WELCOME, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT WAS 63 DEGREES IN NEW YORK TODAY, ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!

NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY!

AND I SPENT THE WHOLE THING INSIDE IN A SERIES OF DARK,

DIRTY ROOMS TO HAVE TONIGHT'S SHOW PREPARED FOR YOU.

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT, AMERICA!

AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

LET'S GET RIGHT TO TONIGHT'S BIG, BREAKING STORY.

♪ ♪ ♪ THIS JUST IN: THERE WAS AN

INTERVIEW FROM FEBRUARY THAT AIRED TWO DAYS AGO.

EVERYONE-- AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ONE OF THE "EVERY"-- IS

STILL TALKING ABOUT OPRAH'S EXCLUSIVE SIT-DOWN WITH THE DUKE

AND DUCHESS OF NETFLIX, HARRY AND MEGHAN, WHO ACCUSED MEMBERS

OF THE ROYAL FAMILY OF BEING RACIST.

TOUGH CHARGE.

I'M SURE THAT MADE THEIR HACKLES RISE.

ONE OF THE SIGNS OF INBREEDING IS A RISEN HACKLE.

PALACE SOURCES SAY THAT THE WINDSORS WERE BLINDSIDED BECAUSE

THEY THOUGHT, AT WORST, THE INTERVIEW WOULD MAKE THEM LOOK

OUT OF TOUCH, BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THE PALACE

SURROUNDED BY IRON SPIKES LOOKED LIKE BEFORE, IT WAS "IN TOUCH."

NOW, REMEMBER TO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE LADY WHOSE

FACE IS ON THE COINS.

FOR DAYS, THE ROYALS WERE SILENT, BUT THIS AFTERNOON,

THE PALACE ISSUED THIS STATEMENT:

( CLEARS THROAT ) ( BELL RINGING )

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

A STATEMENT FROM HER-- HOLD ON.

( LAUGHTER ) A STATEMENT--

( BELL RINGING ) A STATEMENT FROM HER MAJESTY,

THE QUEEN."

BUT FIRST, TO ALLOW ME TO FORGET I'M AN AMERICAN WHO DOES NOT

GIVE A DAMN...

( LAUGHTER ) "THE WHOLE FAMILY IS SADDENED TO

LEARN THE FULL EXTENT OF HOW CHALLENGING THE LAST FEW YEARS

HAVE BEEN FOR HARRY AND MEGHAN.

THE ISSUES RAISED, PARTICULARLY THAT OF RACE, ARE CONCERNING.

WHILE SOME RECOLLECTIONS MAY VARY--"

OH, YEAH, "RECOLLECTIONS MAY VARY."

YOU BETTER HOPE NO ONE RECOLLECTS ANY OF THIS.

MAY I RECOMMEND THE FORGETTING WRENCH.

I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE-- EVERYONE FROM LOONY TOONS FOR

LEFT-HANDING US THIS.

( LAUGHTER ) THE STATEMENT CONTINUES, "THEY

ARE TAKEN VERY SERIOUSLY, AND WILL BE ADDRESSED BY THE FAMILY

PRIVATELY."

OH, NO DOUBT.

I HEAR PRINCE ANDREW HAS AN ISLAND HE GOES TO TO ADDRESS HIS

PRIVATES.

IT ROYALS ON, "HARRY, MEGHAN AND ARCHIE WILL ALWAYS BE MUCH LOVED

FAMILY MEMBERS."

WHICH IS NICE, BUT THEN, IN ALL-CAPS IT SAYS, "ENDS."

THAT SOUNDS OMINOUS, BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT'S HOW THEY SAY GOOD

NIGHT IN THE ROYAL FAMILY.

"I HOPE YOU'VE HAD A LOVELY DAY, DARLING.

ENDS."

( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: THAT ACTUALLY HURTS, BY THE WAY.

AFTER THE INTERVIEW HIT THE AIRWAVES, FANS OF THE ROYAL

FAMILY DUMPED A CRUMPET IN THEIR KNICKERS, ESPECIALLY TV ORGANISM

PIERS MORGAN, SEEN HERE GETTING HIS TALLYWHACKER WHACKED.

