Welcome back master, young lady.

Welcome to @home cafe

Welcome back master, young lady.

M: *gasp of excitement*

M: I'm so excited!

M: How about you, Simon?

S: Yeah...

M: We are at our very first maid cafe in Akihabara

M: and they're doing a special Gudetama event so, it's like, double exciting!

M: We have adorable maids everywhere who are going to feed us Moe Moe food

M: and then on top of that, there's like Gudetama hanging around

M: a-and we can take pictures with them

M: and this is the most exciting magical day ever and Simon is a little bit overwhelmed right now.

S: I don't think I- I appreciate this enough yet?

S: But um, Martina's really having a good time

M: YOU CAN BUY CURRIES IN THE SHAPE OF PUURPIES!!!

M: PUPPIES!!

[The menu offers both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks]

[Savoury food with custom drawings...]

[And adorable desserts!]

*explaining menu in Japanese*

S: Alcohol, thank you, I'm gonna be needing alcohol!

*explaining menu in Japanese*

M: Thank you!

S: Okay...

S: So, my first mistake is

S: I should have drank before coming here

M: I'm just so pleased right now

M: I'm pleased and I'm excited and I'm happy

M: and I don't think I can eat anything on the menu

M: It's so pretty

M: I'm gonna get like a pink puppy curry

M: And I'm just gonna stare at it

S: Okay, I'll... I'll... I'll eat anything. I just-

M: Okay

S: What's happening with my life right now? M: We're gonna pick something

M: And then we're gonna ring the bell. S: How did I end up in this situation

S: Right now? M: This is the best situation ever!

S: What life choices have I made M: We're gonna get

M: The extra large Polaroid too! S: That have geared me towards

S: This situation? Mom, Dad

M: Good Tama-chan(?) S: Where, where did we

S: How did we get here?

[Goofy Music]

[Sad Music]

M: If I stood up beside them, it would be like

M: This and then it would be like Godzilla Martin-- Heheh-- or something

M: Okay. Pass me the menu; I need to order something!

M: What do you want? S: Do they have scotch?

M: Scotch straight on the rocks. S: Just straight scotch. Just leave the bottle at the table.

S: I'm gonna get a Screwdriver. M: Okay. Simon's gonna get a Screwdriver.

S: Can I ask them to substitute the orange juice for more vodka?

M: No. Accept it.

[Funkay Music again] [Bell rings]

M: The hot mocha latte.

Maid: Hai M: Hai

M: Hitotsu (One). Maid: Hai

M: Hai. Umm...

M: The green tea latte. S: And uh Screwdriver.

Maid: Oh!

Maid: Screwdriver S: Screwdriver, yup.

S: Okayy

Maid: Oh! Okay!

S: Nice. M: Okay!

S: Mhmmm

S: Pink curry sets? Maid: Ohhhh!

M: With the magic. S: Magic! I'm ready for magic!... Okay

Maid: [Talking about hair?] M: Oh, this is amazing!

Maid: [Speaking Japanese]

M: Wolverine! S: Wolverine Maid: Ovary?

M: Wolverine S: Wolverine

S: Wolverine M: X-men! S: X-men

S: I don't think she knows Wolverine

M: Thank you [In Japanese]

M: Her hair is amazing! S: I say give it twenty minutes and they might offer Martina a job here.

M: I don't speak enough Japanese, but I'm just saying I like everyone's clothing and hair... And tiny sizes

M: Should I let them know it's your birthday today?

M: Or do you wanna keep that a secret? S: F@#k, please no.

S: I'm usually very comfortable in restaurants. This is the one place I just wanna be like

S: Okaay, you just go do your thing.

[Sad Music]

Simon's inner thoughts: What the f@#k am I doing here? Why am I filming this video?

M: Hang in there. You've got one that's gonna involve a lot of interaction

M: Don't make them feel sad when they-- S: I'm not gonna!

M: Don't you make them-- Don't you put that curse on me, Ricky Bobby!

M: You make sure that you are as happy as possible, okay? All three of you need to be--

M: Whose the third person? I don't know. I'm speaking in third person now! It's happening!

M: I'm becoming one of them. [Robot Voice] The hive mind is starting!

M: Captains log: Simon has fallen into a state of confusion

M: He doesn't know what to expect, being here

S: What am I doing with my life? M: So much clapping and happiness and laughter

M: Isn't it wonderful? S: Yeah...

S: It's great...

[Cheerful Music]

[Confused Music]

[Cheerful Lalala Music]

[Confused Alien Music]

[Back to cheerful]

M: There are all these people with these, like, adorable desserts and they're, like, very manly looking, and they're

M: Like, digging into their marshmallow rabbit sundaes.

M: And it's wonderful

M: What should I do? What should I draw on my omurice?

M: The stress is too real!

M: What should I have? S: [Basket] Balls

M: No, I can't do that. You two have a poor attitude considering that you're boys and everybody here are cute girls!

M: What is your problem? S: I'm a married man! I'm accounted for.

S: No woman has any effect on me apart from my loving wife! Okay?

S: That's a damn fine answer and you know it!

M: Okay, so here's the deal. You can choose a polaroid picture to take of people, and they ask you for your nickname.

M: And so Simon is 'Honey-Senpai'

M: And I'm 'Sailor Moon'

M: And Dan is 'Princess Panda'

M: So when we hear our names being called, we've gotta go up, and we've gotta pose with them for a photo

[Chill Music]

[Sad Music] [Dan sighs]

Dan's inner voice: H-How did this happen? How- How have I got here... In my life?

D (inner voice): What has led up to this point... Cause... This doesn't feel right

Nothing... feels... good... here

[Picture Noise] M: Woooooow! Thanks [In Japanese]

M: Awwwww yeeeahh!

