WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JONA BATISTE.

JON, ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM OF TONIGHT'S MUSICAL GUEST?

I'M A BIG FAN.

>> Jon: I LIKE THAT GUY.

HE'S GOING.

>> Stephen: HE'S A COMER.

HE'S THE COMING MAN IS WHAT HE IS.

WHAT SONG ARE YOU DOING US TONIGHT FROM YOUR NEW ALBUM "WE

ARE"?

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO DO "I NEED YOU."

I WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE WE NEED THE JOY.

WE NEED EACH OTHER, BABY.

>> Stephen: AND IT'S PACKED WITH IT.

IT'S PACKED WITH JOY LIKE PENUTS IN A SNICKER'S BAR.

GIVE US A LITTLE TEASE OF WHAT'S COMING.

>> Jon: JUST A LITTLE BIT.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR

THAT, EVERYBODY.

JON BATISTE.

>> Jon: GOT TO WAIT FOR THE RIFFUPON

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I SCOUR THE DIAMOND MARKET

FOR THE SHINIEST, MOST TOPICAL GEMS OF STORIES, THEN I LOVINGLY

ARRANGE AND SET THEM INTO A HAND-CAST, SOLID, 24-CARAT GOLD

NECKLACE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE CARTIER MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I GET ARRESTED FOR ILLEGALLY

TRADING BOOTLEG ENDANGERED MEAT AND GET SENT UP FOR A FIVE SPOT

WHERE ME AND SPIDER, WHO GOT PINCHED FOR HIS GOAT FIGHTING

RING, SCRAPE TOGETHER SOME BOTTLE CAPS, BUSTED PRETZELS,

AND DISCARDED LIFE SAVERS CANDIES WE FOUND IN THE

INFIRMARY AFTER A JUMP-OFF, STRING 'EM ONTO SOME GREASY HAIR

WE STOLE FROM CRUSHER'S PONYTAIL WHILE HE WAS KNOCKED OUT ON HIS

MEDS, ALL TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PRISON CRAFTROOM CHOKER OF NEWS

THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CATS ARE JUST AS DISLOYAL AS

YOU SUSPECTED, A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS."

WHICH MEANS WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS:

♪ ♪ ♪ CATS ARE (BLEEP).

IN 2015, RESEARCHERS "HAD DOGS SEE A SITUATION IN WHICH A THIRD

PARTY WOULD EITHER HELP THEIR OWNER OR TURN THEIR BACK ON

THEM."

WHEN THE THIRD PARTY SPURNED THE OWNER'S PLEA FOR HELP, THE DOGS

SEEMINGLY TOOK IT PERSONALLY AND TENDED TO AVOID TAKING A TREAT

FROM THEM."

WHEREAS, IN THE EXACT SAME TEST, "CATS SHOWED NO PREFERENCE

FOR PEOPLE WHO TREAT THEIR OWNERS POSITIVELY OVER THOSE

WHO BEHAVE NEGATIVELY TOWARDS THEM."

CONFIRMED: YOUR CAT DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK.

"HEY, I NOTICE YOU'VE BEEN STABBED IN THE NECK, MASTER.

YOU MIND SHOWING YOUR ASSAILANT WHERE THE PANTRY IS BEFORE YOU

PASS OUT?

THAT TUNA ISN'T GONNA OPEN ITSELF."

ALSO, BAD NEWS FOR BOND VILLAINS.

THAT CAT MAY TURN ON YOU.

THAT'S WHY Q ALWAYS GIVES JAMES BOND A PEN THAT ALSO WORKS AS A

LASER POINTER.

AND THIS BRINGS ME TO MORE BREAKING NEWS:

♪ ♪ ♪ BREAKING NEWS: "DOGS GIVE A

RAT'S ASS IF YOU LIVE OR DIE."

WHO SPURNS MY NEMESIS?

YOU DO!

YOU GOT A VENDETTA.

YOU DO!

GOOD BOY!

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR OF ENGLAND'S NATIONAL

HEALTH SERVICE HAS WARNED AGAINST TAKING GWYNETH PALTROW'S

COVID ADVICE.

NOW, WAIT JUST A VAGINA CANDLE MINUTE!

IF WE CAN'T TRUST THE ACTOR LADY WHO SELLS YONI ROCKS AND

VA-JAY-JAY STEAMERS FOR MEDICAL ADVICE, WHO CAN WE TRUST?!

REESE WITHERSPOON?

SHE DOESN'T SELL ANYTHING TO JAM UP MY ORIFICES.

I GUESS DRAPER JAMES SELLS SUNGLASSES, BUT WHY WOULD I JAM

THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE?!

IT SEEMS PALTROW HAS BEEN CLAIMING YOU CAN RELIEVE COVID

EFFECTS WITH DUBIOUS TREATMENTS, LIKE A "KETO AND PLANT-BASED"

DIET, "LOTS OF COCONUT AMINOS" AND SUGAR-FREE KOMBUCHA AND

KIMCHI," AND "INTUITIVE FASTING."

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT "INTUITIVE FASTING" MEANS, THINK

OF IT AS "CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLING" FROM NUTRIENTS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, AUTHORITIES SEIZED NEARLY 300

POUNDS OF CONTRABAND BOLOGNA AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.

NO WORD ON THE IDENTITY OF THE BOLOGNA CARTEL'S LEADER.

SO FAR, ALL THEY KNOW IS HE DOES HAVE A FIRST NAME, AND IT'S

"O-S-C-A-R."

NOW, IT'S ILLEGAL TO BRING FOREIGN BOLOGNA INTO THE U.S.,

IN PART, DUE TO THE RISK OF TRANSMITTING FOREIGN DISEASES.

BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE WHO EAT BOLOGNA ARE KNOWN

FOR, IT'S BEING HEALTH CONSCIOUS.

NOW, LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THE "QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUPER-SEGMENT

"MEANWHILE" MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING A STRONG SENSE OF

DEJA VU, BECAUSE IN NOVEMBER OF 2019, I NOTED A SIMILAR STORY:

MEANWHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION SEIZED 154

POUNDS OF "PROHIBITED BOLOGNA" THIS WEEK AT THE U.S.-MEXICO

BORDER CROSSING IN EL PASO, TEXAS.

BORDER PATROL AGENTS SEIZED THE MEAT, BUT THE CRIMINAL FLED THE

SCENE.

SO AUTHORITIES ARE ASKING THE PUBLIC TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR

THIS VEHICLE.

( LAUGHTER ) WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEWEST

"QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "TOLD YA SO."

TONIGHT "ON TOLD YA SO": TOLD YA SO.

I WARNED AMERICA ABOUT THE GROWING BOLOGNA THREAT, AND YET,

AMERICA DID NOTHING.

AND NOW IT'S GROWN FROM 154 POUNDS OF PROHIBITED BOLOGNA TO

NEARLY 300 POUNDS OF "CONTRABAND BOLOGNA."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEXT: 600 POUNDS OF "FORBIDDEN

BOLOGNA."

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY'RE HIDING IT.

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO PUT A PAIR OF

DRAPER JAMES SUNGLASSES THERE.

TAKE ACTION, AMERICA, BECAUSE WE CAN EITHER DO SOMETHING NOW OR

SEE THIS ALL PLAY OUT LATER IN THE UPCOMING SERIES: "NARCOS:

DELI COUNTER."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