Happy Valentines! Before we start, here's a quick history lesson. Look, here's a guy.

He's a Roman soldier

and it's 250 A.D.

He's sad because he can't get married to this girl.

The Emperor thought soldiers wouldn't fight as well if they had

families and wives to worry about. But he really likes her. I mean, look at this macaroni art he made for her!

Amazing!

But one day, a Saint named Valentine came along and was like "This is one of the best macaroni arts I've ever seen!", and

he broke the taboo and he married them.

(even though it was illegal)

And he ended up doing this lots.

Soldiers were happy now and Valentine was a cool dude.

But then on February 14th

he was executed.

Sad, yes, but we were all touched by his patronage to love,

so now we give each other chocolates and flowers and cards on the day we named after him.

Yay Valentine!

Oh, and those shitty heart-shaped chalk candies.

They're just so chalky..

*chalk scraping noise*

See look at that, that's chalk.

Love life struggling? Well, good thing there's YouTube!

We can all be forever alone together!

Just kidding! Your old pal GingerPale's super wise and totally not lonely!...

*crying*

So I'm gonna help you out this year. Here's a little guide.

Dates.

First things first.

You need some sort of activity to ask your future Valentine to go do.

Most people are gonna say "Hey!

Let's go for food!"

But that stuff's for normies

You don't want to be stuffing your grubby little mouth in front of your special someone.

But on a more honest note,

We were just too late to get a reservation.

Even a table for two in the Denny's bathroom stall requires a call at least four months in advance.

I didn't even know I was going on a date like two seconds ago, so home cooking's always a good choice!

We're still getting food,

We're saving money, and it comes off as being more sentimental and cute.

You could also go for a walk.

PROS-

Get some fresh air, get some exercise, hold hands.

CONS-

You could get mauled by a bear

*mauled by bear noises*

Maybe just don't go outside...

Sometimes a movie sounds like a good time!

Wrong again, you don't actually get to talk to your date, and no talking yourself. You look crazy

Also, if you're interrupting the movie people will throw things at you movies are also stupid overpriced

Do you want to pay ten dollars for a bag of popcorn, which is gonna

make you need a six dollar drink,

and then hey, you love deals! So you're gonna throw in that $4 bag of candy just to make it a combo.

All on top of your $15 ticket because your stupid movie was only available in 3D.

*sigh*

Stop this!

Do not fall for their tricks.

I know you're looking to see those new movies,

but you can buy all the snacks, drinks, and a subscription to Netflix for less than $10

Gifts.

Chocolate, a delicious treat that most people are pretty into.

These are a great gift when you want your special someone to get, uh, bigger..

Y-You know, plump them up a bit.

More for the leavon!

Don't get anything with peanuts though,

because they're terrible.

Okay, flowers.

If you're feeling extra fancy, sure, go ahead.

Everyone likes flowers, but they're really expensive especially around Valentine's.

Supply and demand

Plus, flowers die, and you don't really want to give someone a gift that dies.

That's a bad symbol for how you feel for them.

Get them a lobster or backwards aging jellyfish instead.

They're pretty much immortal, so I've heard from the internet.

Okay cool.

We bought some stuff! But you can't buy the entire gift.

You need to make a part of it, so you're gonna make them a card,

and I'm gonna help you write a song.

Love songs are generally cheesy, and you know we have limited time and resources here,

so we're gonna stick to the basics and talk about our heart and stuff.

? Arm bone's connected to your hand,?

? Hand is connected to my heart,?

? Ease up on your grip,?

? GOD?

? It's startin' to hurt,?

? And you're actually tearing me apart.?

Okay that was stupid and, I feel stupid

Why don't we even use the heart as a symbol for love?

Everyone knows love is controlled by your prefrontal cortex.

? The heart is a weird choice for love.?

? Emotions reside in your frontal lobe.?

? Next time you try to make a card,?

? You should draw a brain, then you look really smart!?

All right, nice! This is kind of terrible..

Let's give them some compliments..

? Your smile's nice, glad you practice dental hygiene.?

? You smell pretty good in a decent proximity.?

? You're one of the best things that I've ever seen you see how you maintain a sliver of dignity.?

You know, I think you guys are ready for Valentine's

Hi everyone!

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Happy Valentines, and don't forget to Like and Subscribe for more!

*music*