- Yes.

But we're gonna do it my way

which is whatever way you think is best.

I make the rules and the first rule is

whatever you say goes.

(dramatic music)

- Who blew the whistle on me Grace?

Who's the rat?

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

- Telling you would violate my oath

as an administrator of human resources

and I would never do that, for less than $20.

(dramatic music)

- There.

Now, who was it?

- It was me.

- Grace, why?

- Because you're creating a ton of work for me.

You blew the whistle on 23 people yesterday.

- Well, I'm sorry for exposing the truth

like Edward Snowden.

- Please, you are nothing like Edward Snowden.

You lack his bravery, his integrity, his raw sexuality.

- God he's so hot.

- God he's so hot.

- I just wanna lick his glasses.

- All I can do is make him--

- I just wanna smother him in the cold rushing night.

- Anyway, this company does reprehensible things every day.

If you actually care

find a real problem to blow the whistle on.

- Okay but, what if I don't actually care?

- I don't care if he's in jail.

He's still Hampton Deville's top lawyer.

John, you wanted to see me.

- Yes, Kate I spent the whole morning

putting together something you're going to wanna see.

These are my wife's seven brothers

Randall, Robert, Roger, Ronald, Richard, Ryan, Ray.

Technically they're illiterate and they're all single

if you can believe it.

Now, Randall is a little off

but once you get to know him, it's actually really funny.

Like a deer that thinks it's a cat.

- John, why have you done this?

- Kate, my wife knows all about our sexual history.

I told her every lurid detail and she got mad.

- We had efficient sex one time at a corporate retreat,

it's no big deal.

Also, why is Gary here?

- I asked him to be our chaperone.

I could not tell my wife

that I was at a meal alone with another woman.

- This is not a meal.

- I mean, look,

I didn't wanna get into this in front of Gary but

I'm a little worried that you still have feelings for me.

And I just think it will put everyone's mind

at ease if you were in a committed relationship.

And my suggestion is Ryan 'cause he's a great kisser.

Gary prefers Robert

but whatever you do, don't pick Randall.

I just don't think you're his type.

- John, how do I put this harshly?

The moment your penis left my body

it was as if it had never been there.

(laughs)

- Ouch.

- So why don't we table this discussion forever

and get back to work?

- When I was a child, my mother had a rule,

only one cookie from the cookie jar per day.

Thing was I loved cookies.

I'd lie, cry, beg and scream until she would relent.

She could never say no.

When I was 11, her stepbrother crashed his car

while driving drunk so my mother gave him hers.

So she had to walk to work four miles each way.

One morning, she stopped to admire a beautiful deer

standing in a field and that's when a midsize sedan

careened onto the sidewalk and crushed her.

Turned out the driver of the car

was her stepbrother drunk yet again on light beer.

My mother spent months in the hospital recovering

unable to work.

Desperate for cash, we sold everything

except for this cookie jar.

Cookie?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

- For later. - No, thank you.

- As an accountant,

it's my job to keep the lid on the cookie jar,

which brings us to the expense report

from your recent business trip to Los Angeles.

What I need for you to answer me is this,

How did four Hampton Deville employees

in the course of one dinner at

Marcus Sombreros Mexican Bar and Grill

managed to drink 16 margaritas.

(laughs)

- Hey Paige, I brought in cupcakes for everyone.

- Why?

- Just to brighten your day.

Listen, I know everyone's feeling a little down

about the desk sensors which you shouldn't

because there's nothing to worry about.

But hopefully these cupcakes will cheer you up

and remind you that I've always got your back.

- We've always got your back too Matt.

(laughs)

- Well, y'all deserve a chuckle

and I'm just happy to provide it.

All right, you know what?

Hit me in the back with a cupcake once shame on me

but hit me in the back with a cupcake twice

(shrieks)

okay, you know what?

I am your friend but I am also your superior.

And so the next person that throws a cupcake at me

is gonna get in trouble, big time trouble.

(dramatic music)

- You big brother mother.

(dramatic music)

- Since someone's done the paper straw

why don't we do a plastic straw?

- I was just thinking that.

Yeah, great idea Kev.

- John that doesn't make any sense.

Plastic straws are the problem.

- Problem yeah, you know I was just thinking that.

But piggybacking off Kev's idea about plastic straws

what about does wooden straws make sense?

- People feel guilty about their cars in the environment.

What if we did Lyft but with, I don't know, horses.

- Horses, yap.

I was just thinking that.

Great idea both of us, mostly me.

(gentle music)

- Also have you noticed that

Jake's been ending conversations by saying peace now?

Where did that come from?

- As long as it means he's leaving the room,

I'm fine with whatever he says.

- You know it's funny I was just thinking that.

- You know that's hilarious because I was just thinking

that you were just thinking that.

(laughs)

- Hi Tammy. - Hi Tammy.

- Hey Matt, hey Jake.

- The writers of the note have shit for brains.

They act like they're tough, but have no game.

They wouldn't know what to do with good coffee

if it bit them in the ass.

- I guess I should get back to the grind, peace.

(upbeat music)

- There's something we need to discuss with you

but you have to swear on the Bible

that this stays between us.

This has the New Testament for Matt

and the prequel for Jake.

- John forget the goddamn Bible.

- Yes, sir.

- We are making a play against Christian.

And if you side with us

you will have more money and power than you ever dreamed of.

- Congrats sluts, your days of doing grunt work

are finally over.

- From this moment forward

you are no longer junior executives in training.

- You're now senior executives.

- In theory.

All you have to do is walk out that door.

- Actually, we decided we like where we're at.

- You guys just seem really stressed out all the time.

- With very little power comes very little responsibility.

- We're Buddhist now.

- Well sucks to be you then.

You're gonna have more money and power

whether you like it or not.

- And the bigger office. - We like this office.

- How do you like it now, huh?

- Hey.

- How about now, huh?

- How about now?

- We are taking Christian down.

- And so are you, more money you sluts, what more?

(dramatic music)

Ouch, Ouch!