I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU CAN FEEL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT IS PRIMARY

DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA.

FIVE STATES ARE CHOOSING THEIR PARTY NOMINEES FOR STATE AND

FEDERAL OFFICE: PENNSYLVANIA, OREGON, IDAHO, NORTH CAROLINA,

AND KENTUCKY.

OR AS ELECTION EXPERTS COLLECTIVELY KNOW THEM

"POINCK"!

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IT'S--

( APPLAUSE ) "POINCK"!

TUESDAY-- NOW WE TAPE THIS SHOW EARLY-- YEAH, AND THAT MEANS WE

DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS YET, KNOW THE RESULTS YET, BUT BY THE

TIME THIS AIRS, THE VICTORS WILL BE CELEBRATING AND THE LOSERS

WILL BE SAYING THEY'RE THE VICTORS.

IT'S A PARTICULAR BIG DAY FOR THE G.O.P.

THE PARTY IS CHOOSING ITS DIRECTION FOR 2022: ORIGINAL

RECIPE NUTBALLS OR EXTRA-CRISPY COO COO CAJONES.

( LAUGHTER ) AND-- MMM!

MMM!

COO COO CAJONES.

NOWHERE IS THAT COMPETITION TIGHTER THAN THE KEYSTONE STATE,

PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE THE REPUBLICAN SENATE RACE IS A

BATTLE ROYALE BETWEEN HEDGE FUND EXECUTIVE AND DIVORCED DAD

VACATIONING ALONE, DAVID McCORMICK; TV CONMAN AND FUNERAL

DIRECTOR FLIRTATIOUSLY ASKING, "IS THIS CASKET TAKEN?"

DR. MEHMET OZ; AND A SURPRISE LATECOMER FORMER RADIO TALK-SHOW

HOST AND CHRISTIAN VENTRILOQUIST WITH A FAITH-BASED DUMMY,

KATHY BARNETTE.

AS OF THIS WEEK, McCORMICK'S INTERNAL POLLING SHOWED THE

CANDIDATES NECK AND NECK AND NECK, WITH McCORMICK AT 25% AND

OZ AND BARNETTE TIED AT 24%.

OF THE THREE, DR. OZ HAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BACKING, AND

LAST NIGHT, HE MADE SURE TO REMIND EVERYONE OF THAT.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THIS-- AND I THINK HE WAS RIGHT AND

KIND TO SAY IT-- THAT I'M SMART, I AM TOUGH, AND I WILL NEVER LET

YOU DOWN.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING LIKE BEING CALLED SMART

BY A MAN WHO STARED AT AN ECLIPSE.

( APPLAUSE ) BUT THEN--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

BUT THEN, THINGS GOT WEIRD.

>> YOU NEVER WANT TO LET YOUR PEOPLE DOWN, SO WHEN YOU GO TO

BED AT NIGHT, PUT YOUR HEAD ON THAT SOFT PILLOW.

YOU KNOW OZ WILL BE DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO

IF YOU WERE THERE NEXT TO HIM.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT IS THE

CREEPIEST POLITICAL PROMISE SINCE GEORGE H.W. BUSH SAID

THIS: >> KISS MY LIPS.

I GIVE TONGUE.

>> Stephen: DR. OZ IS MAKING A BIG FINAL PUSH, BECAUSE

BARNETTE HAS BEEN SURGING IN THE POLLS, DESPITE A LONG HISTORY OF

BIGOTED STATEMENTS AGAINST GAY PEOPLE AND MUSLIMS.

OR POSSIBLY BECAUSE OF THAT.

AND THIS WEEKEND, SHE TRIED TO DEFEND HER COMMENTS ON SUNDAY

SUNDAY FOX NEWS FUNDAY.

>> THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THE TWEETS THAT ARE NOW BEING

PRESENTED ARE NOT EVEN FULL THOUGHTS.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN FULL SENTENCES.

>> Stephen: SEE?

SHE'S A PERFECTLY QUALIFIED CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE WHO

CANNOT FINISH A SENTENCE.

EXPLAINS HER CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "VOTE FOR!"

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SURE.

KIND OF.

KIND OF.

