WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

MMM...

OOOH...

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE?

>> A WEEK.

>> Stephen: A WEEK.

I MISSED YOU.

I HOPE YOU MISSED ME.

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THAT NOTHING IS CHANGING.

BECAUSE THE BIG STORY TODAY IS I'M STILL HERE

YOU'RE STILL THERE, AND WE'VE BEEN THAT WAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR.

WE'RE APPROACHING THE PANDEMIC'S FIRST ANNIVERSARY.

TRADITIONALLY, THE GIFT IS PAPER, ON A ROLL, NEXT TO A

TOILET.

BUT EVEN AS THE DEATH TOLL CROSSES HALF A MILLION, THERE IS

GOOD NEWS: PRESIDENT BIDEN EXPECTS TO SURPASS HIS GOAL

OF 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS, AND LAST WEEK, THE DAILY

INOCULATION AVERAGE CLIMBED TO 1.7 MILLION SHOTS PER DAY.

SO, THE MAIN QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS: WHEN WILL

THINGS BE NORMAL?

ONE PROFESSOR AT JOHNS HOPKINS SAYS, "WE'LL HAVE HERD IMMUNITY

BY APRIL."

APRIL?

THAT'S GREAT!

BUT IT DOES MEAN I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET STARTED ON MY BEACH BOD'.

RIGHT NOW I'M ROCKIN' MORE OF A WASHED-UP-ON-THE-BEACH BOD'.

MAYBE FISHED OUT OF THE RIVER, DRAGGED OUT OF THE LAKE.

OF COURSE, AS EXCITING AS THIS PREDICTION IS, KEEP IN MIND, IT

FIRST APPEARED IN "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF TELLING YOU

WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR."

THIS MONTH'S COVER STORY: "MOST PEOPLE YOUR AGE CAN'T PULL OFF A

LEATHER JACKET, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT!"

SO, IT'S HAPPENING!

WE'RE GOING BACK TO NORMAL IN APRIL!

OR AS PRESIDENT BIDEN PUT IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY:

>> BY NEXT CHRISTMAS.

>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, FINE.

NEXT CHRISTMAS.

WHATEVER.

AT LEAST AT THIS YEAR'S FAMILY MEALS, WE WON'T BE SAYING,

"UNCLE PHIL, YOU'RE ON MUTE!" WE'LL BE SAYING, "I WISH WE

COULD PUT UNCLE PHIL ON MUTE."

ANYWAY, IT'S THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT... FOR THE GRINCH

TO STEAL.

BECAUSE DR. FAUCI SAYS IT'S POSSIBLE WE'LL STILL BE WEARING

MASKS IN 2022.

GREAT!

WE'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL BY APRIL-- CHRISTMAS A YEAR AND A

HALF FROM NOW.

ONE OF THOSE!

ANY ONE OF THOSE!

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- IF THIS WERE CLIMBING MOUNT

EVEREST, WE'D EITHER BE ABOUT TO SUMMIT, SET UP BASE CAMP, OR

THINKING ABOUT BUYING A CLIF BAR AT CVS.

BUT WHATEVER THAT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING, RIGHT?

WELL, THEN -- WHERE ARE WE IN WE'RE, LIKE, IN PURGATORY HERE!

WHENEVER NORMAL HAPPENS, THIS COUNTRY IS MORE THAN READY. IN

FACT, A NEW SURVEY FOUND THAT 38% OF AMERICANS WOULD GIVE UP

SEX FOR A YEAR TO GO ON A TRIP IMMEDIATELY.

WHICH MEANS AN ASTOUNDING 38% OF AMERICANS HAVE HAD SEX THIS

YEAR.

EVIDENTLY, SOME PEOPLE ARE TURNED ON BY A HOT BOWL OF

COUCH LASAGNA.

MMM!

YOU'RE LOOKING LOGY.

THERE WAS A LITTLE NEWS TIDBIT YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED LAST WEEK

WHEN THE SENATE ACQUITTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN HIS SECOND

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL FOR INSURRECTION.

WE WERE ON BREAK WHEN IT HAPPENED, BUT I PROMISE WE'LL

HAVE FULL COVERAGE OF HIS THIRD IMPEACHMENT.

BUT OL' DOLT 45'S NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET.

BECAUSE TODAY, THE SUPREME COURT DENIED HIS FINAL BID TO BLOCK

THE RELEASE OF HIS TAX RETURNS.

WOO!

♪♪♪ THAT'S IT!

THANK YOU!

THAT WAS HARDLY EVEN DANGEROUS!

( LAUGHTER ) OH!

BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE GLASSES!

AND MY READING GLASSES!

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME FINE PRINT!

I'LL GIVE YOU THE 4-1-1 ON THE 1099'S IN OUR NEW, HOPEFULLY

VERY RECURRING SEGMENT: >> LOCK HIM UP!

LOCK HIM UP!

LOCK HIM UP!

LOCK HIM UP!

>> Stephen: THE NICE THING ABOUT BEING GONE, BECAUSE YOU

DON'T MISS A STEP -- I STILL GOT IT, BABY!

FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT -- I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE

ONE OF THOSE POPPER THINGS THAT REALLY ENDANGERS EVERYONE AROUND

YOU.

THIS IS WHY REHEARSAL IS HANDY.

FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN DESPERATE TO PREVENT

PROSECUTORS FROM GETTING THEIR HANDS ON ANY DOCUMENTS THAT

MIGHT GET HIM IN LEGAL TROUBLE.

SO... ANY DOCUMENTS.

BUT TODAY, THE HIGH COURT RULED THAT HE HAD TO HAND OVER HIS

FINANCIAL HISTORY TO THE MANHATTAN D.A., WHO'S BEEN

CONDUCTING A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION THAT COULD LEAD TO

CONSPIRACY FRAUD CHARGES, WHICH ARE B FELONIES.

GOOD.

'CAUSE HE "B" A FELON.

GIVEN THE POTENTIAL CHARGES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD BE SENT

TO JAIL IF CONVICTED.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT ALL PLAY OUT IN THE NEW NETFLIX SERIES

"ORANGE IS THE NEW ORANGE."

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE EXACT CHARGES RELATED TO THE FAMILY

BUSINESS ARE YET, BUT THEY COULD IMPLICATE COMPANY EXECUTIVES DON

JR. AND ERIC.

(AS ERIC) "DAD!

THE JUDGE SAYS WE GET TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER!

FOR 10 YEARS!

I CALL TOP BUNK!

I'M GONNA MAKE TOILET HOOCH!" IT'S OKAY IF YOU HAVE TO SHIV

ME.

( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE, THE FORMER

PRESIDENT CALLED IT A "FISHING EXPEDITION."

(AS ERIC) "DAD, WE'RE GOING FISHING, TOO!

JUST LIKE IN THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW!"

(WHISTLES BADLY) I THINK I'M DOING MYSELF

PERIODONTAL DAMAGE WHEN I DO THAT

WHEN ASKED WHETHER THIS WAS A SO-CALLED FISHING EXPEDITION,

THE MANHATTAN D.A. RESPONDED: >> YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER

BOAT.

>> STEPHEN: THINGS CONTINUE TO BE ROUGH DOWN IN TEXAS.

LAST WEEK, THE LONE STAR STATE WAS HIT BY A FREAK WINTER STORM

THAT KNOCKED OUT POWER.

MILLIONS OF TEXANS ARE STILL WITHOUT RUNNING WATER, AND THERE

ARE FOOD SHORTAGES ACROSS THE STATE.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HELP, AND I KNOW YOU ARE, WE HAVE SOME

SUGGESTED CHARITIES YOU CAN DONATE TO.

JUST HEAD OVER TO COLBERTLATESHOW.COM

/TEXAS.

AND PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.

NOW, THIS MIGHT SHOCK YOU, BUT THERE ARE STATES BESIDES TEXAS

THAT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PHENOMENON OF WINTER.

IT'S TRUE.

YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.

SO, WHY DID THEY LOSE POWER AND WATER AND HEAT?

IN TEXAS, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE DEPENDENT UPON THEIR

ELECTRICAL GRID, AND IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID FEDERAL

REGULATION, TEXAS IS THE ONLY STATE IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED

STATES TO OPERATE ITS OWN GRID.

WELL, TEXANS LIKE TO HAVE THEIR OWN STUFF: GRIDS, TOASTS, AND

CHAINSAW MASSACRES.

IN ADDITION, TEXAS IS A FAN OF EXTREME CAPITALISM, SO THEY

HANDED THEIR GRID OVER TO THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET.

MEANING THAT ANYTIME THERE'S A LACK OF SUPPLY AND A HUGE

DEMAND, PRICES SKYROCKET.

OUT OF CONTROL.

SO, LAST WEEK, IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS ARCTIC BLAST, ELECTRICITY

IN TEXAS APPROACHED $9,000 PER MEGAWATT/HOUR.

WHICH IS AN INCREASE OF 180 TIMES THE AVERAGE RATE BEFORE

THE STORM.

ONE MAN WAS STUCK WITH A $16,752 ELECTRIC BILL.

TO WHICH AMERICA'S FATHERS REPLIED, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU PUSH THE THERMOSTAT ABOVE 66!

I'M PUTTING SOME TAPE ON IT!

I'M TAPING IT DOWN!

WE'RE NOT HEATING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

SO, CLEARLY, THE SYSTEM IS VERY BAD FOR THE PEOPLE, BUT VERY

GOOD FOR THE ENERGY COMPANIES, SOME OF WHICH EARNED MORE PROFIT

ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY ALONE THAN THEY WOULD HAVE GAINED

THROUGH AN ENTIRE YEAR OF NORMAL OPERATION.

AS ONE ENERGY COMPANY SPOKESMAN EXPLAINED, "GOLD!

GOLD!

I'M RICH, I TELL YOU.

GOLD!" SO, IT'S NO WONDER TEXAS POWER

COMPANIES DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS DISASTER, EVEN THOUGH

BACK IN 2011, FEDERAL REGULATORS WARNED TEXAS THAT ITS POWER

PLANTS COULDN'T BE COUNTED ON TO RELIABLY CHURN OUT ELECTRICITY

IN BITTERLY COLD CONDITIONS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM

HISTORY WERE PROBABLY EDUCATED IN TEXAS."

