- Mm-hmm. - I told her straight out.

I just said it, man.

I said it, I said, I said, I said-

I said, "Bi-" - Hey guys!

- Hey girl, how you doing! - Oh, hey!

- You having a good time? - You having-

♪ Oh, I want you ♪

♪ But I don't need you ♪

- Neil.

Neil!

- Yes, honey?

- Neil DeGrasse Tyson,

I asked you to take the dog out for a walk

when I left the house four hours ago.

Now, I come back and this little mother (beep) Sputnik

has done pissed on my drapes!

Now, I've gotta get rid of those things and get new ones.

Neil, it doesn't make any sense.

You're an astrophysicist.

How can you not keep track of little details like this?

- Well, actually, it's the little details

that cannot be kept track of by definition.

In 1927, a German university lecturer

named Warner Heisenberg, came to a seemingly

paradoxical conclusion, that the more we know

about the position of a particle in physical space,

the less we know about its momentum and vice versa.

- Okay, but what does that have to-

- Taken in conjunction with what we know

about the expansion of the universe,

this brings us to a fascinating possibility.

That maybe what we experience as one point in time space

could actually be a legion of points,

which would mean that your curtains

and little Sputnik's pee pee could be as distant

from one another as we are from the furthest galaxy.

- Okay.

Well, just, next time.

- Of course, dear.

- Neil!

There you are.

What are you doing?

We have to go to my Aunt Nellie's funeral.

How are you not ready?

I've been talking to you about this all week.

How am I gonna find you in your boxers

looking at a science magazine?

(sighs) I swear, Neil, sometimes I think

you don't have any idea of what's important.

- Well, actually, an idea of what's important

is as close as we can ever come

to any definition of importance.

Our galaxy is one of over 100 billion

in the observable universe.

And, it's 100,000 light years across,

which means it would take light 100,000 years to traverse.

- Okay, but-

- But that's just space.

If we were to chart the history of the universe

on one calendar year,

the history of mankind as we know it

would just take place in the final second of that year.

So, whether I'm ready now or in 500 years,

well, cosmically speaking, the distinction is meaningless.

- Well, okay.

I'm going now.

- Goodbye, honey.

- Neil!

Who is she?

Who is the white bitch that left this goddamn

lipstick stain on your collar?

Hm?

Oh, I got you!

You're caught.

Because this is apricot colored,

and you know who wears that?

White bitches!

And you can't talk your way out of this one,

'cause I'm not getting confused today,

'cause I got my (beep) in order

and I've done my research.

Okay, Neil?

You see, we are here at this point in space time

on a human scale,

but at this point you a trifling ass mother (beep),

so expect the papers from my lawyer,

'cause we're parting ways.

- Well, actually.

- No, no.

- We are always parting ways and not parting ways

and every conceivable combination.

Many physicists, including Stephen Hawking,

now believe that there is an infinite number of universes.

It's called multiverse theory,

and it suggests that there are

an infinite number of universes

in which I didn't have sex with that white woman.

- I (beep) Bill Nye the Science Guy.

- You bitch.

(doorbell rings)

- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey!

- All right. - Hi sweetie.

That's for you. - Hey Trace, how you doin'?

- Check out the house! - Oh my!

- Girl, I got a sunk in tube, you gotta see it!

- Oh, I've got to see this.

- All right. - You two

have a good time now. - Have fun, have fun!

Dude, I am sorry we're late!

- Man, it happens man.

- Man, she talked about how we were supposed

to be in the car at 6:45,

I'm like, "All right." - Uh oh!

- Tell me my dumbass ain't sitting in the car

waiting until 7:15. - Nuh-uh!

- Okay, when I tracked my wife down 20 minutes later,

she's stepping out the damn shower,

talkin' 'bout, "Can I help you?"

- See, that's crazy right there.

- Craig, I looked this woman in the eye, I said,

"Bitch, you told me 6:45!"

- You said that? - (scoffs) Yeah, I said,

"Bitch!"

Then I laid it out. - Yeah, but you said

bitch though?

- Hmm?

- You said bitch?

- Yeah.

- [Woman] You gotta see the fire place

downstairs in the living room.

- Okay.

Don't play games man, just tell me what you gonna tell me!

- Exactly, it's like, say what you mean, mean what you say!

