- This sale should be easy.

Tanner, we're not peddling manures to the Vatican,

we're selling medicine to sick people.

Put China on the line.

(speaks in foreign language)

(beep)

Am I in the wrong house?

(speaks in foreign language)

(music)

(Door knock)

- Hey Blark,

I was wondering if I could borrow some bedding

for a house guest I'm expecting.

I'd use mine, but (giggles)

I had to sell them,

for food to eat,

to live.

- Sure. Do you need them now?

Cause I sorta got a bird in my nest,

if you know what I mean.

- Blark, the romantic.

Ooh, la la.

I do. I really, really do.

Oh, thanks a ton.

I promise I won't get in the way of your, holy (beep)

that's my mom!

(music)

Blark, this is my mom, Frankie,

Mom, this is

- Blark.

I'm familiar.

I only needed to hear two words under this man's mouth

to know he served our country,

he's good with his hands

and has more life stories

and a God damn immortal.

- And I only needed to hear that you're Stacey's mom

wants to know that you're his mom.

- Okay. Well mom, I asked you to visit so we could talk.

So can we go?

- You have an extra bedroom stud muffin.

- I have a son's room.

He had sleep away space camp with a junior.

- Perfect.

Stacey, no offense,

but I prefer to stay in a home with a working heater.

So Blark, I'm in your room.

You'll take the living room.

Stacey, you'll be in son's room.

Also, whatever you're cooking smells like deep space evil

and it's drawing my contacts out.

- It's my signature soup, soup.

I make every batch by can.

- Don't care.

My assistant already ordered vetoes,

it'll be here at 7:00 PM exactly.

That means soup's gone,

table set by 6:45.

We'll eat Italian

and talk softly.

That work for everyone?

- No, I am not staying in son's room

for more than a night.

- Great.

You, get my luggage from the car

and organize my clothes in your closet

from black to jet black.

- Get out of the way.

(panting)

(door bang)

- Great to see you, honey.

- Oh.

(music)

- Ah.

- Blark, No.

Don't tell me

because you slightly picked my mother's interest

that you think I'm your son now.

I am not playing this game with you.

You can call me Stacey

and we can have a civilized conversation.

I will not answer to son.

- Son!

(beep)

(beep)

(beep)

(beep)

- Fine. What do you want from me?

- Stacey, now that I'm your pappy,

I think it's time we do some father, son bonding activities.

- This is, this is hell.

- We only have two options.

One, we scream break a wine glass in the garage together

or two, we egg our geeky neighbors, Stacey's house, huh.

- Shouldn't you be with your new, huh, girlfriend?

- Well, there's no question,

your mother and I go together like a shrimp Po'boy

in a Louisiana sunset

but since she's got here,

it's been all business and no Blark.

I'm starting to think she doesn't even like me.

- Blark, Blark.

My mother thinks I called her here to ask for money.

So she's using you to ignore me

so she doesn't have to face the reality

of having to bail me out again

and sadly, it's not even the reason I called her here.

I wanted to tell her that,

(music)

nevermind.

We just don't get along.

- You know I once brokered a peace treaty in 1957,

between two warring street gangs,

the Jets who were white Americans

and the sharks who were were to Puerto Rican Americans.

I can do the same for you.

- That's West side story.

- That West side story is my real life, life.

- Blark, I'm not son. You can't just.

- You are my boy.

I'm gonna patch up your she-dad relationship,

just like I did in 1933 with that cherry haired orphan

and her billionaire bald dad.

- That's Annie the musical.

(laughs)

♪ It's a hard knock life, for Blark. ♪

♪ It's a hard knock life, for Blark. ♪

(sighs)

(laughs)

- You Swanson's are a riot,

that's why I took the time to create this piece of art

to capture your bubbly love for one another.

- We look miserable.

Also, when did you even capture this?

- Oh, well I actually don't know.

- He's trying to do something nice, Mom.

No need to grill him.

Although I will say,

the heart shaped frame was a bad choice.

- I mean we're all in it

and I don't even own a printer.

- Kinda like the choice

to shut down your psychiatric practice

to write a pop finance book that bombed.

- Mom, that's not fair.

- Guys, seriously.

I think there's a Phantom photographer loose in my house.

- What's not fair,

is you having to keep calling Mommy for money.

Let me guess,

another book you've written went down in flames.

- Mom, (laughs)

Can we not do this?

- Okay. What's really baking my noodle?

Is how in the hell was this photo taken?

- Stacey, let's cut to the chase.

I'm done giving you money

but I'll make you an offer.

- Mom.

- Pack up the pants,

move back East

and help run the business with me

and your baby sister, Greg.

- I don't, I actually wanted to tell you,

- Stacey, this is my final offer.

- No, mom.

I'm not some (beep) client you can make offers to.

I have, I have spent my whole life

trying to do what you wanted.

I-I, I wanna write novels.

- You wrote a book.

- No, I wrote a pop finance book.

You wanted me to write

because you thought there was a market for it,

but I am done living my life by your standards.

I want to write fiction, fantasy, goblins, wizards, dragons,

magical, mythical mayhem

but every time I'd start,

I have your voice in the back of my head

yapping about how it's not a viable option.

Well I've got bad news to you Mommy,

it is a viable option

because I am an artist!

Yes, your worst nightmare, mom

and artsy, fartsy, struggling, sensitive, loser artist.

- Oh.

(sighs)

- I'm leaving.

- Hey, this baby bird just fell from the nest.

He needs his mama bird.

Now, I don't know about you

but my nest is a safe space for all sons

and I'd like to keep it that way.

Although this paparazzi Poltergeist is a legitimate concern.

- [Ghost] A little to the left.

- Oh, Stacey.

You are obnoxious, selfish, narcissistic,

probably an alcoholic and your own worst enemy.

- I appreciate you adding probably before alcoholic.

- But Blark is right, you are my son

and I should support you,

that's why I came,

that's why I always come.

Now, I don't understand goblins and wizards

but I'll try.

We'll go back to your place

and you'll tell me everything that's going on with you.

But before that, Blark,

you assertive, loving,

sensitive Falcon,

that was the God damn sexiest thing

anybody's ever done to me.

And you are wearing far too many clothes right now.

Take a hot shower,

put on an early eighties funk record

and meet me in your room in six and a half minutes.

Also, the blazer stays on, boys.

(music)

- Blark, that was such a breakthrough.

Thank you.

- Stacey, listen,

Frankie is a vicious otherworldly miniature of a woman

and I am very scared of her

but that doesn't mean I won't stand up

and face the heat for you.

We're family.

That being said,

I'm gonna go (beep) your mom.

(music)

(chattering)

(music)