Christmas coming up; get excited, come on.

聖誕節即將來臨，快一起變得興奮吧。

Yes, I am, I am; I...

是，我感到興奮⋯⋯

I actually like the holidays, and Thanksgiving is my favorite 'cause you just get to eat in that type of thing.

我其實很喜歡假期，感恩節是我最喜歡的，因為你可以盡情享用感恩節美食。

But, I don't know, I don't like that Black Friday type of stuff.

但我不知道怎麼說，我不喜歡黑色星期五之類的活動。

That just freaks me out.

那會嚇壞我。

It makes me sad for Americans; watch 'em getting trampled, you know?

這讓我為美國人感到傷心，因為我必須眼看他們被踐踏，你懂嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

- You know, I... - Why... why would you do that?

- 你知道嗎，我⋯⋯ - 為什麼⋯⋯你為什麼會想那樣做？

Why would you do that to yourself?

你為什麼會對自己做這種事？

Why won't you just admit that you can't afford it at regular prices?

你為什麼不直接承認自己在正常售價買不起那樣東西？

Come back the next day...

第二天再回來⋯⋯

Come back the next day like a gentleman.

第二天像個男子漢一樣回來。

Just walk in there, pick out what you want, and if your kids get less, they get less⏤that gives them drive.

走進去、挑選你要買的東西，然後如果你小孩的禮物變少，那就變少，那會給他們動力。

You know, rich kids... rich kids just sit around, you know, doing blow, sitting in Ferraris.

你知道的，富家子弟只是坐在那裡吸食大麻、享受法拉利。

They don't do anything.

他們什麼都不做。

It's the poor kids that... yeah, they make stuff happen.

是窮苦的孩子才會造就更多可能。

- So... - Yeah.

- 所以說⋯⋯ - 是啊。

Yeah, you don't get trampled, grabbing your wig, you know, suspenders flying off.

所以你才不會被踐踏，還得緊抓著你的假髮、吊帶襪也四處飛。

It's so sad, to do what?

這麼悲哀是為了做到什麼？

Get an above-ground pool for 30 dollars off?

以 30 美元的折扣獲得一個地上游泳池？

There is nothing⏤

沒有什麼——

There is nothing in Walmart worth getting trampled over, I mean, there's... there's nothing.

沃爾瑪裡面沒有任何東西值得你被踐踏的代價，完全沒有。

It's... it's processed...

只有加工的⋯⋯

- It's processed meat, processed meat, [beep] clothes. - Processed...

- 只有加工肉品、爛衣物。 - 加工的⋯⋯

All of you, you're gonna get trampled; like, make it, like, a high end store.

你們所有人都會被踐踏，那還不如去間高端的店舖。

I don't even... I don't even know where⏤there's nothing worth getting trampled.

我甚至不知道哪裡⋯⋯沒有任何一個地方值得你被踐踏。

- It just makes me depressed that you would do that. - Yeah.

- 光是想到你們會這樣做就讓我沮喪。 - 是啊。

People sit out for, like, weeks.

人們會在外頭坐等好幾週。

- Wait, they're⏤ - They don't even go to Thanksgiving.

- 等等，他們—— - 他們連感恩節慶祝都不參加。

- Yeah. - Like, they're on their cell phone, and their mom's crying, "I just... I just think you'd want to spend it with us."

- 是。 - 他們會跟媽媽通話，媽媽哭訴：「我只是以為你會想跟我們共度感恩節。」

And you're sitting out there in that parking lot, feeling those people breathing down the back of your neck, just going, like, knowing who you're gonna elbow.

但你卻坐在賣場停車場裡，感受著排在你身後的人往你脖子上吐氣、你也得知道該肘擊誰。

It's just the saddest.

這就是最悲哀的事。

There are women that wait⏤there, wait, waited 22 days at Best Buy.

有一些婦女在 Best Buy 等了 22 天。

- They waited 22 days. - And what did they get?

- 她們等了 22 天。 - 那她們買了什麼？

What... what do you think they got?

你覺得她們得到了什麼？

- I don't know. - You... you think⏤they got trampled!

- 我不知道。 - 你覺得——她們獲得被踐踏的經驗。

Yeah.

是。

The thing is, if you're gonna go there, you don't want to be at the front of the line; you want to be about 40 deep.

是這樣的，如果你要去，你可不會想站在隊伍前面，至少要排到 40 人之後。

And I figure, you pop out of the line and you wait till that first wave or two falls down, and then you go over the top like Walter Payton back in the day.

我的想法是，你可以稍微脫離隊伍，等到前幾波的人牆倒塌之後，向過往 Walter Payton 一樣從他們身上過去。

Roll out of it.

滾出人群。

But even then... even then, you gotta know where to go in the store.

但即便如此，你也得知道要去店舖中的哪個地方。

Like, where is the thing that is on sale, right?

必須知道特價的東西在哪裡，對吧？

Where are those mint Milano cookies or whatever they have that you're gonna make a beeline for?

那些米蘭諾薄荷餅乾還是值得你直奔戰場的商品在哪裡？

On that linoleum floor, you're gonna blow out of [inaudible].

在那油地氈地板上，你會爆的。

It's, like, it's the saddest thing.

那就是最悲哀的事。

So, one year, what people should do, you know, like Richard Branson, one of these hot-air-balloon rich guys,

所以某一年，人們應該——你知道像是 Richard Branson 那種常搭熱氣球的有錢人，

should just, like, float in over 'em right before, and just start dropping everything that they want.

他們應該飄到購物潮上方，開始往下丟他們想要的東西。

Even then, they would start stampeding; like, no matter how many hot-air balloons he had.

即時如此，人群還是會開始蜂擁，不管他有多少顆熱氣球。

- No, bad idea; you don't want⏤billionaires in hot air balloons dropping toasters on people.

- 不，那是壞主意，你不想——搭著熱氣球往下方人群丟土司機的億萬富翁。

- That, it⏤it's a stupid idea, Bill. - No, you have... you have, like, a little parachute.

- 那⋯⋯Bill，這是個蠢點子。 - 不，你可以弄一些小型降落傘。

- Alright, gift certificates. - Alright.

- 好啦，給禮卷。 - 好的。