Number 1: Hey, Pep Guardiola! Can you sub me on now?

I'd like to break some more records.

- No. - Oh, this is embarrassing.

Elanga, you’re coming on.

What? This is humiliating! 

Number 2: Siu! I’ll be right there!

Sorry, guys, got to dash.

My agent has finally got me a move out of this shitty club! 

I am thrilled to become the latest Prime Minister of the UK. 

In my first move, I am immediately putting us back into Europe. 

And in my second move, I’m changing it to 7 Downing Street. 

The number 10 is for twats. Siu.

Number 3: Shit! I'll be right there.

Sorry, guys, got to dash.

The tanning salon closes at 10. Siu!

Number 4: Siu! I'll be right there! 

Sorry, guys, got to dash.

My agent has finally got me a move out of this banter club!

Cristiano Ronaldo has joined "The United Stand"! 

- Siu! - Siu!

And so has Harry Maguire.

- S-S-Siu! - S-S-Siu! 

Wha-wha-what?

Bloody prat.

And number 5: Shit! I'll be right there.

Sorry, guys, got to dash.

Anthony Martial is stuck in the disabled toilets again.

Quickly, Ronaldo! My back, my back! Oh!

Oh, and my achilles, oh, and my hamstrings.

And my knee and my elbow! 

Oh! Everything hurts!

What other reasons could Ronaldo have had for leaving the game early?

Let me know your ideas in the comments.

Siu!