my old friend.

Now, codependency is different than dependency.

We are dependent on people in our relationships

to some degree, but, interdependent relationships tend

to work best for everyone involved,

where you can depend on each other

and support one another

without necessarily drawing your worth

and value from self-sacrifice.

Codependency characterizes, in balanced relationships,

where one person enables

another person's destructive tendencies.

When you consistently elevate the needs of others

above your own, surprise, you're probably codependent.

(audience clapping)

Experts originally coined the term codependency

in the 1940s, to help describe specific behavior patterns

they noticed in partners

and family members of people living

with alcohol use disorder.

By its original definition, "codependent" described people

who enabled alcohol use by making excuses, hiding the usage

and protecting the person

from any fallout or consequences of their actions.

Now in more modern times,

codependency is more nuanced

and complex

and applies to many situations beyond substance abuse.

Contemporary codependency is more often associated

with enmeshed relationships,

where one person loses their sense of independence

and thinks that they need someone else.

So, according to research from 2018,

patterns of codependent behavior

generally involve four main themes:

self-sacrifice, the tendency to focus on others,

a need for control,

and difficulty recognizing

and expressing emotions.

Now, there are many signs you are codependent,

but I think most often it's associated with guilt.

Guilt for saying no...

- Oh my God, it's my ex.

- Answer it!

- Hello?

- Hey Michelle.

I know it's been years since we've talked,

but I had to call because, I need you.

- Oh my God really?

- Yeah.

My car won't start, (record scratching)

and I remember you always carry jumper cables with you,

so, I'm about to head to a date right now,

but if you could head to my place

and charge it and have it ready by 7:00, that'd be dope.

- Okay.

- Guilt when you don't rescue others...

(dramatic tense music) - Oh my God,

the timer starts at 30 seconds.

- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.

We're gonna die.

- You know what?

You guys seem really stressed out about this,

why don't you just hand them over to me?

- What?

- Yeah, like I can take your bombs

and I'll just wait for the diffusion team to get here.

- We have 20 seconds. They'll never make it.

- Hand 'em over.

Yep, just fasten them to my body.

Great. Great.

Why don't you guys head out-

Guilt for putting yourself first...

I can't believe I'm next. Meeting the Big Woman.

Hey I'm sorry, excuse me?

I was next in line.

- What the hell did you just say to me?

- I was in line next for the Pearly Gates?

I got in line really early, like at 1000 BC.

(fire crackling) (drum echoing)

It's fine. It's totally cool.

- Pff. Rude.

- Guilt disabling any boundary setting...

(silly xylophone music) - Hey Anna.

Yeah, I already jumped started your car,

so it should be all set to go.

Oh, you want me to take it to the car wash too?

Actually, I've got a chemotherapy appointment, so I-

oh, double espresso with oat milk

and a shot of foam, okay.

You got it. I'll be there.

- And finally, confusing pity

and guilt with love.

(sad accordion music) - She's just so helpless.

She has no one else, except for me.

Lucky, special, chosen me.

Her one true love.

Isn't that right Doris?

(soft orchestral music) - Treating codependency

means extracting yourself

from the all-too-comfortable role of caretaker

and doormat.

Healthy interdependent relationships

include setting boundaries, honoring your own needs

and deriving your self worth

not by how you need to feel needed,

but by supporting others

and being supported in balanced relationships,

'cause relationships are not 50/50, they're a 100/100,

and despite what your co-dependent tendencies

are telling you,

being a whole person responsible for yourself,

is the best way to honor someone else.

(chill indie rock music) I'm Anna Akana.

Thank you to the Patreons

for supporting today's video,

and thank you to my co-dependent partner,

Daddy Squarespace, for sponsoring today's episode.

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