W, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW," ESPECIALLY "ALL."

ONE WOULD BE TOO FEW.

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

FOLKS, WE HAVE ALL BEEN UP TO OUR EARLOBES IN COVID

PRECAUTIONS FOR A YEAR.

BUT NOW, THERE'S A NEW CONTAGION SWEEPING THE COUNTRY: AMERICA'S

GOT A BAD CASE OF THE HOPES!

THANKS TO NEW VACCINE AVAILABILITY, WE'RE STARTING TO

SEE THE SYRINGE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

THOUGH JOHNSON & JOHNSON HAS A NEW VACCINE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE

THE CAPACITY TO PRODUCE THE VOLUME OF DOSES THAT AMERICA

NEEDED.

SO, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION CONVINCED RIVAL COMPANY MERCK TO

HELP PRODUCE JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S SINGLE-SHOT CORONAVIRUS VACCINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF A BOLD NEW ERA OF PHARMACEUTICAL

CROSSOVERS, LIKE DAYQUIL-VIAGRA.

YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: YOUR COLD JUST GOT HOT: GET UP AND

GO!

THIS NEW CAPACITY MEANS, WELL, TELL THEM WHAT IT MEANS, JOE.

>> WE'RE NOW ON TRACK TO HAVE ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY

ADULT IN AMERICA BY THE END OF MAY.

>> Stephen: THAT IS SO MUCH SOONER THAN ANYBODY THOUGHT!

WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY DOSE?

♪ IT'S GONNA BE MAY ♪ >>0SlGENERAL TIMBERLAKE.

#FREE BRITNEY.

PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO MAKING A PUSH TO GET ALL TEACHERS

INOCULATED BY THE END OF MARCH.

SO IF I'M AN EDUCATOR, WHEN'S THE LATEST I COULD RECEIVE MY

DOSE?

♪ IT'S GONNA BE ♪...

>> MARCH.

>> Stephen: IN OTHER GOOD NEWS: DOLLY PARTON.

YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE IS JUST FANTASTIC.

YOU ALSO MAY REMEMBER SHE GAVE A MILLION DOLLARS OF HER OWN MONEY

TO VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY TO HELP DEVELOP THE MODERNA VACCINE.

SO IT WAS THRILLING YESTERDAY TO SEE HER ACCOUNT TWEET

OUT THIS PHOTO OF HER GETTING THE SHOT WITH THE CAPTION "DOLLY

GETS A DOSE OF HER OWN MEDICINE."

A LIFE-SAVING MIRACLE.

AND SHE GOT THE VACCINE!

NOW, FOR EASE OF ON-CAMERA JABBIN', DOLLY WENT THE EXTRA

MILE AND WORE A STYLISH, EASY-NEEDLE-ACCESS, COLD

SHOULDER TOP.

OKAY, VERY COOL, VERY NICE, DOLLY.

BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND TRYING SOMETHING SIMILAR FOR YOUR

COLONOSCOPY.

AND LIKE I EXPECT TO DO WHEN I GET THE VACCINE, DOLLY BURST

INTO SONG.

>> I WANTED TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE

AND DO IT, TOO.

I EVEN CHANGED ONE OF MY SONGS TO FIT THE OCCASION.

IT GOES...

( TO THE TUNE OF "JOLENE" ) ♪ VACCINE, VACCINE

VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ I'M BEGGING OF YOU

PLEASE DON'T HESITATE ♪ VACCINE, VACCINE

VACCINE, VACCINE ♪ 'CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DEAD, THEN

THAT'S A BIT TOO LATE ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A

VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

AND ALSO DOLLY'S DARKEST TUNE SINCE:

♪ ISLANDS IN THE STREAM ERODING OVER TIME

♪ NOTHING EVER LASTS WE'RE JUST FOOD FOR

♪ WORMS ♪ NOTE WE'RE JUST BAGS OF MEAT ♪

IT KEEPS GOING FROM THERE.

EVEN MORE HOPEFUL-- IT SOUNDS BETTER WHEN KENNY ROGERS IS

SINGING WITH YOU!

EVEN MORE HOPEFUL, IT'S GETTING EASIER TO QUALIFY FOR A VACCINE.