MORGAN DEFENDED A ROYAL FAMILY MEMBER ASKING HARRY ABOUT HIS

BABY'S SKIN COLOR BY SAYING THIS:

>> CAN I PUT TO YOU JUST A SCENARIO THAT MAY HAVE

HAPPENED-- AND I WONDER WHETHER YOU FIND THIS-- YOU WOULD

AUTOMATICALLY THINK THIS IS OFFENSIVE AND RACIST.

IF YOU HAVE TWO PARENTS, ONE IS WHITE AND ONE IS BLACK, AS IN

MEGHAN'S CASE, AND SHE'S PREGNANT AND GOING TO HAVE A

BABY, IS IT RACIST AND OFFENSIVE FOR A FAMILY MEMBER TO SAY, "OH,

WHAT COLOR MIGHT THE BABY BE?" >> Stephen: UH, I KNOW THE

ANSWER: YOU'RE A SPOTTED DICK.

PIERS ALSO RESPONDED TO MEGHAN MARKLE'S VERY PERSONAL

REVELATIONS ABOUT WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH AT BUCKINGHAM

PALACE.

>> MEGHAN HAS, WITHIN THIS INTERVIEW, SAID IT GOT SO

BAD THAT SHE WAS SUICIDAL.

>> I'M SORRY, I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS, MEGHAN MARKLE.

>> Stephen: ( AS PIERS MORGAN ) "HELLO, SUICIDE HOTLINE, PIERS

SPEAKING.

OH, REALLY?

I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD YOU'RE SAYING.

OH, YOU'RE ON THE BRIDGE RIGHT NOW?

REALLY?

WELL, IF YOU'RE SO MISERABLE, WHY DON'T YOU PROVE IT?

HELLO?

HELLO?

ANOTHER HANG UP.

THIRD LIAR OF THE WEEK."

AS MUCH AS PIERS LOVES TO DISH OUT THE CRITICISM, HE SURE CAN'T

TAKE IT.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE GOT A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH

MEGHAN MARKLE, OR HAD ONE, AND SHE CUT YOU OFF.

SHE'S ENTITLED TO CUT YOU OFF IF SHE WANTS TO.

HAS SHE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOU SINCE SHE CUT YOU OFF?

I DON'T THINK SHE HAS, BUT YET YOU CONTINUE TO TRASH HER--

>> OKAY, I'M DONE WITH THIS.

>> NO, NO, NO!

>> SORRY, NOPE.

NOPE, SORRY.

YOU CAN TRASH ME, MATE, BUT NOT ON MY OWN SHOW.

>> OH, THAT'S PATHETIC.

NO, NO, NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS.

>> SEE YOU LATER.

SORRY, CAN'T DO THIS.

>> Stephen: PIERS MORGAN IS SUCH A BABY, SOMEONE AT BUCKINGHAM

PALACE JUST ASKED WHAT COLOR HE'S GOING TO BE.

PIERS DIDN'T JUST STORM OFF THE SET IN SLOW-MOTION TWIT SNIT. HE

STORMED OFF THE WHOLE SHOW, BECAUSE A FEW HOURS AGO, HIS

NETWORK ANNOUNCED "PIERS MORGAN HAS DECIDED NOW IS THE TIME TO

LEAVE 'GOOD MORNING BRITAIN.'" CONGRATULATIONS.

TOMORROW'S GOING TO BE A GREAT MORNING, BRITAIN.

BACK STATESIDE-- ( BELL RINGING )

AND WE LEAVE ENGLAND!

AND WE LEAVE ENGLAND!

BACK STATESIDE, IN THE LATEST COVID NEWS, THERE MIGHT BE A DAY

WHERE I CAN STOP SAYING "IN THE LATEST COVID NEWS!"

BECAUSE U.S. CORONAVIRUS CASES HAVE POSTED THEIR SLOWEST SPREAD

SINCE THE PANDEMIC BEGAN.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY ABOUT A SLOW SPREAD SINCE THAT GUY WAS

PEEING IN MY SUBWAY CAR.

PEOPLE ARE FINALLY STARTING TO SEE SIGNS THAT LIFE IS TRICKLING

BACK.

THANKS TO NEW C.D.C. GUIDELINES, VACCINATED GRANDPARENTS CAN ONCE

AGAIN VISIT ADULT CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN.

THIS MEANS SO MUCH FOR SENIORS WHO'VE BEEN ISOLATED.

