I was elected as church leader in October 2020.

I realized it was a big responsibility

and I felt a little stressed, but I was also really proud.

I felt I was elected for that important duty

because I had better caliber than others.

I took my duty really seriously,

doing my best to fellowship with my brothers and sisters

and helping them with problems and difficulties they ran into.

I wanted to prove to everyone that I was an excellent leader

and could do real work.

Then an evildoer started spreading rumors in the church.

He was spreading the Chinese Communist Party's lies

slandering and blaspheming God in gathering groups,

twisting facts and turning things inside out, and judging the work of God's house.

He wanted to mislead newcomers into leaving the church and betraying God.

So, I was holding gatherings

and fellowshiping with the brothers and sisters as much as I could,

and I felt like a military commander, leading the troops against enemy factions.

I wanted to prove I could protect the brothers and sisters,

to show them I could take on a heavy burden,

that I was responsible.

But in reality, I felt really weak.

I myself didn't know how to refute some fallacies and

they were even disturbing me, too.

But I didn't want to reveal my weakness to the others.

I thought that as a church leader,

I had to be tough, like a president or military commander.

I couldn't let anyone see my weakness!

So

I never opened up to the brothers and sisters about my own state.

Not only did I disguise myself in this matter,

when discussing our understandings of God's words in gatherings,

I liked talking about profound understandings

so others would think I comprehended them really well.

But I just glossed over my own failures and corruptions,

quickly changing the subject to the things that I did right.

For example, if I got sleepy in a gathering,

I wouldn't admit it,

and I'd hide it when I did have a difficulty

instead of sharing it with the others.

Sister Marinette, who worked with me, really admired me

because I was always helping her with words of God relevant to her state.

I knew she kind of looked up to me,

and I was really pleased and content when she expressed her admiration.

The brothers and sisters who were waterers for newcomers also admired me a lot.

Once a sister told me that she'd learned from my fellowship and help.

I was really pleased to gain others' approval.

In gatherings,

some brothers and sisters actively responded with "Amen" after my fellowship,

and some even said, "It's just like Brother Matthew said."

It seemed to me that they spoke to me with a tone of adoration,

and I felt like I held an important place in their hearts.

I knew that wasn't appropriate, but I liked the feeling of being looked up to.

Then one day, I saw a testimony video called

It struck a particular chord with me.

A sister, also a leader, was always elevating herself and showing off in her duty.

She offended God's disposition and was disciplined with an illness.

The crux of the matter was that her behavior disgusted God.

When I saw that video,

I realized that in my boasting and showing off to gain others' admiration,

I was defying and opposing God.

I was on the path of an antichrist.

I'd never realized

that elevating oneself and showing off could be such a serious problem.

I kept telling myself,

"I've incited God's wrath."

I felt really scared and didn't know what to do.

Then I read this passage of God's word

that gave me some insight into my corruption.

Reading God's words felt like a direct blow to my heart.

I could see what was hidden deep within me.

I had always wanted to construct an image of myself

as a strong man, a perfect person.

I liked talking about my elevated understanding

and my successful experiences to leave people with a positive impression,

but I hardly ever talked about my weaknesses or actual difficulties.

If I was feeling weak or negative, or faced with some problems,

or even when I was in my worst state,

I'd just act like everything was great

in order to protect my pride and reputation.

But in fact, I was really in pain.

Seeing others' admiration and adoration for me,

I had some awareness of it,

and I knew this wasn't good.

But I hadn't told people not to adore me,

because I wanted everyone's admiration, adoration and praise.

Wasn't I just as arrogant as the archangel?

I wasn't bringing others before God,

but I was bringing them before myself.

When I realized I could be taking God's place in the brothers' and sisters' hearts,

I was trembling with fear

and knew in my heart that God detested my behavior.

I was full of remorse and prayed to God,

"God, I've been showing off, wanting everyone to see me as a good leader,

above everyone else.

I'm usurping Your glory.

Oh God, I want to repent to You."

Then I wrote a repentance letter

revealing how I showed off and elevated myself and

sent it to every gathering group.

I also told everyone unequivocally that they shouldn't adore me.

I knew a few brothers and sisters who particularly adored me,

so I sent them individual messages opening up and dissecting myself.

A few days later, Sister Marinette told me frankly

that she had adored me before

and that I had held an important place in her heart.

I was really ashamed to hear this and felt like it was evidence of my evil.

I saw my own ugliness in that moment and felt like I'd lost all reason,

getting the others to worship me.

How was that doing a duty?

Was that what God hoped for when He gave me this duty?

I felt really uneasy and ashamed.

But I still didn't really seek the truth to resolve my corruption,

so before long I fell back into my old ways.

One day I went to a gathering that other church leaders attended, too.

