WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

TONIGHT IS A SPECIAL LATE "LATE SHOW," NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH

"THE LATE LATE SHOW," WHICH TONIGHT WILL BE A SPECIAL LATE

"LATE LATE SHOW."

TONIGHT'S LATENESS IS ALL BECAUSE CBS IS BROADCASTING

MARCH MADNESS, A PHRASE THAT ALSO DESCRIBES THE LAST 12

MONTHS.

BUT THIS TIME THERE'S ALSO BASKETBALL.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERY TEAM THAT'S PLAYING THIS YEAR.

I HOPE ALL OF YOU WIN.

SPEAKING OF WINNERS, I COULD NOT BE PROUDER OF MY WRITERS, WHO

LAST NIGHT WON A WRITERS GUILD AWARD FOR OUR ELECTION SPECIAL,

"STEPHEN COLBERT'S ELECTION NIGHT 2020: DEMOCRACY'S LAST

STAND: BUILDING BACK AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BETTER 2020!"

CONGRATULATIONS, WRITERS.

YOU ARE ALL FUNNY, TALENTED, PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, IT

SAYS HERE IN THE SCRIPT THAT THEY WROTE.

OF COURSE, THE BIG NEWS IS: SPRING HAS ARRIVED!

AND THE VACCINES ARE IN BLOOM.

BIDEN PROMISED 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS.

WELL, LAST WEEK, HE FULFILLE THAT GOAL IN 58 DAYS.

OUR NEW PRESIDENT IS ON A ROLL!

NOTHING CAN STOP HIM NOW.

EXCEPT STAIRS.

EXCEPT STAIRS.

HE'S FINE!

CAN WE BLAME IT ON HIS DOG, MAJOR?

NO?

DO IT ANYWAY.

NO TOILET PAPER ON HIS SHOE, THOUGH.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S PROGRESS.

WITH THE VACCINE SURGING, COVID RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING ALL

OVER THE COUNTRY.

STARTING TODAY, NEW YORK CITY IS REOPENING INDOOR FITNESS CLASSES

AT 33% CAPACITY.

OR AS IT'S KNOWN BY ANYONE WHO'S TAKEN A GROUP FITNESS CLASS:

WHAT SHOULD BE FULL CAPACITY!

"NOW EXHALE AND SHIFT INTO DOWNWARD FACE IN A STRANGER'S

CROTCH."

OKAY?

AND INHALE.

ANOTHER SIGN THINGS ARE RETURNING TO NORMAL: SEX PARTIES

ARE BACK!

OKAY, THE WORD THAT MOST SURPRISED ME IN THAT SENTENCE

WAS "BACK."

CALL ME OLD SHELTERED GRANDPA, BUT I DIDN'T

KNOW THEY WERE ACTUALLY A THING THAT HAPPENED FREQUENTLY ENOUGH

BEFORE COVID FOR THERE TO BE A PENT-UP DEMAND.

IT'S LIKE READING A HEADLINE: ROOT BEER JACUZZIS RETURN!

ROOT BEER JACUZZI, BY THE WAY, GREAT PLACE FOR A SEX PARTY.

FOAM HIDES A LOT OF THINGS.

ANYWAY, FOR THOSE WHO INDULGE IN THE SEX PIT, I'M HAPPY FOR YOUR

RETURN TO NORMAL?

NATURE IS HEALING.

FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING, ANIMALS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR WINTER

SLUMBER, AND YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PUTTING THE FURNITURE IN THE

GARAGE AND SPREADING OUT A TARP.

ONE PLACE WHERE THE SWINGERS ARE IN FULL SWING IS A SEX PARTY

CALLED THE "CANCUN BOOBS CRUISE."

GREAT OPTION FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T AFFORD THE CANCUN CROTCH YACHT,

BUT STILL WANT AN UPGRADE FROM THE CANCUN CHLAMYDIA KAYAK.

OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME PRECAUTIONS ONBOARD.

