Eric Adams to discuss whether he has what it takes to succeed

Joe Biden as the mega Botox thirty stapled face of the Democratic Party.

It's time for some big news.

Good evening.

I am news anchor speeding in a luxury fac mobil down headline highway

before plunging off journalist point and blowing up in a ball of stories and scoops,

Candid James Smartwood. Tonight when Republicans are not dismissing

President Trump's crimes as the youthful indiscretions of a wayward 76 year old,

they're campaigning against Democrats for being soft on crime.

For answers, the Democratic Party has turned

to the only one in their ranks potentially weird enough to take on Donald Trump,

New York City Mayor Eric Adams.

I sashayed these little hips to New York City Hall to ask Mayor Adams about crime,

conservative governors trafficking migrants,

and whether Adams has what it takes to carry on the Democrats proud tradition

of being functionally Republican.

Mr. Mayor, thank you for taking time from pressure

washing city hall for traces of Rudy Giuliani to speak with me today.

Let's begin with your journey to the mayor of the greatest city

on earth, where you can watch Hugh Jackman sing and dance for a mere months salary,

New York.

Why has your story broken through?

I mean, doesn't

the Democratic Party have enough jacked vegan ex-cop sexagenarian club kids?

That's a great description. I just think,

Pragmatic. You know? All of us remember

and recall our grandmothers, our aunties, our mom and dad

just giving us common sense.

Everyone talks about dollars and cents.

No, it's common sense.

And that is the philosophy.

That is how I approach life.

Just common sense things to do.

Speaking of common sense, you've said that because of rare gems and stones

under New York, there's a special energy that comes from here.

Do you stand by that statement? Don't you feel it?

You know where my my gems and my stones.

Great energy.

Now, here's the problem, though.

Every four years, a politician says, I believe my city is powered by gems.

Weirdo voters get them elected.

Then like clockwork, the lobbyists move in and the politician abandons

their whole whack a doodle vibe.

Can you look me in the eye and promise that you're different?

And by the end of your first term, we'll build a giant glass eyeball

that unlocks Newark's interdimensional power.

Well, first of all, the lobbyists can't move in.

It's too expensive.

We got to bring down the cost of living in New York.

Absolutely.

Are you going to build that eyeball though? Yes, without a doubt.

Let's talk about your feud with Republican Texas governor and rich

villain in a 1980s ski patrol comedy, Greg Abbott.

He's been bussing

migrants to New York City in protest of the Biden administration's immigration

policies and also Republicans not paying enough attention to him.

Obviously, you've oppose these actions.

If you and Governor Abbott cannot agree that migrants are political props,

what hope is there that Americans can find any common ground?

Listen, he is inhumane.

He's carried out inhumane actions.

And it really is just put a tarnish on the dignity of this country.

Now you're just quoting his campaign slogan.

And so we say those who come here, we're going to

fulfill our legal but moral obligation to take care.

Now, in response, you threatened to send New Yorkers

to Texas to campaign against Governor Abbott.

First of all, great plan.

There's nothing

Texans love more than being told what's best for them by New Yorkers.

But if you do it, those New Yorkers will need strong, substantive

opposition research on Governor Abbott, which luckily my team has dug up.

Go ahead, read those aloud.

See what you think. Sounds like a plan.

All right.

Greg Abbott is proud that Texas

ranks 31st in education.

But that's because he thinks it's out of

out of one hundred states.

That's a good one.

Greg Abbott is so unlikable,

Heidi Cruz wants to marry him.

That's right.

Greg Abbott is so bad.

And how bad is he?

That Texas voters are considering doing the unthinkable,

electing Beto O'Rourke.

It's fine,

he's hot.

Now on the campaign trail,

when you weren't talking about your number one issue,

what you put in your morning smoothie.

You were talking about crime.

Bloomberg reports that misdemeanor arrests in New York City jumped 25%

in the first six months of Mayor Eric Adams administration.

These are small crimes like subway fare evasion and sleeping on a park bench.

But these arrests do let concerned New Yorkers know

Mayor Adams will not tolerate being poor in this city.

Can you promise that by the end of your term,

every New Yorker will be rich or in jail?

Every New Yorker will feel safe.

Misdemeanor arrests, those are the quality of life issues.

We lost almost $500 million on those jumping the turnstile.

No enforcement.

They start out as misdemeanor arrests, they enter the system,

then they commit felonies. That's what history has shown us.

Now, in one notable police incident, the NYPD arrested a saxophone musician

for allegedly violating subway rules and regulations.

You call the NYPD response, proper policing.

Are you concerned the NYPD does not have enough funding

when you only have six cops in your saxophone strike force?

Oh, negative.

Omnipresence.

Them being there.

Quality of life is the number one issue people complain about.

Yep.

Well, do you need additional resources to protect the city

from the other instruments out there?

Someone could be playing the trumpet, trombone, piano.

What else is there?

A sax--? Well, we talked about saxophone. That was the big one.

And that's the one with the guy got roughed up pretty bad.

Now President Biden is on the campaign trail striking a very Eric Adams-esque

tone with respect to law and order.

Have you considered barring one of Joe Biden's trademarks

and getting contacts that give you a pair of bleak, lifeless shark eyes?

Negative. I love my eyes.

What about seesawing in and out of COVID

every 20 minutes? You considered stealing that from Biden?

No, we are fine.

What about bi-weekly brow lifts?

Negative.

Maybe you could get more sound bites to begin with,

“To quote my good friend Strom”?

No.

What about heading down to the shelter and adopting a couple

of the most violent dogs since the third act of Cujo?

I'm trying to find a dog.

Oh, you'll be fine. There are dogs everywhere.

Mr. Mayor, thank you. And best of luck.

Not that you'll need it

with all your quantum chakras aligned and gem bracelet fully charged.

Thank you, Mayor Adams.

But I will note that as of this airing, Central Park woefully lacks

the promised glass eyeball.

Typical politician behavior there.