THAT WARNING CAME FROM THE FEDERAL ENERGY REGULATORY

COMMISSION OR "FERC."

NO ONE LISTENED, AND NOW, "ERMEGERD.

TEXAS IS FERC'D."

THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE LONE STAR STATE BACK THEN WAS FORMER

TEXAS GOVERNOR AND MAN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SUN AT

NIGHT, RICK PERRY.

LAST WEEK, PERRY DEFENDED HIS STATE'S LUDICROUS ENERGY SETUP,

SAYING, "TEXANS WOULD BE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY FOR LONGER THAN

THREE DAYS TO KEEP THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OUT OF THEIR

BUSINESS."

THAT STATEMENT WAS SO DUMB, RICK PERRY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO MAKE

HIMSELF SEEM SMARTER BY WEARING A SECOND PAIR OF GLASSES.

OF COURSE, THERE'S ONE GUY IN TEXAS GIVING RICK PERRY A RUN

FOR HIS DUMMY: SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE FACE WAS SEIZED BY AN

ANGRY MOB, THEN TARRED AND PUBED, TED CRUZ.

AT THE HEIGHT OF THE CRISIS LAST WEEK, FOLKS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

SPOTTED TED CRUZ BOARDING A FLIGHT TO CANCUN.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, TED

CRUZ GETS GONE."

THE SENATOR GOT A LOT OF CRITICISM, SO HE IMMEDIATELY

SWALLOWED HIS PRIDE, PULLED HIMSELF UP BY HIS OWN

BOOTSTRAPS, AND THREW HIS DAUGHTERS UNDER A BUS:

"WITH SCHOOL CANCELED FOR THE WEEK, OUR GIRLS ASKED TO TAKE A

TRIP WITH FRIENDS.

WANTING TO BE A GOOD DAD, I FLEW DOWN WITH THEM LAST NIGHT AND AM

FLYING BACK THIS AFTERNOON."

SEE?

HE WAS JUST BEING A GOOD DAD.

UNLIKE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE FATHERS WHO WERE HUDDLING WITH

THEIR KIDS FOR WARMTH.

REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S FAMOUS SPEECH:

>> DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER ANNA'S FAULT!

COME ON, HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME THE JAPANESE WERE

COMING?!

YOU'RE GROUNDED!

>> STEPHEN: TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T ONLY COWARDLY, IT WAS A LIE.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM UNITED AIRLINES, CRUZ WAS

INITIALLY BOOKED TO RETURN HOME SATURDAY AND HE BOOKED HIS

RETURN TICKET AT 6:00 A.M.

THURSDAY.

OH, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

PLUS, HE WAS IN COACH, SO THEY CHARGED HIM $25 TO CHECK HIS

DOUCHE-BAG.

AS PART OF THE FALLOUT, UNITED IS INVESTIGATING THE FLIGHT INFO

LEAK.

THAT'S GOING TO BE TRICKY.

"OKAY, WHO WOULD HAVE LEAKED THIS?

WHO HATES TED CRUZ?

OKAY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO NARROW THAT DOWN?"

AFTER TED FLEW BACK TO TEXAS, HE DECIDED TO FESS UP TO THE

REPORTERS: >> I STARTED HAVING SECOND

THOUGHTS ALMOST THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN ON THE PLANE.

LEAVING WHEN SO MANY TEXANS WERE HURTING DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT, SO I

CHANGED MY RETURN FLIGHT AND FLEW BACK ON THE FIRST AVAILABLE

FLIGHT I COULD TAKE.

>> STEPHEN: TOO LATE, YOU ALREADY DID THE BAD THING, AND

WE KNOW YOU LIED ABOUT IT!

IT'S LIKE AN OLD TIMEY VILLAIN GOING, "YOU KNOW, TYING THAT

DAMSEL TO THE TRAIN TRACKS JUST DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.

SO I TOOK THE FIRST TRAIN BACK AFTER THE ACCIDENT SO I COULD BE

HERE FOR THE GRIEVING FAMILY.

WHICH BOX HAS THE HEAD?" IN TYPICAL TED CRUZ FASHION,

EVERY DETAIL THAT COMES OUT OF THIS STORY IS MORE TED CRUZ-IER

THAN THE LAST ONE.

FOR EXAMPLE, SENATOR TED CRUZ FAILED TO MENTION HIS COLLEGE

ROOMMATE ALSO WAS ALONG FOR THE VISIT.

I GOT TO SAY, THAT MAKES THE "I WAS JUST ESCORTING MY KIDS"

EXCUSE SOUND REALLY WEIRD.

(AS TED) "HEY, YOU WANNA FLY DOWN TO

MEXICO FOR SOME FUN?

ALSO, I HAVE TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, CAN YOU WATCH MY

KIDS?

ONE MARGARITA APIECE!" IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE AFTER

CRUZ RETURNED, WE FOUND OUT HE LEFT HIS DOG BEHIND.