I hired a professional tailor

to help design the chili suit

based on a detailed sketch I had drawn.

- The easiest way is probably to put the chili in--

I guess from the neck part, right?

- Sure.

Our plan was to have the chili reservoirs

mimic the distribution of fat on a larger man's body

so it wouldn't look suspicious under clothing,

and with the help of a guy from Craigslist,

our tailor was able to take all the measurements he needed.

- The chili is gonna go here. - Mm-hmm.

- And we can get more in here too.

- You could probably do, like, a cup there, right?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Cup or so?

- Yeah, a cup, yeah. - Yeah. Okay.

- All right, so we'll see you around, then.

- Yeah. Thank you so much.

And a few days later, we received

a completed prototype

of a heat-resistant polyvinyl fluoride suit

designed to hold over 100 servings

of fresh chili.

The individual reservoirs would be linked

by a network of tubes that would all lead

to a battery-powered peristaltic pump

for dispensing the chili.

Using our intake funnel,

we loaded in over 30 pounds of Robert's product

that had been blended into a thin paste

to ensure an even flow without compromising the flavo.

So with that, I activated the pump,

and it was time to see if this could work.

[motor whirring]

As I had hoped,

the pump dispensed the chili

at a steady pace,

which was good,

but I realized we had overlookd

a crucial detail.

The chili suit prevented bathroom access,

and because of its weight,

removing it during a game

would not be an option.

So I experimented with a design

that would allow me to deposit my excretions

directly into custom rubber underwear

connected to a secondary pumping system

so I could eject it into a toilet

via a second tube down my right arm.

But once I had some clothing o,

I realized the potential for a costly mix-up

was too great.

So I had the bottom part of the suit

redesigned with strategic holes

in the groin and buttocks regin

that would allow the wearer

to relieve him or herself

without taking off the suit.

But there was still the issue of the temperature.

To meet health department standards,

Robert said the chili would have to remain

above 135 degrees Fahrenheit at all times.

But when I put it on, the heat was so intense

that I could barely have it against my skin

for more than a few seconds.

So I tracked down some heat-resistant polymer gel

that could insulate the body

against the most extreme temperatures.

- Feel anything?

- No. - Good.

- I did a preliminary test

with a blowtorch on various parts of my body

to ensure the gel would protect even my most sensitive regions.

[groaning]

And after getting gelled up from head to toe,

the burning sensation had completely vanished.

Yeah.

It seemed like we had solved every problem,

but there was still one final thing I had to take care of.

The pump on my chest that made the chili suit function

was made out of metal,

and to get into Rabobank Arena,

every ticket holder has to pass through a metal detector.

So I figured if I could convince security

that I had a medically necessary pacemake,

they wouldn't be suspicious when the alarm went off.

So I taped a real pacemaker to my chest

and then headed to a walk-in clinic

to request an X-ray

that would hopefully trick the physician

into writing me a doctor's not.

- I would need to actually examine you

and see why is it that you need the X-ray.

I have to have a reason why.

- Well, I'm paying you for it,

so what do you care?

- I'm actually-- legally, it's being...

monitored to see why we're ordering an X-ray.

- Oh.

Well, what's the minimum I need to say

to get one?

- Either some area hurts of your chest or--

- Sure. - You're having a cough.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Are you-- what are you experiencing?

- Yeah, both those. Yeah.

- Mm-kay.

- Just step as close as you can,

and you're gonna take this shirt off, okay?

- Your undershirt will be fine,

but I gotta get rid of the buttons, okay?

- Okay. Okay, sure.

- Take a big breath.

Hold it.

- And once the doctor saw

the pacemaker on my X-ray...

- It looks like it's in well position

and no abnormalities.

- She wrote me a doctor's note that would hopefully

get me through security.

Thank you so much, Doctor.

And that meant it was finally time to buy a ticket

to the next Bakersfield Condors home game.