GRANDKIDS, TIME TO PUT ON A SNORKEL, BECAUSE THE FORECAST

CALLS FOR EXTENDED BOSOM HUGS.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

ISN'T THAT GREAT.

WE CAN HUG OUR PARENTS AGAIN.

LEAVE RIGHT NOW AND GO DOWN THERE!

THE C.D.C. ALSO SAYS THAT VACCINATED ADULTS MAY BEGIN TO

PLAN MASK-FREE DINNERS WITH VACCINATED FRIENDS.

DINNERS!

WITH FRIENDS!

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

ALTHOUGH, AFTER A YEAR IN LOCKDOWN, I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT

TO MAKE MY FRIENDS SEE HOW I EAT NOW.

"MY MUG OF RANCH DRESSING IS RUNNING LOW!

AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT MY STRING-CHEESE DRY?"

THESE VACCINES ARE CHANGING SENIORS' LIVES.

ONE NEW YORK WOMAN TOLD REPORTERS THAT WHEN SHE'S

ALLOWED TO BE WITH FAMILY, "SHE INTENDS TO RE-CELEBRATE EVERY

MISSED HOLIDAY, STARTING WITH HANUKAH AND WORKING HER WAY BACK

THROUGH THE CALENDAR."

SAME HERE!

BUT I'M GOING TO GET THEM ALL IN AT ONCE:

THANKS-FATHER'S-EASTER-HANNUKA- TINES DAY OF JULY!

I'M GOING TO EAT A TURKEY STUFFED WITH CANDY HEARTS AND

DREIDELS, AND ALL THE KIDS WILL RUN AROUND THE YARD WITH THEIR

STOCKINGS LOOKING FOR PAINTED FIREWORKS LEFT BY THE PASSOVER

BUNNY.

OUR NEW LEASE ON LIFE IS ALL THANKS TO IMPROVED VACCINATION

RATES.

IN FACT, THE ROLLOUT IS GOING SO WELL, THAT IN THE NEXT TWO

MONTHS, THE U.S. IS EXPECTED TO HAVE 500 MILLION DOSES, WHICH IS

ENOUGH TO FILL A 55,000-GALLON SWIMMING POOL-- THOUGH I THINK

IT WOULD BE BETTER TO PUT IT IN THE SYRINGES.

OTHERWISE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET INOCULATED SCROOGE McDUCK

STYLE.

OH, THERE'S MORE GOOD NEWS: EXPERTS ARE PREDICTING THAT THE

ECONOMY COULD SURGE THANKS TO THE VACCINE ROLLOUT AND BIDEN'S

COVID STIMULUS PLAN, WHICH WILL SEND MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

$1,400 CHECKS.

I HAVE A FEELING A LOT OF MAGA FOLKS ARE ABOUT TO ACCEPT THE

ELECTION RESULTS.

JOE'S NOT PUTTING HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS LIKE THE LAST GUY,

BUT THEY ARE GOING TO SAY, "WHO'S SLEEPY NOW, BEEEOTCH?"

THIS STIMULUS IS DESPERATELY NEEDED SO, NATURALLY, SENATE

REPUBLICANS VOTED UNANIMOUSLY AGAINST IT.

TO BE FAIR, THEY ARE BUSY FIGHTING FOR OTHER ISSUES

AMERICANS CARE DEEPLY ABOUT, LIKE ENSURING THAT MR. POTATO

HEAD KEEPS HIS BEAUTIFUL PENIS.

EVEN THOUGH 77% OF AMERICANS SUPPORT THE STIMULUS PLAN, IT

GOT SLAMMED BY SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND GRANDPA ABOUT

TO PUT A CHILD'S IMAGINARY FRIEND OUT OF ITS MISERY, MITCH

McCONNELL.

WHEN THE BILL PASSED, McCONNELL SAID THIS:

>> THE SENATE HAS NEVER SPENT.

$2 TRILLION IN A MORE HAPHAZARD WAY.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

McCONNELL IS CLEARLY FORGETTING WHEN THE NEW DEAL BAILED OUT

DUST BOWL FARMERS VIA MONEY BOOTH.

McCONNELL'S ALSO CONVENIENTLY FORGETTING THE REPUBLICAN TAX

CUT THAT ADDED NEARLY $2 TRILLION TO THE FEDERAL DEBT.