- Is that so hard?

- It's like last week man,

we going out to dinner, right?

I'm like, "Where do you wanna go?"

She's like, "You decide." - Uh-oh!

- I'm like, "All right, Outback Steakhouse."

She like, "Nah." - Mm-hmm.

- I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's."

She's like, "Ehh."

- No. - No.

Darryl, I named seven more restaurants!

- No Craig, no!

- I finally said Taylor's.

- The place I know she wants to go in the first place.

- Right, right! - She looked at me, she said,

"If that's where you wanna go."

- No she didn't Craig!

- If that's where I wanna go.

Darryl, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.

- Mm-hmm. - I told her straight out.

I just said it man.

I said it, I said, I said, I said,

I said, "Bi-" - Hey guys.

- Hey girl, how you doing! - Oh, hey!

- You having a good time? - You having fun?

- You seen the bedroom? - We was just looking

at the water. - You see the washing machine?

A washer machine, it's huge! - Water up on the

ceiling here. - You get a whole bunch of

clothes in that washing machine!

- Baby, I'ma take her back up to the kitchen

and show her the dish washer.

- Darryl? - Yeah, baby?

- I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs.

- You gone' get it too.

- I love you.

- I love you!

- I said, "Bitch,

"if you wanted to go to Taylor's,

"just tell a brother you wanna go to Taylor's!"

Okay? - You know what I'm saying!

You said that? - Oh, hell yeah man!

- Yeah! - I laid it out!

Right, I says, I says, I says,

I said, "Bitch, I'm the man of the house!"

- You said bitch though?

- Mm-hmm.

- You called your wife a bitch?

- Aw yeah.

- Craig? - Darryl?

Where are those guys?

- [Woman] I don't know.

Girl, let me show you this.

- [Darryl] So, she's like,

"Why don't you rent a movie we both like?"

- [Craig] No she didn't! - [Darryl] After I spent

25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster's!

Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems

and I says, I said,

I says, "Bitch!"

- You said that?

- Ain't nothin' but a thing!

- But, you said bitch though?

- Yep.

- (laughs) See, you got it.

(phone rings)

(phone rings) - Oh man!

Hey honey, Craig just gave me the neighborhood tour.

- So then, she's like, "I didn't know

"we'd be doing so much walking."

- Nuh-uh! - I'm like,

"I didn't tell you to wear those shoes."

She said, "Don't raise your voice at me."

- What?

- Darryl!

I looked this woman

dead in the windows of her soul!

I said,

I said-

(door opens)

(Craig knocks)

I said, "Bitch!"

(romantic music)

- Ooh honey, I am tired!

I am going to bed, goodnight.

- Uh, well. (laughs)

- Is everything okay?

- Well, it's just that I was hoping that,

well, that we could,

and, I wanna make this clear,

I wanna be straight forward.

I want to have a-

- Okay, Luther,

are you available to translate?

- Yes ma'am.

- I really was hoping we could spend some time together.

- When is the last time we had sex woman?

When, election night?

What does a brother not named Bill Clinton

have to do to get some (beep) in this house?

- Well, you have been very busy lately.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know what,

if I could just, can we get your translator?

- Oh yes, certainly.

Katendra?

- Yeah, honey?

- Could you please translate,

"Well, you've been very busy lately."?

- Sure.

- My (beep) ain't one of your limousines

that you can jump in and out of whenever you feel like!

I don't see you all day,

then you want a booty call?

I need an emotional connection (beep)!

- Thought this was romantic.

- I'm (beep) trying bitch!

Can't you see?

I'm playing the romantic music!

I got the pino in the glasses!

What more do you want from me,

an engraved invitation from my nuts?

- Maybe, we should make a date.

- What am I supposed to do,

jump outta my clothes every time

little Berry stands at attention?

You ain't my commander in chief mother (beep)!

And my vagina ain't some cave in the middle East

you can fly your heat seeking missile into

whenever you feel like it.

- Well, I did mean to call you,

but I had meetings all day long.

- I'm dealing with these mother (beep) republicans,

hearing, "No, no, no!" all day long!

Then I come home and you not gonna let me

get my jam on up in here?

- Well, I have had a busy day too.

- You act like I ain't got nothin' else to do (beep)!

I got these obese mother (beep) on my ass 24/7!

What's more important?