But we don’t agree. So we’ve designed a checklist  of what we think makes up a good parent.

1 Firstly and most obvious,  

a good parent adores their child. They’re  simply overjoyed that they exist and don’t  

mind telling the offspring that fact, in direct  and indirect ways, at small and large moments,  

pretty much every day. There is no risk of  spoiling anyone like this: spoilt people  

are those who were denied love, not those who  were regularly bathed in its calming waters.

2. 

Secondly, the good parent is attuned to their  child; they listen - very closely indeed - to  

what the small person is trying to say. This  means getting down on their knees and calmly  

paying attention to certain messages that may  sometimes sound extremely weird or frustrating.  

Maybe the child is saying that they are very sad,  even though it’s their birthday and the parent  

has gone to enormous trouble with the presents.  Maybe they are saying that they are angry with  

the teacher, even if education is in principle  very important and the school was difficult to  

get into. Children are filled with complicated  emotions; a good parents allows these room.

3. A good parent isn’t  

envious of their children. They are strong enough  to allow them to have a better life than they did.

4. 

Good parents are on top of their issues: they  don’t think it’s a good idea to make someone  

very unhappy because maybe someone  else made them miserable long ago.

5. 

Good parents know about boundaries.  The game was hilarious for a long time,  

but now it’s the moment to wind down, to put the  paints away, to get back to work or to go up to  

bed. The good parent doesn’t mind being hated  for a time in the name of honouring reality.

6. 

Good parent don’t seeming a bit boring and  predictable. Small kids don’t need excitement  

and drama from their parents. They want a  secure base from which to explore the world.

Now we might think back to our pasts and give our  

carers a score out of ten to measure  how things went. It isn’t unfair or  

mean sometimes - in the privacy of our  own minds - to hold people to account.

Pick up a pen and paper as we run through  a list - and score each option out of 10.

My Parent… Made me feel deeply loved and wanted. 

Was often highly attuned to what I actually felt 

Was able to tolerate a degree  of innocent disobedience 

Was authentically happy about my success Lacked sadistic impulses 

Avoided imposing too many  of their own issues on me 

Didn’t demand to be admired 

Wasn’t too exciting Knew how to play 

Had boundaries Tolerated dissent 

Took an interest in my ‘small’ joys and pains

We don’t need a score of a hundred and twenty  to be robust, but if things were to drop much  

below sixty, there might be grounds for  a good deal of reflection and sorrow.

The best thing, if you haven’t  had a great childhood, is to  

be as knowledgeable as possible  about what went wrong and why.