we all know someone who is active or passively

taking steps to prevent themselves

from reaching their goals.

Maybe it's you.

Whether that's in areas of relationships and dating,

in business, when it comes to money, friendships,

health and body image,

the opportunities for self-sabotage in your life

are limitless.

It's so weird because self-sabotaging

is a behavior that's like almost invisible.

But if we were to visually show it...

- Anna no, don't shoot yourself in the foot!

- I have to do this,

my deepest desire is to be a track runner!

I want it more than anything in the world!

- Well if that's what you want,

then this doesn't make any sense!

- I know!

We recognize the symptoms of self-sabotaging too, right?

Like classic behaviors of it are so recognizable

they may as well be a franchise.

- Hello ladies, welcome to Restaurant McSaboteur.

Our specials today

are Drowning In a Stew of Self Pity (with cilantro)

Impulsive Spending That Leads to Financial Ruin

and finally, a very simple but elegant,

Not Standing Up For Yourself.

- Mm. - Ooh!

Okay, I will take Procrastination,

Self-Medicating With Drugs and Alcohol,

Performing Below My Capabilities On Purpose,

and Not Showing Up, please.

- Ah, lovely choices.

And for you, madam?

- Oh, I will take Comfort Eating, Interpersonal Conflict

- Would you like a small or a large?

- Ah, large.

I will also have the Impulsive Spending Special

with a side of Constant Self-Sacrifice For Others

to Avoid Working on Myself.

- Ooh, can we split that?

- Yeah.

- I will bring out two plates.

Thank you.

But what is the root cause of self-sabotage?

'Cause we can identify the behaviors all we want,

but until we address the reasons for it,

we're just gonna keep shooting ourselves

in the metaphorical foot.

So hopefully, there's a personal attack incoming soon.

Here are six reasons we self-sabotage:

One - Worth.

We just don't believe we deserve better.

Whether that's love or success,

if we don't believe we deserve it,

we're gonna find ways to push it away.

- You are the chosen one.

- What? No, I don't wanna be.

I just wanna be normal like everyone else.

- Okay, YOU are the chosen one.

- Yay, magical powers are awesome!

- Wait, no, I do want magical powers.

- Sorry, girl.

This isn't a YA novel where your emotional arc

goes from nonbeliever to believer in your own capabilities.

If you don't want or think you deserve magical powers,

why the hell would I give them to you?

- Two - We focus on instant gratification

at the expense of our long-term goals.

- So how's your screenplay going?

- Oh, my god.

I posted an Instagram photo every single day last month.

- Oh, is it about Instagram?

- No.

- Oh.

- But a picture is worth a thousand words.

Three - We have seen self-sabotage modeled in our family.

- We're a family of losers, aren't we?

Yes we are.

No one in this family is ever gonna amount to anything

and that's the way we like it, huh?

- Four - We're afraid of rejection or failure

that may come from trying.

- Do you, Anna, take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do...not know.

Can we just take like a timeout?

This is all going really fast.

- It's been seven years.

- I know, but in comparison to the average lifespan

of an American woman, that's nothing.

That's nothing!

That's a blink of an eye!

Divorce rates, guys, let's think about this.

Let's think about this.

Why aren't you married?

Five - We feel more in control when we're engaging

with familiar patterns, even if they're harmful.

- Hey Anna, you look good.

- Thanks, yeah, they said I missed a tendon,

so I'm quite lucky.

- That's great.

So after this heals

you can start training to be a track runner again.

Anna no!

(Anna screams)

- Don't do it!

- And finally, six - All of the above.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Okay, so at this point you probably know

you're a self-saboteur, so what do you do?

How do you stop?

How do you get out of your own way

and then achieve what you want?

Well, obviously beyond awareness,

make moves to become an assertive person.

Assertive people like themselves as they are.

They have a strong sense of self and autonomy,

have no problems with their needs being met,

know how to express their feelings,

know where they're going in life, what they want

and they're not afraid of conflict and, bonus,

they know how to set boundaries.

And also one more, they take initiative.

It's easy, right?

Just do that really long list like right now.

No, I mean in vivo learning,

like integrating these traits into your life

and actually practicing them

in moments where you feel like triggered,

it's gonna take time.

And unraveling these self-sabotaging causes

and then their symptoms also will take time.

But the more you can practice in your own life

doing any of the above assertive traits

and actively halting

your self-sabotaging behaviors when they come up,

the sooner you can align your actions

with what you actually want.

Good luck doing that.

I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons

who supported today's video and thank you to Warby Parker

for sponsoring today's episode.

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