TOPICAL GRAPHICS, AND STRINGING THE NEWSIEST CUT-SCENES INTO AN

IMMERSIVE, NARRATIVE EXPERIENCE, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE

STATE-OF-THE-ART, VIRTUAL REALITY ROLE-PLAYING VIDEO GAME

EXPERIENCE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I BREAK INTO MY NEIGHBOR'S

GARAGE, STEAL AN OLD CARDBOARD BOX AND DRAW ON IT WHILE HUFFING

THE MARKERS.

THEN, I FASHION DICE OUT OF SOME TEETH I SWIPED FROM THE MORGUE,

SCULPT SOME GAME PIECES OUT OF THE CALCIFIED CHEWING GUM I

SCRAPE OFF THE BOTTOM OF A MOVIE THEATER SEAT, THEN INVITE YOU

ALL TO THE MOB-OPERATED, UNDERGROUND PARCHEESI LEAGUE OF

NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A BELOVED CHICAGO TRADITION IS ABOUT TO

DIE: THE CITY WILL NO LONGER ALLOW THE HALLOWED CHICAGO

INSTITUTION OF USING HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS TO CALL DIBS ON PARKING

SPOTS AFTER SNOW REMOVAL, BECAUSE STARTING THIS WEEK, DIBS

OBJECTS WILL NOW BE REMOVED BY TRASH CREWS.

WHICH MEANS I ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE HOURS TO HOLD THE SWEET

SPOT I'VE BEEN SAVING AT THE CORNER OF WELLS AND EUGENIE

SINCE 1991.

PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT!

I'M HAVING A SOFA DELIVERED ANY DAY NOW!

DIDN'T YOU LIVE IN WELLS AND EUGENEIE OR WAS IT-- WILLOW,

WERE YOU GENE EUGINIE AND MINOMINI AND WILLOW, SHE LIVED

ON MY CORNER, I THINK.

YOU DONE MINE IF I JUST TOSS-- -- TOSS IN MY WIFE AT THE

END OF THE SHOW, JUST SAY T WE WON'T BE OFFENDED, IT WILL BE

FINE.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN CALIFORNIA, "A PLASTIC SURGEON ATTENDED

VIDEO TRAFFIC COURT FROM THE OPERATING ROOM."

HERE'S A LOOK: >> UNLESS I AM MISTAKEN, I'M

SEEING A DEFENDANT THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPERATING ROOM,

APPEARING TO BE ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN PROVIDING SERVICES TO A

PATIENT.

IS THAT CORRECT, MR. GREEN?

>> YES, SIR.

>> I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE, FOR THE WELFARE OF THE PATIENT

IF YOU'RE IN THE PROCESS OF OPERATING THAT I WOULD PUT ON A

TRIAL.

>> I HAVE ANOTHER SURGEON RIGHT HERE WHO'S DOING THE SURGERY

WITH ME SO I CAN STAND HERE AND ALLOW THEM TO DO THE SURGERY

ALSO.

>> NOT AT ALL.

I DON'T THINK SO.

>> Stephen: CLEARLY DID NOT IMPRESS THE JUDGE.

AND THAT DOESN'T BODE WELL FOR YOUR CASE IN TRAFFIC COURT.

"YOUR HONOR, I WAS NOT DRIVING RECKLESSLY.

I ONLY BEHAVE THAT WAY WHILE PERFORMING SURGERY.

NOW, CAN YOU RULE ON THIS SPEEDING TICKET QUICKLY?

THIS GUY'S FLAT-LINING AND I HAVE TO ZOOM IN TO MY

MALPRACTICE TRIAL."

GET ME ANOTHER QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW APP

CALLED "DEEP NOSTALGIA" BRINGS NEW LIFE TO DEAD ANCESTORS BY

REANIMATING OLD PHOTOS.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

WOW!

THAT IS SO UPSETTING, THERE HAS TO BE A GERMAN WORD FOR HOW

I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO EVER SAID "I WONDER WHAT GRANDMA

WOULD LOOK LIKE IF AN ALIEN HID INSIDE HER TEENAGE SKIN."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, U.K. RAPPER SLOWTHAI HAS VOWED TO STOP

SPITTING IN PEOPLE'S MOUTHS AT GIGS THANKS TO THE CORONAVIRUS

PANDEMIC.

THAT'S A BOLD STANCE TO TAKE A YEAR INTO THE PANDEMIC.

NOW WE KNOW WHY HE'S NOT CALLED FAST-THAI.

DEVIL'S ADVOCATE: WHAT IS THE POINT OF SEEING YOUR FAVORITE

ARTISTS IN CONCERT IF THEY CAN'T SPIT IN YOUR MOUTH?

LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS IS AMERICA.

IF I FORK OVER 80 BUCKS TO SEE BOB DYLAN LIVE, IT'S BECAUSE

I EXPECT A HARD RAIN'S GONNA FA-ALLL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JANE FONDA.