welcome, welcome, welcome

"The Tonight Show," everybody.

You're here. I love you!

[ Cheering and applause ]

Ah, feels great.

Thank you so much. Let's get to the news.

Well, guys, people are still talking

about President Biden's first press conference

and, by all accounts, he did well

and there were no major issues.

And, by "no major issues,"

I mean, his dog Major didn't eat anyone's face.

[ Laughter ]

One of the big moments from the press conference was

when Biden said he expects to run for reelection in 2024.

Kamala Harris was like,

"First he puts me in charge of the border crisis.

Now, this?

Hell of a week." [ Laughter ]

Listen, I'm not picking sides, or anything,

but if it's eight years of falling up airplane stairs

and dog attacks, sign me up!

[ Laughter and cheering ] Let's do it!

[ Applause ]

Meanwhile, Fox News is upset

because Biden didn't call on them for a question.

-Oh. -They're so hurt,

this morning, they did a show called...

[ Laughter and applause ]

That's right, Fox is mad that they were left out.

It's kind of like your bully being offended

that he's not invited to your birthday party.

[ Laughter ] It's like,

"But I just give you a wedgie this morning."

[ Laughter ]

But Fox News had a lot of very fair questions ready to go.

Questions like, "Sir,

how long have you been a lizard person?"

Stuff like that. -Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Well -- -[ Laughs ]

-Illuminati joke, yeah. -Wow. Wow.

-Yeah.

Well, here's some big tech news.

Yesterday, Georgia Republicans built a time machine

back to 1875.

Check out their new law.

-The bill signed last night

by Republican Governor Brian Kemp

is seen by critics

as a collection of voter suppression tactics.

The new law goes so far as to bar volunteers

from passing out water and snacks

to voters standing in lines, lines which are much more likely

to be longer in Black neighborhoods.

[ Booing ]

-Yeah, the state of Georgia just passed a new law

that restricts voting, so let's just say the law is so racist,

it already has its own warning label on Disney+.

[ Laughter ]

When you heard about the law, Vladimir Putin was like --

[ As Putin ] I'm so proud. They learn

to rig their own elections.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Teach a man to rig, he will rig for a lifetime.

[ Laughter ]

A lot of people are pointing out how Georgia's governor

signed the bill into law while he was surrounded

by other white guys.

Take a look at this.

[ Laughter ]

They're basically set up like bowling pins

for Stacey Abrams to knock down.

[ Cheering and applause ]

[ Drumroll ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

That looks like if the Proud Boys

had a 50-year reunion, doesn't it?

[ Laughter ]

Well, guys, the giant cargo ship

is still stuck in the Suez Canal -Oh.

-Wow. -and, every hour, it's delaying

about $400 million worth of goods.

You know, the captain's friends are still like,

"No, honestly, it's not even that bad.

People aren't really talking about it.

[ Laughter ]

Just stay off the Internet.

Just stay off Twitter.

In fact, stay off of everything but this phone call, yeah.

No one's really talking about it."

Meanwhile, every 15 minutes, the captain's wife is like,

"I told you to get off at exit 34."

[ Laughter and applause ]

You can't fit. You can't fit in the thing.

[ Laughter and applause ]

First, they tried freeing the ship with a bulldozer.

Can we take a look at that picture again?

[ Laughter ]

Now, they're saying up to 706,000 cubic feet of sand

will have to be removed to free the ship.

But don't worry, this kid's on it,

so it's going to be perfect.

[ Laughter and applause ] We got it.

Hey, listen to this. A Spirit Airlines flight

from Cleveland to Los Angeles was diverted

after a passenger tried

to open the emergency exit door mid-flight.

Don't worry, everyone is fine.

Thankfully, Spirit always makes sure

their doors are Flex Sealed shut.

[ Laughter ]

Listen, things like this are going to happen

when the in-flight movie is "Mank."

-Yeah. -Ohh.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-"I'll take 'Scoob!,' whatever you got."

[ Laughter ]

Get this -- there was a mystery light show

in the Pacific Northwest last night

and it turned out to be caused by something

pretty unexpected. Check it out.

-At around 9:00, folks from Seattle to Portland

reported brilliant blazing streaks overhead.

It turns out they were objects

of debris from a SpaceX rocket launched a few weeks ago.

-Phew!

It's just careening, fiery space debris.

[ Laughter ]

For a second, I was nervous. -Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

And, finally, some news from Canada.

A police officer pulled someone over after noticing something

that didn't look quite right. Watch this.

-Police in Ontario said an officer

pulled over a motorcyclist whose license plate was homemade

and also misspelled.

[ Laughter ]

When they took him to jail, the police were like,

"It's a good thing you like making license plates."

-Aw. [ Laughter ]

-At first, he tried to bribe the police

by handing them a Post-it note that said "$20" on it.

[ Laughter ]

Then it got even worse when he handed the officer

his driver's license. Look. There you go.