Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SOURCING THE FINEST, MOST

TOPICAL SLABS OF NEWS MARBLE, CAREFULLY CHISELING OUT A WIDE,

DEEP BASIN, AND SCULPTING THE MOST EXPRESSIVE NEOCLASSICAL

JOKE FIGURES, THEN ENGINEERING AN AQUEDUCT CONNECTING IT TO

"CURRENT EVENTS MOUNTAIN," THEREBY DIVERTING ITS

CRYSTALLINE STORY WATERS INTO THE BREATHTAKING ITALIAN PIAZZA

FOUNTAIN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HIDE MY MEDS UNDER MY

TONGUE SO THE ASYLUM NIGHT NURSE CAN'T SEE ME NOT SWALLOW THEM,

THEN SLIP INTO THE NIGHT, BREAK INTO A MECHANIC'S SHOP TO

FASHION A SNORKEL OUT OF A RUSTY EXHAUST PIPE AND SOME ARM

FLOATIES OUT OF OLD INNER TUBES, THEN STEAL A RECYCLING BIN FROM

BEHIND A MIDDLE SCHOOL AND FILL IT WITH MOONSHINE AND REGRET

BEFORE I SUBMERGE US ALL IN THE PAROLE-VIOLATING MAKESHIFT

KIDDIE POOL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, BIG NEWS FOR ALL YOU ROLE

PLAYERS OUT THERE: THESE L.E.D.

DICE COULD ELECTRIFY YOUR NEXT DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS CAMPAIGN."

HERE'S A LOOK AT THEM IN ACTION.

WOAH!

PLUS FIVE SPARKLE!

OF COURSE, THE LIGHTS ARE A LITTLE LESS BRIGHT WHEN YOU'VE

BEEN FORCED TO SWALLOW THEM AND THEN STUFFED IN A LOCKER.

( LAUGHTER ) THE DICE DRAW POWER WIRELESSLY

FROM A CASE, AND "CAN GO FOR AROUND FIVE HOURS ON A SINGLE

CHARGE, OR MORE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO LIVE WITHOUT THE

LIGHTING."

SURE, IF YOU WANT TO CALL THAT "LIVING."

AND LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: WHEN THEY'RE CHARGED, THESE DICE

LIGHT UP, BUT IF YOU'RE WILLING TO NOT HAVE THEM LIGHT UP,

THEY'RE WILLING TO STILL BE DICE.

IN A RELATED STORY, IF I DON'T CHARGE MY PHONE, IT'S STILL

WILLING TO BE SOMETHING THAT I CAN SHATTER.

OF COURSE, YOU DON'T GET PERFORMANCE LIKE THAT WITHOUT

PAYING FOR IT.

ONE DIE, INCLUDING CHARGER, STARTS AT $39, OR YOU CAN GET A

SET OF SEVEN DICE AND A CHARGING CASE FOR $199.

BUT THE LOOK ON YOUR SPOUSE'S FACE WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOU

DROPPED A WEEK'S GROCERY BUDGET ON LIGHT DICE THAT MAY OR MAY

NOT LIGHT UP?

PRICELESS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THERE'S A NEW HOTEL IN CHINA RECEIVING

BACKLASH BECAUSE IT'S BUILT AROUND A CENTRAL POLAR BEAR

ENCLOSURE FOR THE NON-STOP VIEWING PLEASURE OF ITS GUESTS.

IT'S THE PERFECT LODGING FOR ANYONE WHO'S THOUGHT, "I LIKE

THE ZOO, BUT I WISH I COULD SEE THE ANIMALS SAD AT NIGHT."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE RECENTLY CONFIRMED THAT THE

EARTH HAS A HIDDEN LAYER, AND NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

PLEASE BE NOUGAT, PLEASE BE NOUGAT, PLEASE BE NOUGAT.

( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, SOUNDWAVE EXPERIMENTS

CAN'T TELL US MUCH ABOUT ITS MAKE-UP.

THE STUDY REVEALS THERE IS MORE COMPLEXITY TO THE INNER CORE

THAN PREVIOUSLY APPRECIATED, AND EARTH MIGHT HAVE MORE LAYERS

THAN SCIENTISTS THOUGHT.

YOU HEAR THAT?

THE EARTH IS MORE COMPLEX IN ITS CORE THAN WE APPRECIATED.

WE SEE IT AS JUST THIS BIG SPINNING ROCK, BUT MAYBE IT'S

NOT SPINNING.

MAYBE IT'S DANCING.

SO DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THE EARTH GETS FED UP AND GOES

BACKPACKING THROUGH ANDROMEDA, THEN COMES BACK AND WANTS TO GO

TO CLOWN SCHOOL, DAD!

QAWRN WHILE, IN DEEP SOUTH YOGA HAPPENINGS, OF

OVERTURN ITS 28-YEAR BAN ON YOGA IN SCHOOLS.

GREAT NEWS FOR FITNESS-CONSCIOUS ALABAMANS.

BAD NEWS FOR ILLEGAL YOGA DEALERS.

( AS DRUG DEALER ) "PSST, HEY KID.

YOU WANNA ACTIVATE YOUR CHAKRAS?

WHAT ARE YA INTO?

SHAVA-SANA?

CHATUR-ANGA?

I GOT 'EM ALL.

FIFTY BUCKS, I'LL GIVE YOU A WARRIOR TWO THAT'LL UNLOCK YOUR

PRANA LIKE CRAZY."

APPARENTLY, IN 1993, THE ALABAMA BOARD OF EDUCATION BANNED YOGA

BECAUSE OF "OPPOSITION BY CONSERVATIVE GROUPS OVER ITS

HINDU ROOTS."

GOT TO BE TOUGH TO TEACH AT A SCHOOL THAT BANS ANYTHING HINDU,

SINCE THE HINDUS INVENTED NUMBERS.

( AS TEACHER ) "OKAY, SO IF A TRAIN LEAVES

A STATION GOING...

A LOT OF MILES PER HOUR, AND ANOTHER TRAIN LEAVES A STATION

GOING...

A LITTLE MILES PER HOUR...

HOW CLOSE WILL THE SUN BE TO THE MOUNTAIN WHEN THEY MEET?"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN WALRUS TOURISM NEWS, A WALRUS WAS

SPOTTED FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN IRELAND.

IT IS BELIEVED THE ARCTIC CREATURE COULD HAVE FALLEN

ASLEEP ON AN ICEBERG BEFORE BEING CARRIED ACROSS THE

ATLANTIC OCEAN.

WAIT, ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS WALRUS IN IRELAND

PASSED OUT AND WOKE UP SOMEWHERE IT DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE?

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LUPITA NYONG'O.

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