BOOBS CRUISERS ARE ADVISED TO WEAR FACE MASKS, AND THERE'S

HAND SANITIZER AND TEMPERATURE CHECKS AT THE DOOR.

"ALRIGHTY, 98.6 DEGREES.

YOU'RE PERFECTLY SAFE TO GO BONE THE GUY YOU MET WHEN YOUR HANDS

TOUCHED IN THE SHRIMP BOWL."

ONE NOTABLE DIFFERENCE FROM PREVIOUS YEAR'S BOOBS CRUISES IS

THAT SEX BOATERS OBSERVE A DAILY CLAP FOR ESSENTIAL WORKERS WHO

ARE VACATIONING ON BOARD.

YES, THEY ARE CLAPPING, AND SOME OF THEM EVEN USE THEIR HANDS!

LISTEN, I AM BEYOND THRILLED THAT AMERICA CAN HOP BACK ON ITS

SEX BOATS.

THE ONLY PROBLEM?

THIS EVENT HAS NO VACCINE REQUIREMENT.

NO!

BAD BONE BOAT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE MADE HAVING SEX

WITH DOZENS OF STRANGERS ON A BOAT SEEM KINDA SKETCHY.

SADLY, FOR ALL OF YOU WHO WANT TO GET BACK TO NORMAL

ACTIVITIES, LIKE SCHTUPPING A NICE COUPLE FROM WISCONSIN BY

THE MIDNIGHT CHOCOLATE BAR, ALL THESE REOPENINGS HAVE A COST.

BECAUSE AS RESTRICTIONS DROP, NEW CORONAVIRUS INFECTIONS IN

THE U.S. ARE BEGINNING TO RISE.

NOT AGAIN!

NO, WE CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER LOCKDOWN EASTER OR PASSOVER!

"WHY IS THIS NIGHT DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER NIGHTS?

IT'S NOT DIFFERENT!

I'M JUST WATCHING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE EAT CRACKERS ON ZOOM!"

THINGS ARE LOOKING ESPECIALLY DICEY DOWN IN MIAMI BEACH, WHERE

SPRING BREAK IS OUT OF CONTROL.

THE STREETS ARE PACKED WITH PARTIERS DRINKING, DANCING, AND

A PATRIOTIC JOKER TOSSING OUT CASH?

I THINK?

LIKE ANY GOOD PARTY, SOMEONE'S CAR GOT TURNED INTO A DANCE

FLOOR: ♪♪♪

( CHEERS ) ♪♪♪

WOOO!

I'M WITH YOU, MY FELLOW YOUNGLINGS!

THE VIRUS CAN'T CATCH US IF WE DON'T STOP DANCING!

I'M NEVER GONNA DIE!

( BLEEP ) DID IT GO?

THINGS GOT SO OUT OF HAND THAT, ON SATURDAY, THE CITY WAS FORCED

TO DECLARE A STATE OF EMERGENCY, AND AN 8:00 P.M. CURFEW.

AND SURPRISE, IT DIDN'T WORK.

HOT TIP FOR THE MIAMI AUTHORITIES: IF YOU WANT YOUNG

PEOPLE TO STOP PARTYING, DON'T INSTATE A CURFEW, JUST INVITE A

FEW DADS.

THAT PARTY WILL BE OVER QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "SHERWIN

WILLIAMS REWARDS POINTS."

THEY KEEP TRACK OF THE PAINT YOU'VE USED OVER THE LAST TEN

YEARS.

SO YOU CAN GO BACK IN.

IF YOU WANT TO DO TOUCHUPS, YOU SAY, HEY, I WANT SEA SPRAY, AND

THEY GOTCHA.

THE PARTY POOPER IN CHIEF IS MAYOR OF MIAMI BEACH AND DAD WHO

HAD A GREAT TIME ON THE SEX BOAT, DAN GELBER.

GELBER HAD THIS TO SAY: >> TOO MANY ARE COMING WITHOUT

THE INTENTION OF FOLLOWING THE RULES.