BARNETTE SAID IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THESE COMMENTS HAPPENED

A LONG TIME AGO.

>> I CAN'T PROVIDE A LOT OF CONTEXT BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT'S

ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO.

THAT IS HOW FAR THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO TRY TO FIND ANYTHING

ON ME.

>> Stephen: OKAY, 10 YEARS.

BUT KEEP IN MIND, KATHY BARNETTE IS A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "LOOK, WE ALL SAY AND DO STUPID THINGS

WHEN WE TURN 40!

IT'S THAT CAREFREE 22nd SUMMER AFTER HIGH SCHOOL!"

AND NOW TO ADD-- ( APPLAUSE )

AND NOW TO ADD INSURRECTION TO INJURY, THIS WEEKEND, SEVERAL

NEWS SITES CONFIRMED THAT THIS RIGHT HERE, IS, IN

FACT, KATHY BARNETTE MARCHING TO THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6,

ALONGSIDE THE PROUD BOYS.

SO SHE TRIED TO OVERTHROW AN INSTITUTION AND NOW WANTS TO

WORK THERE?

THAT'S LIKE HOLDING UP A BANK AND SAYING, "PUT THE MONEY IN

THE BAG!

ALSO, THIS SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD GIG.

CAN I DROP MY RESUME OFF WITH YOU GUYS?

BY THE WAY, HOW OFTEN DO THESE ROBBERIES HAPPEN?

( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE THIS SEEMS KIND OF

SCARY."

FOR HIS PART, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SEEMS TO BE NERVOUS

THAT BARNETTE'S BRAND OF INTOLERANCE WILL BEAT OUT HIS

FAVORITE GRIFTER, BUT HE'S HEDGING HIS BETS, PUTTING

OUT THIS STATEMENT: KATHY BARNETTE WILL NEVER BE

ABLE TO WIN THE GENERAL ELECTION AGAINST THE RADICAL LEFT

DEMOCRATS.

SHE HAS MANY THINGS IN HER PAST WHICH HAVE NOT BEEN PROPERLY

EXPLAINED OR VETTED.

ADDING, "BUT IF SHE IS ABLE TO DO SO, SHE WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL

FUTURE IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, AND I WILL BE BEHIND HER ALL THE

WAY."

( SCREECH ) ( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S A BIT OF AN ABRUPT TURN.

( AS GROOM ): "I, GREGORY, DO TAKE

CATHERINE TO BE MY LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE, TO LOVE AND

CHERISH, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH 'TIL DEATH DO US PART.

UNLESS ANY OF THESE BRIDESMAIDS ARE INTO IT, I AM D.T.F."

LET'S GET IT ON!

SPEAKING OF DERANGED LEADERS BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND

MUPPET FINDING OUT WHERE THE HAND GOES, BORIS JOHNSON.

( LAUGHTER ) AFTER MORE THAN TWO YEARS OF

COVID WORK-FROM-HOME, JOHNSON IS CALLING ON BRITS TO COME BACK TO

THE OFFICE, EXPLAINING, "MY EXPERIENCE OF WORKING FROM HOME

IS YOU SPEND AN AWFUL LOT OF TIME MAKING ANOTHER CUP OF

COFFEE AND THEN, YOU KNOW, GETTING UP, WALKING VERY SLOWLY

TO THE FRIDGE, HACKING OFF A SMALL PIECE OF CHEESE, THEN

WALKING VERY SLOWLY BACK TO YOUR LAPTOP, AND THEN FORGETTING WHAT

IT WAS YOU'RE DOING."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW SHORT IS BORIS JOHNSON'S

ATTENTION SPAN?

( AS BORIS ) "SHOULD WE NEED TO DEPLOY

NUCLEAR MISSILES AGAINST OUR ENEMIES IN-- OH!

GOUDA!

DON'T MIND IF I DO-DA.

NOW, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

GROMMET!

THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT RUSSIAM BECAUSE THERE'S SOME BAD

NEWS FOR RUSSIA: FINLAND AND SWEDEN HAVE BOTH

SIGNED OFF ON THEIR BIDS TO JOIN NATO.

