Hello! [ Cheers and applause ]

你好！ [歡呼聲和掌聲][歡呼聲和掌聲]

And welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"，各位。

Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]

謝謝你的觀看。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Thank you for being here.

謝謝你來這裡。

Well, guys, big news in Washington today as Congress

好了，夥計們，今天華盛頓的重大新聞，因為國會... ...

finally passed the $1.9 trillion COVID relief package.

最終通過了1.9萬億美元的COVID救濟方案。

That's right! [ Cheers and applause ]

這就對了！[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed.

大多數美國人都為法案的通過感到興奮。

In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.

事實上，拜登總統太興奮了，他剛剛咬了他的狗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, this bill is huge.

沒錯，這個法案很龐大。

It's $1.9 trillion.

是1.9萬億美元。

That's like a dollar for every e-mail you got this year

這就像你今年收到的每封郵件都能得到一美元一樣

that started with, "in these challenging times."

以 "在這個充滿挑戰的時代 "開始的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, tomorrow, President Biden will deliver

同時，明天，拜登總統將發表

his first prime-time address

首次在黃金時段發表講話

to mark the one-year anniversary of the COVID shutdown.

以紀念COVID關閉一週年。

Yeah, one year ago today, many Americans left

是啊，一年前的今天，很多美國人離開了。

half a sandwich in their office like,

半個三明治在他們的辦公室裡像。

"Eh, I'll get it tomorrow." [ Laughter ]

"誒，我明天去拿。"[笑聲]

Yep, Biden's very busy.

是的 拜登很忙

Yesterday, he visited a local hardware store

昨天，他去了當地的一家五金店

that received a small-business loan.

獲得小企業貸款的。

And I thought his conversation

我還以為他的談話

with the owners was pretty interesting.

與業主是相當有趣的。

Take a look at this video.

看看這個視頻。

[ Laughter and applause ] What?

[笑聲和掌聲] 什麼？

Later in the conversation, this happened.

後來在談話中，發生了這樣的事情。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

I just found it odd, but then he left them with this.

我只是覺得很奇怪，但他卻給他們留下了這個。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

What's he talking about?

他在說什麼？

What?

什麼？

Some business news here.

這裡有些商業新聞。

I saw that 7-Eleven is adding something new to its menu,

我看到7 -Eleven的菜單上增加了新的東西。

and judging by the reactions, it should be a huge hit.

而從反應來看，它應該是一個巨大的打擊。

-7-Eleven is adding a new item to its hot-food lineup --

7-Eleven在其熱食系列中增加了一個新項目---------。

fish bites.

魚咬。

-Fish bites.

-被魚咬了。

-I just think that's a bad idea.

-我只是覺得這是個壞主意。

-I have a very sensitive stomach, so I just get worried.

-我有一個非常敏感的胃，所以我只是擔心。

I'm like, "Ooh, I don't know."

我想，"哦，我不知道。"

-I have never been one to do fast-food fish.

-我從不做快餐魚。

-This isn't even fast-food fish.

-這甚至不是快餐魚。

This is 7-Eleven!

這裡是7 -Eleven！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-When the fish bites were added to the hot-food case,

-當魚餌被加入到熱食案中時。

a 50-year-old taquito was like, "Welcome to hell, bitch!"

一個50歲的taquito就像，"歡迎來到地獄，婊子！"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

I know they've been busy, but how does the CDC

我知道他們很忙，但疾控中心是怎麼做到的？

let this slip through the cracks?

漏網之魚？

You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]

你知道我在說什麼嗎？[笑聲]

But this is nice. If you order the fish bites,

但這是好的。如果你點了魚咬。

they just automatically hand you the bathroom key.

他們只是自動遞給你浴室的鑰匙。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, I'd rather eat the bathroom key.

其實，我更願意吃衛生間的鑰匙。

[ Laughter ] Hey, well, this is cool.

[笑]嘿，好了，這是酷。

I saw that yesterday Timbaland and Swizz Beatz

我昨天看到Timbaland和Swizz Beatz了

sold the streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

將流媒體平臺Verzuz賣給了Triller。

I feel like that sentence might be a little confusing

我覺得這句話可能會讓人覺得有點混亂。

if you don't know what those things are,

如果你不知道這些東西是什麼。

so here, let's test that theory out.

所以在這裡，讓我們來測試一下這個理論。

It's time for "Tell a Grandparent."

現在是 "告訴祖父母 "的時間。

♪ -Tell a grandparent ♪

告訴祖父母

-Now, we arranged for one of our staff members' grandparents

-現在，我們安排了我們的一個工作人員的爺爺奶奶。

to join us on Zoom so we could tell them

加入我們的Zoom，這樣我們就可以告訴他們。

the news and get their reaction.

的新聞，並得到他們的反應。

Bob and Margaret, are you there?

鮑勃和瑪格麗特，你在嗎？

-Hi, Jimmy.

-嗨，吉米

-Thank you for joining us today.

-謝謝你今天加入我們的行列。

Are you ready for your news?

你準備好你的新聞了嗎？

-Sure.

-當然

-Alright, yesterday, Timbaland and Swizz Beatz

-好吧，昨天，Timbaland和Swizz Beatz...

sold streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

將流媒體平臺Verzuz賣給了Triller。

-I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

-對不起，你能再說一遍嗎？你能再說一遍嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Sure.

-當然

Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold

Timbaland和Swizz Beatz賣了

streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

流媒體平臺Verzuz向Triller。

-You think that's news?

-你認為這是新聞？

Call us back when Jay-Z sells Tidal to Clubhouse.

等Jay -Z把Tidal賣給Clubhouse的時候再打給我們。

[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh!

[笑聲和掌聲] 哦！

-What? What?

-什麼？什麼？ -什麼？

I didn't -- That didn't go how I planned.

我沒有... ... 這不是我計劃的那樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Did they dab at the end?

他們在最後的時候蹭了嗎？

Over in New Jersey, I read about an Amtrak worker

在新澤西州，我讀到了一個美國鐵路公司的工人的故事。

who is being accused of stealing some interesting equipment.

他被指控偷了一些有趣的設備。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-An Amtrak engineer from New Jersey is accused of

-一位來自新澤西州的美國鐵路公司的工程師被控

stealing 77 chain saws, 103 chain-saw bars,

偷盜油鋸77臺，油鋸條103根。

and 163 chains from Amtrak.

和美國鐵路公司的163鏈。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Luckily, he'll have no problem in jail.

-幸運的是，他在監獄裡不會有問題。

They're like, "What are you in for?"

他們就像，"你在幹什麼？"

"Stealing chain saws."

"偷鏈鋸。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Every birthday, his wife looks at her gift box like,

每逢生日，他的妻子都會像看禮盒一樣。

"Let me guess -- another chain saw."

"讓我猜猜，又是一把鏈鋸。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Put it in the closet with the other ones."

"把它和其他的放在衣櫃裡"

And, finally, a lot of people are talking about a TikTok

最後，很多人都在討論一個TikTok

that shows off one family's DIY quarantine project.

展示了一個家庭的DIY檢疫項目。

Watch this.

看這個。

-During quarantine,

-隔離期間；

my husband built a video rental store in our basement.

我丈夫在我們的地下室建了一個視頻租賃店。

Instead of refinishing our kitchen cabinets,

而不是重新裝修我們的廚房櫥櫃。

he decided to build a video rental store.

他決定建立一個視頻租賃店。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Meanwhile, their friends are like, "I'm starting to think

-同時，他們的朋友們都說："我開始想了

that GoFundMe wasn't to help with their mortgage."

那GoFundMe不是為了幫助他們的抵押貸款。"