜歡狗。

- You don't like dogs?

- 你不喜歡狗？

- I only like dogs.

- 我只喜歡狗。

- Sorry.

- 對不起，我不知道

I'm not a good listener.

我不是一個好的傾聽者。

I apologize. (laughs)

我道歉。（笑）

Would you rather win an Academy award?

你願意獲得奧斯卡獎嗎？