AND FINLAND-- ( APPLAUSE ).

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND FINLAND AND SWEDEN ARE VERY SERIOUS ABOUT MAKING THIS

OFFICIAL.

THEY EACH LEFT A TOOTHBRUSH IN NATO'S BATHROOM.

ONE OF RUSSIA'S MAIN GOALS IN INVADING UKRAINE WAS TO WEAKEN

NATO.

NOW, INSTEAD, THE ALLIANCE IS "ON THE BRINK OF STARTING ITS

LARGEST POTENTIAL EXPANSION IN NEARLY TWO DECADES."

HOW IRONIC.

( APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE THAT O. HENRY STORY

WHERE THE GUY BUYS HIS WIFE THE COMBS FOR HER HAIR, AND SHE

JOINS NATO.

( LAUGHTER ) RUSSIA SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT

FINLAND JOINING, BECAUSE IT WOULD DOUBLE THE SIZE OF

RUSSIA'S LAND BORDER WITH NATO AND ENTIRELY ENCIRCLE ITS

THREE PORTS ON THE BALTIC SEA.

AND IF RUSSIA LOSES THE BALTIC, ALL NATO HAS TO DO IS BUY

MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE, AND THEY CAN START PUTTING UP HOTELS.

AND THEN IT'S OVER, BABY!

( APPLAUSE ) $450.

PASS "GO," BUT THEN YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

NOW, BEFORE THE INVASION, PUTIN SAID THAT ANY OF RUSSIA'S

NEIGHBORS JOINING NATO WOULD BE A RED LINE FOR THE COUNTRY, BUT

YESTERDAY, PUTIN SAID SWEDEN AND FINLAND JOINING NATO WOULD CAUSE

"NO PROBLEMS."

APPARENTLY, RUSSIA IS SWITCHING MILITARY TACTICS FROM NAKED

AGGRESSION TO PASSIVE AGGRESSION.

BECAUSE "NO PROBLEM" NEVER MEANS "NO PROBLEM."

IT'S RULE NUMBER ONE IN DEALING WITH DICTATORS AND MOTHERS.

( AS MOM ) "OH, YOU'RE NOT COMING HOME FOR

CHRISTMAS BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO COSTA RICA WITH YOUR

NEW GIRLFRIEND?

NO PROBLEM-- EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT BE THE LAST CHRISTMAS

WHERE WE'RE ALL HERE.

WHO KNOWS, I COULD FALL DOWN THE STAIRS TOMORROW.

OF COURSE, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME GRANDCHILDREN YET, SO I GUESS I

WON'T BE MISSING THAT MUCH.

BUT YOU GO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK.

IT'S...

IT'S NO PROBLEM."

BUT, REGARDLESS-- ( APPLAUSE )

"IT'S NO PROBLEM.

THAT'S FINE.

YOU GO AHEAD."

BUT REGARDLESS OF PUTIN'S REACTION, THIS IS A REALLY

COMPLICATED GEOPOLITICAL SHIFT, ESPECIALLY FOR SWEDEN, WHO HAS

MAINTAINED NEUTRALITY FOR OVER 200 YEARS.

AND JOINING US NOW TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR US ARE "THE LATE

SHOW'S" TOP SWEDISH EXPERTS.

WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, IS SWEDEN SAYING ABOUT NATO

MEMBERSHIP?

♪ TAKE A CHANCE ON ME ♪ >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK

PUTIN IS GOING TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

♪ I TRIED TO HOLD YOU BACK BUT YOU WERE STRONGER ♪

>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, WHAT'S A GOOD MOVIE TO WATCH IF YOU JUST

NEED AN ESCAPE FROM THE BAD NEWS?

♪ SUPER TROUPER ♪ >> Stephen: THAT'S WEIRD. I

THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY-- ♪ MAMMA MIA ♪

>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT ONE.

SO, IN CONCLUSION: ♪ FERNANDO ♪

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT ANALYSIS.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST IS RICKY GERVAIS.

HE'S GOING TO BE OVER THERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE OVER THERE WITH "MEANWHILE."

JOIN US, WON'T YOU.

JOIN US, WON'T YOU.