THE RESULTS HAS BEEN A LEVEL OF CHAOS AND DISORDER THAT IS JUST

SOMETHING MORE THAN WE CAN ENDURE.

>> STEPHEN: YES, HE WANTS A SPRING BREAK THAT'S NOT CHAOTIC

OR DISORDERLY.

LIKE IN THOSE FAMOUS VIDEOS: "GIRLS GONE MILD."

GELBER HAD THIS MESSAGE FOR ANYONE STILL PLANNING TO SPRING

BREAK IT UP ON MIAMI BEACH: >> RIGHT NOW, IF YOU'RE COMING

HERE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN PENT UP AND YOU WANT TO LET LOOSE, AND

YOU THINK ANYTHING GOES, PLEASE DON'T COME HERE.

>> STEPHEN: TO DRIVE THE MESSAGE HOME, THE CITY HAS PARTNERED

WITH WILL SMITH TO RELEASE THIS ANTI-TOURISM VIDEO:

♪ PLEASE DON'T COME WE GOT A COVID BOOM ♪

♪ JUST SHOW YOUR BIKINI TO YOUR FRIENDS ON ZOOM ♪

♪ NO VENGAS A MIAMI OR YOU MIGHT JUST KILL YOUR GRAMMY ♪

>> Stephen: SORRY.

THE DAMN HOOK IS TOO HOT!

SPEAKING OF UNWANTED VISITORS, THERE'S NEW EVIDENCE OF ALIEN

LIFE, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF

"SPACE NEWS: SPACESHIP EDITION!" THE LATEST ON EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

ACTIVITY IS BROUGHT TO US COURTESY OF FORMER DIRECTOR OF

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND LITTLE-KNOWN THIRD DARREN, JOHN

RATCLIFFE.

RATCLIFFE MADE A GUEST APPEARANCE ON BARIA MARTIROMO'S

SHOW TO BLOW THE LID OFF AN UPCOMING REPORT THAT HE CLAIMS

WILL REVEAL WHAT THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS ABOUT U.F.O.S.

>> CAN YOU TELL US HAVE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS

BEEN SEEN?

>> WELL, SURE, WE HAVE LOTS OF REPORTS ABOUT WHAT WE CALL

UNIDENTIFIED AERIAL PHENOMENON.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT OBJECTS SEEN BY NAVY OR AIR FORCE PILOTS

OR PICKED UP BY SATELLITE IMAGERY THAT, FRANKLY, ENGAGE IN

ACTIONS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN, THAT MOVEMENTS THAT

ARE HARD TO REPLICATE THAT WE DON'T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR.

>> Stephen: HOLY COW, TECHNOLOGY WE DON'T UNDERSTAND,

BEHAVIOR WE CAN'T EXPLAIN, AND MOVEMENTS THAT ARE HARD TO

REPLICATE.

SO, TIK TOK.

THE POINT IS, YOU HEARD THE MAN: U.F.O.S ARE REAL!

AND I WANT DETAILS!

DO THEY COME IN PEACE?

DO THEY PHONE HOME?

ARE THEY BABY YODAS, OR ARE THEY NAVII WITH THE SEX PONYTAIL?

OR IS IT LIKE "STAR TREK," AND THEY'RE BASICALLY ALL JUST

HUMANS WITH DIFFERENT BUMPY FOREHEADS?

RATCLIFFE DIDN'T HAVE MANY DETAILS, BUT HE WAS ABLE TO

NARROW DOWN THE LOCATION: >> CAN YOU TELL US WHERE IT WAS

SEEN?

>> ACTUALLY, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

THERE HAVE BEEN SIGHTINGS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

>> STEPHEN THAT'S NOT FAIR!

ALIENS GET TO TRAVEL AND PROBE?

WE DON'T GET TO DO ANY OF THAT STUFF!

UNLESS YOU'RE ON THE BOOBS CRUISE!

♪♪♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

I'LL BE TALKING TO ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN THE NEW JUSTICE

LEAGUE MOVIE!

STICK AROUND.