Nobody's coming down these stairs, soldier.

Nobody's going up 'em either, dog face.

Hot stuff coming through.

I have to use the downstairs bathroom.

Stand with me, son,

and someday when this Neptune forsaken war is over,

you'll use that bathroom... right after me.

Stand with me, Father,

and help retrieveth my golf club.

Sorry, son, but I really have to go.

Oh, Dad...

[grunting]

We are in the middle of a show. What are you doing?

I need to get my golf club,

and GrandPat won't let me go upstairs.

[groaning]

GrandPat...

Patrick needs that club,

which means the show needs that club,

which means we're getting the club!

[growling]

- Ah! - Ah-ha!

[screaming]

Get him!

- Get him! - Come on, soldier!

Yeah! You're done now!

[shouting]

Patrick!

Squidina!

Anyone?

I have important news!

[screams]

[grunting]

Morning, Glavias.

Morning, Bunny.

[grunting]

[panting]

[grunting]

Mop up the floor with him!

Yeah, you got this!

- Hit him! - Patrick...

Patrick...

Oh...

Oh! What is it, Mom?

Tell us. What is it?

[whimpering]

I made jelly sandwiches!

[in unison] Yay!

This is Perch Perkins, coming to you live

from a local suburban home

where, after a brief ceasefire for jelly sandwiches,

a stair war continues to escalate.

Will those who wanna go up the stairs stand down?

[in unison] No!

Will those who want to go down the stairs stand up?

No!

[both] Then we shall clash!

[grunting]

[screaming]

Huh?

[growling]

[grunting]

Wow, this is the most exciting stair war

of all the stairs wars I've ever been to!

Look out! Incoming bread!

Sourdough! Pumpernickel!

[screaming]

[growling]

Huh? [growling]

Bread won't stop him.

Time for plan B.

[grunting]

[toilet growling] Oh!

[screaming]

This is why I hate the upstairs bathroom!

[shouting]

Ha-ha! Woo!

[growling]

So, we meet again, eh?

Who are you?

I'm the one who's going to make you wish I wasn't your grandpa.

Wait, I know you!

GrandPat!

[laughing]

Don't change the subject.

I still want satisfaction.

Very well. We joust.

[grunts]

[roars]

[screaming]

Yawoo!

[screaming]

[bellowing]

[ringing]

[baby crying]

[boxing bell ringing]

[screaming]

Hey, wait a minute...

I got something caught in my teeth.

Hey, my golf club!

Hey, Squidina!

I got my club!

[laughing]

[creaking and rumbling]

[screaming]

[grunting]