- The Cool Girl was coined by Gillian Flynn's "Gone Girl,"

which described this type of woman as,

"A hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker,

dirty jokes and burping,

who plays video games, drinks cheap beer,

loves threesomes and anal sex

and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth

like she's hosting the world's biggest culinary gang bang

while somehow maintaining a size two."

Because Cool Girls, above all, are hot.

Hot and understanding.

Cool Girls never get angry.

They only smile in a chagrined, loving manner

and let their men do whatever they want.

They're not even pretending to be the woman they want to be.

They're pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be.

Now, before we dive into this, I do want to be clear.

I used to be a Cool Girl, a pick me girl,

and an internalized misogynist.

So my aim in this video is to reach anyone,

regardless of your gender,

who has the underlying behavior of the Cool Girl

and let you know, it's not serving you.

Because ultimately being...

excuse you, sir.

Because ultimately, being a Cool Girl,

because ultimately being a Cool Girl

is setting aside your wants and needs and morphing

into who you think you need to be to earn love.

The Cool Girl shrinks who she is and tries to fit

into an imaginary mold.

And even if you're a dude, you can be a Cool Girl.

Non-binary babies, you're also not exempt.

So attack mode on.

Now, in terms of Flynn's definition,

there's nothing wrong with loving football,

dirty jokes or whiskey on the rocks,

as long as you actually love those things.

Not because you think that faking an interest in them

will gain you the approval of someone you want to impress.

The Cool Girl gained popularity because I'm sure like me,

a lot of us were given the message

that we should change ourselves for the partner

that we wanted.

I mean, look at the ending of "Grease".

- [Girls] Whoa!

- Sandy!

You changed your personality, interests, values, hobbies,

and fashion sense for me?

- Tell me about it, stud.

(Anna vocalizing)

- Okay, cut.

Now some might argue that Sandy's journey

into becoming a greaser girl is on par with her arc

of continuing to question and find her identity,

but I would argue not a lot of people watching got that.

The film really failed in communicating that message

because for a lot of us, the takeaway was,

Okay, so in order she gets somebody,

we just have to change everything about ourselves.

I'm gonna change my hair.

I'm gonna change my race.

I'm gonna change my personality.

What are you gonna change?

- What music I like.

- Okay, that's good, yeah.

- Maybe my name?

- Oh yeah, name is good.

So sign number one is exactly that:

changing your interests, values, style,

all to gain the attention and affection

of someone you want to impress.

Flynn says it might even be a slightly different version,

maybe he's a vegetarian,

so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs.

Or maybe he's a hipster artist,

so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd

who loves comics.

Look, I think it's great to be open to trying new things

and being interested in what your partner likes.

but the difference is when you're pretending to already be

these things for the sake of gaining points.

It's manipulation and a lie and not a great way to start off

any relationship.

Sign number two:

A Cool Girl never speaks up when something he does

upsets her.

Whether that's ditching plans at the last second

or agreeing to a situationship she doesn't want,

She doesn't want to come across as overly emotional

or hysterical.

So she constantly self betrays and refuses

to set boundaries,

hoping to reel in the person with the allure

of not being high maintenance.

And finally sign number three:

Cool Girls set an impossible standard for themselves.

They can eat as much as they want and never exercise,

but still don't gain weight.

They're supposed to look completely made up all the time

without having to engage in the time consuming part

of styling and doing your makeup.

Cool Girls have all the good qualities

her prospective partner wants with none of the downside.

None of the inconvenience, not a lick of sacrifice.

To be a Cool Girl is to be an ideal, essentially inhuman.

When we interpret ourselves through the lens of the person

we want to attract or pursue,

when we're willing to change everything about us

to gain favor with someone else,

we are misrepresenting who we are.

We're assigning ourselves to be mirrors,

reflecting back what we think people want us to be.

A Cool Girl doesn't have agency or power.

She's an empty vessel waiting to fill herself up

with someone else's desires, hopes, preferences, dreams.

And the Cool Girl is a trap.

One that many of us willingly walk into

because unfortunately it's way easier to become

who we think we need to be to feel desired,

than to really find ourselves, know ourselves,

sit with ourselves and feel whole by ourselves.

Love is a very tall order, but self-love, oof.

You know, sometimes it feels way easier to just gut yourself

and renovate your insides

according to someone else's blueprint

rather than slowly but surely building a home

and a foundation.

So if you are a Cool Girl, just know, you are enough.

And if anyone thinks you're too much,

then they can go find less.

I'm Anna Akana.

Thank you to the Patreons who supported today's video

and thank you to BetterHelp

for sponsoring today's episode.

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Wow, he's going ham.