NORTH CAROLINA JUST ANNOUNCED THAT ON MARCH 24, THE STATE WILL

OPEN ELIGIBILITY TO PEOPLE LIVING IN GROUP SETTINGS,

ADDITIONAL FRO 1%9E WORKERS,AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE

100 CIGARETTES.

OF COURSE, NORTH CAROLINA'S A TOBACCO STATE.

IN WISCONSIN, YOU HAVE TO CHUG 100 GALLONS OF MILK.

AND IN DETROIT, YOU HAVE TO EAT 100 CARS.

HEY, REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS AN INSURRECTION BACK IN JANUARY?

CAPITOL POLICE ARE WARNING IT COULD COME BACK, BECAUSE OF A

QANON THEORY CLAIMING THE EX-PRESIDENT WILL RETURN TO

POWER TOMORROW, MARCH 4.

NOW, I'M NO PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT YOU COULD SAY THEY'RE SUFFERING

FROM "MARCH MADNESS."

ALSO, THEY'RE CLINICALLY INSANE.

BUT THERE'S METHOD TO THIS COO-COO.

YOU SEE, Q FOLLOWERS WERE HEARTBROKEN ON INAUGURATION DAY,

WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE "STORM" CAME THAT KEEPS THEIR

GUY FROM ACTUALLY LEAVING OFFICE.

SO THEY MOVED THE DATE OF THE STORM, WHEN THE ARRESTS ALL OF

THE CELEBRITIES AND DEMOCRATS, TO MARCH 4, WHICH WAS THE DATE

O PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS UP UNTIL 1933.

( AS QANON PERSON ) YET YES, FOLLOW ME DOWN THE

RABBIT HOLE.

THEY ENDED IT IN 1933.

BUT ADD UP 1-9-3-3, YOU GET 16.

ADD 1 PLUS 6, YOU GET 7.

WHAT IS 7?

3 PLUS 4, 3-4, MARCH 4th, WHEN WE SHALL MARCH FORTH!

( WHISPERS ) I SEE PATTERNS WHERE NONE

EXIST."

BUT THE ENHANCED SECURITY MAY NOT BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE SOME

QANON ADHERENTS ARE NOW "SKEPTICAL AS TO THE ORIGINS OR

VALIDITY OF THE THEORY."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THIS MARCH 4 THING JUST DOESN'T HAVE

THE SAME RING OF TRUTH AS "TOM HANKS EATS BABIES."

STILL, WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY TO CASH IN,

BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S HOTEL IN WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS

BEEN JACKING UP PRICES AROUND MARCH 4.

SOUNDS CYNICAL, BUT THEY ARE OFFERING PREMIUM SERVICES: IF

YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM TRAVEL, YOU CAN JUST CALL THE FRONT DESK

AND ASK THE CONCIERGE TO HANG MIKE PENCE.

ULTIMATELY, Q SUPPORTERS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FACE FACTS

THAT THEIR GUY LOST IN THE HIGHEST VOTER TURNOUT IN U.S.

HISTORY.

REPUBLICANS HAVE ACCEPTED IT.

THEY LOOKED AT VOTER TURNOUT AND REALIZED IT IS TIME TO STOP

VOTER TURNOUT.

THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED WITH A TIDAL WAVE OF ANTI-VOTING

LEGISLATION.

SO FAR, G.O.P. LAWMAKERS HAVE WRITTEN 253 BILLS WITH

PROVISIONS THAT RESTRICT VOTING ACCESS IN 43 STATES, LIKE

GEORGIA, WHERE, FOLLOWING THE G.O.P. LOSING THE PRESIDENTIAL

ELECT AND TWO SENATE SEATS IN A RUN HUFFAV, STATE REPUBLICANS

PASSED A BILL THAT WOULD LIMIT ABSENTEE AND EARLY VOTING.

YOU SEE, DEMOCRATS LIKE EARLY VOTING.

BUT GEORGIA REPUBLICANS WANT YOU TO PICK YOUR CANDIDATES AT THE

VERY LAST MINUTE.

THAT'S WHY THEY KEPT DAVID PERDUE RIGHT BY THE REGISTER.

