All from just observing the couple in conversation for 15 minutes.

I have talked about Gottman and Gottman before.

Particularly about their findings of the four telltale signs that your relationship is doomed— criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

But Gottman and Gottman also have the inverse, what's known as the golden relationship ratio.

The magic ratio for stable couple done.

So the golden relationship ratio states that in happy couples, every negative interaction needs at least five positive ones to offset it.

In order to tell if the magic ratio in your relationship is imbalanced,

"G&G" recommend paying attention to and even writing down how you and your partner interact with each other.

For every negative interaction, are there several positive interactions afterward?

And if you take note, literally take note of each exchange within a day, are you exceeding the 5:1 ratio positive to negative?

So, unhappy couples, they say tend to display a lot of the negative behaviors like criticism, bad feedback, unappreciation, lack of affection or even just like uninterested behavior.

And their negative interactions usually way outweigh the positive one.

So let's say you are, you've done this, you like took notes in your journal every single day and you're like, "Oh God! I don't have the magic relationship ratio!"

And you're skewing negative.

How do you increase the positives in your relationship?

Well, Gottman and Gottman recommend six key things.

One. Show interest in your partner.

Are you really listening?

Are you showing that you're listening?

Are you interested in what they have to say?

Are you providing intentional compliments? And can you find opportunities to agree and engage on common ground?

Two. Show affection.

Whether it's physical words of affirmations, smiling, helping with chores or just doing something thoughtful.

Three. Lighten things up!

Be playful. Joke. Enjoy each other's company.

Can you guys have fun together?

Can you plan a date for you both to enjoy?

Four. Show them they matter.

When they're upset or excited about something, are you supportive or encouraging?

Are you showing care and concern verbally and emotionally?

Are you empathizing with them, acknowledging and validating their feelings?

Gottman and Gottman say that aiming to increase your positive interactions by being intentional in your communication and engagement works wonders,

and rebalancing your relationship's magic golden ratio!

And I also think that what they, what they have found is very applicable to friendships, relationships with family, your pet, like any kind of relationship at all.

We all want to have more positive interactions than negative ones.

And obviously this does not mean like be conflict-avoidant or be fake or self-betrayed just to make sure you're having a positive interaction on the surface.

Because in fact doing any of those things will probably inherently make the interaction negative. Because now you're being a dishonest liar.

But since hearing about the golden relationship ratio, I've been making more of an effort to be intentional in my relationship and to aim to create positive interactions.

Like "Am I putting my phone down while my partner is talking?"

"Am I asking question about something that's very clearly important to them?"

"Am I being supportive and encouraging? And most of all, present?"

Since becoming more aware of this, I realize how many times I've just let bids for connection kind of like fly over my head.

So now I'm making a real effort to spot them, to catch them in mid-air, and to create a more positive, fun, playful environment for any human in my life.

Because most of the time I'm a goblin, so thank you Gottman!

I'm working on it.

Yeah, I'm Anna Akana.

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