S: Wow. That girl looks like she's like twelve compared to you!

M: Thanks Simon!

S: You just, like...

M: You've ruined my life! S: I'm just saying-- M: What are you doing with your hands?!

M: You just-- you just look and your hands got wider and wider!

S: I d--- heh [mumbles]--- she's so small

M: So you're saying I'm big?!

S: You-- no you-- girl, you got curves is what you got. M: You are digging a hole, mister

M: You are digging that hole! S: Hey, I like curvey-- M: Keep it up--

Maid: Okayy. Drinking. Drinking. M: Hai

Maid: Okay... Sketch

M: Hai!

Maid: ... Or bunny... or

M: Usagi! Bunny

Maid: Bunny? M: Yes!

Maid: Okay

S: Aww, that's a great bunny M: That's a really good bunny

[Funky Music again]

Maid: [Talking about doing magic in Japanese]

M: They're gonna make it pink for you. S: Oh, okay! M: Okay

[Flashback Dialogue] M: You've got one that's gonna involve a lot of interaction.

S: Okay... M: Don't make her feel sad when they-- S: I'm not gonna!

M: Okay Maid: [Magic instructions in Japanese]

Maid: [More magic in Japanese]

[Simon follows] S: Ehhhh, okay

S: Yah! yeah... M: Okay, ready? You're gonna repeat her S: Okay...

Maid and M: 3,2,1...

Simon and Maid: [Japanese]

S: OH! Maid: Woah!

S: OH! Maid: Wooaaahh S: Oh!

S: I think it-- Magic!

Maid: Tung!

S: OOhhhhhhhhhhh!

S: I--It worked!

M: You're a wizard, Harry!

S: Oh, wow!

S: Oh!

S: I f--I felt the magic!

M: Yes! S: Ohhh

Maid: Moe... moe... kyun

M: Moe... moe... kyun! Okay S: Okay M: Okay!

Everyone: Moe... moe... kyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun

S: Ahh! M: Okaayy

M: You don't need salt and pepper!

M and S: Thank you [In Japanese]

M: Put so much magic in this!

M: So much magic... S: This is wonderful!

M: Ahh? See? I knew you'd come around!

S: Heeey! M: He's just excited 'cause he's hungry and the food's here

M: But you know what I'm about to do S: Heheh

M: Take-- Take photos for the next twenty-five minutes, son!

[Nutcracker Music]

M: Oooooooo S: I gotta say, Dan's got the manliest dish, even though it's a puppy

S: Still looks like manliest dish out there!

[Cute Puppy Barking Noises] M: You wanna know something amazing?

M: This will be the first omurice I've ever had in all of Japan!

S: Oh, right! M: Yep!

M: Aand it's got a bunny-- oh no--- it's got a kitty on it!

M: Fah! So excited!

S: And now for our food-snobby side to kick in

M: Hah S: Let's see

S: Mm

S: It's curry

S: Mmm

M: Pretty good omurice actually S: Yeah...

S: I can taste the magic in this M: Can you?

S: Definitely need to finish my drink

[Intense Music]

[Japanese in the background]

M: Oh yeah

S: Okay

Maid: Bunny

S: Uhhhh

S: Princess

Maid: Princess?

S: Princess!

S: I'm wearing the tiara!

S: Okay

Maid: Smile or kyukyu(?)

S: Kyukyu!

Maid: Kyukyu!

S: Kyukyuu!

Maid: Sorry... Oh! Okay, okay

S: Good?

S: Okay

Maid with camera: Moe, moe, cute!

Maid: Thank you [In Japanese]

S: Thank you!

S: Oh, yes! I forgot. Sorry!

S: Okay

S: She asked me to squat. I almost had to do a full squat.

S: To get down there

M: Oh duckie

S: I'm a big boy! Haha

S: Ohh, thank you!

M: Kawaii

S: Ahhhhhh!

S: Oh, yeah! Very cute!

S: This is wonderful! Look!

M and S: Thank you! [In Japanese]

S: Well I am having a much better time now than before!

M: See? Is the-- Is the full chugging of the Screwdriver or is it just---

S: Maybe

M: The joy that's come over him? S: I think I'm gonna get another one of those Screwdrivers

M: I think it was the magic curry. That's what I think

S: I gotta say

S: Hear me out here

S: I look a lot happier than this girl in the picture

S: I mean, whose the cutie cutie one here?

S: Her or me?

S: Definitely think it's me!

S: Yup!

M: Mhhmmm

S: Yuuup! M: Mhhmm

M: Now one of the things about coming to a maid cafe is to understand that it's not just about

M: The actual food or like sitting in a cafe. It's about the interaction with the maids.

M: So, even if you don't speak Japanese, just try your hardest to kind of like

M: You know, play along enthusiastically

M: They wanna explain the menu. There's gonna be dances

M: You're gonna have your curry turned into magic pink sauce

S: Yep

M: So, you know, go with the flow

S: So that's it for our super fun adventure here at our very first maid cafe

M: Yep!

S: Is it going to be our last? I don't think so!

M: We're not sure. What's really cool about this particular location is they have like

M: Four or five floors. It's like the whole building.

M: And they actually have like different specials that come through

M: So like the Gudetama special S: Yep!

S: Yep! M: With special Gudetama food

S: Uh-huh M: Who knows what they'll do next

M: However, we're really lucky that we can film here

M: Because the majority of maid cafes do not let you film

M: So we're sharing this with you guys through the power of moe moe--

M: You can do it with me, ready? Ready?

M+S: Moe, moe... M: I don't know the last word! S: Dooooo!