AND THAT MONEY OVERWHELMINGLY WENT TO CORPORATIONS AND RICH

FOLKS, LIKE MARK ZUCKERBERG, WHO I'M SURE JUST BLEW IT ON

LUXURIES LIKE FANCY HAIRCUTS AND SUNSCREEN.

I THINK THAT WAS ZUCKERBERG.

WAS THAT ZUCKERBERG?

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A PHOTO FROM THE NEW CBS

HIT PROCEDURAL, HIGH SEAS MIME CRIME "SILENT AND DEADLY."

BY CONTRAST, BIDEN'S COVID RELIEF PLAN-- WHICH, AGAIN, NOT

ONE DAMN REPUBLICAN VOTED FOR-- TARGETS LOW-INCOME EARNERS SO

EFFECTIVELY THAT IT WILL LIFT MORE THAN 13 MILLION PEOPLE FROM

POVERTY THIS YEAR AND CUT CHILD POVERTY NEARLY IN HALF, TO WHICH

PIERS MORGAN ASKED, "WHAT COLOR MIGHT THESE CHILDREN BE?"

SPEAKING OF THE PRESIDENT, YESTERDAY, HE HELD AN EVENT

HONORING INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, WHERE HE NOMINATED TWO

FEMALE GENERALS TO FOUR-STAR COMMANDS.

IT WAS SO INSPIRING FOR ALL THE LITTLE GIRLS OUT THERE WHO DREAM

OF GROWING UP AND LAUNCHING AIR STRIKES ON SYRIA.

BUT THE EVENT WASN'T WITHOUT SOME OF THAT CLASSIC BIDEN GAFFE

MAGIC, BECAUSE IT SURE SEEMED LIKE HE FORGOT THE NAME OF HIS

OWN SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, GENERAL LLOYD AUSTIN:

>> I WANT TO THANK THE SEC-- THE FORMAL GENERAL-- I KEEP CALLING

HIM "GENERAL," BUT MY-- THE GUY WHO RUNS THAT OUTFIT OVER THERE.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE WE THANK THE SECRETARY FOR ALL HE'S DONE.

>> Stephen: ( AS BIDEN ) "I WANNA THANK THE GUY...

WITH THE JOB, OLD JOHNNY MONEY GUNS OVER THERE WITH THE BOOM

BOOM AND THE PEW PEW!

HE DOES GREAT WORK FOR THE WHOLE OUTFIT!

WITH THE UNIFORMS AND EVERYTHING.

I WANT TO THANK MY SECRETARY OF TRAINS AND PLANES, LITTLE

MAYOR TOOT-TOOT!

AND OVER IN EDUCATION, SECRETARY TEACH-'EM-UPS!

THANKS, TEACH!

THEY'RE ALL FANTASTIC!

C'MON, JACK!

IS IT JACK?

IS IT SECRETARY JACK McJACK, JACK?"

OF COURSE, THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE SLIP-UP.

THE SCANDAL BLOWING WASHINGTON OPEN TODAY INVOLVES PRESIDENTIAL

DOG, MAJOR BIDEN.

LAST WEEK, THE FIRST DOG REPORTEDLY WAS A BIT

"AGGRESSIVE" AND AS A RESULT, WAS "SENT BACK TO DELAWARE."

NOW, BEFORE YOU WORRY, THE DOG IS FINE.

HE WASN'T SENT TO A FARM UPSTATE IN DELAWARE, BECAUSE DELAWARE

DOESN'T HAVE AN UPSTATE.

IT BARELY HAS A STATE.

APPARENTLY, THE THREE-YEAR-OLD GERMAN SHEPHERD HAD A "BITING

INCIDENT" WITH A MEMBER OF WHITE HOUSE SECURITY.

YOU CAN'T BLAME MAJOR.

HE WAS JUST FOLLOWING THE PRESIDENT'S EXAMPLE.

RUH-ROH!

I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT THAT WE'RE A MONTH AND A HALF INTO

THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION, AND THE FIRST SCANDAL IS LITERALLY

"DOG BITES MAN."

AND MAJOR ISN'T THE FIRST FIRST PET TO MISBEHAVE IN THE WHITE

HOUSE.

WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN SUNNY OBAMA KNOCKED OVER A KID, OR WHEN

BARNEY BUSH LIED ABOUT W.M.D.s IN IRAQ.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

RIZ AHMED IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

JOIN US.

♪ ♪ ♪