a device that translates your dog’s barks into English, was introduced,

and then the Meow-Lingual became available the following year.

Both inventions are fantastic,

but what I really want is a Wife-Lingual.

Most of the time, my wife seems to speak a different language.

Her short and vague responses are confusing and misleading.

I need to know what my wife really means when she says “Oh yeah” after I ask, “Can I do the dishes later?”

Responses like “whatever,” “uh-huh,”

or “up to you” to such statements as “I will come home late tonight”

or “I can’t pick up the kids today”

leave me no clue as to what I should do next.

Besides, my wife is good at playing emotional hide-and-seek.

She says “I am fine” when obvious signs of anger have appeared on her face.

Yet the wrong interpretation of her emotional state might lead to a cold war or to a later volcanic eruption.

I really want to know her present emotional state

so that I can figure out

when will be the best time to talk about a raise in my allowance.