And honestly, this is a burn to myself.

But I don't blame him, like, the first guy I ever dated when I was 15.

My dad told him, "Make sure you buckle up when you're driving my daughter around."

Oh, for sure, Daddio.

But, of course.

- Boo, my dad said to buckle up. - Come on, boo, ain't nothing gonna happen.

Seriously, my boyfriend literally said nothing is gonna happen.

And then immediately, we ran into a car.

And because he did not have his seat belt on, he cracked his head on the windshield and then had the audacity to ask me to lie to his insurance and say that he actually had it on.

Hell to the no babe. I'm not lying on a legally binding piece of paper for you.

Come on, babe.

If they know I wasn't wearing a seat belt, they won't cover my car or medical bills.

Well, then I guess you should listen to my dad or me or when I told you to.

Babe.

- Well, I literally told you to. - Babe. - And that's when we got in the car accident and that's when my dad told you.

I actually think he might be psychic.

Sometimes I have psychic tendencies too.

- So maybe it runs in the family. - Not bad, babe.

And then there was the boyfriend who never engaged.

Uh huh. Yeah.

Really nice to meet you.

I really love your daughter. She's great.

And the boyfriend who was a narcissist.

- Your daughter has great taste, Mr. Akana. - Mmm.

- Which by extension, I suppose means you do too. - Mmm. - You both chose a real winner. - Hmm. - A solid 10. - Hmm.

And on and on and on, and you know, new year but somehow same old main.

So, this year for 2022 I am trying something different.

Instead of bringing people around and hoping that my father approves of them,

I asked my dad to send me some dating tips.

After all, he can offer the valuable but very elusive male perspective.

I'm sure he's been waiting to do this his whole life.

So, here are the five dating tips from my dear old dad.

Dad dating tip number one, cyberstalk him on social media first.

Found a social security number already.

Dad dating tip number two, find out if he has a good steady job through said cyberstalking.

Hmm, he's a Baker.

Dad dating tip number three.

If he was married before, find out why it ended, but not from him.

She cheated! All clear!

Dad dating tip number four, no sex on the first two or three days or one month, whichever is longer.

If his interest wanes, dump him!

Now, I think this is controversial and I did want to get more clarification on it, but I was not about to keep texting my dad about sexual intercourse,

so we're just gonna take this tip at face value, and I'm not going to elaborate at all.

Finally, Dad dating tip number five, he should be a gentleman who opens the door for you and lets you choose things to do as a couple.

After you, ma'am. Would you like to go get a medium rare steak with A1 sauce or hit the bowling alley.

- Why both? - Got it, mama.

See what I did there.

Now, my dad knows I'm bisexual, so I assume all of these are interchangeable with whatever gender.

And since I'm more masculine in my career but want to be more feminine in my relationships, I like these tips.

I mean, God knows what I've been doing my entire life has not been working.

So why not listen to my dad's advice.

What have I got to lose? 2022 baby.

But let me know if you're also gonna try out my dad's advice with me and if so godspeed and good luck to us all.

Ma'am. Are you an instagram, ma'am?

What? No.

Well, I like it.

You are a nut.

Do you get what I did?

You're a nut.

I like you.