WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I WANT TO SAY HI TO ALL MY FANS IN MEXICO CITY, RIGHT OFF THE

TOP.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

BROADCASTING LIVE TO MEXICO CITY.

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

FOLKS, I TRY TO NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT HAVING ONE OF

THESE SHOWS IS A PROFOUUND PRIVILEGE, NOT JUST TO TELL

JOKES-- HA HA-- BUT TO INFORM YOU, THE PUBLIC. THAT IS A

SACRED TRUST.

AND NO ONE IN LATE NIGHT GIVES YOU THE MIDTERM PRIMARIES IN

FIVE STATES IN MID-MAY LIKE THE TEAM AT "THE LATE SHOW."

THIS IS: >> "ELECTION NIGHT IN 10% OF

AMERICA '22."

>> Stephen: THE RESULTS ARE IN, AND AMERICA HAS UPHELD ITS

PROUD TRADITION OF NOT KNOWING WHO WON.

AT LEAST IN ONE RACE EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT-- THE REPUBLICAN

NOMINATION FOR SENATE IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHICH PITS FORMER

HEDGE FUND EXECUTIVE AND CUSTOMER ASKING THE MANAGER WHY

THE PEOPLE AT THAT TABLE GOT THEIR FOOD FIRST,

DAVID McCORMICK, AGAINST TV CHARLATAN AND WINNER OF THE EMMY

FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN SELF-TAXIDERMY, DR. MEHMET OZ.

( LAUGHTER ) AS OF THIS TAPING, THE RACE IS A

TOSS-UP, WITH DR. OZ GETTING 31.3% OF THE VOTE TO McCORMICK'S

31.1%.

WOW, THAT'S A NAILBITER.

THAT IS STRESSFUL.

AND THERE'S NO BETTER CURE FOR STRESS THAN DR. OZ'S RASPBERRY

KETONE AND GREEN COFFEE BEAN PROTEIN PANCAKE MIX.

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE STRESS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE THING.

IT IS.

IT'S A NAILBITER.

BUT BOTH SIDES REMAIN CONFIDENT.

LAST NIGHT, McCORMICK'S CHIEF STRATEGIST TWEETED, "BASED ON

HOW MANY UNCOUNTED ABSENTEE BALLOTS THERE ARE AND THE MARGIN

BY WHICH DAVE HAS WON THEM SO FR, THAT'S WHY WE ARE

CONFIDENT OF VICTORY."

WHILE AN ADVISER TO DR. OZ POINTED TO UNCOUNTED BALLOTS IN

PHILADELPHIA AND DECLARED, "IT'S A JUMP BALL."

WHICH, I WILL REMIND YOU, IS HOW THEY EVENTUALLY DECIDED

BUSH V. GORE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

OKAY.

W. WAS A MONSTER IN THE PAINT.

HE WAS RAY MONSTER IN THE PAINT.

HE TOOK THE ROCK TO THE REHNQUIST.

PENNSYLVANIA LAW REQUIRES A RECOUNT WHEN THE MARGIN IS HALF

A PERCENTAGE POINT OR LESS, BUT ONE DR. OZ SUPPORTER SEES A

WAY AROUND THAT.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUD

FLINTSTONE-- A.K.A. FLABBA DABBA GOO.

OLD FLABBA DABBA SAID SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET THAT

OZ SHOULD NOT TRUST OUTSTANDING MAIL-IN BALLOTS, TYPING, "DR. OZ

SHOULD DECLARE VICTORY.

IT MAKES IT MUCH HARDER FOR THEM TO CHEAT WITH THE BALLOTS THAT

THEY 'JUST HAPPENED TO FIND.' WELL, I WILL GIVE HIM THIS: HE'S

AN AUTHORITY ON CHEATING.

JUST ASK ALL OF HIS WIVES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE DO-- IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

JUST THROW IT OUT THERE.

THROW A LITTLE CORN OUT FOR THE CHICKENS.

WE DO KNOW WHO THE WINNER OF THIS RACE WILL FACE IN THE

GENERAL ELECTION: LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR JOHN FETTERMAN, SEEN

HERE IN HIS FORMAL HOODIE.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, UNLIKE THE REPUBLICANS, THE

DEMOCRATIC RACE WAS NOT CLOSE, WITH FETTERMAN CAPTURING

59% OF THE VOTE, AND POSSIBLY GOING ON TO WIN EVERY COUNTY IN

PENNSYLVANIA.

CLEARLY, HE IS A RISING STAR, WHICH MAY BE WHY ONE BIDEN

ADVISER TOLD CNN, "THERE ARE BIG SIMILARITIES BETWEEN JOHN

FETTERMAN AND JOE BIDEN."

AND THAT COULD EXPLAIN BIDEN'S LATEST MAKEOVER.

THAT'S NICE.

LOOKS GOOD.

HE SHOULD DO IT.

HE SHOULD GO FOR IT.

DON'T FIGHT IT, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

DON'T FIGHT IT, RIGHT?

JUST GO FOR IT.

PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICANS DID DECISIVELY CHOOSE A CANDIDATE

FOR GOVERNOR: STATE SENATOR AND MR. CLEAN GOING THROUGH A ROUGH

DIVORCE, DOUG MASTRIANO.

MASTRIANO IS A HARD-RIGHT CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST AND A

CENTRAL FIGURE IN EFFORTS TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF THE 2020

ELECTION IN PENNSYLVANIA.

THAT VICTORY SPEECH MUST HAVE BEEN A LITTLE AWKWARD:

"THANK YOU, PENNSYLVANIA.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT DOMINION VOTING MACHINES

AND THE GHOST OF HUGO CHAVEZ.

THESE ELECTIONS ARE RIGGED!

STOP THE STEAL!

LOCK ME UP!" LOOK ME UP!

( APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THE BIG LOSERS LAST NIGHT

WAS NORTH CAROLINA REPRESENTATIVE MADISON CAWTHORN,

SEEN HERE-- ( APPLAUSE )

SEEN HERE ENTERING A LIST OF HIS TOP AXE BODY SPRAY SCENTS INTO

THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD.

MANGO MUSK!

CAWTHORN HAD THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ENDORSEMENT, BUT HE STILL LOST

THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY TO NORTH CAROLINA STATE SENATOR AND

HOTEL CONCIERGE WATCHING YOU AND YOUR WIFE KISS, CHUCK EDWARDS.

IN ADDITION TO HIS ROLE IN THE STATE SENATE, EDWARDS OPERATES

McDONALD'S FRANCHISES IN WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA.

SO WHILE CAWTHORN HAD THE EX-PRESIDENT'S SUPPORT, EDWARDS

WAS ENDORSED BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TOP ADVISER.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW, IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING-- HERE'S THE THING--

( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE THING, HERE IS THE--

IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING FOR AN INCUMBENT, MAGA-APPROVED

CONGRESSMAN TO LOSE HIS PRIMARY.

BUT IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH CAWTHORN ANGERING HIS

G.O.P. COLLEAGUES BACK IN MARCH, WHEN HE SAID THIS:

>> THE SEXUAL PERVERSION THAT GOES ON IN WASHINGTON, ALL THE

SUDDEN, YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, "WELL, HEY, WE'RE GONNA

HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER AT ONE OF OUR

HOMES.

YOU SHOULD COME!" AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU JUST

ASK ME TO COME TO?" AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE

ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY.

SOME OF THE PEOPLE LEADING ON THE MOVEMENT TO TRY AND REMOVE

ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY, AND THEN YOU WATCH THEM DO A KEY

BUMP OF COCAINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

>> Stephen OKAY, THAT'S AN OBVIOUS LIE.

IF MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WERE ON COCAINE, THEY WOULD GET A LOT

MORE DONE.

( SNIFFS ) WOOO!

OOO!

"OK, THAT'S TEN BILLS ALREADY PASSED.

TEAL YOU WHAT, BRO, LET'S FILE CLOTURE AND KEEP GOING.

JUST READ THE BUDGET ALOUD WHILE I CLEAN THE SENATE CHAMBER WITH

A TOOTHBRUSH.

OR START A BAND.

ANYONE CRAZY THIRSTY?

ROAD TRIP!

ROAD TRIP!

GO TO THE SHORE!" THAT'S JUST THE TIP-- I HEARD, I

DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

BUT THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF WHAT I IMAGINE WERE A GOOD NUMBER OF

TIPS, BECAUSE CAWTHORN HAS A BUNCH OF SCANDALS, INCLUDING

BEING ACCUSED OF ENGAGING IN INSIDER TRADING, CHARGED WITH

DRIVING WITH A REVOKED LICENSE, AND BEING STOPPED FOR TRYING TO

BRING A GUN THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY-- TWICE.

THAT IS SO STUPID.

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T BRING A GUN TO THE AIRPORT.

YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE THROUGH SECURITY AND THEN GO

TO "HUDSON NEWS" TO GET A TRAVEL-SIZE GUN.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW CAWTHORN IS ON HIS WAY

OUT, WHICH IS A TOUGH BREAK.

HOW WILL YOU DEAL WITH THIS DEFEAT, MADISON?

>> KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

OKAY, WHATEVER GETS YOU THROUGH THE NIGHT.

IN PANDEMIC NEWS, COVID IS SURGING, BUT IT'S HARD TO TELL

NUMBERS CERTAINLY SEEM TO BE GOING UP HERE IN NEW YORK, WHERE

THIS WEEK, CORONAVIRUS CASES REACHED A HIGH ALERT LEVEL.

TO BE FAIR, WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND NEW YORK CITY, YOU'RE

OFTEN ON HIGH ALERT.

"HONEY, WALK FASTER AND DON'T TURN AROUND.

THE GUY BEHIND US ISN'T WEARING PANTS, BUT HE IS WEARING AN ELMO

HEAD.

AND NOT WHERE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

OH, GOD, HE'S GOT A GREENPEACE PETITION.

MOVE!

MOVE!" COVID IS ALSO RISING ON THE WEST

COAST.

CASE IN POINT, MY DEAR FRIEND AND FELLOW LATE-NIGHT HOST

JIMMY KIMMEL HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID AGAIN.

WE WISH HIM A SPEEDY RECOVERY.

BUT I DO WANT TO POINT OUT, GETTING COVID TWICE IS KIND OF

MY THING.

( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE GONNA STEAL MY BIT,

JIMMY, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STEAL ONE OF YOURS, TOO.

IT'S TIME FOR "MEAN TWEETS."

♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

GET BETTER, KIMMEL, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET WORSE.

VERY MEAN.

THAT'S VERY-- THAT'S VERY MEAN, VERY MEAN.

IT'S HARD TO TELL IF KIMMEL GOT COVID FROM A STAFF MEMBER OR A

FAMILY MEMBER, BECAUSE MOST OF HIS STAFF ARE FAMILY MEMBERS.

SAD TO HEAR THAT COVID SIDELINED MY THIRD-FAVORITE JIMMY, AFTER

FALLON AND "DEAN SAUSAGE."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I DON'T KNOW WHY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD DO THIS.

I DON'T BE WHY.

JIMMY KIMMEL HAS COVID?

WHO CARES?

I ONLY WATCH HIS SHOW FOR THE ROOTS ANYWAY.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST IS SECRETARY OF STATE, ANTONY BLINKEN.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOHNNY CASH IS BACK IN THE NEWS FOR A

REASON THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU.

STICK AROUND.