I felt that the brothers' and sisters' fellowship was simplistic

and I was unsettled.

I felt like their fellowship was shallow and

I looked down on them a bit.

I wanted to show them that my fellowship was more practical than theirs.

So I mentally prepared what I wanted to say.

I thought about saying something more enlightening

so I could stick out from the crowd and share some weighty fellowship.

I thought over the wording to best enrich my fellowship.

I really wanted to prove that

I had a higher understanding so others would appreciate my insight.

During my fellowship I used lots of examples

so they would know that my fellowship was detailed and rich.

When I was done, I was very satisfied to hear everyone say "Amen."

Then I rushed to check the chat window

to see if the brothers and sisters had said something nice about my fellowship.

When we were almost done,

Brother Zen shared some fellowship.

Instead of quoting God's words and talking about

how we should practice based on God's words like he used to,

he referenced my fellowship.

I saw I was exalting myself and showing off again,

causing others to adore me.

I felt really mad at myself in that moment.

In the gathering we'd just shared some of God's words with everyone,

stating that we need to speak from the heart.

How could I be boasting and showing off?

I simply didn't dare believe I was acting that way.

I looked up the passages of God's words we'd read in the gathering

so I could give them some careful thought.

I saw from God's words

that I have to open my heart with my brothers and sisters,

talk about what is in my heart, share my real experience,

and avoid showing off with empty words.

Thinking about myself,

I was just talking about some empty theories to

flaunt myself and gain others' admiration.

The consequences of this were very clear.

The others looked up to me

and didn't bear witness to God's words,

but instead used my fellowship as their reference.

In gatherings I would frequently hear people saying things like,

"Thanks to Brother Matthew's fellowship"

or "Just like Brother Matthew said."

I thought of Paul

always elevating himself and being ostentatious,

and not bearing witness to the Lord Jesus' word.

That led believers to adore Paul and bear witness to his words for 2,000 years.

Wasn't I doing the same thing as Paul,

and on the same antichrist's path of resisting God?

I felt really afraid and hated myself at the same time.

I said a prayer,

"Oh God,

I'm making the same mistake again.

Your words showed me the way but,

I'm still following Satan, satisfying my vainglory.

I'm playing the part of Satan again.

God, I need Your help, please save me!"

One evening while preparing documents for a gathering,

I saw this passage:

Reading these words from God left me trembling with fear.

Through this revelation of God's words,

I saw my wild ambition and my desire to achieve great things.

I wanted to preside over gatherings and make grand speeches.

I loved showing off in gatherings and

wanted the brothers' and sisters' adoration,

hoping they would think I had good caliber and profound understanding.

Driven by these desires,

I wanted to preach and show off at every gathering I attended,

hoping that others would admire and worship me.

I loved that kind of leadership.

But when I read

my heart was trembling, and I felt a sense of fear deep in my heart.

I thought I'd been satisfying God before,

but I now realized I was disgusting Him.

I had just wanted to do something great,

hold great gatherings, preach something lofty.

I wasn't motivated by bearing witness for God or practicing the truth,

and I wasn't taking on a burden for the brothers' and sisters' lives.

It was all to exalt myself and

have a special place in my brothers' and sisters' hearts.

This was in fact an offense of God's administrative decrees.

it states:

Looking upon myself, I realized that

it wasn't just my self-exaltation that had offended the administrative decrees,

but even worse,

I'd led the brothers and sisters onto the wrong path and

made them resist God because they were adoring a person.

The consequences of this were serious.

I suffered greatly within myself and

I thought God couldn't possibly forgive me for offending His disposition.

I prayed,

"God! I'm really in pain and I'm suffering.

I didn't know I was inciting Your wrath, and I'd like to repent.

Oh God! I seek Your enlightenment to understand Your will."

In my terror, I read this passage of God's words:

Reading this gave me a sense of peace.

I thought I'd offended God in an unforgivable way,

but that wasn't the case.

Although God was using harsh words to

judge, chastise, discipline, and reproach me,

He didn't hate me.

He wanted me to change.

I could see God's righteous disposition, as well as His mercy and tolerance.

I knew this time I had to seek the truth and resolve my corrupt disposition.

Then I read another passage of God's words:

Reading this passage of God's words helped me understand what God wanted of me.

He wanted me to be an honest person.

That is to say,

I had to learn to expose my corruption and honest thoughts to others

so they could see my weaknesses and shortcomings.

If I kept exalting myself without revealing my weaknesses and failures,

and instead always used fellowshiping and gatherings to show off,

it would be extremely dishonest.

It would be cheating my brothers and sisters.

I saw I absolutely had to be an honest person.

I also gained some understanding of my own mistaken ideas.

I thought a leader should be

a heroic person without weaknesses, like some director out in the world,

on a higher rung than others, better than others.