CITICS SAY THIS BILL DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS

VOTERS OF COLOR, BUT THE BILL'S SPONSOR CLAIMS IT "IS DESIGNED

TO BEGIN TO BRING BACK THE CONFIDENCE OF OUR VOTERS BACK

INTO OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM."

OKAY, BUT THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, THE REPUBLICAN

SECRETARY OF STATE, AND THE REPUBLICAN VOTING SYSTEMS

MANAGER ALL SAID IT WAS A FAIR ELECTION.

SO THERE'S PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE IN THE ELECTION.

YOU'RE JUST CONFIDENT YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT, SO YOU'RE

TILTING THE PLAYING FIELD.

THAT'S LIKE THE N.F.L.

RESTRICTING TOM BRADY TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN THE KANSAS CITY

CHIEFS.

AND GEORGIA IS NOT ALONE.

LEGISLATORS IN 18 STATES HAVE INTRODUCED 40 BILLS TO IMPOSE

NEW OR MORE-STRINGENT VOTER I.D.

REQUIREMENTS FOR IN-PERSON OR MAIL VOTING, AND 14 BILLS IN

NINE STATES WOULD MAKE THE "EXCUSE" REQUIREMENT MORE

STRINGENT FOR ABSENTEE VOTING OR ELIMINATE "NO EXCUSE" MAIL

VOTING.

YEAH, IF YOU WANT TO VOTE ABSENTEE, THE G.O.P. DEMANDS

A GOOD EXCUSE, LIKE A NOTE FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

OR YOUR CADDY.

AND THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE ABOUT TO OPEN THE VOTER

SUPPRESSION FLOODGATES.

BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THEY HEARD ORAL ARGUMENTS IN A CASE ABOUT

AN ARIZONA LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR CAMPAIGN WORKERS,

COMMUNITY ACTIVISTS, AND MOST OTHER PEOPLE TO COLLECT BALLOTS

FOR DELIVERY TO POLLING PLACES, AND REQUIRES ELECTION OFFICIALS

TO DISCARD BALLOTS CAST AT THE WRONG PRECINCT.

WHEN JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT ASKED THE G.O.P.'S LAWYER WHY

REPUBLICANS CARED ABOUT THAT, HE WAS PRETTY CANDID: "BECAUSE IT

PUTS US AT A COMPETITIVE DISADVANTAGE, RELATIVE TO

DEMOCRATS," ADDING, "POLITICS IS A ZERO-SUM GAME."

YES, IT'S A ZERO-SUM GAME.

THE G.O.P. THINKS DEMOCRATS SHOULD HAVE ZERO VOTES AND THEY

HAVE SOME.

BUT ZERO SUM OR NOT, THE RIGHT TO VOTE IS NOT A GAME,

OTHERWISE, THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WOULD HAVE ENDED:

"OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE-- YAHTZEE!"

SO THIS LAWYER ADMITTED REPUBLICANS DON'T REALLY BELIEVE

IN DEMOCRACY.

INSTEAD, THEY BELIEVE IN-- I FORGET, WHAT IS IT?

>> UNLIMITED POWER!

>> Stephen: MITCH McCONNELL'S LOOKING GOOD.

I THINK HE'S HAD SOME WORK DONE.

A LITTLE FRESHEN-UP.

BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE ARIZONA LAW THESE REPUBLICANS

ARE FIGHTING FOR IN THE SUPREME COURT WAS ALREADY IN EFFECT

DURING THE LAST ELECTION, AND THEY LOST ANYWAY.

SO IF REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GAME THE SYSTEM AGAINST THE WILL

OF THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A LITTLE HARSHER.

JUST GO BACK TO POLL TESTS WITH UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS, LIKE

GUESS HOW MANY JELLYBEANS ARE IN A JAR OR "HOW DO YOU FOLD A

FITTED SHEET?" OR PUT THE POLLING PLACE IN THE

CENTER OF A MAZE AND HAVE IT GUARDED BY A MINOTAUR.

OR TED CRUZ.

EITHER WAY, THERE'S A LOT OF BULLCRAP.

SPEAKING OF GUYS WHO CAN REALLY SHOVEL IT, REMEMBER WHITE HOUSE

PHYSICIAN, CURRENT TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE, AND GUY WHO'S

PRETTY SURE HE HEARD THOSE TEENS MAKING FUN OF HIS HAT, DR. RONNY

JACKSON?

THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE INSPECTOR GENERAL JUST RELEASED

A REPORT ON DR. RONNY AND HIS BEHAVIOR DURING HIS TENURE AS

WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN, AND THE FINDINGS ARE NOT GOOD.

THE REPORT SAYS THAT JACKSON VIOLATED THE POLICY FOR DRINKING

ALCOHOL WHILE ON A PRESIDENTIAL TRIP, MADE "SEXUAL AND

DENIGRATING" COMMENTS ABOUT A FEMALE SUBORDINATE, AND TOOK

PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLEEPING MEDICATION THAT PROMPTED

CONCERNS ABOUT HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE PROPER CARE.

IT WAS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE STAFFING OF THE WHITE HOUSE

PHYSICIAN SINCE BILL CLINTON APPOINTED AEROSMITH.

THE REPORT FOCUSES ON A PARTICULAR TRIP TO THE

PHILIPPINES, WHERE A WITNESS SAYS AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVED IN

MANILA, JACKSON BEGAN DRINKING IN THE HOTEL LOBBY, THEN GOT

INTO A CAR WITH A DRINK IN HIS HAND "TO GO OUT ON THE TOWN."

ANOTHER WITNESS SAID THEY SAW JACKSON "POUNDING" ON THE DOOR

OF A FEMALE SUBORDINATE'S ROOM.

AND WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR, JACKSON SAID, "I NEED YOU.

I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM."

WOW, THAT IS EITHER EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, OR HE

COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THE HOTEL SHOWER.

"IT'S GOT A KNOB, BUT ALSO A LEVER, AND A BUTTON.

ONE SIDE SAYS 'HOT' AND THE OTHER SAYS 'PRESSURE?'

I JUST WANT TO WASH MY BODY SO I CAN THROW UP ON IT AGAIN."

AND IT GETS GROSSER, BECAUSE A WITNESS SAID THAT JACKSON TOLD

THEM THAT A FEMALE MEDICAL SUBORDINATE, WHO WAS ALSO ON THE

TRIP, HAD "GREAT (BLEEP)," ADDING, "WHAT A NICE (BLEEP)."

IN HIS DEFENSE, THAT'S JUST THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH HE TOOK.

"FIRST, DO NO HARM.

SECOND, TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT.

THIRD: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" JACKSON DENIED ALL THE

ALLEGATIONS IN THE REPORT, SAYING THAT THEY ARE

"POLITICALLY MOTIVATED" AND THAT THE INSPECTOR GENERAL SIMPLY

"RESURRECTED" OLD ALLEGATIONS.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE AIRTIGHT DEFENSE YOU THINK IT IS.

( AS DEFENDANT ) "YOUR HONOR, I COULDN'T HAVE

COMMITTED THOSE CRIMES.

I'VE BEEN SUSPECTED OF THEM FOR YEARS!"

DR. RONNY WENT ON TO SAY, "I FLAT OUT REJECT ANY ALLEGATION

THAT I CONSUMED ALCOHOL WHILE ON DUTY."

OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WERE SOBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS ABOUT

THE FORMER PRESIDENT: >> SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT

GENES.

I TOLD THE PRESIDENT IF HE HAD A HEALTHIER DIET OVER THE LAST 20

YEARS, HE MIGHT LIVE TO BE 200 YEARS OLD, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, HE HAS INCREDIBLE-- UH, HE HAS INCREDIBLE GENES, I JUST

ASSUME.

>> Stephen: OKAY, TO BE FAIR, HE DOESN'T SOUND DRUNK THERE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SMOKIN' CRANK'.

"SOME PEOPLE HAVE GREAT GENES.

I HAVE GREAT GENES.

I COULD PUNCH THROUGH A WALL.

I NEED YOU TO COME TO MY ROOM SO WE CAN START A BAND!

OR A RESTAURANT!

I'M SAD.

LET'S DANCE!" OKAY.

NOW, LET'S GET TO TONIGHT'S BIG STORY.

ON A RECENT FLIGHT THAT WAS HEADED TO QATAR, A STRAY CAT

STOWED AWAY, AND THE CAT APPARENTLY WENT ON A RAMPAGE IN